update on my life and times
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
update on my life and times
Hey, lovely folk!
I am going to day 2 of therapy. The first one brought up some deep, old stuff from my youth, which I hope will be good in the long run.
I applied to a bunch of summer seasonal jobs at various national parks and one 3 year job far from here in a park. I feel I need those jobs as a back up to my life here with my AH.
I got the book What Happy People Know and enjoyed it (someone here recommended it) and Under the Influence. That book made me wonder if my husband is a true alcoholic (in the biological sense) or just an alcohol abuser, but then I realized it makes no difference.
My AH has tempered and we have been able to talk about the possibility of things not working. He can not say what is wrong, exactly or what he needs/wants, but he feels I don't give him enough credit and I will never let go of the wounds I have. He did make it clear he DOES NOT want to change (in those words). (Can the universe make any clearer of a blinking neon sign?
)
I am still a roller coaster of emotion -
sad my AH won't communicate
sad he would lose me b/c he is so afraid
mad he won't apologize
mad when he is snotty
afraid of loss/the unknown
afraid of him not loving me/thinking I am cruel
at peace with myself
proud of my growth
excited at the possibilities of life
compassionate for me and him
full of love for my AH and myself
But all and all I'm tempering. Tempering.
Hugs to you all
wife
I am going to day 2 of therapy. The first one brought up some deep, old stuff from my youth, which I hope will be good in the long run.
I applied to a bunch of summer seasonal jobs at various national parks and one 3 year job far from here in a park. I feel I need those jobs as a back up to my life here with my AH.
I got the book What Happy People Know and enjoyed it (someone here recommended it) and Under the Influence. That book made me wonder if my husband is a true alcoholic (in the biological sense) or just an alcohol abuser, but then I realized it makes no difference.
My AH has tempered and we have been able to talk about the possibility of things not working. He can not say what is wrong, exactly or what he needs/wants, but he feels I don't give him enough credit and I will never let go of the wounds I have. He did make it clear he DOES NOT want to change (in those words). (Can the universe make any clearer of a blinking neon sign?
)I am still a roller coaster of emotion -
sad my AH won't communicate
sad he would lose me b/c he is so afraid
mad he won't apologize
mad when he is snotty
afraid of loss/the unknown
afraid of him not loving me/thinking I am cruel
at peace with myself
proud of my growth
excited at the possibilities of life
compassionate for me and him
full of love for my AH and myself
But all and all I'm tempering. Tempering.
Hugs to you all
wife
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I'm sorry to hear he does not want to change. Those words once killed me. I literally had panic attacks about xabf saying that.
So now that you know this it makes it easier to just focus on what you want your future to look like. There is always a bright spot ahead if we look for it.
Hugs : )
So now that you know this it makes it easier to just focus on what you want your future to look like. There is always a bright spot ahead if we look for it.
Hugs : )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
It was comforting, in a way, to have it so straight. Of course, much of what he says is reactive and not thought through. That is not to say it is true or not. Just that his words don't hold much water.
He is a love. Sad. He feels hopeless. If I could give him anything (I know I can't) it would be the ability to see he has power over life.
If I could give myself that gift (and I work on it daily!), I would give myself the same!
I give myself the advice I give to others.
Breathe. Ease. Relax. Trust. Give it over to my Higher, Deeper Power.
I see lots of goodness.
Mostly, I feel so blessed to have found you all and to be given the opportunity to grow! Growth comes from hardship, which is why hardship is a gift in disguise!
Hugs,
Wife
He is a love. Sad. He feels hopeless. If I could give him anything (I know I can't) it would be the ability to see he has power over life.
If I could give myself that gift (and I work on it daily!), I would give myself the same!
I give myself the advice I give to others.
Breathe. Ease. Relax. Trust. Give it over to my Higher, Deeper Power.
I see lots of goodness.
Mostly, I feel so blessed to have found you all and to be given the opportunity to grow! Growth comes from hardship, which is why hardship is a gift in disguise!
Hugs,
Wife
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You have changed so much in such a short space of time. It is amazing to see you grow. You have been so open here and willing to think things through for you. You sound so centred and know what you want - you're an inspiration.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
I SO understand what you wrote above!
I am still a roller coaster of emotion -
sad my AH won't communicate
sad he would lose me b/c he is so afraid
mad he won't apologize
mad when he is snotty
afraid of loss/the unknown
afraid of him not loving me/thinking I am cruel
at peace with myself
proud of my growth
excited at the possibilities of life
compassionate for me and him
full of love for my AH and myself
Well, most of it - especially the sadness of the unwillingness of AH to try or talk, mad he won't apologize - and LASTLY - I am not sure I am full of love for my AH. I don't hate him, but I think love for me would be a stretch. I feel bad just saying that, but I feel justified in my feelings and stronger for understanding what I feel! Whatever you do, you are making huge steps just analyzing and working through everything...acknowledgin that I was ok if things worked out and ok if they didn't really helped me as well! Good for you!!
I am still a roller coaster of emotion -
sad my AH won't communicate
sad he would lose me b/c he is so afraid
mad he won't apologize
mad when he is snotty
afraid of loss/the unknown
afraid of him not loving me/thinking I am cruel
at peace with myself
proud of my growth
excited at the possibilities of life
compassionate for me and him
full of love for my AH and myself
Well, most of it - especially the sadness of the unwillingness of AH to try or talk, mad he won't apologize - and LASTLY - I am not sure I am full of love for my AH. I don't hate him, but I think love for me would be a stretch. I feel bad just saying that, but I feel justified in my feelings and stronger for understanding what I feel! Whatever you do, you are making huge steps just analyzing and working through everything...acknowledgin that I was ok if things worked out and ok if they didn't really helped me as well! Good for you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by naive 
how can he turn it over to a hp, if perhaps he doesn't have a hp?
just wondering...
just wondering...
He doesn't turn anything over.Thanks bookwrm and givelove and mentallyexh. I am WORKING to be the person I want to be. Daily. I am gifted to be supported financially by my AH (funny how things turn out) so that I can
-go to therapy
-journal
-read/post here
-do step work
-read self help books
-talk it out with friends
-meditate
-exercise
-cook and eat fabulous food
-grow
HOORAY!
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