JennyF

My boyfriend is 51 and an alcoholic. He is a binge drinker who can go for weeks without drinking but then consumes neat gin until he passes out for between 3 and 5 days. He attempts to control his alcoholism by living within strict rules – doesn’t drink whilst he is working, doesn’t drink and drive, only drinks on his own etc etc. He has a small pension and works as a life guard 3 or 4 days a week to supplement this. He has to stay fit as he has to undergo two hours training in the pool once a month to keep the job. He runs every other day and swims or does exercise on the other days. He loves cooking and eats well when he isn’t drinking. He moved back in with his mother last year because his drinking got out of control when he lived on his own. His mother was a binge alcoholic during a similar period in her life (also drank in isolation and shut herself off from the world whilst binging) and went into spontaneous recovery some years ago without assistance and hasn’t drunk for years. Whilst she doesn’t buy his alcohol she must enable him to some extent in that she provides a warm house and a place where he can drink.

He lives 250 miles away and I see him most weekends. He doesn’t drink around me and I won’t see him if he is drinking or within a week of a binge episode.

He acknowledges that he is an alcoholic and does say he wants to give up but I think he believes he can control it (which I guess is classic denial). He tries to lie about when he his drinking but of course this isn’t possible because he is incoherent and it is immediately obvious. He goes to AA once a week but says it is boring (!) so shows no sign of committing to a recovery programme.

He is a kind and generous person who is never abusive and I enjoy the time I spend with him. He is funny and good company. He is without doubt a people pleaser and acknowledges this is a problem. His life is narrower than it used to be and he has fewer interests because of his drinking. He was a dentist but left the profession 10 years ago because he hated it so much and has never really found anything to replace it. His descent into alcoholism started around the same time.

I have seen him during and just after a binge period and it isn't pleasant. He isn’t aggressive just pathetic. I will not see him or allow him into my home on such occasions.

Over the last six months I have walked away a couple of times mainly because of the lies about his drinking, the fact that I have had to cancel a few weekends because of the drinking and because I know that alcoholism is progressive. I have visited this site regularly over the last few months to educate myself as much as possible about his addiction and this has helped me enormously.

We would like to have a future together but both of us know this is unrealistic unless he seeks recovery.

I have a great job, my own house, am financially independent and have a wide circle of friends. I don’t need him in my life but I enjoy having him in my life. My friends and family know he is an alcoholic and are very supportive of me. They may well not agree with my decision to keep on seeing him but they don’t condone me for it.

I tried encouraging him to seek recovery, attend meetings and get help but quickly came to realise that it was a waste of time. I have now detached myself from the addiction and believe it is his responsibility. I see the drinking as his problem and know that I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it (something I learned from this site). I am a pretty tolerant person and have tried to separate the addict from the addiction whilst remaining non-judgemental. I have read Co-Dependent No More and am trying to detach with love as best I can.

I do love him and would like to see him get well. I am aware that I may well have to walk away in the future unless he seeks recovery but for now I want to enjoy the time we spend together.

I have tried to write the facts as objectively as I can in an attempt to try and understand why I’m not just running in the opposite direction – I’ve read avidly on this site and it seems that it always ends extremely badly.

I’m not looking for validation. I would just like to get some objective feedback from some of the more experienced posters who say it like it is. I’ve always valued people who shoot from the hip…




and is very fit, and chooses the times when he will drink so it doesn’t interfere with his job. He never goes into work drunk or drives whilst he is drunk. He acknowledges that he is an alcoholic and says he wants to give up. He goes to AA every so often but finds it boring (!). I don’t live with him and live some 250 miles away although I see him on a regular basis. He has never been abusive towards me, even when drunk

Bernadette

Hi JennyF--
Welcome!
b.

FindingPeace1

Hi, Jenny!
I am not "one of the more experienced posters", but I can tell you my AH was wonderful 95% of the time, but as I have started climbing out of my own denial, I have found a whole new side of him that I don't like at all.
I hear so many strengths in you and applaud you for them.
There are a lot of good things I get from my relationship with my AH that makes it hard to let go. I get that totally.

Welcome. Good luck. Stick around.

Hugs,
Wife

JennyF

Hi 'wife'

I have been reading some of your posts and I find them inspiring, particularly the ones about the retreat you went on. I try so hard to call myself on my own BS about the whole situation which is why I posted. Sometimes its really hard to know what the truth is when you are in the midst of it all. I'm thinking about attending another Al-Anon meeting to see if I'm in denial myself. I went to one a couple of months ago and it was truly dreadful - the only other attendees were newbies like me and we got 'told off' a couple of times for not observing the communication rules (we didn't actually know them). The lady who ran the group also continually referred to her partner as 'my alcoholic' and I found that really hard to swallow.

FindingPeace1

HAHA! I totally get it. There are no meetings for a couple hundred miles around where I live, but when I took a break from my AH I went to a number in CA. They were small, with a few newbies like myself and were run by awkward folk...
Needless to say, they weren't all I envisioned. Nonetheless, I have to believe there are other meetings out there that have the kind of wise, gentle, kind mentors we have on this board that can provide modeling and leadership to us.
My best fellowship has been here.
People don't talk about the steps too much here, but I have found doing them is very, very helpful for me. I just started them independently 'cuz I couldn't find a good group/sponsor.

If you ever want more info about the retreat, just send me a private message.

Here are some things I read from you about your SO:
* a binge drinker who passes out
* keeps fit, cooks and eats well
* child of an alcoholic enabled by mom
* knows he's an alcoholic, says he wants to stop, thinks he can control it (but taking no action and not changing?)
* he lies (common with alcoholics, and taking no action?)
* goes to AA but without commitment (is he working the steps?)
* kind, generous, funny, enjoyable (most alcoholics have a wonderful side)
* people pleaser and knows its a problem (but taking no action?)
* his life is narrower w/fewer interests (alcohol is progressive)
* left his career and never found anything else
* pathetic when binging (this one stings. I feel sorry for my husband sometimes because he is so wounded...but it feels very unbalanced to feel sorry for my partner that way)
* your friends disapprove

Those are things to reflect on.

With me, I don't want to let go because of the good things. My AH is a liberal, vegetarian, environmentalist, outdoor enthusiast - xc skiing, backpacking, hiking, camping, botanizing, hot springs finding, great with kids and animals, gentle, working in my field, shares my dreams of what life could be, active, clean, handsome, organized, task-doer, dish washer, laundry washer, Master's holder, smart, achieving man. Yum.
And...he's a bunch of yuck I have shared about in other places.
He's all of it.
I hate to lose the long, wonderful list of goodness.
But, I observe I accept the junk to get the goods.
Why would I accept the junk?
I waited so long to find all that great in one man.
I am afraid I won't be able to find someone as good.
I am afraid to be alone.
I am afraid he will go have a great, recovered life without me and I will have made the wrong choice.
I will lose the dream and possibilities therein. (Oh, that one is DEEP!)
So, I realize, I have it in my head I will accept a bunch of junk. Hmm. I am sure to get a bunch of junk if I let it in my door. Hmmm.

Hugs.
Wife

JennyF

Hi wife

I don't know how to copy from your post but your description of your husband hit a chord.

That's the bit I guess i don't get. How can you love walking, animals (he has a deaf dalmation that he cares for so much), skiing, good food, be so clean, sensible with money (he has investments that he is still adjusting to make the most of them), keep fit, do a job that he enjoys because he's looking out for others etc etc and yet not want to fight this terrible addiction that goes against everything he believes in?

He tries so hard not to lie to me - and shows me letters, schedules etc so that I can trust him. He works hard to demonstrate that it is only the drinking he is lying about - and I always call him on those lies anyway. Do I believe him? Well, for now I do because I have no proof otherwise. If he is lying it will come out in the end and then I will lose some of the respect I have for him and that has consequences.

This is where I'm working on me. To detach from the chaotic part of his life, to try and take one day at a time and if for that day he isn't drinking and life is good then for now that is enough. To find happiness in the good times and to walk away from the bad days and not make them part of my life. And most importantly not to obsess what he might be doing and to not think about when he might drink again. Because that isn't healthy for me.

I have set some other boundaries in place - like not speaking on the phone every night or texting too much because then I find myself listening for signs of drinking or worrying if he doesn't answer his phone. That was a good boundary as it helps me to stay focussed on my life and not on what's going on in his.

I feel so lucky that I don't live with him or near him because that makes it so much easier to detach from the addiction - which to me is horrific because of what alcohol does to the brain (I found reading Under the Influence a real eye-opener).

I am blessed in so many ways because I have two wonderful children who are both at University and who don't judge me for staying in a relationship with my boyfriend. My family have close friends who are recovered and active alcoholics and don't condemn me for seeing him (sorry in my first post I should have written don't condemn, not don't condone).

Your list at the end made me smile - all those things I know I secretly hope for - a life together with all the ups and downs that are part of life but an honest life where problems are shared openly and without fear of judgement. I don't judge him but he finds that difficult to accept because he's spent his life trying to please others in fear of judgement.

Sorry this is turning into an essay, I guess once the floodgates open its hard to stop. I do love this site though - I have learnt so much from others and it has been a real gift in helping me to learn more about enabling and detachment. I've got a long way to go in that learning process but I'm definitely in a better place than I was six months ago.

I like your idea about working on the steps. Maybe I will have another look at finding an Al-Anon group locally.

Thank you for your words.

Jenny

FindingPeace1

You're doing a great job.
For me, worrying over how is this possible doesn't get me anywhere. It IS.
Boy, is that the work, isn't it?
It IS the way it is.
He IS all the good and yuck.
He DOES lie.
He DOES withhold.
He DOES get snotty.
Whatever "it" is.
I can't change it.
I think it will take a long, long time to change that deep pattern in myself.
If I just...then I can change it.
The change would be better for them anyway, so its good to want to change them. I want to help them. I want to improve their life...on and on.
Ugh.
Letting go and allowing life to be what it is and me be in mystery that it is that way. It sure SEEMS if it was the way it should be in my head it would be better, but I give the universe over to my Higher, Deeper Power and TRUST that if it IS this way, it is MEANT to be this way in a way that doesn't make sense to me, but I don't need it to. Letting go. I work on it minute by minute!

Hugs

...oh yea, to copy, you'll see under my post a button that says "quote".
check out this link to learn more about the big book and steps: http://silkworth.net/freestuff.html or just read the big book: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
There is also a Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps by Melody Beattie, but I haven't checked it out. It probably is fabulous, since she is fabulous.

naive

hi jenny and welcome-

it really depends on what you want in a partner. right now, since he is 250 miles away, the alcohol binges don't affect you too much.

i suppose you could continue on indefinately.

as long as you don't live together, you might be able to maintain healthy boundaries.

as long as you don't go on long holidays together, it'll probably be alright.

as long as you don't mind watching his health deteriorate, it might work out.

as long as you believe that he only lies about drinking, perhaps you can trust him with your heart.

as long as you have other people you can rely on in emergencies, it might not matter if he is on a binge in your moment of need.

well, you get the gist.