Why am I so obsessed?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Why am I so obsessed?
Every time I think I'm doing OK and getting on with my own thing, I just slip right back to mad obsessive woman. If I text or call him and get no reply, I can't stop staring at my phone and worrying until I do hear from him! It sounds crazy, and it is. Why can't I stop obsessing constantly about where he is and what he is doing? It's like nothing else matters until I've heard from him. It is driving me mad, and annoying him too. He isn't drinking as much these days but he does hide it from me, and he hides it when he is spending time with his no-good mates - this makes me so angry.
I've read the Codep no more book and am reading the new codependency book too, and am trying to sort myself out, but I'm still doing these obsessive things and I just don't know how to stop. Any words of wisdom? Please!!
I've read the Codep no more book and am reading the new codependency book too, and am trying to sort myself out, but I'm still doing these obsessive things and I just don't know how to stop. Any words of wisdom? Please!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
Every time I think I'm doing OK and getting on with my own thing, I just slip right back to mad obsessive woman. If I text or call him and get no reply, I can't stop staring at my phone and worrying until I do hear from him! It sounds crazy, and it is. Why can't I stop obsessing constantly about where he is and what he is doing? It's like nothing else matters until I've heard from him. It is driving me mad, and annoying him too. He isn't drinking as much these days but he does hide it from me, and he hides it when he is spending time with his no-good mates - this makes me so angry.
I've read the Codep no more book and am reading the new codependency book too, and am trying to sort myself out, but I'm still doing these obsessive things and I just don't know how to stop. Any words of wisdom? Please!!
I've read the Codep no more book and am reading the new codependency book too, and am trying to sort myself out, but I'm still doing these obsessive things and I just don't know how to stop. Any words of wisdom? Please!!
You are being lied to, lied about, and abused. That is why you are reacting like this - because you know that you do not deserve this treatment.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My therapist once said to me that the alcoholic was a "convenient distraction." That as long as I was obsessing over him, his behaviors, his decisions, his attitude, his problems, I didn't have to face my own. I certainly didn't like hearing that, but as it turns out, she was right. Facing myself has been the hardest, and most rewarding thing I have ever done.
Do you attend Alanon? Do you have a therapist?
L
Do you attend Alanon? Do you have a therapist?
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Thanks, i do have a few other problems of my own which i am trying to fix and work through, so i can see that he is a distraction from those. I have seen a counsellor a few times but this is really only someone to talk to - it isn't specifically for my problems. It just feels good to tell someone about the situation, although i don't talk about everythign and how much he has hurt me with his behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh Iwantcontrol...
I could have written your statement myself! I did ALL of the obsessing as well...it got me nowhere but heartache.
The only way for me that has helped me get over the obsessing, is REALLY accepting that it is over between he and I. ( This may be hard because you are still involved ), but I had to accept that I had no control over his actions, I couldn't make him see how much I cared about him, and to stop trying offered the only peace of mind.
I got completely lost in him and his problems, and completely forgot about myself.
The obsessing stopped when I started to plan a future for myself that I knew didn't include him, my relocation, my return to college, my friends, my hobbies, just anything and everything that made me smile. I've also started to try and build more of a connection with a HP.
"You are being lied to, lied about, and abused. That is why you are reacting like this - because you know that you do not deserve this treatment"
Ives really hit it for me with this statement. I put so much focus on exactly that. The being lied to and lied about.....that is a really difficult thing to get past when you KNOW what the truth is.
The thing I have had to accept about that is that I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS. It's not my job to prove to him that I know or to anyone else. I just need to live my life.
It's been almost 5 full months since I have been in contact. It's still painful. I still cry, but it's becoming less and less. But I am SO grateful that I am here now, and not STILL tangled up in waiting for him to love me. That would never have happened.
It get's BETTER, I promise. When I would read that other people would write that, I knew it would get better for THEM, and eventually for me....but it's so hard to feel it when you're in the middle of it.
It really comes down to making the effort to STOP obsessing, to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation.
My sister is going through it right now...she keeps getting constantly dragged back by her alcoholic, drug addict ex fiance who cheated on her, got a girl pregnant, left her, and STILL calls her and abuses her emotionally....and the problem is SHE LETS HIM. She keeps hoping he will change. He won't. And he CONSTANTLY hurts her.
I told her when she is done being hurt, that's when she will really walk away and never look back.
I'm sorry you feel this way. I know it's just like a big black hole.... but there is a light. I've been sucked into the Food Network, so I have started cooking more to keep my mind on something else. FInd something you love, that's healthy and happy....and you will slowly but surely come out of this obsessive hole.
I could have written your statement myself! I did ALL of the obsessing as well...it got me nowhere but heartache.
The only way for me that has helped me get over the obsessing, is REALLY accepting that it is over between he and I. ( This may be hard because you are still involved ), but I had to accept that I had no control over his actions, I couldn't make him see how much I cared about him, and to stop trying offered the only peace of mind.
I got completely lost in him and his problems, and completely forgot about myself.
The obsessing stopped when I started to plan a future for myself that I knew didn't include him, my relocation, my return to college, my friends, my hobbies, just anything and everything that made me smile. I've also started to try and build more of a connection with a HP.
"You are being lied to, lied about, and abused. That is why you are reacting like this - because you know that you do not deserve this treatment"
Ives really hit it for me with this statement. I put so much focus on exactly that. The being lied to and lied about.....that is a really difficult thing to get past when you KNOW what the truth is.
The thing I have had to accept about that is that I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS. It's not my job to prove to him that I know or to anyone else. I just need to live my life.
It's been almost 5 full months since I have been in contact. It's still painful. I still cry, but it's becoming less and less. But I am SO grateful that I am here now, and not STILL tangled up in waiting for him to love me. That would never have happened.
It get's BETTER, I promise. When I would read that other people would write that, I knew it would get better for THEM, and eventually for me....but it's so hard to feel it when you're in the middle of it.
It really comes down to making the effort to STOP obsessing, to remove yourself from an unhealthy situation.
My sister is going through it right now...she keeps getting constantly dragged back by her alcoholic, drug addict ex fiance who cheated on her, got a girl pregnant, left her, and STILL calls her and abuses her emotionally....and the problem is SHE LETS HIM. She keeps hoping he will change. He won't. And he CONSTANTLY hurts her.
I told her when she is done being hurt, that's when she will really walk away and never look back.
I'm sorry you feel this way. I know it's just like a big black hole.... but there is a light. I've been sucked into the Food Network, so I have started cooking more to keep my mind on something else. FInd something you love, that's healthy and happy....and you will slowly but surely come out of this obsessive hole.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Kittyboo
I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS.
The truth will set us free.
I would feel so crazy in the past because he would deny the truth.
As I let go, I remind myself that I can trust myself/my Higher, Deeper Power and I Know What the Truth Is.
He can believe whatever he would like.
He can be B.S.ing me or himself or know his own Truth.
It's all good.
I Know What the Truth Is.
Ahhh, what peace comes with that.
When I get scared I will lose truth in my own denial again,
I remember that it can't be taken away.
I Know What the Truth is.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by anvilhead
it's tough but if we can begin to DEpersonalize THEIR actions, we do gain a newfound sense of balance and freedom. he drinks right? could go so far as to say he has a drinking PROBLEM? that interchange between him and booze has NOTHING to do with you. THAT he drinks is a complete stand alone issue. WE tend to take it personal. as if it is somehow our fault, our doing, something within our control. it is not.
what he does is, well, what he does - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you cannot control it. remind yourself of that, often.
what he does is, well, what he does - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you cannot control it. remind yourself of that, often.
I swear, reading how a lot of you ladies have been dealing with the same thing that I am dealing with, I am starting to think that it's a lot easier for a man to deal with this need to detach than it is for a woman. It must be something about a woman's innate drive to be a nurturer, caregiver, and supporter. For a guy, this is almost making me feel like she is giving me a get out of jail card free. I know that if I stay with her, it will be ****, but she seems to want to push me away. Wouldn't I be nuts to try and stop that? I think so. There's always another woman right around the corner. Preferably one with a job who actually respects herself.
I mean, I will be vilified by this woman no matter what I do, so why sacrifice myself in order to hopefully achieve a different result, which has about a chance of a snowball in hell of occurring.
In the meantime, I can provide and care for my daughter, and she (my girlfriend) can go on and keep ruining her own life, which is already in tatters. Hell, the only reason she isn't in an alleyway is because I pulled her out of her hell, cleaned her up and put her in rehab - AND gave her a chance at a real future, which she has now thrown away.
I know that this woman will attempt all manner of character assassination no matter what I do, so why bust my ass to achieve the same result? Based on her track record of being in rehab, living on skid row, and losing custody of her own son, versus mine of having a career, being a stand up citizen and no criminal record, who is going to believe her ******** anyway? She has no leg to stand on, and will only make herself look bad. Soon her son will likely be kicked out of school, how good is she going to look then?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Carmel, Indiana
Posts: 4
Thanks for the good advice. I am new to this and new to the acceptance that I have an AW. I just had a conversation with her this morning about her drinking and her hiding it. Drives me crazy that she can so blatantly lie to me about it-having been with her for 16 years (14 of which she was not an alcoholic) its so hard to accept and understand that i really can not trust most of what she says. Reminds me of Bill Clinton "I smoked but I didn't inhale"- sticking to her lies creates just that little twinge of doubt in my mind. Am I the one who is crazy here? Reading what you all said is very helpful- I don't need to prove to her that I am right and having the conversation with her is pointless. I am trying to accept that and trying to extinguish that bit of doubt and that bit of hope that she isn't an alcoholic. We have 3 kids and she is still very much a part of their lives (mine too when she is sober which is usually just during the day) so I am not sure I am ready to give up completely on the relationship. Would be awesome if she would just move out for a while (kind of complicated for me to move out with the kids and all) but she won't willingly do that and I am not ready yet to take legal actions. Thanks again for the sage advice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
I was worried about losing my AGF, whom I had been with for a bit over a year..... until I came here and it started to dawn on me......that I never had her to begin with. Not in the state that she is in, and perhaps I never will. But I'm starting to let go of that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello-
i relate very much to wanting the obsessive thinking to stop. upon reflection, i think i became obsessive-thinking (i.e. where is he, what is he doing, etc.) when the trust was broken between us.
prior to that, i wasn't bothered about where he was or what he was doing. i was doing my own thing and so was he. however, once he took a lover behind my back for 3 months and lied to me about it, i became kinda crazy.
it was then that i started worrying about where he was and for good reason. i thought i could put it behind me/us. but then he didn't want to talk it thru. he didn't want to deal with my feelings. so it really had nowhere to go and i became half crazy.
it wasn't until i let go 100% of him that some peace returned. once i let really let go, it didn't matter anymore what he was doing, who he was sleeping with, or how much he drank.
he has a new lover now and honestly, i am not bothered. because i really let go this time.
i relate very much to wanting the obsessive thinking to stop. upon reflection, i think i became obsessive-thinking (i.e. where is he, what is he doing, etc.) when the trust was broken between us.
prior to that, i wasn't bothered about where he was or what he was doing. i was doing my own thing and so was he. however, once he took a lover behind my back for 3 months and lied to me about it, i became kinda crazy.
it was then that i started worrying about where he was and for good reason. i thought i could put it behind me/us. but then he didn't want to talk it thru. he didn't want to deal with my feelings. so it really had nowhere to go and i became half crazy.
it wasn't until i let go 100% of him that some peace returned. once i let really let go, it didn't matter anymore what he was doing, who he was sleeping with, or how much he drank.
he has a new lover now and honestly, i am not bothered. because i really let go this time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 20
I really like what Ives posted as that is why I was so obsessive about my exABF - I was in fear of losing him. I was living in constant fear and I was trying to control and it was driving me nuts! But really what am I losing...nothing as I gained so much when I let go. My world was not going to fall apart because we did not work out. I am just fine. And like Ives said I did not have that man to begin with.
miyah
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Ives
I was worried about losing my AGF, whom I had been with for a bit over a year..... until I came here and it started to dawn on me......that I never had her to begin with. Not in the state that she is in, and perhaps I never will. But I'm starting to let go of that.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
part of it for me was that I had trained my brain to obsess about him over a loooonnnnngggg time. When I got to the point where I wanted to stop, it took time, with help, to retrain myself.
I know it is painful and hard, and it seems like you slip back, but it is a huge leap to get to the point where you want to stop the obsessing. It can be difficult to see our recent progress when we are in the thick of it, but you are on a track to a more peaceful existence, you are doing great and you will get there
I know it is painful and hard, and it seems like you slip back, but it is a huge leap to get to the point where you want to stop the obsessing. It can be difficult to see our recent progress when we are in the thick of it, but you are on a track to a more peaceful existence, you are doing great and you will get there
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
