I need some support tonight.
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I need some support tonight.
SR family...I'm feeling a bit "weak" tonight, but not in the way I thought I might. There was a time I thought I'd feel the need to get back together with XAH, or at the very least feel some regret for leaving him. Nothing of the sort has happened (yet).
Tonight, XAH went to pick up DD at her daycare. Once again, he texted me to ask if *I* could pick her up and bring her to him, but I just refused. Yay me. "Ok, no prob." he says. I meet him back at his place. We have dinner. The visit goes well. While DD is eating, I go into my "former" kitchen and warm up my dinner. Sitting on top of the microwave are several empty cans of Grolsch beer. Inside the fridge, there is a four-pack...and a glass with beer already poured in it, sitting there half-full. I didn't react then, but now that I'm back at home, I'm very bothered.
I'd like not to be bothered at all by this, but it just IRKS me to no end that XAH offered to not to drink while caring for DD *and* offered not to have any alcohol in the apartment during her visit there, and THERE IT IS, sitting in the fridge. I mean, I guess this is just another broken promise, but it still really bugs me. It makes me wonder what other promises will be broken with regards to DD.
I've honestly come to the point where I really don't give a damn what XAH does with himself and it feels wonderfully liberating. I still struggle a bit with thinking about micromanaging his life when I do see him, but that's where it ends. I also watch myself for not getting too involved in his discussions about his life.
During my time at his apartment tonight, I remembered the unhappy moments spent there, arguing with XAH, cleaning up after him and his son, and I felt ridiculously grateful that my life is drastically different now. I felt relieved that DD has an opportunity to live in a healthier household.
And yet now I'm worried and angry, because XAH may have poured himself a drink before I arrived at his place, and just put it in the fridge while I was there. There's also a chance it was a beer he just didn't finish the previous night and put in the fridge (he used to do this when we lived together). OR, he might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes and going into the kitchen repeatedly to sip from his beer while I'm in the living room with DD. And now I'm wondering if that beer was the reason he suggested DD and I leave at 6:30 instead of 7:00. ARG! I should have to worry about all this crap. But because of DD, I feel I have to!
I'm trying to take deep breaths and to let HP guide me here. I'd appreciate some input.
Tonight, XAH went to pick up DD at her daycare. Once again, he texted me to ask if *I* could pick her up and bring her to him, but I just refused. Yay me. "Ok, no prob." he says. I meet him back at his place. We have dinner. The visit goes well. While DD is eating, I go into my "former" kitchen and warm up my dinner. Sitting on top of the microwave are several empty cans of Grolsch beer. Inside the fridge, there is a four-pack...and a glass with beer already poured in it, sitting there half-full. I didn't react then, but now that I'm back at home, I'm very bothered.
I'd like not to be bothered at all by this, but it just IRKS me to no end that XAH offered to not to drink while caring for DD *and* offered not to have any alcohol in the apartment during her visit there, and THERE IT IS, sitting in the fridge. I mean, I guess this is just another broken promise, but it still really bugs me. It makes me wonder what other promises will be broken with regards to DD.
I've honestly come to the point where I really don't give a damn what XAH does with himself and it feels wonderfully liberating. I still struggle a bit with thinking about micromanaging his life when I do see him, but that's where it ends. I also watch myself for not getting too involved in his discussions about his life.
During my time at his apartment tonight, I remembered the unhappy moments spent there, arguing with XAH, cleaning up after him and his son, and I felt ridiculously grateful that my life is drastically different now. I felt relieved that DD has an opportunity to live in a healthier household.
And yet now I'm worried and angry, because XAH may have poured himself a drink before I arrived at his place, and just put it in the fridge while I was there. There's also a chance it was a beer he just didn't finish the previous night and put in the fridge (he used to do this when we lived together). OR, he might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes and going into the kitchen repeatedly to sip from his beer while I'm in the living room with DD. And now I'm wondering if that beer was the reason he suggested DD and I leave at 6:30 instead of 7:00. ARG! I should have to worry about all this crap. But because of DD, I feel I have to!
I'm trying to take deep breaths and to let HP guide me here. I'd appreciate some input.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The thing that stood out to me was...if he was drinking, that may have been why he asked if you could pick up your daughter. Whether or not he drinks in his own home is one thing, but it would concern me if he was drinking when he has your daughter in the car.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
The thing that stood out to me was...if he was drinking, that may have been why he asked if you could pick up your daughter. Whether or not he drinks in his own home is one thing, but it would concern me if he was drinking when he has your daughter in the car.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Oh, okay. I did not know that.
I'm not all that familiar with your situation and don't know the age of your daughter. Have you filed for divorce? Has he been served? My daughter was an infant when I divorced her father, and I had my attorney stipulate that he was not to have overnight visitation until she was 18 months old. Of course, he wasn't an alcoholic, but he was very irresponsible.
I'm not all that familiar with your situation and don't know the age of your daughter. Have you filed for divorce? Has he been served? My daughter was an infant when I divorced her father, and I had my attorney stipulate that he was not to have overnight visitation until she was 18 months old. Of course, he wasn't an alcoholic, but he was very irresponsible.
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DD is 18 months old today, and XAH and I are still in mediation to iron out the details of custody (if we don't work things out this way, it'll just end up in court). Right now, XAH sees her one evening a week, for about 2 hours, and then one afternoon during the week-end, for about 3.5 hours. He *says* he wanted shared custody, but as of yet, he has missed or forgotten about several visits, and he generally cuts his visits short. I plan on offering him generous access rights in addition to what he has now, in addition to not taking all the furniture he still has that belongs to me, if he just leaves me with custody. I would also opt out of child support if only I knew it would guarantee me custody...Anything to keep DD away from him as much as possible.
The mediator we are working with has told me that at best, I can only get a judge to order XAH not to drink while caring for DD. I could also refuse him access if he shows up to pick up DD intoxicated, but I could never tell when he drinks. He holds his liquor well. This also has the effect of making me into the Booze Police, which I do NOT want to do.
The mediator we are working with has told me that at best, I can only get a judge to order XAH not to drink while caring for DD. I could also refuse him access if he shows up to pick up DD intoxicated, but I could never tell when he drinks. He holds his liquor well. This also has the effect of making me into the Booze Police, which I do NOT want to do.
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What strikes me is how very well you handled yourself in the situation. You have obviously made some good decisions for yourself and your daughter and being in the situation tonight reinforced that you did the right thing.
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Children and drinking don't mix
It absolutely infuriates me when my partner drinks when he has his boys. We only get his boys two nights a week and those are his days off. What does he do? He starts drinking in the day and doesn't stop until before I get home. He hides the fact he has been drinking but I find usually find the empty bottle and can tell he was trying to sleep it off all day.
I know your anger. Alcoholics are very selfish people. They only care about the "pain" that they are in and don't give a damn about those around them watching it all happen.
I threatened to call his X to pick up the boys or take them home myself once because I could not tolerate him being drunk with his boys here. But that threat never went through as I just didn't want to deal with her either.
He will continue to make those promises of not drinking while she is with him I can tell you that.
All I can say is that you have the power to NOT let him be around her anymore until he can stop drinking. You do have that power, I would use it.
You seem like a strong woman and very smart. Use it .
I know your anger. Alcoholics are very selfish people. They only care about the "pain" that they are in and don't give a damn about those around them watching it all happen.
I threatened to call his X to pick up the boys or take them home myself once because I could not tolerate him being drunk with his boys here. But that threat never went through as I just didn't want to deal with her either.
He will continue to make those promises of not drinking while she is with him I can tell you that.
All I can say is that you have the power to NOT let him be around her anymore until he can stop drinking. You do have that power, I would use it.
You seem like a strong woman and very smart. Use it .
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I don't know your husband so I can't speak to that; however, with my ex, it was all about saving face. There was no way in h*ll he was going to let me have sole custody; not because he wanted our daughter, but because he was and is all about control. We ended up with shared custody with me as primary custodial parent. As time went on, he lost interest in the visitation schedule and missed many, many weekends that he was supposed to get her. It could be that your husband is just pressing as hard as he can now, while the divorce is in process, but after it's all over and he's living his own life, he'll lose interest, too; especially if it interferes with his drinking time.
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
The mediator we are working with has told me that at best, I can only get a judge to order XAH not to drink while caring for DD.
I think you'd have to be Ghandi or something to not let this get to you. Of course we want "normal" and "healthy environment" for our child. Of course seeing the apparent blatant disregard for that is unsettling.
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