need some support. I'm mourning the dream.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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need some support. I'm mourning the dream.
I'm mourning the fantasy today that he was a great guy, just quirky, and that he loved me and our kids most of all. That he was brilliant and talented in his field and that he would make a great income because he could really hone in and make sense of complicated issues.
What I have learned (over the last 15 years and specifically within the last two) is different. He even stopped claiming to love me. Said I was just an annoying ball and chain. Told the counselor and me that he was only in it for the kids. Chose to go out "hunting" (aka drinking) multiple evenings per week, and never cared about my plans or my desire for his company (which waned in the last 2 years - considerably). He screamed at me in front of the kids. Said that his impotence was a direct result of my being overweight. That my job wasn't a "real job" and that I needed to contribute more to the household finances because all the running around and planning and orchestrating care I give 3 kids doesn't count - it's about the dollars. And that was why he could sit on his a$$ every night while I did laundry and dishes and childcare. None of his friends liked me because everyone knew how annoying and controlling I am.
And then said dollars stopped coming in. And we went deeply into debt. And he began pitting our children against each other and against me. He wasn't happy unless there was chaos and fighting and noise in our house. And then he left me and 3 kids in Florida while on vacation because he didn't like what I had said to him: "If you are going to act like this to me, I wish you had not come." Just left us. Told me he had wanted a divorce for the last 6 months because we do not connect. And he was leaving.
And my family (parents, brother, SIL) with their mouths agape at his sudden departure. And me telling the kids that "Daddy got sick and had to go home". And him yelling at me for 30 minutes in front of the psychologist that I am so f-ing unattractive to him and he f-ing hates me and the kids want to live with him and "frankly, I am disappointed that you haven't shown more style during this divorce."
And his mom having to give him money to pay his bills because
the stress of the divorce "has ruined his practice."
My first paragraph is so clearly a fantasy. the reality is intolerable.
But children's programs at church really set me off, and we had one last night.
Please, dear SR family, talk me down.
What I have learned (over the last 15 years and specifically within the last two) is different. He even stopped claiming to love me. Said I was just an annoying ball and chain. Told the counselor and me that he was only in it for the kids. Chose to go out "hunting" (aka drinking) multiple evenings per week, and never cared about my plans or my desire for his company (which waned in the last 2 years - considerably). He screamed at me in front of the kids. Said that his impotence was a direct result of my being overweight. That my job wasn't a "real job" and that I needed to contribute more to the household finances because all the running around and planning and orchestrating care I give 3 kids doesn't count - it's about the dollars. And that was why he could sit on his a$$ every night while I did laundry and dishes and childcare. None of his friends liked me because everyone knew how annoying and controlling I am.
And then said dollars stopped coming in. And we went deeply into debt. And he began pitting our children against each other and against me. He wasn't happy unless there was chaos and fighting and noise in our house. And then he left me and 3 kids in Florida while on vacation because he didn't like what I had said to him: "If you are going to act like this to me, I wish you had not come." Just left us. Told me he had wanted a divorce for the last 6 months because we do not connect. And he was leaving.
And my family (parents, brother, SIL) with their mouths agape at his sudden departure. And me telling the kids that "Daddy got sick and had to go home". And him yelling at me for 30 minutes in front of the psychologist that I am so f-ing unattractive to him and he f-ing hates me and the kids want to live with him and "frankly, I am disappointed that you haven't shown more style during this divorce."
And his mom having to give him money to pay his bills because
the stress of the divorce "has ruined his practice."
My first paragraph is so clearly a fantasy. the reality is intolerable.
But children's programs at church really set me off, and we had one last night.
Please, dear SR family, talk me down.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
When I was going through a period (of several months) when the fantasies were beating down my door, I found that individual counseling was far, far more helpful than couples counseling ever would have been.
Because what I needed was a new fantasy, not to keep clinging to the old one.
I won't bore you with what I eventually came up with, but I can tell you that it involved living a joyful life where I felt accepted, loved, and needed by my family; I was free of the stress of someone else's abuse; I lived my days the way *I* wanted, lost weight if I felt like it (didn't if I didn't), and found ways to feel attractive and positive; I had more than enough money, peace, fulfilling work, friends; etc.
Barbara Sher's Designing Your Ideal Day exercise (google it) - and my counselor - helped me to craft it. And you know what? "He" lost all his power over me. I stopped trying to make him into something he could never be, and probably never was.
It's a journey, stella, but you can do it. Limiting your contact as much as possible with this pitiful, abusive person is a good start. Working with your own coach or counselor to plan and craft a new life that's based on reality is a good plan.
You do not need him to be happy. In fact, the fantasy is what's keeping you unhappy.
If you didn't have it, don't you think you would've kicked such a nasty, abusive person to the curb a long time ago?
Burn it and start your own. I think you'll like the new one much better :ghug3
Because what I needed was a new fantasy, not to keep clinging to the old one.
I won't bore you with what I eventually came up with, but I can tell you that it involved living a joyful life where I felt accepted, loved, and needed by my family; I was free of the stress of someone else's abuse; I lived my days the way *I* wanted, lost weight if I felt like it (didn't if I didn't), and found ways to feel attractive and positive; I had more than enough money, peace, fulfilling work, friends; etc.
Barbara Sher's Designing Your Ideal Day exercise (google it) - and my counselor - helped me to craft it. And you know what? "He" lost all his power over me. I stopped trying to make him into something he could never be, and probably never was.
It's a journey, stella, but you can do it. Limiting your contact as much as possible with this pitiful, abusive person is a good start. Working with your own coach or counselor to plan and craft a new life that's based on reality is a good plan.
You do not need him to be happy. In fact, the fantasy is what's keeping you unhappy.
If you didn't have it, don't you think you would've kicked such a nasty, abusive person to the curb a long time ago?
Burn it and start your own. I think you'll like the new one much better :ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Thank you, Ladies. It has been 4 full months since we separated. I do fine most of the time, but I trigger when I am around him. In general, we have NC, but he did come to the children's show last night, and being around him - even in the same location, but not near each other - triggers me into wishing things were different.
But things could only be different if he was somebody else entirely.
I am focusing on me. I am enjoying my kids. I exercise more; I walk the dogs; I am about to get another dog; I work; I am putting new shutters on the front of the house; I have started blogging (just yesterday, so only have one entry!); I see friends and go to parties all the time; I have 2 trips to plan...really, life is so good without him in it. So much better. Indescribably better.
So why do I spend my energy wishing things could be different when I KNOW that this is better for me and the children? And when I know that WISHING for different is so futile?
Thank you so much for your indulgence of me.
But things could only be different if he was somebody else entirely.
I am focusing on me. I am enjoying my kids. I exercise more; I walk the dogs; I am about to get another dog; I work; I am putting new shutters on the front of the house; I have started blogging (just yesterday, so only have one entry!); I see friends and go to parties all the time; I have 2 trips to plan...really, life is so good without him in it. So much better. Indescribably better.
So why do I spend my energy wishing things could be different when I KNOW that this is better for me and the children? And when I know that WISHING for different is so futile?
Thank you so much for your indulgence of me.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Our minds sometimes (most times) take the path of least resistance, stella. The quickest way to your dream life -- in your mind's viewpoint -- is if he would just change into the person you wanted him to be, and voila! Instant happiness without all this work and doubt! 
Sometimes I just have to step back and let that part of my mind have it's little attack, while the rest of me walks past it and gets on with the joyful journey of building a great life. It'll keep howling in its room while I make your travel plans, get healthy, build my happiness.
Give it a couple of days, redouble your efforts to treat yourself well. This too shall pass.
Sometimes I just have to step back and let that part of my mind have it's little attack, while the rest of me walks past it and gets on with the joyful journey of building a great life. It'll keep howling in its room while I make your travel plans, get healthy, build my happiness.
Give it a couple of days, redouble your efforts to treat yourself well. This too shall pass.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Hugs-- even though the dream is still with you, it sounds like you're well on your way to having a great life on your own. Instead of thinking of it as wasting energy holding onto what might have been, allow yourself to grieve (the harder you try not to think about something, the more impossible it is to get it out of your head!) The illusion will lose its strength over time.
GiveLove's approach works: I still get triggered around my ex husband; but I also know that my life now is much better than the one I would have had if we were still together. So I let that part of me grieve for as long as it needs to, and don't let it interfere with the rest of my life-- which is very good.
GiveLove's approach works: I still get triggered around my ex husband; but I also know that my life now is much better than the one I would have had if we were still together. So I let that part of me grieve for as long as it needs to, and don't let it interfere with the rest of my life-- which is very good.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
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Reading this thread reminded me of a book that I read years ago because of something that happened to a family member. The book is called Chronic Sorrow: A Living Loss (by Susan Roos).
The book is written for professionals, not normal people like us, but I slogged through it because my psychologist insisted. After reading it, I understood why.
The idea of "Chronic Sorrow" was first put forward to explain the sense of loss that parents feel when they have a child that is disabled. She describes it as a living loss... every day you are confronted with the fact that the dreams you had for your unborn child will not be realized. Every day you are confronted with a death what she describes as your "imagined future." I remember very clearly one thing that she wrote, "To lose a child is horrific. To lose a child who still lives is unimaginable."
In a way, all of us who have been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic or an addict has experienced this type of living loss. Our "imagined future" is lost. Our hopes and dreams of the live we were going to build are gone.
Roos and other maintain that for those living with chronic sorrow, there is no closure in the same what that a death provides. There are living reminders of the one we lost... but who still lives.
While we are with the non-recovered addict, our wounds never are given the chance to heal. Every time a scab forms, it gets picked off. Over time, the wound may become infected. And for the codies among us, we are often the ones picking off the scab.
The path forward requires us to do two things. First, we have to stop picking at the scab... and putting ourselves in situations where we want to pick at the scab. For me, this has been going non-contact to the greatest expense possible. Every time I have contact with my xAGF, I end up pick off the scab. Second, we have to create a new "imagined future" to replace the one we have lost. Instead of thinking about what might have been, we need to think about what can be.
All of us had a dream as we entered the relationship. Over time, the dream was destroyed. For those that are in a relationship with an active addict, the chronic sorrow is almost certain a constant companion. For those who have left the relationship, we have the opportunity to transition from Chronic Sorrow to normal sorrow, truly grieve our loss, and move on.
Everyone experiences this differently, but I found the entire concept to be helpful.
The book is written for professionals, not normal people like us, but I slogged through it because my psychologist insisted. After reading it, I understood why.
The idea of "Chronic Sorrow" was first put forward to explain the sense of loss that parents feel when they have a child that is disabled. She describes it as a living loss... every day you are confronted with the fact that the dreams you had for your unborn child will not be realized. Every day you are confronted with a death what she describes as your "imagined future." I remember very clearly one thing that she wrote, "To lose a child is horrific. To lose a child who still lives is unimaginable."
In a way, all of us who have been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic or an addict has experienced this type of living loss. Our "imagined future" is lost. Our hopes and dreams of the live we were going to build are gone.
Roos and other maintain that for those living with chronic sorrow, there is no closure in the same what that a death provides. There are living reminders of the one we lost... but who still lives.
While we are with the non-recovered addict, our wounds never are given the chance to heal. Every time a scab forms, it gets picked off. Over time, the wound may become infected. And for the codies among us, we are often the ones picking off the scab.
The path forward requires us to do two things. First, we have to stop picking at the scab... and putting ourselves in situations where we want to pick at the scab. For me, this has been going non-contact to the greatest expense possible. Every time I have contact with my xAGF, I end up pick off the scab. Second, we have to create a new "imagined future" to replace the one we have lost. Instead of thinking about what might have been, we need to think about what can be.
All of us had a dream as we entered the relationship. Over time, the dream was destroyed. For those that are in a relationship with an active addict, the chronic sorrow is almost certain a constant companion. For those who have left the relationship, we have the opportunity to transition from Chronic Sorrow to normal sorrow, truly grieve our loss, and move on.
Everyone experiences this differently, but I found the entire concept to be helpful.
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