Kassie2

Well, it was difficult but I made it through the first week of the new year alone. It was especially hard b/c my RAH are separated and we work at the same place so we run into each other a lot. It is awkward.
I also posted about another problem that came up for me related to my family which just magnified my sense of being alone.
I can see that my RAH is still carrying around a lot of anger toward me but at least I don't have to listen to it.
I have been thinking all week about the things we have gone through - the behavior/the mistrust/ the blaming/ the continual hope that gets clobbered -looking to let go.

Startingover2

Hey Kass..

I guess it just goes to prove that even when sober some have the same attitudes and behaviors. So sorry!

Hope you have a good weekend!

tigger11

Yay to you Kassie for making it through the first week of 2010! Sometimes we have to take it one week/day/moment at a time. And you're doing that! Give yourself kudos.

HUGS!
Tigg

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Good job Kassie!! I feel that 2010 is going to be my year to detach fro real this time.

Go easy on yourself because this is definately not easy. I am right beside you trying my best to move on.

Kassie2

I woke up today and the anger is coming up in my thoughts. Just wanted to someone to know how I was feeling today.

Kassie2

Just came back from IC and realized that I lost my hopes and dreams. I am quite content with what is on my plate so it isn't that I need to be more active or involved with anything. Just don't know how to move forward - always had a plan or a dream in my life that kept me going - why not now?

naive

hey kassie-

give it some time. one week no contact is just the beginning. your repressed emotions are coming up now (anger). have them. feel them. let some time pass. more anger, sadness, longing, resentment will come up. this is a good sign! let it pass through you and come out so that it can get out. sit with it. journal it. express it here but have it!

it's like a detox. you're detoxing from him and the poision is coming up to be purged.

all part of the process.

be extra gentle with yourself. a soak in the bathtub with lavender oil always soothes me. perhaps splurge on a couple of candles or some little treat that you enjoy.

tomorrow is another day. it will pass.

miyah

Hi Kassie
I think living with the A steals our hopes and dreams from us. I have been twenty days NC, so am facing this new year alone too.
I find myself sort of confused as to what to do. I also had plans and dreams , just involving him. I find I have lots of extra time to do the things I need to, but also too much time to try to figure out how I got so lost.
Hang in there- we will make it!

Kassie2

I woke up today thinking about getting to the end of it so I can come home and hide in my bed without anyone bothering me.

I thought what a terrible way to start the day and so I went in search of a different view and found a lot of positive ways to start the day.

I still want to stay in my safe,cozy world where everything is ok and I don't have to fix anything.

I want to be present with the people who I see today and be there to offer what I can if they want to see something different.

I want to be able to stop being hurt and afraid of the world. I didn't use to think this way, but it isn't coming back so easily this time.

Thanks for listening.

Kassie2

I had a good day until I saw RAH (we work together). Seeing him w/o his ring gives me wonder about his committment.

I then decided that I will not try to guess what his motives are or what he is thinking or feeling - I will not wish today away and not give up the positive feelings I have b/c of this.

GiveLove

Hang in there, kassie. You're doing just fine. This is very hard stuff you're doing, and little by little you will return to your usual self, and your own hopes and dreams. It must be very hard to work with him....is there any chance of that changing in the future, so it doesn't keep disturbing your inner peace? Just wondering...

Kassie2

Ran into RAH today several times, literally in the hallway - both of us awkward. Got me thinking about things I shouldn't bother with b/c so far things always end up the same way.
But I keep going there. Wondering what went wrong, what can I do and how did we get here? Why me? etc.
I know about A, but I thought sobriety would make a difference.
Then I remember that I am suppose to stay focused on my life.
Well, could use some help. What am I supposed to focus on. I am not complaining about my freedom - and I am enjoying the time to relax, but I don't want the rest of my life to be this way.

Just to let you all know, I am ordered by my IC to let myself be needy here so please support my effort and thank you in advance.

naive

it'll get better, kassie. let some more time pass and try to discover things you enjoy. it's less than ideal that you have to run into him daily. any way that you can do something to prevent this? like another job? or a transfer? or take some of your holiday? or request to remote commute?

for myself, i find keeping it simple really helps...taking care of me...and that means to exercise daily, eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, do my situps!, etc.

Kassie2

I started to cave a few times this week. Didn't go there. Was reminded when reading others' stories that these things happened to me before and even tho' he isn't drinking things are not right. I have to remind myself that there is a reason we are not talking right now and a reason that we are not together. I am still getting adjusted.

And it has been a month now.

And about the dream... today I realized when I had a woman who was beaten by her AH for Christmas how much we fall in love with a dream of a person and how our relationship though it starts out with the dream, it becomes a relationship with and addiction. I am still grabbling with that one.

I am also asking those who pray for the woman I was talking too.

transformyself

for me, this is the key to recovery. Gratitude in the moment changes everything. Also, we hear over and over how the only thing we can "control" or change is ourselves, and that starts with out thoughts. Your example is a perfect illustration. Once I decide to make my life better and replace old negative thought patterns with positive ones, I not only feel better but see real, nearly magical change in my life.

You're doing so well.

Kassie2

Once again it was a tough day to get up and go. With the long weekend I wondered what it will bring (related to my RAH).

I picked up a book at lunchtime I have read before on Anger and started to look through the pages. It is a very old book but I wondered if it had any relavance to me now. I began to see myself in this relationship. In a marriage with a person who continually asks me to put up with unfair circumstances - that is a lot of anger for me. I wrote a list of the basics in a few minutes and filled a page that was scary!

I continued to read and thought - hey! this could be the answer to our problems -I could learn to handle things better... then I heard this little voice say WHOA! here you are again trying to fix this relationship! why are you taking the responsibility?! AGAIN?!

Why is it that we feel the need to keep taking responsibility on ourselves instead of for ?! Anyone care to comment...