Shamperz

My partner admits she drinks too much and may have a problem but very angrily wont admit to being an alcoholc to any degree.

Where is that line between drinking too much and having a dependency? And more importantly how can you get them to see that?
She doesnt want to admit shes an alcoholic because that would mean doing something about it. And I think the scarriest part of that is the realisation that she may have to cut it out altogether - FOREVER.

I quit smoking sept 2008 after fifteen years and know this problem all too well.
But I cant seem to give any practical advice on how great it feels to live without addiction without sounding condecending and preechy.

:o(

flutter

Well the easy answer to your main question is, "you can't."

Lots of other folks with tons of experience with this stuff will come by and give you some guidance.. but really that's the bottom line. She'll quit when and if she wants to.. what you should focus on is you, and whether or not you're willing to accept things as they are, or if you have some boundaries to establish in your life.

Shamperz

Yeah I was thinking about that earlier. Its like there are degrees and kinds of love that keep you together. Like family - I cant imagine how difficult this might be when dealing with a family member as the bonds are sop much deeper.
Although I do love my girlfriend and we do have a deep bond and we live together so have lots of things connecting our lives, I can still walk away from it. I think she thinks that what we have is unconditional but that fact for any couple is that it takes effort on both sides.
Thing is I hear other peoples stories of wo and think im being a little harsh and that I could do more.

naive

you can't convince her. you'll drive yourself crazy trying. part of alcoholism is denial.

however, you can release her to "the school of hard knocks" where she must suffer the consequences of her drinking. stop giving her a safe place to land.

then, perhaps, life will teach her. but some never learn.

also, just want to add that alcoholism is a progressive disease. it gets worse and worse and just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets worse.

naive

Shamperz

What do you mean by stop giving her a safe place to land? Im all for tough love where its called for but can you give me an example?

Thanks

tjp613

Perhaps you could uh....suggest....that she take one of these quizzes:

Alcoholism Screening Quiz
Am I an alcoholic? Alcoholism Alcoholic Self Assessment and Quiz | Rehab San Diego, California | Casa Palmera
If I drink alcohol, How Much is Too Much? www.AlcoholScreening.org

tjp613

Flutter is right. Remember when you quit smoking? Did any amount of preaching or lecturing from others make you any more motivated? Or did it send you into further denial or stubborn defiance? Or was it your own personal experience of "enough is enough!" that got you to finally quit?

bookwyrm

Do you make sure all the bills are paid? Do you keep a roof over both your heads? Ensure that there is enough food for you both? Are more responsible for all the household chores etc? Do you cover for her to friends and family? Clean up after a drinking binge for her? Generally act like a mother to a grown up?

I found myself doing all these things and more eventually. STBXAH could rely on me to 'look after' him while he did his own thing. I ended up feeling like a mother - and I don't have children!! When we first started out, he talked of sharing things equally, being in a partnership with equal responsibility. Unfortunately his idea of equality and mine were too different things!

Shamperz

Not quite but sort of. We both contribute financially but its always down to me to make sure everythings paid. I know shes been in trouble with bills before and before she lived with me and was on her own. She talks about how independent she was because of it but also know she took hand outs from her parents a lot. I dont think she truely knows what it is to be skint and to prioritise accordingly.
We both clean and tidy. lol

I see your point though

JenT1968

: the holy grail of those who love an addict.

If you crack that one you'll be richer than Croesus.

I am willing to bet everything I own that most of us have asked that question, on our knees, in despair, and that most of us have tried every possible answer to that until we believed the one at the top of the page.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I do not think any amount of convincing helps. I have been there and done that. I am trying to separate at the moment and part of me hopes that will be "his bottom" and the other part of me knows it mostly likely will not. I am trying learn to focus on me and stop trying to convince him of anything anymore.

Keep posting, it helps!