Man of my dream is an alcoholic and so were both of my parents-but X husband was not-
 

Sorry for posting this twice, but I feel my first post was not listed correctly as I am getting more responses regarding my childhood than I am regarding my current situation regarding the love of my life being an alcoholic. Regarding my childhood and growing up in a house that had TWO paretns that were drunk most of the time.Unfortunately the memories are all too clear in my head. Memories of waking up hearing my parents fighting, and the sound of my mother screaming as my father would beat her terribly. I would run to the rescue and try to save her to no avail. Both of my siblings left the house when I was 5 or 6 so I was left on my own to grow up dealing with this. They were much older and had enough. This was how I remember my childhood. I remembered going to a therapist at one point after my divorce and tried to talk about it, but she told me that it seemed as though I had those feelings and memories under control and that she really didn't feel she needed to see me anymore.
Soooo
Decades later after both of my parents have passed (one to alcohol the other to heard disease), and after my divorce 4 years ago. I meet the man of my dreams. A caring, giving, patient incredibly handsome and charming man that I always dreamed of. He cooks, plays music, is a passionate lover, and has such a passion for life, he's incredibly intelligent, and a peaceful individual. ...when he ISN'T drinking...
He has been an alcoholic since the day I met him, in fact probably way before I met him. Had a very hard time dealing with the fact his wife no longer wanted him as a husband or a father. I honestly do not know if he drank during his marriage with her or not, I only know he drank HEAVILY after the divorce and has NOT been any better to this very day. I have already had ONE intervention for him with his best friend. We both sat him down and told him we care and don't want to see him keep killing himself. His family has also had an intervention for him. He works hard at a job that he hates and is making barely over minimum wage an hour. He blames his drinking on his job every time. His days off are spent usually drinking at least a bottle of vodka or rum himself, then tries to sleep it off before I get home. The same as my mother would do. Every day I would come home from school she would be passed out on the couch...
He is such an incredible person, and has SO much going for him. And he is everything that I could have ever wanted in a life partner (we are NOT married and will remain as life partners). BUT his drinking is destroying him and us. I am tired of the same old excuses, and lies. I have told him he doesn't have to hide it, that I already know as I find bottles hidden in the house. He says he can stop and will do so for a week...then comes the next day off...he calls me on the phone at work to say he loves me and I can tell by the slurr of his voice he is smashed...it makes my heart hurt. He denies it immediately, then will later admitt that he had ONE..JUST one drink...
Started Al anon meetings today in hopes there is help. I love this person and want to spend the rest of my life with him. How can I do this? And am I attracting such people into my life since both of my parents were alcoholics? The wonderful man I am with has never been abusive when he drinks. He just turns stupid which is something I cannot tolerate. He becomes irresponsible and lazy and does get very defensive about little things but NEVER angry or abusive. Sometimes I can look past this and some days I cant as I know that its not him talking. I have done the things that they say you should NOT do such as threaten to leave him. Looking for all of his bottles stashed throughout the house. I tried to explain to him that he is killing himself by drinking as he does, and he keeps saying " I KNOW AND I WILL STOP..I AM DONE" yet it never happens. There are those false promises again. A friend of ours once said that I am an "enabler" and that I probably attract people like himself that need help. I have questioned this many times. Is this a common trait? My X husband was NOT a drinker so this is why I am doubting it (he divorced me).

I share some of your experience regarding BF saying he can stop then phoning up drunk and denying he'd been drinking, then saying it was just 2 drinks etc etc when it was obvious it was way more than that. My BF too is an amazing person when he isn't drinking, although he still has major depression issues.
I have also had the heart-to-heart chats telling him he needs to stop because he is wasting his life and killing himself (even done that with his mother and a psychiatrist) and it seems to sink in for a few days maybe, then it's back to square one.
I can only empathise with you I'm afraid. I can't give you any answers as I am also looking for them. Just know you are not alone, and I still have plenty of hope for my partner and relationship, and it sounds like you do too. Good luck.

How can you spend the rest of your life with this person?

I'll be blunt: accept him for who he is, an alcoholic.

Are you willing to do the work to discover the answers within to your last question?

Recovery is a process and it takes time. It also requires that we accept our reality and stop living in magical thinking "if only......"

I'm a recovering alcoholic as well as a recovering codependent spouse of an alcoholic. I had to seek recovery for myself. I did not do it until I was ready. When I was ready, I had to embrace it with both hands.

There wasn't anything anyone could have said to make me get sober nor anything anyone could have said to keep me sober. There also isn't anything anyone can now say or do to me to make me drink. I choose to be sober. I choose to stay sober. Just as I chose to drink and blame others for my problems. Most every alcoholic suffers from "terminal uniqueness" ie., my problems are bigger than yours, my needs are greater than yours, etc. It's just more BS. (there are some great posts concerning terminal uniqueness on this forum)

Please do take the advice offered by Bernadette in your last post. Read the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. You are not alone in what you are going through.

I had to learn to put down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on the alcoholic in my life. It was hard because watching, judging and criticizing him was my hobby. It allowed me to remain a victim and martyr. Then the really hard process of picking up the mirror instead and looking at myself began. It is a journey that is giving me the freedom to be myself. To love myself. To respect myself.

We're here to support you on your recovery journey.

Silentjane4...do you love this man for who he is *now*, wonderful qualities AND drinking/stupidity/daily broken promises? The person he is right now is the only person he is willing to be.

When dealing with alcoholics, it is important to stop saying "What if" and deal with "what is".

This is a very good question that you may want to explore either in Al-Anon or in counselling. I've recently come to the conclusion that I have *never* had an equitable, respectful relationship with a man, and it's making me take a HUGE step back to examine myself. Perhaps you should consider this as well.

There is nothing you can say or do that will MAKE an alcoholic stop drinking. You are not that powerful. The only thing you can control is yourself.

What will *you* do if he does not stop drinking?

click on my name and pull up my posts. The responses, particularly to my early posts will serve you as they serve me as our perspectives are/were similar. :)

Progress already...he has went to his first AA meeting today
 

As a birthday present for himself (his birthday is tomorrow and he has to work).
Its a wonderful start. I love this man regardless of what he is and am looking forward to looking back with him.
I will help him to understand he is worthy and deserving of all good things in this life..and to be happy.
He is on his way hopefully and seems very happy without alcohol today.

Here's hoping that he continues on this path, silentjane, and that he finds the community and the help he needs to stay sober. For his own sake. :hug: