is this the alcohol or is it GROW UP?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
is this the alcohol or is it GROW UP?
I was on here back in Sept with issues with an Abf and I listened to all your posts and I broke it off. Well, I should say that I cut off all "intimate ties"
and he still wanted to hang out. . he's still been a jerk on and off even as friends. I have told him repeatedly that this is going nowhere and we are
not compatable. . .He did admit back in Sept to being abusive and as a softy
I allowed him to still come over (as friends) . .
well last nite he went to darts I said I didn't feel good so I told him, come
over after if you want. So he came home relatively early and I'm trying
to quit smoking as of yesterday . . so I told him if he wants to smoke,
please go in the basement. .. . He was only here maybe 10 minutes in bed
and said (yes I allow him to hug and whatever but that's it), .. he has
to go to the bathroom. . . so instead of using the bathroom down the hall
I hear him going downstairs and what he DID Was he went into the basement
to smoke and then outside the basement door to go pee. whatever. .but
I have 2 cats that sit by the door to the basement and run down there
60 miles an hour, and when he came upstairs .. .my black cat follows me
everywhere and never leaves my side . .either she's on the bed or on the
floor in the hallway and after he came upstairs . . I didn't see my cat for
5 whole minutes (which is not like her) He didn't have that much to drink
(he's had more) and I got scared and jumped up frantickly (spelling) looking
for her and couldn't find her . .I looked everywhere . .I know my cat,
I've had her for 13 years. I thought that since he was drinking that
maybe his judgement was off and maybe he let her outside by mistake.'
My cats are indoors. .I live right by the road. . .so in my attempt to find
my black cat to no avail anywhere in the house, I came back upstairs
(axbf is in bed) I asked him 'when's the last time you saw InkyDink?"
he said 'she's got to be around here somewhere, she was upstairs
before I went down the cellar door, I did NOT let her out. I swear
to God I looked everywhere . . .I even looked under the bed. . Please
hear me out? . I was NOT mad at him, just asking him "where did you see her
last" and I told him "I can't find her". . .I kept looking and he flipped
out and said "Shake her friskie bag" . . .she still didn't come. .. .I started
looking outside in the snow for tracks . . . . He flipped out, got dressed
went outside looking for cat prints in snow and at one point almost
slammed the front storm door in my face going outside to look for her
and almost hit me in the face (the door) and he went back inside
and looked under the bed and said "{SEE there she is") . . he got his
clothes on and stormed out to his truck. . i said "where are you going?"
he said "HOME" . . .I said "I'm not mad at you, I was just paranoid
that my cat might have gotten out . . . (plus WHY am I going to trust
HIS judgement when in the past he has told me a million times, he doesn't
listen or pay attention when he drinks . so when my cat is missing
(he's drinking) why would I trust HIS judgement? . . .. he was offended
becuase I didn't believe him and flipped and got in his truck to go home.
I told him I wasn't mad at him and never said anything but "I can't find her"
so somebody tell me "What did I do wrong?" . . .Am I supposed to trust
his stupid judgment after drinking? I don't know how much he had, I wasn't
there . . . .Shouldn't he have just said "oh I didn't mean to worry you,
I found your cat, goodnite? . .something? . .but freak out and go Home?
LIke WHAT? This is 100% childish and immature to handle this whole
situation like this .. .he was mad becuaes I didn't trust his judgment,
well, he's an alcoholic ( not daily) but was I right and not trusting
his judgment under the influence? . . .like I don't understand why he
freaked, I was only concerend about my cat . . I expressed no anger
towards him ever. ..What is going on? I feel like I'm always
"starting things with him". . . ..any opinions would HELP!
sorry this is long, he still tells me I talk too much and go too much
into detail, etc . . . but I detached from him , but last nite was
about MY responsibility (my CAT)
any insight?
He's making ME feel bad for not trusting his judgement . ..IS IT ME?
Thanks
sorry so long
and he still wanted to hang out. . he's still been a jerk on and off even as friends. I have told him repeatedly that this is going nowhere and we are
not compatable. . .He did admit back in Sept to being abusive and as a softy
I allowed him to still come over (as friends) . .
well last nite he went to darts I said I didn't feel good so I told him, come
over after if you want. So he came home relatively early and I'm trying
to quit smoking as of yesterday . . so I told him if he wants to smoke,
please go in the basement. .. . He was only here maybe 10 minutes in bed
and said (yes I allow him to hug and whatever but that's it), .. he has
to go to the bathroom. . . so instead of using the bathroom down the hall
I hear him going downstairs and what he DID Was he went into the basement
to smoke and then outside the basement door to go pee. whatever. .but
I have 2 cats that sit by the door to the basement and run down there
60 miles an hour, and when he came upstairs .. .my black cat follows me
everywhere and never leaves my side . .either she's on the bed or on the
floor in the hallway and after he came upstairs . . I didn't see my cat for
5 whole minutes (which is not like her) He didn't have that much to drink
(he's had more) and I got scared and jumped up frantickly (spelling) looking
for her and couldn't find her . .I looked everywhere . .I know my cat,
I've had her for 13 years. I thought that since he was drinking that
maybe his judgement was off and maybe he let her outside by mistake.'
My cats are indoors. .I live right by the road. . .so in my attempt to find
my black cat to no avail anywhere in the house, I came back upstairs
(axbf is in bed) I asked him 'when's the last time you saw InkyDink?"
he said 'she's got to be around here somewhere, she was upstairs
before I went down the cellar door, I did NOT let her out. I swear
to God I looked everywhere . . .I even looked under the bed. . Please
hear me out? . I was NOT mad at him, just asking him "where did you see her
last" and I told him "I can't find her". . .I kept looking and he flipped
out and said "Shake her friskie bag" . . .she still didn't come. .. .I started
looking outside in the snow for tracks . . . . He flipped out, got dressed
went outside looking for cat prints in snow and at one point almost
slammed the front storm door in my face going outside to look for her
and almost hit me in the face (the door) and he went back inside
and looked under the bed and said "{SEE there she is") . . he got his
clothes on and stormed out to his truck. . i said "where are you going?"
he said "HOME" . . .I said "I'm not mad at you, I was just paranoid
that my cat might have gotten out . . . (plus WHY am I going to trust
HIS judgement when in the past he has told me a million times, he doesn't
listen or pay attention when he drinks . so when my cat is missing
(he's drinking) why would I trust HIS judgement? . . .. he was offended
becuase I didn't believe him and flipped and got in his truck to go home.
I told him I wasn't mad at him and never said anything but "I can't find her"
so somebody tell me "What did I do wrong?" . . .Am I supposed to trust
his stupid judgment after drinking? I don't know how much he had, I wasn't
there . . . .Shouldn't he have just said "oh I didn't mean to worry you,
I found your cat, goodnite? . .something? . .but freak out and go Home?
LIke WHAT? This is 100% childish and immature to handle this whole
situation like this .. .he was mad becuaes I didn't trust his judgment,
well, he's an alcoholic ( not daily) but was I right and not trusting
his judgment under the influence? . . .like I don't understand why he
freaked, I was only concerend about my cat . . I expressed no anger
towards him ever. ..What is going on? I feel like I'm always
"starting things with him". . . ..any opinions would HELP!
sorry this is long, he still tells me I talk too much and go too much
into detail, etc . . . but I detached from him , but last nite was
about MY responsibility (my CAT)
any insight?
He's making ME feel bad for not trusting his judgement . ..IS IT ME?
Thanks
sorry so long
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
You are dealing with a person in active addiction! There is no rhymm or reason to their actions! You are a normal person, and as such, you would expect other people to act the same. They just don't sweetie, and they will play the habitual victim as long as they are allowed to. You can't (and won't) be able to figure them out, EVER, as long as they are using. I understand your frustration, but I think to myself "why would I expect him to act in a normal, rational manner when he is using?" Do I set my expectations to high, or are they unrealistic? That's what I have to look at, because it always come back to me, and why did I accept unacceptable behavior?
The longer I stick around here, the more I realize it's more about me now then him, because as long as I focus on him, I don't have to focus on me. He's doing what he's always done, no surprises there. How long do you want to do this, because the choice is yours, and always has been. Embrace your power, own it, breath it, live it. It belongs to you, and he can't take anything you don't willingly give to him.
Cyberhugs to you!
The longer I stick around here, the more I realize it's more about me now then him, because as long as I focus on him, I don't have to focus on me. He's doing what he's always done, no surprises there. How long do you want to do this, because the choice is yours, and always has been. Embrace your power, own it, breath it, live it. It belongs to you, and he can't take anything you don't willingly give to him.
Cyberhugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi Deb,
I agree with Harley. Alcoholics
a) don't think they have a problem, so the whole idea of not trusting him because he's an ALCOHOLIC and has done this before is something he doesn't get.
b) are self absorbed, ego maniacal and love to play the victim. NOBODY is more important than he is. He's just like a 2 year old and thinks the world should revolve around him.
There's no logic to it. Don't be surprised if NOTHING he does makes any sense.
I love what Harley said about your power. You have the power to tell him not to come over. You have the right to freak out about your beloved kitty-best-friend being lost.
Focus on you, Deb. If you don't already, go to Al-Anon and/or counseling. Learn your boundaries, the things that are important to you, and how to be healthy and full of joy, with or without this dude being in your life in whatever capacity. Be good to YOU. YOU deserve it!
HUGS!
Tigger
I agree with Harley. Alcoholics
a) don't think they have a problem, so the whole idea of not trusting him because he's an ALCOHOLIC and has done this before is something he doesn't get.
b) are self absorbed, ego maniacal and love to play the victim. NOBODY is more important than he is. He's just like a 2 year old and thinks the world should revolve around him.
There's no logic to it. Don't be surprised if NOTHING he does makes any sense.
I love what Harley said about your power. You have the power to tell him not to come over. You have the right to freak out about your beloved kitty-best-friend being lost.
Focus on you, Deb. If you don't already, go to Al-Anon and/or counseling. Learn your boundaries, the things that are important to you, and how to be healthy and full of joy, with or without this dude being in your life in whatever capacity. Be good to YOU. YOU deserve it!
HUGS!
Tigger
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