Plz...help
 

We had a lot of snow and had to call the AH to help w/ baby. Then ended up not being able to make it to work....and well when i got back it was bad.
He was already making ridiculous comments before I left. Then he got angry...I'm not even exactly sure why. He grabbed me by the arm and then was trying to take my computer I was trying to send my lessonp lans for school. I was not "engagin" in his BS....so this made him angrier. I asked him to plz leave and he started half laughing saying he wasn't leaving etc. I still didn't engage and just asked him to leave. I was trying to walk away...I went my bedroom, and he followed me. I had my daugther and we were standing next to the bed. He closed the door and put a chair in front of it and walked over to me and was yelling at me in the corner. I said I was not doing this and I was not talking to him. So I turned away, then sat down with my daughter...he kept saying that he needs help, please go. It was horrible, and he keep saying he wasn't laveing, I could call the copys, my parents etc.....he wasn't leaving...his name is not on my house, so yes I could have called the cops etc. He finally started to leave, then came back in crying acting like he was going to do something stupid. He came back in crying and wanted to kiss his daughter or something....I'm not sure...left saying taking care of her....then called crying telling me to take care of her and tell her he loves her etc...and hung up. I called his sister and told he I was worried about him and didn't know what to do. She tried to call..he just got upset....and called me yelling at me now to call his family - then yelling at me calling me names, til I couldn't take anymore. Here I seriously thought he was going to do something stupid.....was it all a game?? What was his purpose?? I am hurt and confused....I was trying the no contact, but due to the weather had nochoice.....plz tell me what is his goal....to regain control, to try to inflict his pain on me what????????/

:o(
 

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that happened. I'm pretty new here and I don't want to say the wrong thing or give the wrong advice.
But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and your daughter!

((hugs))

This is abuse, pure and simple. You cannot rely on him - you are only endangering yourself and your daughter. Please read these stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html and get in touch with your local Domestic Violence place. I found that when I tried to detach etc, it just cause STBXAH to ramp up the level of abuse. It wasn't appropriate in my situation and it sounds like it it isn't in your's too. I was oblivious to the danger I was placing myself in. Please get f2f help before it gets any worse! (((hugs)))

His aim is to regain control, and to bring you back online as his enabler.

And since it is only damaging you and your children to see these scenes (I am still damaged by things exactly like this which happened when I was small), with all respect and love, I suggest that you find another support system, even if you have to pay for it. Get a AAA card to help you with your car, a reliable local babysitter to help you with kid emergencies, and other support that does not involve him. It seems the most natural thing in the world to ask him for help when you need it, but that is akin to leaving a wolf minding your kids for you.

What he did was illegal. The next time you may get hurt or worse. When controlling personalities feel they're losing everything, they get extremely unpredictable and sometimes dangerous.

There is nothing confusing about this, mxh -- he doesn't like what's happening and he is willing to hurt you to get what he wants.

If you let him.

I hope you won't. You've been making great progress lately and I hope you'll continue to make those small steps forward by eliminating your reliance on him and reducing contact.

Hugs,
GL

I'm with GL. he is scary and getting scarier.

Ah yes, the crying and hints of suicide. Such drama! They are a bottomless pit of ways to pull our heartstrings.

You are lucky things did not escalate last night. Please, keep yourself and your daughter safe from this man. I agree that you should contact a domestic violence shelter, and if he comes back, please call the police.

And if I call a hotline what are they going to do? How is that going to help me? I am not trying to be difficult just wondering what kind of help they can offer.....never thought I would be in this situation.

They can provide a safe place for you and your daughter and they can give you information on what to do in these situations. No one wants to believe that the man they married is capable of physically harming them, but you yourself said that he was not being rational. Grabbing your arm, screaming in your face and putting a chair in front of the bedroom door are not rational acts. Please, for the sake of your daughter, call the hotline and talk to them.

I often get calls from women such as yourself. I'm hoping that an experienced voice on the other end of the line can help you understand that you are in REAL danger. You don't seem to be taking it seriously from us here at SR.

They will first talk to you about your situation to assess whether there is a threat of violence. They will teach you some safety planning. They will give you numbers for local shelters so that you can call and tell them your story and get your name in their system. That way if you call and say "HELP!!!!" they already have your information and know you are serious about needed shelter (if it comes to that). They can provide a safe place for you and your daughter while you take time to assess what you need... a protective order? ....a lawyer? .... counseling? .... the police? ....transportation? ....day care? Your safety is #1 on their list of priorities. However, the bottom line is that it is your decision whether you stay or go, but at least PLEASE be prepared and be aware of your options. Study and practice a good safety plan.

Safety plan
 

Safety Planning National Domestic Violence Hotline


Personal Safety with an Abuser

• Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs.
• Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving.
• Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
• Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.
• If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target; dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.
• If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know the phone number to your local battered women’s shelter. Don’t be afraid to call the police.
• Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.
• Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.
• Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.
• Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
• Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
• Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.
• Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked — for a quick escape.
• Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.
• Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
• Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive understanding ear.
  
  Getting Ready to Leave
• Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
• Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you.
• If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
• Contact your local battered women’s shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
• Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible.
• Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.
• Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.

General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

• You may request a police stand-by or escort while you leave.
• If you need to sneak away, be prepared.
• Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
• Plan for a quick escape.
• Put aside emergency money as you can.
• Hide an extra set of car keys.
• Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor’s house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
• Take with you important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc., as well as other important items, including:
• Driver’s license
• Regularly needed medication
• Credit cards or a list of credit cards you hold yourself or jointly
• Pay stubs
• Checkbooks and information about bank accounts and other assets
• If time is available, also take:
• Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
• Titles, deeds and other property information
• Medical records
• Children’s school and immunization records
• Insurance information
• Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will and other legal documents
• Verification of social security numbers
• Welfare identification
• Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
• You may also create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave phone numbers on record.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If getting a restraining order and the offender is leaving:

• Change your locks and phone number.
• Change your work hours and route taken to work.
• Change the route taken to transport children to school.
• Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
• Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
• Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
• Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

If you leave:

• Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail.
• Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports.
• Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
• Change your work hours, if possible.
• Alert school authorities of the situation.
• Consider changing your children’s schools.
• Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.
• Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
• Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
• Talk to trusted people about the violence.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.
• Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
• Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
• Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
• Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Honey, I guess you are still upset and confused by the actions of a sick, scared, unstable and DANGEROUS man, BUT you need to take action to safeguard yourself and your daughter NOW. Waiting until he really goes of his head is leaving it too late.

Get on to that hotline, get all the information on what to do AND DO IT.
His mindset and feelings are no way as important as you and your helpless child's safety, so stop considering his problems first and handle the ones he dumps on you.

Please heed the advice from the previous posts, as we are scared for you because we care and have got 1st hand experience of A's who try anything to keep what they believe they are losing.

God bless

please pay attention to all this sound advice. i moved too slowly. i couldn't quite accept that mine was an abuser, despite all the good advice i was given here at SR.

i waited too long. please don't do the same.

I was also reluctant, then things got way out of hand suddenly and very much to my surprise over something I didn't expect to be that big of a deal. I could have been killed, was lucky, beyond lucky to escape.
It is hard to accept, as they mush our brains and self-esteem about so...but the domestic violence counseling I received was and is invaluable to me. Please call, what harm can a phone call do? And it takes so little time.

mentally...please call the hotline. It costs you nothing. You have everything to gain from just *talking* to someone there.

I called the hotline in my area while I was at work. I locked myself in a conference room and just talked with one of the counsellors there. She listened to me, took notes, told me I was right to have called them, and referred me to three local shelters. She also gave me the names of lawyers in my area who could help me get a temporary order of protection so I could get custody of my daughter. She suggested things to do if the situation got out of hand...It was really great just to talk to someone who didn't think that "It's not that bad" because I hadn't been beaten to a pulp.

Please keep us updated. We're worried for you!

I am sending you good vibes at this difficult time ((hugs))

Mentallyexh
Please listen to these people when they say to get some help. My experience is very fresh in my mind. Believe me I never thought it would go that far. It was very scary and I was lucky to not get seriously injured.

In my case he was ready to bond out when I called the domestic violence people. Let me tell you they were like getting a big hug!! Then led me through the necessary processes to get a protective order and even went to court with me. They furnished me with an attorney as well.
And they understand!!

Hi,
Oh I so remember this happening to me with an X. ... . this is what it's called, you set boundaries and aren't "reacting" to him or being codependent anymore, so therefore
you are displaying that YOU are in control which means that he can't play on your emotions nor can he toy with your head. He's pulling string with trying to play on your
sympathy becuase it was his last straw. . . .my x did the same thing . . .he even
slit his wrists in front of me but I was too shocked to see that he slit in the wrong
direction. I so can identify with "is this playing or should I take this serious?"
Please, do NOT beat yourself up, anybody would , when anybody threatens
any kind of bodily harm, it should be taken serious . . if you didn't make any calls
and something did happen, then you would be tempted to beat yourself up, most
definitely . . . .whether it's a game or not is not to determined when You "sense in your
gut" a REAL threat. .. . .when someone cannot play with your head or intimidate
you anymore , they go to major extremes and what you went through is not
a reflection on You or your reactions . . .it's all about THEM . . you did everything
smooth and with a sound mind . ..Congratulations for your boundaries and
"not falling hook line and sinker for HIS behavior" . ..that you kept repeating
yourself to "leave" and not say anything more is the best way and simplest
way to "get your point across" . . no reacting, no reasoning, no arguing, ..
just simply say what you mean, mean what you say and you don't have
to be mean about it . . . . you did your part excellent . . hats off to you my friend.
You did your part well,, his reactions or lack of/were . .HIS business. ..you did
well taking care of you and baby.
I comment you highly . ..
You are extremely sensible under stress, ,. . . . takes MAJOR courage and strength ..
please see your strengths. When you don't "play the game, that DEFINITELY gets
their attention" . . . .been there done that .
Debs

PLEASE please take care of yourself and your baby. Take the advice of the people above and seek help. You can never be completely sure when it comes to them. They can snap...you see it every day on the news.

Please don't become a statistic...seek help for yourself and your child!! Although we don't "know" you in the normal sense...we all are connected...in a very unique way. We are a "family" of people who's lives have been dramatically affected by someone's drinking.

We care...seek help!

MEH - it's quite obvious that there is a lot of concern and experience here.

A very similar thing happened to me at the beginning of November. It was through the advice of the amazing people on this forum that I left in a big hurry one Sunday afternoon, and had the support of a forum person on the phone with me as I left (thank you, Dear). Because I hadn't prepared myself, I had to go through a bunch of unnecessary things to get my "stuff".

My experience wasn't quite as threatening physically as yours, but the potential for violence was absolutely there, as it is for you. I stayed in a DV shelter for a couple of weeks, then with a friend for a couple more before I got an Order of Protection and moved back to my house.

I urge you not only to prepare to leave in a hurry, but to arm yourself as best you can. This man is terribly unstable, and you and your daughter are potentially in GREAT DANGER; anything from being hit to being killed. Please take this seriously. And please stop worrying about him, and start making sure YOU are SAFE.

If you'd like to talk to a real voice, please PM me and I'll give you my phone number.

I'm afraid for you. Please call the DV hotline and/or somebody on SR. PLEASE!

-Tigger