work boundaries or am I just a b*tch
 

It is very hard (at least for me) to "assert boundaries" at work and I can't tell if I was asserting boundaries or being a b*tch.

A colleague asked me to take a late project today because she was going to be out for half the day the next day. (routinely we help each other with the follow-up responsibilities, so this late project would not have had any bearing on her half day). I was not pleased but then said I would do it. Ultimately she ended up taking the project with some huffing, puffing and deep sighs.

I felt bad for not doing it, but on the other hand it was totally unfair for her to ask me to take the late project just because she didn't want to stay late.

I don't think she would have asked anyone else - why does she think she can dump the late project on me?

Now I feel like the bad guy and yet also angry.

If you're right about that, maybe it's because you allowed her to take advantage of your good nature in the past?

Doesn't really matter either way. Good for you for standing up for yourself and not allowing her to dump last minute projects on you just so she wouldn't have to work late.

Don't feel bad about saying 'no.' You are NOT responsible for her reaction to the fact that you stood up for yourself.

Thank you, Dreamer.

It is hard to not feel guilty and wonder if I am a "team player".

P.S. I did offer to share the project with her, and offered her help for the follow-up work tomorrow and even asked if she had somewhere she needed to be tonight, in which case I would have taken the late project

It does make me wonder - is it that we are "nice people" and "good -natured" or is it that people see us as having no backbone, and usable?

Just being you aren't picking up someone else's slack doesn't mean you aren't a team player. If you are accountable for your work, willing to go the extra mile occasionally, but are clear about what your boundaries are, I think that makes you a BETTER team member than the person who's always doing the work for the others.

See, that's a better balance for you. It's so hard, when you're naturally inclined to "help people" to find that right balance where you respect yourself AND still feel "nice".

IMHO, it's a bit of both. There are some people, like my XAH, who seem to be natural social predators, and who can sense how easily others are to manipulate. Whether they do so overtly or not, they will naturally pass their work onto those others just because it's so easy to do so. I'm one of those natural doormats and I struggle everyday to do or say the things that feel right to me.