troppi

I just have a quick question I don't know if anyone can help?

My boyfriend has quit his hardcore party lifestyle and has not touched any drugs or alchohol for nearly a month... he is doing so well and I am trying to support him as much as I can. It's brilliant to see him sober finally.

However he seems to have replaced his alcohol & drug addiction with a new addiction..... excessive exercise. Of course, I am not saying its a bad thing - it's really good to see him getting fit and healthy and taking care of his body. But it seems to have become an obession, and he wants to spend literally all his spare time in the gym, or running, swimming or training for some new competition. While this is all great, I feel like I have been sidelined and he doesn't spend as much time with me anymore. I am starting to feel like this is just an excuse, or a new form of escapism for him, and I don't know how to deal with it.

Anyone else have a similar experience???

Tally

Uhuh, his was Photography. Just moved all his obsessive, addictive behaviors over to that. Said it helped him stop drinking but all the old behaviours remained.

Have you told him how you feel? Is he in any kind of program?

troppi

Interesting.... hmm. I didn't really expect this to happen. I am seeing him on Friday and I really want to raise the issue, but I don't know how to phrase it. I don't want him to think I am criticising him.

He used to love spending Sunday mornings just lazing in bed snuggling up to me. Now he leaps out of bed before I can even say "morning". Plus he is not wanting to be close to me and affectionate like he used to.

I'm sure he's not doing on purpose to hurt me, but it is hurtful because I feel kinda invisible. He always used to say "I can't wait to see you" and now he says "I can't wait to go to the gym."

I feel like he has put up a wall around himself and I'm left waiting at the gates hoping to be let in.

And no, he is not on any sort of program, just doing it himself.

Krodos

I think you need to give him more time, its only been a month clean and sober. If you approach him with the slant "You spend too much time at the gym" he will get angry and say "Would you rather I stay here and get drunk?"

You're best bet is to give more time like I said, but you can also try and schedule "a night out" or tell him you are going to make him a nice meal, maybe you can goto the gym together, etc.

There are many ways that you can spend more time with him, while still being supportive of his choice to be more healthy.

Freedom1990

Drugs and alcohol were only a symptom of what was wrong with me. I had to find a program of recovery that healed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I've know several people over the years who simply switched one addiction for another. For me, that is not recovery.

I never knew how to cope with life on life's terms. I was always trying to 'run away', either through drugs, booze, or sex/relationships.

Stereosteveo

Impossible to say if he is of the hopeless variety. Unless we have our recovery as priority, many of us go full circle around the clock, eventually back to our original drug/obsession of (no) choice.

FindingPeace1

That's so IT! Hopelessness. My AH feels hopeless when he looks at his shadow side or I am upset. He feels he has no choice in his life - no control. So OF COURSE he doesn't want to talk about it and OF COURSE he wants to hide it because he is powerless (in his mind) to fix it, which just makes him a big, powerless, jerk (in his mind).
I thank my lucky stars I have hope and choice in my life!!!

Freedom1990

I'm glad you have hope and choice in your life too! :ghug3

troppi

Thanks... that makes sense. Infact one of the things he said to me, when I asked him why he was being so emotionally and physically distant with me since being sober, he said,

"I'm going through some changes in my lifestyle and trying to get some balance, because I never had any balance in my lifestyle before, and I'm figuring stuff out about my life and I don't know what I will be like when I come out the other side, I might come out the better for it, and then I will be able commit fully to a relationship with you, but at the moment I just can't promise anything and I don't want to hurt you, to lead you on, in case I don't come out the other side for the better.... because I care about you and respect you too much to promise something if I can't deliver it..."

So, I understand what he's saying. Maybe it's the truth. I guess a tiny part of me is a bit paranoid that he's lieing and it's just an excuse not to commit fully to our relationship, (because I have been lied to and decieved by past boyfriends) but he's a good person with a good heart and I have no reason not to believe him. And I feel selfish for focusing on my own insecurities when I know he is trying really hard to sort his life out.

I am just hoping and praying that he 'comes out the other side for the better'.

justanothrdrunk

I did the same exact thing - sobered up and really got into training again. I was a long distance runner way back in the day...

Problem for me - on the surface anyway - was I over trained and injured myself. Once injured, I had to dial the training way back and then I relapsed because I didn't have the excercise to fill the void.

The end result on the above was a long, hard struggle with a multi-year relapse that ended with me back in rehab, for 5 months.

During that time in rehab was where I learned how to deal with life without totally burying myself in any one thing. I would love to give advice, but I don't really have any - just my experience.

I guess at the very least - with respect to physical training - is to be careful and not overtrain, especially early. As far as the addiction aspect... I got nothing.

FindingPeace1

anvilhead - Mr. Potato head! That rocks.

troppi - his response to you was lovely. Leave him be and work on you. Unfortunately, you can't expect a "normal" relationship with an alcoholic or a person newly in recovery.