He's not concerned
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Now you are catching on.....sometimes you have to get out of the way and let him hit his bottom sweetie....if he suffers no consequences then no healing will begin...so please for the sake of yourself and your children "Let Go And Let God" take over.
Hugs
Janitw
Hugs
Janitw
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone but not care if thier health is failing.
It's not that you don't "care." All feelings are acceptable to feel. It is our actions, our behaviors that matter.
So if you are "caring' about something more than the person who owns the problem and this is making you obsess, taking up space in your mind, worrying you, making you change your plans, have manipulative conversations where you try to persuade the person to care as much as you do, or making you try anything to make them "see" then you are engaging in unhealthy behaviors for yourself that at best are distracting you from your other responsibilities, and at worst will begin to define who you are and how you operate in relationships, all in opposition to someone else's problem! Yuk!
It takes practice - I needed AlAnon and therapy to help me learn new habits of mind. All I can say is I finally came to a place - with practice - where I could see the forest and not just the trees. I trust that my bros have their own destiny in life to fulfill and that things are unfolding exactly as they should be without any interference from me. Is my side of the street clean? Then all I can do is say a prayer for them, stop thinking that I arrogantly know better than anyone how they should live their lives and keep doing the next right thing for me and my kids.
peace-
b
It's not that you don't "care." All feelings are acceptable to feel. It is our actions, our behaviors that matter.
So if you are "caring' about something more than the person who owns the problem and this is making you obsess, taking up space in your mind, worrying you, making you change your plans, have manipulative conversations where you try to persuade the person to care as much as you do, or making you try anything to make them "see" then you are engaging in unhealthy behaviors for yourself that at best are distracting you from your other responsibilities, and at worst will begin to define who you are and how you operate in relationships, all in opposition to someone else's problem! Yuk!
It takes practice - I needed AlAnon and therapy to help me learn new habits of mind. All I can say is I finally came to a place - with practice - where I could see the forest and not just the trees. I trust that my bros have their own destiny in life to fulfill and that things are unfolding exactly as they should be without any interference from me. Is my side of the street clean? Then all I can do is say a prayer for them, stop thinking that I arrogantly know better than anyone how they should live their lives and keep doing the next right thing for me and my kids.
peace-
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
So....do I break it off with him?
He's been sober since January 1. So, he's got that going for him. But now there's this.....the not seeking medical attention. It's not the first time either.
Last year he was suffering with a very scary medical issue. (rectal bleeding)
His appointments for those are coming up soon (a physical at the end of this month and a colonoscopy in March) and I think he was planning on cancelling them.
Now all of this...possible heart attack and not worried enough to see a Dr.
Is this a reason for me to end it? I know no one here is going to say "Yep, get rid of him" because that's ultimately my decision etc. but......I'm still struggling with "worrying from a distance".
I'm angry with him for not caring about himself.
So, I've stopped being concerned, I've stopped texting him asking him if he's ok, stopped scouring the internet for answers, and he feels it, he knows I've shifted and is now asking me why I'm so distant!?
How can I get close to someone if I don't know if he's going to be alive 2 years from now!?
But with that said, no one knows when our time here is up!
I keep thinking about the vows people make when they get married "For better or worse, in sickness and in health"...and although we're not married, those are still things to consider and strive for in a long term relationship.
Do I stick it out and try to make it work even though he could potentially die from lack of medical care?
I'm not making an ounce of sense. It's so frustrating!
He's been sober since January 1. So, he's got that going for him. But now there's this.....the not seeking medical attention. It's not the first time either.
Last year he was suffering with a very scary medical issue. (rectal bleeding)
His appointments for those are coming up soon (a physical at the end of this month and a colonoscopy in March) and I think he was planning on cancelling them.
Now all of this...possible heart attack and not worried enough to see a Dr.
Is this a reason for me to end it? I know no one here is going to say "Yep, get rid of him" because that's ultimately my decision etc. but......I'm still struggling with "worrying from a distance".
I'm angry with him for not caring about himself.
So, I've stopped being concerned, I've stopped texting him asking him if he's ok, stopped scouring the internet for answers, and he feels it, he knows I've shifted and is now asking me why I'm so distant!?
How can I get close to someone if I don't know if he's going to be alive 2 years from now!?
But with that said, no one knows when our time here is up!
I keep thinking about the vows people make when they get married "For better or worse, in sickness and in health"...and although we're not married, those are still things to consider and strive for in a long term relationship.
Do I stick it out and try to make it work even though he could potentially die from lack of medical care?
I'm not making an ounce of sense. It's so frustrating!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Elsie 
So, I've stopped being concerned, I've stopped texting him asking him if he's ok, stopped scouring the internet for answers, and he feels it, he knows I've shifted and is now asking me why I'm so distant!?
Your bf may very well start coming after you demanding your attention/affection now that you're starting to pull away. It seems to be a common pattern in codependent relationships.
Originally Posted by Elsie
How can I get close to someone if I don't know if he's going to be alive 2 years from now!?
Originally Posted by Elsie
Do I stick it out and try to make it work even though he could potentially die from lack of medical care?
Originally Posted by Elsie
I'm not making an ounce of sense.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You get to choose if you stay or go.
Ask yourself if you want to "stick it out."
We are telling you can't change/fix/help him and there IS a way to let go of feeling like you need to. It takes WORK on our part, a day at a time.
You don't need to stop caring. But caring doesn't mean the same thing as obsessing. Caring can be stepping away.
Bring it back to you. Let him do what he chooses. Its undoubtedly self destructive, which is why we are all here. But its his choice.
As Bernadette says (from her mom, I believe), its time to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.
Who are you?
What do you want in life?
What do you want to be/do today?
What are your minimum qualifications for friends/lifetime partner?
How are you caring for yourself today?
Read Codependent No More.
Breathe.
wife
Ask yourself if you want to "stick it out."
We are telling you can't change/fix/help him and there IS a way to let go of feeling like you need to. It takes WORK on our part, a day at a time.
You don't need to stop caring. But caring doesn't mean the same thing as obsessing. Caring can be stepping away.
Bring it back to you. Let him do what he chooses. Its undoubtedly self destructive, which is why we are all here. But its his choice.
As Bernadette says (from her mom, I believe), its time to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.
Who are you?
What do you want in life?
What do you want to be/do today?
What are your minimum qualifications for friends/lifetime partner?
How are you caring for yourself today?
Read Codependent No More.
Breathe.
wife
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I keep thinking about the vows people make when they get married "For better or worse, in sickness and in health"...and although we're not married, those are still things to consider and strive for in a long term relationship.
Well vows are about love.
I can love someone in sickness or in health, for better or worse. Does not mean I have to try to control them or convince them that they should do things my way.
How can I get close to someone if I don't know if he's going to be alive 2 years from now!?
I had to accept the unacceptable. I had to accept that my bros may die or kill another person while driving drunk. It took a lot of work for me to accept this. When I did I felt a great weight lifted.
If you say you cannot be with someone who doesn't take care of himself I believe you. You have every right to choose who you allow into your inner circle, and every right to protect yourself if you cannot handle the pain.
Time spent after my divorce getting to know me and who I really am and what I want has prevented me from getting involved with men who I then try to force into my idea of what my ideal partner is, like I did with my exH. For me it has everything to do with being honest with myself, and accepting people exactly as they are, today. I can still love someone - but I don't have to marry them or be their GF if I can see clearly that it is not healthy for me!
peace-
b
Well vows are about love.
I can love someone in sickness or in health, for better or worse. Does not mean I have to try to control them or convince them that they should do things my way.
How can I get close to someone if I don't know if he's going to be alive 2 years from now!?
I had to accept the unacceptable. I had to accept that my bros may die or kill another person while driving drunk. It took a lot of work for me to accept this. When I did I felt a great weight lifted.
If you say you cannot be with someone who doesn't take care of himself I believe you. You have every right to choose who you allow into your inner circle, and every right to protect yourself if you cannot handle the pain.
Time spent after my divorce getting to know me and who I really am and what I want has prevented me from getting involved with men who I then try to force into my idea of what my ideal partner is, like I did with my exH. For me it has everything to do with being honest with myself, and accepting people exactly as they are, today. I can still love someone - but I don't have to marry them or be their GF if I can see clearly that it is not healthy for me!
peace-
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by anvilhead
now it appears that there is a potentially endless list of things he must change in order to be the man YOU want him to be.
But now it's a matter of him apparently being ok with dieing at a moments notice. Leaving me and 4 kids behind because he wouldn't seek some medical advice on how to protect himself and his health.
LOL I still feel like I'm not coming across how I want to, argh!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by anvilhead
our codependency can lead us to believe that everything is a crisis and MUST be resolved IMMEDIATELY and that the outcome absolutely HAS to fall in line with OUR expectations. and the more resistant that person place or thing is to doing it OUR way, the more powerful our NEED to control the outcome grows.
Originally Posted by anvilhead
at one time it was JUST about his drinking. now it appears that there is a potentially endless list of things he must change in order to be the man YOU want him to be.
Anvilhead, you are a wise, wise person. Thank HP you're here.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by Elsie
I hear what you're saying. He made the choice to stop drinking, so I decided to give us another shot.
But now it's a matter of him apparently being ok with dieing at a moments notice. Leaving me and 4 kids behind because he wouldn't seek some medical advice on how to protect himself and his health.
LOL I still feel like I'm not coming across how I want to, argh!
But now it's a matter of him apparently being ok with dieing at a moments notice. Leaving me and 4 kids behind because he wouldn't seek some medical advice on how to protect himself and his health.
LOL I still feel like I'm not coming across how I want to, argh!
I'm not trying to be mean, but it seems a little dictatorial.
Now, having said that, I was always worried about my dh's health: he had gained too much weight; didn't exercise; ate too much fast food; didn't take care of his high blood pressure; ate red meat 3 times daily if not more; drank too much caffeine and not enough water; refused to go to the dentist.
So I do know how it feels to have a loved one who refuses to do what's prudent.
But you can't drag him to the doctor, so you have to accept his desires on how to take care of himself. You worrying about him won't make him well or keep him healthy.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Acceptance has been mentioned several times in this thread. That really is the key.
You're wondering what you should DO, but before that you have to accept what IS.
Awareness-->Acceptance-->Action, in that order.
That's what gets us stuck. Trying to figure out the Action without really completing the Acceptance step. When we still have an idea we can change what IS, then we can't decide what to DO.
He is who he is. You don't have to like it, but you have to let go of the notion that you can change it. What you see is what you get. It's only from that point you can decide what you want to DO about it. (Stay, go, wait and see, etc.)
L
You're wondering what you should DO, but before that you have to accept what IS.
Awareness-->Acceptance-->Action, in that order.
That's what gets us stuck. Trying to figure out the Action without really completing the Acceptance step. When we still have an idea we can change what IS, then we can't decide what to DO.
He is who he is. You don't have to like it, but you have to let go of the notion that you can change it. What you see is what you get. It's only from that point you can decide what you want to DO about it. (Stay, go, wait and see, etc.)
L
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by stella27
Elsie, may I suggest that it's not really fair to keep on setting new conditions for him? He did what you wanted: he agreed to stop drinking. So now you have moved onto the next thing you want him to change - his health care.
I'm not trying to be mean, but it seems a little dictatorial.
I'm not trying to be mean, but it seems a little dictatorial.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I'm getting the feeling here that this relationship is all consuming for you.
You need to detach a bit.
You can't control someone.
You can't own someone.
It's his choice and if that's his choice then you have to accept it and if you can't handle it you must walk away.
You must walk away to stop yourself from going crazy.
It's his life.
You need to detach a bit.
You can't control someone.
You can't own someone.
It's his choice and if that's his choice then you have to accept it and if you can't handle it you must walk away.
You must walk away to stop yourself from going crazy.
It's his life.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who's not willing to do his best to ensure that he's healthy around for his family.
Great realization, in my view you are figuring out what YOU want from a partner, this is good work!! Although I know about being controlling one thing is to want your partner to use his green shirt today and another one is to want him to keep being alive.
In my humble view that is not controlling but realizing the bare basic needs for a relation are not being met.
It was alcohol, now going to the doc. If he decides to go then he won't take the medicines... etc... him, him, all him... all about him... all around him... who is he anyway? why is he more important than you or kids?
Just saying "thanks" for not bringing the subject up anymore would make me feel insulted and very very angry.
He is not a person alone in an island seeing his life fade away. He has a partner and children that need him and he doesn't care if he lives or dies.
To me that is an extremely selfish person, if he is going to stop making efforts... then at least he could go away and stop hurting you and your kids.
But no, he stays, ready to create more drama, feeding off it because you give him all your care and energy. That can change anytime you decide.
He doesn't seem willing to change this sad dance, it is YOU that can put it to an end... think of your children, they are learning its ok to care for people that don't care AT ALL about others, not even his own baby. Why would a busy woman and mother need someone like that in her life?
This is just my humble outsider opinion of course... I think you are doing great realizing who he really is. When I realized xbf was never a good person in the first place, just acting like one to obtain drinking companion, sex, etc, it was painful but it was also the key to get out .. and stay out... and when I told someone forgetting about him was the most difficult task ever he replied "difficult? no. It is easy, very very easy, to let go of someone like that"
Great realization, in my view you are figuring out what YOU want from a partner, this is good work!! Although I know about being controlling one thing is to want your partner to use his green shirt today and another one is to want him to keep being alive.
In my humble view that is not controlling but realizing the bare basic needs for a relation are not being met.
It was alcohol, now going to the doc. If he decides to go then he won't take the medicines... etc... him, him, all him... all about him... all around him... who is he anyway? why is he more important than you or kids?
Just saying "thanks" for not bringing the subject up anymore would make me feel insulted and very very angry.
He is not a person alone in an island seeing his life fade away. He has a partner and children that need him and he doesn't care if he lives or dies.
To me that is an extremely selfish person, if he is going to stop making efforts... then at least he could go away and stop hurting you and your kids.
But no, he stays, ready to create more drama, feeding off it because you give him all your care and energy. That can change anytime you decide.
He doesn't seem willing to change this sad dance, it is YOU that can put it to an end... think of your children, they are learning its ok to care for people that don't care AT ALL about others, not even his own baby. Why would a busy woman and mother need someone like that in her life?
This is just my humble outsider opinion of course... I think you are doing great realizing who he really is. When I realized xbf was never a good person in the first place, just acting like one to obtain drinking companion, sex, etc, it was painful but it was also the key to get out .. and stay out... and when I told someone forgetting about him was the most difficult task ever he replied "difficult? no. It is easy, very very easy, to let go of someone like that"
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Wow...what great advice has been shared on this thread!!!!!
Anvil-love the description of codependency.
The only thing I would add as an alcoholic, is that yes, it is wonderful that he has been sober since Jan. 1st...but, that is a mere d-r-o-p in the bucket of sobriety. It is a start..
and that is all it is....
Peace
Anvil-love the description of codependency.
The only thing I would add as an alcoholic, is that yes, it is wonderful that he has been sober since Jan. 1st...but, that is a mere d-r-o-p in the bucket of sobriety. It is a start..
and that is all it is....
Peace
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