January in Australia
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
January in Australia
January in Australia is hot...damn hot and it is his annual 2-3 weeks leave. this is always the worst time and I realise looking at my profile thats when I joined up...last Jan.
Says it is hot and he is on leave so yeah damn right he will enjoy a beer or 2 or 12.
We broke up for 6 weeks in the middle of the year. It was over, forever. I was done. Then by chance we met and I missed him sooo much I wanted him back I truley did. Love him dearly.
We did not live together all year, he worked away and would just be together weekends. he would come home and even have an alcohol free night, then a few saturday, then rush back to the city to be there ready for work the next morning.
Well 2010 is a big year of change for us. We have relocated TOGETHER for work. So we are living together full time and what an eye opener it has been after just a month. Fark what have I done. I have moved my darling 15 year old daughter 7 hours from her home town and suddenly feel stuck.
he doesn't love me...well maybe he does but not as much as his beloved first love . Alcohol.
Of course he can control his drinking...to a degree. just cut it back to a few beers. for a while. But you all know the story, it spirals incidiously back. Right now he is full on. drinking to drunk every night. From about 4pm onwards he is gone while still in the same house. Arrogant, vacant, gone. I love him I hate him.
Says it is hot and he is on leave so yeah damn right he will enjoy a beer or 2 or 12.
We broke up for 6 weeks in the middle of the year. It was over, forever. I was done. Then by chance we met and I missed him sooo much I wanted him back I truley did. Love him dearly.
We did not live together all year, he worked away and would just be together weekends. he would come home and even have an alcohol free night, then a few saturday, then rush back to the city to be there ready for work the next morning.
Well 2010 is a big year of change for us. We have relocated TOGETHER for work. So we are living together full time and what an eye opener it has been after just a month. Fark what have I done. I have moved my darling 15 year old daughter 7 hours from her home town and suddenly feel stuck.
he doesn't love me...well maybe he does but not as much as his beloved first love . Alcohol.
Of course he can control his drinking...to a degree. just cut it back to a few beers. for a while. But you all know the story, it spirals incidiously back. Right now he is full on. drinking to drunk every night. From about 4pm onwards he is gone while still in the same house. Arrogant, vacant, gone. I love him I hate him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Never doubt that you have choices, gold.
You assumed one thing when you made this move. Reality turned out to be something else. It happens.
It's your right to move yourself and your daughter somewhere where life isn't full of alcoholic drama and chaos.
Take care of yourself,
gl
You assumed one thing when you made this move. Reality turned out to be something else. It happens.
It's your right to move yourself and your daughter somewhere where life isn't full of alcoholic drama and chaos.
Take care of yourself,
gl
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I have to agree with Give Love 1000%!!!!!
You do have a choice and an obligation to not subject yourself and your daughter to his alcoholic behaviors.
BTW this was my favorite time of year in Alice rofl, used to LOVE IT!!!!! Always hated when I had to come back to the states.
Pleas know that you are NOT alone in this and that we are walking with you in spirit.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and your daughter are doing, as we do care very much and .................................. it does help!
Love and hugs,
You do have a choice and an obligation to not subject yourself and your daughter to his alcoholic behaviors.
BTW this was my favorite time of year in Alice rofl, used to LOVE IT!!!!! Always hated when I had to come back to the states.
Pleas know that you are NOT alone in this and that we are walking with you in spirit.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and your daughter are doing, as we do care very much and .................................. it does help!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Thank you. I have sent my daughter back this week and next to stay with her older sibling while AP and i had 2 weeks to settle in. Some 2 weeks ... 
so far so she hasn't been here watching him. She is no fool and spends most of her time in her room or watching DVDs while he is home.
I know this. he is not going to change.
what my boundaries are I havn't decided. i think I want him to leave. forever.
he is still in bed hungover. It is such an ugly sight.
Thank you for being there. ATM SR is all i have. I am going to disclose to my 2 best friends (back home ) today.
so far so she hasn't been here watching him. She is no fool and spends most of her time in her room or watching DVDs while he is home. I know this. he is not going to change.
what my boundaries are I havn't decided. i think I want him to leave. forever.
he is still in bed hungover. It is such an ugly sight.
Thank you for being there. ATM SR is all i have. I am going to disclose to my 2 best friends (back home ) today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I have been giving AP the silent treament for 24 hours. I am so angry with him and my personal boundaries he has violated. I am disappointed in him.
We have moved into a lovely home and I am about to start a dream job at a rural hospital in management doing a 12 month project. This should be an exciting time full of new opportunities and challenges. I feel he is taking some of the shine and positive of this away by his actions. I dont feel close to him or supported by him.
I disclosed to my 2 closest friends how thing have been since we moved a week ago. They are wonderful IRL support but just not here. I have them via Skype though and one is coming to stay next weekend.
Oh why cant I just speak out to him about how angry I am at his drinking? I want to go into my new job Monday happy, supported and nowing life at home is peaceful
We have moved into a lovely home and I am about to start a dream job at a rural hospital in management doing a 12 month project. This should be an exciting time full of new opportunities and challenges. I feel he is taking some of the shine and positive of this away by his actions. I dont feel close to him or supported by him.
I disclosed to my 2 closest friends how thing have been since we moved a week ago. They are wonderful IRL support but just not here. I have them via Skype though and one is coming to stay next weekend.
Oh why cant I just speak out to him about how angry I am at his drinking? I want to go into my new job Monday happy, supported and nowing life at home is peaceful
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
We're here for you too, gold.
It may not matter that you can't speak out to him about your anger. Alcoholics often don't respond to anger (or threats, or the silent treatment...) anyway. Their compulsion to drink is very powerful.
Try to keep your focus on yourself. He can't take away the shine of what you are accomplishing unless you let him. Your life is your life -- no matter what choices he makes.
GL
It may not matter that you can't speak out to him about your anger. Alcoholics often don't respond to anger (or threats, or the silent treatment...) anyway. Their compulsion to drink is very powerful.
Try to keep your focus on yourself. He can't take away the shine of what you are accomplishing unless you let him. Your life is your life -- no matter what choices he makes.
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
yes i could get another place but I am the one who got this one. he hasn't put a cent into it. i paid the bond and first months rent.
If anyone moves I expect it to be him.
there are 2 spare empty bedrooms.
I am off right now to buy a new bed for the spare room to carryout my conditions.
I will not sleep with him drunk. if he chooses to drink he sleeps alone.
I can no longer tolerate his behaviour interupting my sleep.
If anyone moves I expect it to be him.
there are 2 spare empty bedrooms.
I am off right now to buy a new bed for the spare room to carryout my conditions.
I will not sleep with him drunk. if he chooses to drink he sleeps alone.
I can no longer tolerate his behaviour interupting my sleep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Okay have new bed for the spare room.
I am so grateful I am agood with money and have saved over the years for personal needs such as this
It "requires som assembly" ha ha ...see you in a few hours. Goes off with coffee to find toolbox.
I am so grateful I am agood with money and have saved over the years for personal needs such as this
It "requires som assembly" ha ha ...see you in a few hours. Goes off with coffee to find toolbox.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
The spare room now has a spare bed so I am set up for visiting friends and family. I am now also set up to act and enforse the consequences of my boundaries if breached.
I have asked and he has agreed to shower before coming to bed if he chooses to drink, otherwise he sleeps alone. At any other time if he interfers with my sleep I will leave him alone in the bed and sleep in the new one.
I have asked and he has agreed to shower before coming to bed if he chooses to drink, otherwise he sleeps alone. At any other time if he interfers with my sleep I will leave him alone in the bed and sleep in the new one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Good sleep is so important in dealing with these kinds of things, gold, so good for you.
There is a reason why one of the major "enhanced interrogation techniques" (i.e. Torture) is sleep deprivation. It makes us crazy, and unable to make sense of life. These small steps, small stringently-enforced boundaries - this is how we regain our sanity.
There is a reason why one of the major "enhanced interrogation techniques" (i.e. Torture) is sleep deprivation. It makes us crazy, and unable to make sense of life. These small steps, small stringently-enforced boundaries - this is how we regain our sanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I started my new job today and it is almost 4 am my head is spinning with the enormity of te project which is also an exciting challenge.
Charming. AP has been grumpy and unpleasant most weekend and told me why tonight after I came home excited and full of the new job.
He told me today he came home at lunchtime the day I brought the bed (last Friday) and I had left the computor on with this thread open and he read it.
he is hurt and lost about my post and asked me what I want.
I didn't say leave .... I said I dont want the relationship to end. I want the behaviour to change. He does not believe he has a problem. I need to "lighten up, accept he drinks and always will."
He does not believe his behavioural changes after drinking are an issue or that I am exaggerating. BUT he doesn't see himself. He does not feel the impact of his emotional withdrawal from 5-6 pm onwards.
Not sure how many more cycles I am prepared to tolerate.
Charming. AP has been grumpy and unpleasant most weekend and told me why tonight after I came home excited and full of the new job.
He told me today he came home at lunchtime the day I brought the bed (last Friday) and I had left the computor on with this thread open and he read it.
he is hurt and lost about my post and asked me what I want.
I didn't say leave .... I said I dont want the relationship to end. I want the behaviour to change. He does not believe he has a problem. I need to "lighten up, accept he drinks and always will."
He does not believe his behavioural changes after drinking are an issue or that I am exaggerating. BUT he doesn't see himself. He does not feel the impact of his emotional withdrawal from 5-6 pm onwards.
Not sure how many more cycles I am prepared to tolerate.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
He does not believe his behavioural changes after drinking are an issue or that I am exaggerating.
Of course he doesn't believe it. He can't afford to believe it. He'd actually have to change something if he believed it.
My X was a big believer in discounting any pain I suffered. I could say, "It hurts to be treated like this," and he would snap right back with "Well, it shouldn't. I'm not trying to hurt you." As though that solved everything. Stop hurting. Snap to it, GL.
Your feelings are valid.
I'm glad you're working through what you are willing to tolerate, and what you aren't. Sorry he's hurt. Maybe he'll begin to understand that his drinking is, indeed, costing him something. Maybe not. Either way, I know you'll make the right decisions for yourself and your daughter.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I totally get the I love him I hate it bit!
You sound like you are making some positive changes for yourself........one foot in front of the other! :0)
I am trying to do that too.........I am also enjoying sleeping in the spare room - its mighty peaceful and no one wakes me up in the middle of the night!
I wish you the best......its a tough journey....Phiz
You sound like you are making some positive changes for yourself........one foot in front of the other! :0)
I am trying to do that too.........I am also enjoying sleeping in the spare room - its mighty peaceful and no one wakes me up in the middle of the night!
I wish you the best......its a tough journey....Phiz
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
My X was a big believer in discounting any pain I suffered. I could say, "It hurts to be treated like this," and he would snap right back with "Well, it shouldn't. I'm not trying to hurt you." As though that solved everything. Stop hurting. Snap to it, GL.
Your feelings are valid.
Your feelings are valid.
I have finished my first week in my wonderful new job at a small rural hospital. I have undertaken an awesome project which utilised all my skills and will make me develop some new ones.
Things are quiet but strained with AP after he read this thread whan I accidently left it on.. he tried to initiate a discussion about what I want.. bringing our relationship to a head but i am not ready for that and asked for a couple of weeks peace and quiet for us to settle. This is not the week for ultimatums or ending our relationship.
My father is very ill. I have an impending legal case from anunrelated issue i am gathering evidence for. My daughter starts a new school in a week or so. We have all just moved town 7 hours from home and both have new jobs. A major confrontation I feel is unhealthy on top of all these changes and I know he does not have the finaincial resources to move out at the moment so am deliberately keeping the peace and enjoying the beautiful strong person he is when sober. (he is on a sober run)
I predict this relationship is terminal. (can you tell I am a nurse by trade?...ha ha)
My beautiful man had decided he doesn't have a problem, does not want treatment, to read books or change any behavoiur.
I sadly accept that for him and for us. I will not live my life with him long term without recovery and sobriety and will draw an my resilience and friend network to enter the next phase of my life without him.
So today we live together and I thank my SR family for online advice, kicks up the bum and support.
It is a long weekend In Australia this weekend "AUSTRALIA DAY" We have friends staying so it will be social and fun. My friends are from my side of the relationship , aware of the situation and very supportive. they love my AP but the loyalties are to me.
I wish for permanent recovery but know unless he wants it there will be no change.
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