My Father Needs Help - I don't know where to start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 4
My Father Needs Help - I don't know where to start
Hello Everyone,
I am new to the community and still learning the acronyms and vernacular of the board, so please forgive my post if it is not up to snuff. I need some help formulating strategies for helping my father with his alcoholism. I am really not sure where to start. I suppose some background is in order.
My father is 55 years old and has been a lifelong social drinker, but has spiraled out of control in the past 4 years. This has been a gradual process, but he has gotten to the point where he is now rapidly killing himself.
He is a "secretive" drinker. Each night he retires to the basement as he stopped sleeping with my mother 3 years ago. He then drinks himself in to a stupor. This happens EVERY night. Because of his alcoholism, he has become severely depressed, withdrawn (he has no friends any more as he simply stopped socializing), he is approximately 125 pounds overweight and has gout and sleep apnea that are getting worse by the day. He sleeps about 16 hours per day in 3 -5 hour periods. He cannot sleep lying down any more because he stops breathing and wakes up gasping for air. He pretends that he is not drinking and thinks that no one knows what he is doing, though my family has confronted him multiple times. He is only lying to himself.
He regularly makes comments about being ready to die and that he has lived a full life. I feel like he has given up on life. I have united my family and we are ready to take action. We finally convinced him to go see a doctor at the end of the month. Here are my hurdles to reaching him. This is what I need help with:
1) When anyone implied that his declining health is a symptom of his drinking, he either shuts down or becomes furious. He uses verbal intimidation to deflect.
2) He blames EVERYTHING on my mother and is emotionally abusive to her. If he falls down the steps while drunk, it is because my mother left the vacuum too close to the stairs. If he drops his drinking glass and it shatters, it is because my mother didn't have some other glass that he prefers clean and ready for him to drink out of. This extends beyond drinking. Everything that goes wrong in his life is my mother's fault... but she is also responsible for taking care of him. She pays the bills, schedules his doctor appointments (which he routinely cancels), cooks all of his food, cleans for him. etc. She is a self acknowledged enabler.
3) He is so withdrawn that he will not interact with anyone outside of the family - howard hughes style. He is in severe denial. Distrustful of outsiders. I cannot imagine him going to any meetings such as AA. When he does go out of the house, he tends to feel like people are judging him and is incredibly confrontational with strangers... unless he is at the bar. He hasn't been to a party in years and has extremely low self esteem.
4) He is in severe denial. If his gout keeps him off of his feet for weeks at a time, he claims that he twisted his ankle. If he falls asleep at the kitchen table eating breakfast for 4 hours, it is because he got a flu shot 2 weeks ago and flu shots make you drowsy. He has an excuse for everything, and I think that he truly believes his excuses.
5) He is mentally ready to die. Both of his parents died young, and I think he feels that he is living on borrowed time.
My mother's pleas for him to get help enrage him, but he did quit drinking for a month when my sister had a drop down - drag out fight with him a few years ago. He then proclaimed that because he quit for a month, that he didn't have a problem. This is when he began drinking more secretly. He will still socially drink publicly, but only a couple of drinks. Then when he goes in to the basement where he can hide his drinking, he will drink heavily.
He loves positive reinforcement from my mother, sister, and I... but also feels like we patronize him when he overuse this technique to encourage healthy habits.
I feel that I have the best chance of reaching him as he respects me greatly, but I live 500 miles away.
I suppose that is the basic run-down. Sorry for the long post. So what suggestions do you have for successful techniques to reach him? Thank you for your time and help.
I am new to the community and still learning the acronyms and vernacular of the board, so please forgive my post if it is not up to snuff. I need some help formulating strategies for helping my father with his alcoholism. I am really not sure where to start. I suppose some background is in order.
My father is 55 years old and has been a lifelong social drinker, but has spiraled out of control in the past 4 years. This has been a gradual process, but he has gotten to the point where he is now rapidly killing himself.
He is a "secretive" drinker. Each night he retires to the basement as he stopped sleeping with my mother 3 years ago. He then drinks himself in to a stupor. This happens EVERY night. Because of his alcoholism, he has become severely depressed, withdrawn (he has no friends any more as he simply stopped socializing), he is approximately 125 pounds overweight and has gout and sleep apnea that are getting worse by the day. He sleeps about 16 hours per day in 3 -5 hour periods. He cannot sleep lying down any more because he stops breathing and wakes up gasping for air. He pretends that he is not drinking and thinks that no one knows what he is doing, though my family has confronted him multiple times. He is only lying to himself.
He regularly makes comments about being ready to die and that he has lived a full life. I feel like he has given up on life. I have united my family and we are ready to take action. We finally convinced him to go see a doctor at the end of the month. Here are my hurdles to reaching him. This is what I need help with:
1) When anyone implied that his declining health is a symptom of his drinking, he either shuts down or becomes furious. He uses verbal intimidation to deflect.
2) He blames EVERYTHING on my mother and is emotionally abusive to her. If he falls down the steps while drunk, it is because my mother left the vacuum too close to the stairs. If he drops his drinking glass and it shatters, it is because my mother didn't have some other glass that he prefers clean and ready for him to drink out of. This extends beyond drinking. Everything that goes wrong in his life is my mother's fault... but she is also responsible for taking care of him. She pays the bills, schedules his doctor appointments (which he routinely cancels), cooks all of his food, cleans for him. etc. She is a self acknowledged enabler.
3) He is so withdrawn that he will not interact with anyone outside of the family - howard hughes style. He is in severe denial. Distrustful of outsiders. I cannot imagine him going to any meetings such as AA. When he does go out of the house, he tends to feel like people are judging him and is incredibly confrontational with strangers... unless he is at the bar. He hasn't been to a party in years and has extremely low self esteem.
4) He is in severe denial. If his gout keeps him off of his feet for weeks at a time, he claims that he twisted his ankle. If he falls asleep at the kitchen table eating breakfast for 4 hours, it is because he got a flu shot 2 weeks ago and flu shots make you drowsy. He has an excuse for everything, and I think that he truly believes his excuses.
5) He is mentally ready to die. Both of his parents died young, and I think he feels that he is living on borrowed time.
My mother's pleas for him to get help enrage him, but he did quit drinking for a month when my sister had a drop down - drag out fight with him a few years ago. He then proclaimed that because he quit for a month, that he didn't have a problem. This is when he began drinking more secretly. He will still socially drink publicly, but only a couple of drinks. Then when he goes in to the basement where he can hide his drinking, he will drink heavily.
He loves positive reinforcement from my mother, sister, and I... but also feels like we patronize him when he overuse this technique to encourage healthy habits.
I feel that I have the best chance of reaching him as he respects me greatly, but I live 500 miles away.
I suppose that is the basic run-down. Sorry for the long post. So what suggestions do you have for successful techniques to reach him? Thank you for your time and help.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful source of information and support for yourself. We share our strength, experience and hope 24/7.
I recommend the permanent posts at the top of this forum for wisdom and some of our experiences with loved ones drinking. There is a post that contains excerpts from a book "Under the Influence" that will help you and your family understand the stages of alcoholism. It sounds like your father is in advanced stages of alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive and does get worse.
Another source of information and support for you, your mother and sister are Alanon meetings. They are for friends and family members of alcoholics. I was married to an active alcoholic. One of the first things I learned at Alanon was the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not cause the alcoholism
I can not control the alcoholism
I will not cure the alcoholism
you asked:So what suggestions do you have for successful techniques to reach him?
There are some success stories here at SR by members whose families staged an intervention. Even with intervention, the alcoholic has to be willing to do the recovery work.
Alcoholism consumes the addicted person's mind, body and soul. The only person that can save the alcoholic is the alcoholic. They have to want sobriety more than anything else in their life. (I am also a recovering alcoholic) My greatest fear while active in my addiction, was a lifetime without alcohol. How would I celebrate successes? How would I mourn and grieve? How would I destress? I had to retrain my brain and today I am able to feel all my feelings without drowning them in a bottle.
You have found a wonderful source of information and support for yourself. We share our strength, experience and hope 24/7.
I recommend the permanent posts at the top of this forum for wisdom and some of our experiences with loved ones drinking. There is a post that contains excerpts from a book "Under the Influence" that will help you and your family understand the stages of alcoholism. It sounds like your father is in advanced stages of alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive and does get worse.
Another source of information and support for you, your mother and sister are Alanon meetings. They are for friends and family members of alcoholics. I was married to an active alcoholic. One of the first things I learned at Alanon was the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not cause the alcoholism
I can not control the alcoholism
I will not cure the alcoholism
you asked:So what suggestions do you have for successful techniques to reach him?
There are some success stories here at SR by members whose families staged an intervention. Even with intervention, the alcoholic has to be willing to do the recovery work.
Alcoholism consumes the addicted person's mind, body and soul. The only person that can save the alcoholic is the alcoholic. They have to want sobriety more than anything else in their life. (I am also a recovering alcoholic) My greatest fear while active in my addiction, was a lifetime without alcohol. How would I celebrate successes? How would I mourn and grieve? How would I destress? I had to retrain my brain and today I am able to feel all my feelings without drowning them in a bottle.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi 4myfather--
Welcome.
I read your post and I thought "wow your mother needs help too!" What a mess, but quite typical within the realm of alcoholic behavior.
Alcoholism is called a family disease and your post really illustrates that.
"Help" however when it comes to addiction is a slippery slope. I had to learn to accept my brothers' rights to live how they choose to live, no matter how ugly, strange, low, sick, and insane their life appeared to me.
I had to make protecting myself and my mental health the number one priority. AlAnon helped me with this (it's free and specific for the F&F of alcoholics).
I learned that I could pretty much offer my brothers the number to AA and offer them a ride to a meeting, or to detox, but I could not force them to admit they have a problem or to quit drinking. I used to try telling them how what they were doing was hurting me - this just pissed them off and started fights and left me feeling so low down because I thought, mistakenly, that my love & my pain would be enough to make them "wake-up!" Nope. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking until they decide for themselves that they want to change and they reach out and ask for & accept help from people who can actually help them (not me!!).
As dismal as you must feel when you look at your parents lives there is hope - for you! Can you check out AlAnon? Maybe suggest it to mom? That made the biggest difference for me.
peace-
b
Welcome.
I read your post and I thought "wow your mother needs help too!" What a mess, but quite typical within the realm of alcoholic behavior.
Alcoholism is called a family disease and your post really illustrates that.
"Help" however when it comes to addiction is a slippery slope. I had to learn to accept my brothers' rights to live how they choose to live, no matter how ugly, strange, low, sick, and insane their life appeared to me.
I had to make protecting myself and my mental health the number one priority. AlAnon helped me with this (it's free and specific for the F&F of alcoholics).
I learned that I could pretty much offer my brothers the number to AA and offer them a ride to a meeting, or to detox, but I could not force them to admit they have a problem or to quit drinking. I used to try telling them how what they were doing was hurting me - this just pissed them off and started fights and left me feeling so low down because I thought, mistakenly, that my love & my pain would be enough to make them "wake-up!" Nope. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking until they decide for themselves that they want to change and they reach out and ask for & accept help from people who can actually help them (not me!!).
As dismal as you must feel when you look at your parents lives there is hope - for you! Can you check out AlAnon? Maybe suggest it to mom? That made the biggest difference for me.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
4myfather - welcome.
Keep reading. Keep posting. There will be lots of compassion and encouragement here.
One of the hardest things I have found is to LET GO of helping my alcoholic husband (AH). He is suffering and needs help. But I can't. I can't fix him, change him, help him. I can love him by allowing him to live his own life and love myself by living mine.
Good luck. Stick around.
Wife
Keep reading. Keep posting. There will be lots of compassion and encouragement here.
One of the hardest things I have found is to LET GO of helping my alcoholic husband (AH). He is suffering and needs help. But I can't. I can't fix him, change him, help him. I can love him by allowing him to live his own life and love myself by living mine.
Good luck. Stick around.
Wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you for your responses wife, bern, and pel. It is good to know that I am not alone and that others have very similar experiences. I can appreciate what you are saying, but I also have a couple of reservations.
My father is so deep in to his denial that I fear a traditional intervention will cause him to shut down and withdraw further. It also concerns me when you say that I basically have to wait for him to be ready to seek help. His health is declining so rapidly that I fear there may not be a "rock bottom". That "rock bottom" may mean a heart attack or worse. He has made claims that he doesn't want an angoplasty or anything like that... so what should I do. I can't sit on my hands and watch him kill himself. Any supplemental advice would be greatly appreciated.
My father is so deep in to his denial that I fear a traditional intervention will cause him to shut down and withdraw further. It also concerns me when you say that I basically have to wait for him to be ready to seek help. His health is declining so rapidly that I fear there may not be a "rock bottom". That "rock bottom" may mean a heart attack or worse. He has made claims that he doesn't want an angoplasty or anything like that... so what should I do. I can't sit on my hands and watch him kill himself. Any supplemental advice would be greatly appreciated.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My stepdad became a late-in-life alcoholic.
He got so bad that he was constantly verbally abusing my mother. One day he threatened to throw a toaster at her while totally drunk. That was the last straw.
We called the police and made a domestic violence claim and he was forced to leave.
The next day I filed a restraining order and then got it cont. for 3 yrs. We also served him with divorce papers.
He left that day of the toaster incident with the clothes on his back and was not allowed to return. Needless to say, that got his attention.
,
I showed him compassion and told him if he sobered up he could come back. I took him to his 1st two AA mtgs. 3 yrs later he is still sober and back in the home. Obviously, we brought his bottom up to him.. But unless it had gotten that bad, I am convinced he would not have gotten sober.
If he had stayed a drunk, my mom would have divorced him and the family would have detached.
Often the family has to set boundaries and stick to them.
He got so bad that he was constantly verbally abusing my mother. One day he threatened to throw a toaster at her while totally drunk. That was the last straw.
We called the police and made a domestic violence claim and he was forced to leave.
The next day I filed a restraining order and then got it cont. for 3 yrs. We also served him with divorce papers.
He left that day of the toaster incident with the clothes on his back and was not allowed to return. Needless to say, that got his attention.
,
I showed him compassion and told him if he sobered up he could come back. I took him to his 1st two AA mtgs. 3 yrs later he is still sober and back in the home. Obviously, we brought his bottom up to him.. But unless it had gotten that bad, I am convinced he would not have gotten sober.
If he had stayed a drunk, my mom would have divorced him and the family would have detached.
Often the family has to set boundaries and stick to them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
4myfather,
i went to aftercare groups (after treatment for my alcoholic husband) and later started attending al-anon, to be the loving, supportive wife i always did try to be.
it took awhile before i realized that going was for me, not him. by then, my life had already been changed.
i really and truly think the best way to help your father, is to encourage your mother to join al-anon. especially if she goes to a meeting with other women in her age group, and begins to make some meaningful relationships, that could help to turn some things around. this will be very difficult for her, even if she wants to, because he will berate her for doing so (i'm guessing), and she might feel as though she is somehow betraying him. my approach in talking to her about it would be that this would be for everyone: her, him, the entire family. my approach would be that this could be the best thing she could do for him because i truly believe that it would be.
peace
i went to aftercare groups (after treatment for my alcoholic husband) and later started attending al-anon, to be the loving, supportive wife i always did try to be.
it took awhile before i realized that going was for me, not him. by then, my life had already been changed.
i really and truly think the best way to help your father, is to encourage your mother to join al-anon. especially if she goes to a meeting with other women in her age group, and begins to make some meaningful relationships, that could help to turn some things around. this will be very difficult for her, even if she wants to, because he will berate her for doing so (i'm guessing), and she might feel as though she is somehow betraying him. my approach in talking to her about it would be that this would be for everyone: her, him, the entire family. my approach would be that this could be the best thing she could do for him because i truly believe that it would be.
peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello and welcome 4myfather-
i know it is not what you want to hear, but the best thing you can do is to have your father suffer the consequences of his drinking. perhaps if he hits rock bottom, he will seek help. it is too difficult to quit without their 100% cooperation.
i second the advice here that you and your mother continue to educate yourself on this horrible disease and consider joining an alanon group.
from what i have seen, the best hope for your father is that if you and your mom step back, he will perhaps consider seeking help.
naive
i know it is not what you want to hear, but the best thing you can do is to have your father suffer the consequences of his drinking. perhaps if he hits rock bottom, he will seek help. it is too difficult to quit without their 100% cooperation.
i second the advice here that you and your mother continue to educate yourself on this horrible disease and consider joining an alanon group.
from what i have seen, the best hope for your father is that if you and your mom step back, he will perhaps consider seeking help.
naive
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
The alcoholic brain cannot make rational decisions. It works with raw emotions alone. Suggestions and pleas from other will not fall on receptive ground. Until your father makes the acceptance that there is a problem and it must be addressed, your efforts will be minimalistic. There is a possibility, though, that he has already recognized his addiction, but is embarrassed to admit it to anyone else. And because of that abashment, continues to drink to cloak the pain. Alcoholism is a horrible condition to endure, even more so when you are aware.
IMHO, your greatest action would be to make absolutely sure his doctor appointment is attended. Also make certain someone goes with him to "fill in the blanks" he may avoid sharing with the physician. Take whatever means necessary to get him to the appointment. If he becomes belligerent, use law enforcement. It is a harsh action, but you are dealing with a life/death matter. When the sober mind of your father returns, he will understand your intentions.
And he will thank you.
Peace,
Padraic
IMHO, your greatest action would be to make absolutely sure his doctor appointment is attended. Also make certain someone goes with him to "fill in the blanks" he may avoid sharing with the physician. Take whatever means necessary to get him to the appointment. If he becomes belligerent, use law enforcement. It is a harsh action, but you are dealing with a life/death matter. When the sober mind of your father returns, he will understand your intentions.
And he will thank you.
Peace,
Padraic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi 4myfather, are you borrowing my dad? 
Welcome to SR!!!
My AF (alcholic father) is a more blatant drinker. So wonderful to be around when he's sober, but when he's drinking the selfish, self-pitying monster comes out. Currently he goes through sober periods irregularly punctuated by weekends and holidays of binge drinking. He and my mom don't sleep together anymore either. He blames her often - mostly for ruining his (drinking, partying) social life. His parents didn't die young, but they were very poor quality parents who abandoned him a lot and left him to fend for himself. Because of that, he doesn't think he should have to take care of anyone else. If his parents did it to him, then I guess his kids and wife are here to make up for it.
Like your dad, he also has a death wish. Ever since I was a young kid he often commented about how he's not going to be around long, and how we won't need to worry about taking care of him when we grow up. A few years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Had to go for surgery and get a lung tumour removed. Was the most selfish man in the world throughout the ordeal. Didn't want to face it. Didn't want to accept that a lifetime of smoking had anything to do with the tumour. Didn't want his family there. In his mind he was the only one entitled to have any feelings or opinions on the matter. If we tried to talk about we upset we felt, we were ignored or berated for believing that our feelings were just as important as his.
My sister and I went to support him - even just to know he had survived the surgery. He is the most lucky man in the world to have survived the operation with a relatively clean bill of health. Is he thankful? No, because maybe he'd have to take responsibility for how he's chosen to live his life. He still smokes and still binge drinks. His body is a lot weaker and he looks quite older than he should. His sober mind is in full denial; he has convinced himself that he is a victim. He is sucking the life out of the family members who have chosen to stay close. We have tried interventions, and in our case, they have failed. My mom has conceded to take care of his until alcoholism finally claims him. She has accepted that my sister and I find it too painful to keep in close contact with a man who is so wreckless with our feelings (constant guilt trips for wanting to live our own lives, resentment for the success we have experienced, and complete disregard for the love we have shown in trying to help him - he even claimed that he didn't really "feel all that loved" when we actively supported him throughout the cancer treatment).
What Creekryder said about the alcoholic brain is dead-on: the alcoholic brain cannot make rational decisions; it works with raw emotions alone. It is no coincidence that my story shares so many elements with yours. Life has guided me such that until my father chooses to move forward and realize what he actually does have to lose by continuing to live the way he does, he cannot hear me or accept my help. If anything he will deny that he needs to change anything. He needs to hit bottom; for him, at his age, so far in alcoholism, that bottom may no longer exist. It is a progressive condition that I cannot take responsibility for. I cannot make another grown adult want to live.
He may respect you greatly, but he may love alcoholism more. If that's the case, then believe me when I say it really has nothing to do with you. It's more a product of his sick brain. Do what you feel obliged to do in order to help him, but do accept what you cannot control, and push-come-to-shove, you cannot control the decisions of another grown adult.
Check out the neighbouring forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Though the traffic is slower, there are many experienced people there who have dealt with what you are facing now. Everyone's story is different, but the basic themes are the same. Welcome again to SR!
Welcome to SR!!!My AF (alcholic father) is a more blatant drinker. So wonderful to be around when he's sober, but when he's drinking the selfish, self-pitying monster comes out. Currently he goes through sober periods irregularly punctuated by weekends and holidays of binge drinking. He and my mom don't sleep together anymore either. He blames her often - mostly for ruining his (drinking, partying) social life. His parents didn't die young, but they were very poor quality parents who abandoned him a lot and left him to fend for himself. Because of that, he doesn't think he should have to take care of anyone else. If his parents did it to him, then I guess his kids and wife are here to make up for it.
Like your dad, he also has a death wish. Ever since I was a young kid he often commented about how he's not going to be around long, and how we won't need to worry about taking care of him when we grow up. A few years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Had to go for surgery and get a lung tumour removed. Was the most selfish man in the world throughout the ordeal. Didn't want to face it. Didn't want to accept that a lifetime of smoking had anything to do with the tumour. Didn't want his family there. In his mind he was the only one entitled to have any feelings or opinions on the matter. If we tried to talk about we upset we felt, we were ignored or berated for believing that our feelings were just as important as his.
My sister and I went to support him - even just to know he had survived the surgery. He is the most lucky man in the world to have survived the operation with a relatively clean bill of health. Is he thankful? No, because maybe he'd have to take responsibility for how he's chosen to live his life. He still smokes and still binge drinks. His body is a lot weaker and he looks quite older than he should. His sober mind is in full denial; he has convinced himself that he is a victim. He is sucking the life out of the family members who have chosen to stay close. We have tried interventions, and in our case, they have failed. My mom has conceded to take care of his until alcoholism finally claims him. She has accepted that my sister and I find it too painful to keep in close contact with a man who is so wreckless with our feelings (constant guilt trips for wanting to live our own lives, resentment for the success we have experienced, and complete disregard for the love we have shown in trying to help him - he even claimed that he didn't really "feel all that loved" when we actively supported him throughout the cancer treatment).
What Creekryder said about the alcoholic brain is dead-on: the alcoholic brain cannot make rational decisions; it works with raw emotions alone. It is no coincidence that my story shares so many elements with yours. Life has guided me such that until my father chooses to move forward and realize what he actually does have to lose by continuing to live the way he does, he cannot hear me or accept my help. If anything he will deny that he needs to change anything. He needs to hit bottom; for him, at his age, so far in alcoholism, that bottom may no longer exist. It is a progressive condition that I cannot take responsibility for. I cannot make another grown adult want to live.
I feel that I have the best chance of reaching him as he respects me greatly, but I live 500 miles away.
Check out the neighbouring forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Though the traffic is slower, there are many experienced people there who have dealt with what you are facing now. Everyone's story is different, but the basic themes are the same. Welcome again to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you all for your warm welcomes and sound advice. I really appreciate your support. We are planning on confronting my dad at the beginning of next month. For some of you that have similar situations, (my heart goes out to you) what is the best way to have an intervention style interaction that is less confrontational. He does not deal well with confrontation, so I am curious about strategies that could be used to create an environment where he feels safe and supported, as opposed to confronted and accused.
I know my father very well, and when he receives criticism of any type, he shuts down and becomes defensive. I want to avoid creating a stigma or an environment where he will resent us for correcting him and controlling him. I feel we need to be a bit more tactful.
I know my father very well, and when he receives criticism of any type, he shuts down and becomes defensive. I want to avoid creating a stigma or an environment where he will resent us for correcting him and controlling him. I feel we need to be a bit more tactful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Well I think intervention is by its very nature confrontational! That does not mean it has to be rude, aggressive, or demeaning. I'd say approach it very seriously and with love. Stick to "I" statements.... I see you abusing alcohol... I see it affecting your health... I was hurt when you were drunk and screamed at me for... I am willing to drive you to meetings....I am going to stop spending time with you when you are drunk, hungover, or abusive.... etc.
And then be prepared to follow up what you say.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
And never doubt the powerful foe that is alcoholism. Him having everyone walking on eggshells thinking he is too prickly to confront is all a standard defense for alcoholics. King Alcohol is in charge of the kingdom and it does not want anyone or anything to get in the way of the drinking and your father is geared 100% towards maintaining his addicton. So don't take it personally nor avoid it if he freaks out - that is a normal reaction in this abnormal world. Prepare yourself for him shutting down, maybe yelling, maybe walking away and not participating. What will you do when he does these things?
Generally if there are no real consequences in place then the A will just keep floating down the alcohol river. I mean why change? So what are you actually willing to do or change if he refuses to seek help? Empty threats are worse than no interevntion at all. Cuz it doesn't sound as if he is anywhere near being ready to seek help.
And contemplate those things you are willing to enforce. I have to choose things that are good for my mental health - because again, just because I stop seeing my A brothers - does not mean they will stop abusing alcohol. They may, and they have every right to, continue drinking themselves to misery or death. So I have to be really clear on what I am saying and why I am doing it.
And please do remember that staistcally interventions are not very succesful. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do one. Some people respond to them. But don't have any great expectations.
Have you thought about attending AlAnon at all? Remember none of this is your fault and the success or non-success of an intervention is entirely up to him, but try to set it up so you get something positive out of it for you - even if it is the final straw in being able to let go and accept you have no control over him and his choices.
peace-
b
And then be prepared to follow up what you say.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
And never doubt the powerful foe that is alcoholism. Him having everyone walking on eggshells thinking he is too prickly to confront is all a standard defense for alcoholics. King Alcohol is in charge of the kingdom and it does not want anyone or anything to get in the way of the drinking and your father is geared 100% towards maintaining his addicton. So don't take it personally nor avoid it if he freaks out - that is a normal reaction in this abnormal world. Prepare yourself for him shutting down, maybe yelling, maybe walking away and not participating. What will you do when he does these things?
Generally if there are no real consequences in place then the A will just keep floating down the alcohol river. I mean why change? So what are you actually willing to do or change if he refuses to seek help? Empty threats are worse than no interevntion at all. Cuz it doesn't sound as if he is anywhere near being ready to seek help.
And contemplate those things you are willing to enforce. I have to choose things that are good for my mental health - because again, just because I stop seeing my A brothers - does not mean they will stop abusing alcohol. They may, and they have every right to, continue drinking themselves to misery or death. So I have to be really clear on what I am saying and why I am doing it.
And please do remember that staistcally interventions are not very succesful. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do one. Some people respond to them. But don't have any great expectations.
Have you thought about attending AlAnon at all? Remember none of this is your fault and the success or non-success of an intervention is entirely up to him, but try to set it up so you get something positive out of it for you - even if it is the final straw in being able to let go and accept you have no control over him and his choices.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Hello 4myfather and welcome. My AH was absolutely 100% killing himself and I was watching. He often spoke of dying. He often said he was crazy and it was time to go. He was killing me and the whole family right along with him.
I don't know if you call what we did a true intervention or not, but we as a family got together and gave him two choices. Rehab or the police. Since he had brought up feeling like he wanted to die that was considered a suicide threat and something the authorities were required to deal with. So those were the only options we gave him. Staying with me or any of the family was NOT an option. He chose rehab and I drove him there and walked away. His whole family and I stuck together and we all "let him go".
It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I was physically sick for days scared of what would become of him. His poor mother who is already in bad health had to be hospitalized. But in the end he progessed through Rehab and into a recovery house where he still lives right now and he is STILL sober. He is working, attending AA, working the 12 steps and saving himself one day at a time.
Where does your father get the alcohol from? Your post says he is either drinking or sleeping. Who is buying it? Who is paying for it?
Go to Al Anon. You will find the help you need for you and your mother. Keep coming back here. We are all in this together.
I don't know if you call what we did a true intervention or not, but we as a family got together and gave him two choices. Rehab or the police. Since he had brought up feeling like he wanted to die that was considered a suicide threat and something the authorities were required to deal with. So those were the only options we gave him. Staying with me or any of the family was NOT an option. He chose rehab and I drove him there and walked away. His whole family and I stuck together and we all "let him go".
It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I was physically sick for days scared of what would become of him. His poor mother who is already in bad health had to be hospitalized. But in the end he progessed through Rehab and into a recovery house where he still lives right now and he is STILL sober. He is working, attending AA, working the 12 steps and saving himself one day at a time.
Where does your father get the alcohol from? Your post says he is either drinking or sleeping. Who is buying it? Who is paying for it?
Go to Al Anon. You will find the help you need for you and your mother. Keep coming back here. We are all in this together.
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