He's not concerned
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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He's not concerned
I posted in a medical forum about my ABF's recent medical emergency. (I posted about it)
Here's the reply I recieved:
It is very likely that he had a severe withdrawal reaction to stopping the alcohol. Alcohol, as well as similar medications called benzodiazapines can cause physical dependance in addition to addiction. If someone has been drinking daily large amounts for a long period of time then they cannot simply quit but need to be on long acting medications to prevent the sometimes fatal withdrawal syndrome. One of these is called Delirium tremens which sounds similar to what he had. But given the severe amount of chest pain he had, it is prudent to get him checked out quickly in an emergent setting, as this syndrome can cause or trigger heart attacks.
I'm sick with worry over him. I am having trouble sleeping...I close my eyes and all I see is him and what happened that day. I'm an emotional wreck, close to tears every second of the day!
I've begged him to make a Dr appointment and told him I want to be there for the appointment. He has not made an appointment yet.
When I talk to him he keeps telling me "I'm fine, stop worrying, it's nothing"
I sent him the reply I recieved (^that one^) and I just talked to him now and he kinda laughed and said "You're all over the map huh? First heart attack now you think it's alcohol withdrawl"
He told me last night not to worry, that I'm covered. (his life insurance)
I'm so angry that he's not taking this seriously! He keeps saying "But I can't die, it's been proven! I have plans, I can't die yet!"
Why am I with someone who doesn't give a $hit? Why am I with someone who isn't willing to help himself and take care of himself?
I am so angry!!
Here's the reply I recieved:
It is very likely that he had a severe withdrawal reaction to stopping the alcohol. Alcohol, as well as similar medications called benzodiazapines can cause physical dependance in addition to addiction. If someone has been drinking daily large amounts for a long period of time then they cannot simply quit but need to be on long acting medications to prevent the sometimes fatal withdrawal syndrome. One of these is called Delirium tremens which sounds similar to what he had. But given the severe amount of chest pain he had, it is prudent to get him checked out quickly in an emergent setting, as this syndrome can cause or trigger heart attacks.
I'm sick with worry over him. I am having trouble sleeping...I close my eyes and all I see is him and what happened that day. I'm an emotional wreck, close to tears every second of the day!
I've begged him to make a Dr appointment and told him I want to be there for the appointment. He has not made an appointment yet.
When I talk to him he keeps telling me "I'm fine, stop worrying, it's nothing"
I sent him the reply I recieved (^that one^) and I just talked to him now and he kinda laughed and said "You're all over the map huh? First heart attack now you think it's alcohol withdrawl"
He told me last night not to worry, that I'm covered. (his life insurance)
I'm so angry that he's not taking this seriously! He keeps saying "But I can't die, it's been proven! I have plans, I can't die yet!"
Why am I with someone who doesn't give a $hit? Why am I with someone who isn't willing to help himself and take care of himself?
I am so angry!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Yes, it is frustrating, but you cannot control someone else. It is important that you take care of yourself and allow him to do the same. It's his life, whether he cares about it or not.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Yes, it is frustrating, but you cannot control someone else. It is important that you take care of yourself and allow him to do the same. It's his life, whether he cares about it or not.
I can't watch him kill himself! I'm new to the whole "codie" thing, and I understand about boundaries etc.
How can I go about living my life and not worrying about the fact that his could end very soon if he doesn't take actiona nd take this seriously?
I have no idea if I can do that.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I hear ya, but his life is intertwined with mine. We share a child, he wants to live together one day and wants to get married....how the heck can I just go about and watch him not give a crap? How do I ignore everything?
I can't watch him kill himself! I'm new to the whole "codie" thing, and I understand about boundaries etc.
Then don't watch. I know it sounds cruel, but you have a responsibility to your child and to yourself. So what if he wants to live together someday and get married. If he's not willing to take care of himself, what makes you think he'd be any different when it comes to a family? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings. You cannot make him do what you want and your focus should be on your child and yourself.
I can't watch him kill himself! I'm new to the whole "codie" thing, and I understand about boundaries etc.
Then don't watch. I know it sounds cruel, but you have a responsibility to your child and to yourself. So what if he wants to live together someday and get married. If he's not willing to take care of himself, what makes you think he'd be any different when it comes to a family? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings. You cannot make him do what you want and your focus should be on your child and yourself.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Then don't watch. I know it sounds cruel, but you have a responsibility to your child and to yourself. So what if he wants to live together someday and get married. If he's not willing to take care of himself, what makes you think he'd be any different when it comes to a family? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings. You cannot make him do what you want and your focus should be on your child and yourself.
Thanks again
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hey Elsie,
It's his life to do with what he wants. All you can do is take care of you and your chronological children.
I have 3 young children, and in order to do my job correctly when it comes to raising and nurturing them, I had to back away from my H and what I thought he needed. My over-involvement in what was best for him and his resistance to it was consuming all my thoughts and I was becoming crazed.
Life without an adult partner in my home is logistically difficult, but I can't tell you how much nicer and more peaceful I feel since I have let him be in charge of his own self.
((hugs)) You can't do anything about it. He'll see a doctor when he thinks it's time.
It's his life to do with what he wants. All you can do is take care of you and your chronological children.
I have 3 young children, and in order to do my job correctly when it comes to raising and nurturing them, I had to back away from my H and what I thought he needed. My over-involvement in what was best for him and his resistance to it was consuming all my thoughts and I was becoming crazed.
Life without an adult partner in my home is logistically difficult, but I can't tell you how much nicer and more peaceful I feel since I have let him be in charge of his own self.
((hugs)) You can't do anything about it. He'll see a doctor when he thinks it's time.
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hi elsie....your story hit an old nerve of mine...my XAH had many physical problems especially the last year we were together...and no amount of pleading from me would work. We were married 22 yrs and you would think that he would have understood how much he meant to the kids and I. He eventually hooked up with a female alcoholic and hit the high road....and one of his complaints was that I hounded him over his health issues.
YOU CAN'T FORCE HIM TO THE DOCTOR SO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND CONCENTRATE ON YOU AND THE KIDS.
He is all grown up and he will begin to pull away from you if you continue.
Hugs
Janitw
YOU CAN'T FORCE HIM TO THE DOCTOR SO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND CONCENTRATE ON YOU AND THE KIDS.
He is all grown up and he will begin to pull away from you if you continue.
Hugs
Janitw
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Elsie, are you getting help for yourself?
Are YOU going to a doctor (counselor) to help you survive this obsessive behavior?
I say that with love. Sometimes we are so obsessed with the alcoholic in our lives that we fail to see that we've become someone we don't want to be. We are so fixated on changing them that we can't see we're just as sick and in need of help.
There are people who come here who are willing to spend hours and hours researching this and that for their alcoholic, all the while neglecting their own mental health and often neglecting the needs of their children. Take care that you don't fall into that trap.
Are YOU going to a doctor (counselor) to help you survive this obsessive behavior?
I say that with love. Sometimes we are so obsessed with the alcoholic in our lives that we fail to see that we've become someone we don't want to be. We are so fixated on changing them that we can't see we're just as sick and in need of help.
There are people who come here who are willing to spend hours and hours researching this and that for their alcoholic, all the while neglecting their own mental health and often neglecting the needs of their children. Take care that you don't fall into that trap.
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I still don't understand.
I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone but not care if thier health is failing.
I just don't know if I can do that! That goes against everything I've even known or been taught.
How can I do it?
I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone but not care if thier health is failing.
I just don't know if I can do that! That goes against everything I've even known or been taught.
How can I do it?
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Location: Southwest
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I am not an expert on this, BUT...
You can be concerned.
What you are NOT ABLE TO DO is make him concerned.
When you try to talk him into being concerned for his health, or when you SHOW him articles about the DTs or heart attacks, you are spinning your wheels and trying to do the impossible.
Have you ever heard this? "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig."
So your behavior (trying to convince him to become concerned) is frustrating you, it's making you crazy, it is taking over all your thoughts. You are probably thinking that you just haven't found the right technique yet, and when you tell him the right way, he will "get it." he will know that you are right; that you care so deeply for him; and that you do know best. So you are frustrated and the pig is going to become annoyed.
You can care and be concerned. But you can't do anything about it and you can't make him become concerned. And you can't take him to the pediatrician because he is not a child. he is a man and he is in charge of his health care. Whether you are right to be concerned or not.
I have a hard time understanding how I can be caring and loving, but not co-dependent, too. I think it takes a lot of study and a lot of reflection and quiet time.
Good luck.
You can be concerned.
What you are NOT ABLE TO DO is make him concerned.
When you try to talk him into being concerned for his health, or when you SHOW him articles about the DTs or heart attacks, you are spinning your wheels and trying to do the impossible.
Have you ever heard this? "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig."
So your behavior (trying to convince him to become concerned) is frustrating you, it's making you crazy, it is taking over all your thoughts. You are probably thinking that you just haven't found the right technique yet, and when you tell him the right way, he will "get it." he will know that you are right; that you care so deeply for him; and that you do know best. So you are frustrated and the pig is going to become annoyed.
You can care and be concerned. But you can't do anything about it and you can't make him become concerned. And you can't take him to the pediatrician because he is not a child. he is a man and he is in charge of his health care. Whether you are right to be concerned or not.
I have a hard time understanding how I can be caring and loving, but not co-dependent, too. I think it takes a lot of study and a lot of reflection and quiet time.
Good luck.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone but not care if thier health is failing.
That's the whole point, Elsie. You don't sit around and watch someone destroy themselves, you live your life and take care of your child WITHOUT him in your life. Of course you'll still care, but you'll be caring from a distance, realizing that nothing you say will change him. Until you accept that, you are going to continue to be frustrated and upset.
That's the whole point, Elsie. You don't sit around and watch someone destroy themselves, you live your life and take care of your child WITHOUT him in your life. Of course you'll still care, but you'll be caring from a distance, realizing that nothing you say will change him. Until you accept that, you are going to continue to be frustrated and upset.
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Elsie...you have a child to care for. How old is he/she?
I'm sure you have heard the saying "If mama isn't doing well, baby isn't doing well". What are you doing to care for yourself right now? Is your child benefitting from you obsessing like this over your husband? You know how sensitive children are...they can sense everything and they react accordingly. So if you're stressed out, frustrated and angry all the time, over something you simply cannot change, it is detrimental to your child.
Regarding your husband...do you love him, right now, as he is now? Because that is the only person he is willing to be. Are you willing to accept this person and his behaviour? If not, what will you do about it?
I'm sure you have heard the saying "If mama isn't doing well, baby isn't doing well". What are you doing to care for yourself right now? Is your child benefitting from you obsessing like this over your husband? You know how sensitive children are...they can sense everything and they react accordingly. So if you're stressed out, frustrated and angry all the time, over something you simply cannot change, it is detrimental to your child.
Regarding your husband...do you love him, right now, as he is now? Because that is the only person he is willing to be. Are you willing to accept this person and his behaviour? If not, what will you do about it?
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Originally Posted by Elsie
I still don't understand.
I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone but not care if thier health is failing.
I just don't know if I can do that! That goes against everything I've even known or been taught.
How can I do it?
I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone but not care if thier health is failing.
I just don't know if I can do that! That goes against everything I've even known or been taught.
How can I do it?
My almost 32 year old daughter is the product of living with active alcoholism/addiction the first 8 years of her life.
I was never there as a parent, often not physically, and certainly never emotionally.
My codependency was all-consuming. I was just as insane as he was.
My daughter is an active alcoholic/addict. She lives what she experienced those early years of her life.
She's been incarcerated many times. She lost custody of her children. She picks the worst of the lot when it comes to men.
Every day I live with the knowledge of the damage that I did to my oldest daughter.
Just some food for thought.
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Elsie...you have a child to care for. How old is he/she?
I emailed him today and told him I'm done worrying about someone that's not worried about themselves.
I will focus on myself and my children now.
He said "Thank you, I appreciate that"
I asked what he appreciated and he replied "That you are accepting the fact that you cant worry about my health, that it will eventually wear you out."
So, with that, I guess the appointment he said he was going to make is not going to be made.
I can feel that I've made a complete shift in my mind.
I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who's not willing to do his best to ensure that he's healthy around for his family.
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Originally Posted by Elsie
I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who's not willing to do his best to ensure that he's healthy around for his family.
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