Last straw
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Last straw
My Alcoholic sons father has finally been paying me support. Not through the system, just as per our agreement. He said without the system he would pay more, and he did for 4 months.
Beginning this month, he has started to whittle away arbitrary amounts of money that he will deposit based on whether he finds my behavior "acceptable" or not. This is difficult since he is a little psychologically challenged. His first deduction was because I was sad and not grateful enough for his help when my car broke down on the road 3 days before Xmas. He came to "help", but was drunk, and I would not let him drive with our son. I did not ask him to come, and when the tow truck drove off, I was sad. He knocked $100 off his support for the next pay period because I was not respectful and was pouting and 'difficult' on that day
.
The next deduction was because he said, drunk, that my face is old and tired, and as a matter of fact, he felt so sickened by it that it cost me another $100. He claimed to have no recollection of having said that, yet the deduction was still taken, with him saying, "you KNOW why.."
Of course Xmas eve he showed up with the $600 television set as a gift for our 5 year old. I will have no where to put it when I can't make the rent, but, that is "not his problem", he says.
I am so sad, so fed up. I am scared. I am being abused and controlled.
I am 41 years old as of yesterday. I have a now 5 year old. I wasted the last eight years on this alcoholic person, paying his way, fixing his mistakes, taking his abuse...
I am now exhausted. I am exhausted financially, emotionally, mentally. Physically, don't even get me started. I feel like I wake up with a hangover everyday, from dealing with HIM.
I am so scared to go forward. I AM, now, financially dependent on HIM, and he is milking that for every last drop of abuse he can get out of it.
I need to get back on my feet. My career was one in the entertainment industry, and I am now sort of past my prime. I have to start ALL OVER. It is overwhelming.
But when I finally snap out of this and get to it, it WILL be worth it. Because no amount of money can be worth the hell he is putting me through right now. I do not know how I am going to do it but I HAVE to do it. I only make enough money by myself right now to pay the bills and half of the rent. I need to really pull a big rabbit out of a hat...I need a miracle, as they say.
I have to become independent. I feel like a kid without any tools. I feel like God cannot be a fair or kind force to allow things to go this way.
I am being projected upon in such an obvious and ridiculous fashion, that I almost can't make good choices because I am so dumbfounded by his lack of reason and sense! I find myself looking around incredulously, endlessly for someone to jump out from behind some bush and announce that I have been being spiritually Punk'd or something.
I really just want to curl up and die. I cannot see a way out. Life is so unfair.
Beginning this month, he has started to whittle away arbitrary amounts of money that he will deposit based on whether he finds my behavior "acceptable" or not. This is difficult since he is a little psychologically challenged. His first deduction was because I was sad and not grateful enough for his help when my car broke down on the road 3 days before Xmas. He came to "help", but was drunk, and I would not let him drive with our son. I did not ask him to come, and when the tow truck drove off, I was sad. He knocked $100 off his support for the next pay period because I was not respectful and was pouting and 'difficult' on that day
.
The next deduction was because he said, drunk, that my face is old and tired, and as a matter of fact, he felt so sickened by it that it cost me another $100. He claimed to have no recollection of having said that, yet the deduction was still taken, with him saying, "you KNOW why.."
Of course Xmas eve he showed up with the $600 television set as a gift for our 5 year old. I will have no where to put it when I can't make the rent, but, that is "not his problem", he says.
I am so sad, so fed up. I am scared. I am being abused and controlled.
I am 41 years old as of yesterday. I have a now 5 year old. I wasted the last eight years on this alcoholic person, paying his way, fixing his mistakes, taking his abuse...
I am now exhausted. I am exhausted financially, emotionally, mentally. Physically, don't even get me started. I feel like I wake up with a hangover everyday, from dealing with HIM.
I am so scared to go forward. I AM, now, financially dependent on HIM, and he is milking that for every last drop of abuse he can get out of it.
I need to get back on my feet. My career was one in the entertainment industry, and I am now sort of past my prime. I have to start ALL OVER. It is overwhelming.
But when I finally snap out of this and get to it, it WILL be worth it. Because no amount of money can be worth the hell he is putting me through right now. I do not know how I am going to do it but I HAVE to do it. I only make enough money by myself right now to pay the bills and half of the rent. I need to really pull a big rabbit out of a hat...I need a miracle, as they say.
I have to become independent. I feel like a kid without any tools. I feel like God cannot be a fair or kind force to allow things to go this way.
I am being projected upon in such an obvious and ridiculous fashion, that I almost can't make good choices because I am so dumbfounded by his lack of reason and sense! I find myself looking around incredulously, endlessly for someone to jump out from behind some bush and announce that I have been being spiritually Punk'd or something.
I really just want to curl up and die. I cannot see a way out. Life is so unfair.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am so sorry. It makes my heart weep to read that post.
You may have already done this, your circumstances may appear that you cannot go through the system with him, but as you know you don't deserve this and neither does your son.
I"m angry that you've had to endure his sheer insanity. I guess that's a codependant moment, right? I don't care. What a sick, insane, selfish, overindulgent ass bag of an excuse for a human being that guy is. Figuratively speaking.
I pray for peace between the two of you, and pray for help speeding toward you on angels wings.
(((((Buffalo)))))
You may have already done this, your circumstances may appear that you cannot go through the system with him, but as you know you don't deserve this and neither does your son.
I"m angry that you've had to endure his sheer insanity. I guess that's a codependant moment, right? I don't care. What a sick, insane, selfish, overindulgent ass bag of an excuse for a human being that guy is. Figuratively speaking.
I pray for peace between the two of you, and pray for help speeding toward you on angels wings.
(((((Buffalo)))))
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Buff-you are not old. He would like you to believe it though. He is banging away at your self esteem. He knows this is a way to get to you...control you. Don't let him! You can't do your old job? Recreate yourself and get a new one. I know times are tough, but your spirit is strong. Keep looking.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you over your situation. Are there any social services you can take advantage of? Go to an Al Anon meeting...there has to be someone there that has been in your shoes that can offer some assistance.
Good luck Buff...keep us posted!
((((HUGS))))
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you over your situation. Are there any social services you can take advantage of? Go to an Al Anon meeting...there has to be someone there that has been in your shoes that can offer some assistance.
Good luck Buff...keep us posted!
((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi buffalo-
it seems apparent that you might do well to legally formalize the payment agreement with your alcoholic.
i am sorry he is manipulating you with the money you and your son require to live. that's inexcusable behavior for a "father".
as for your own employment, you don't have to go back to the entertainment industry. you could do something simple and close to home to supplement your income...
going back to work doesn't have to be a huge career move. even 10 hours in a nearby place that you can walk to would give you a bit of pocket money and get the energy moving.
i don't know where you live or what the circumstances are but you could apply to a local temp agency and see what they propose. other ideas: cashier at neighbor hood store, classroom assistant, receptionist in an office, afternoon newspaper route, etc. etc.
it seems apparent that you might do well to legally formalize the payment agreement with your alcoholic.
i am sorry he is manipulating you with the money you and your son require to live. that's inexcusable behavior for a "father".
as for your own employment, you don't have to go back to the entertainment industry. you could do something simple and close to home to supplement your income...
going back to work doesn't have to be a huge career move. even 10 hours in a nearby place that you can walk to would give you a bit of pocket money and get the energy moving.
i don't know where you live or what the circumstances are but you could apply to a local temp agency and see what they propose. other ideas: cashier at neighbor hood store, classroom assistant, receptionist in an office, afternoon newspaper route, etc. etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Happy 41st Birthday for yesterday Buffalo66. I hope you did something nice for yourself to celebrate the anniversary of your birth.
I'm in Australia - & I always had the Child Support Agency handle things for my kids. Much simpler & easier & less emotionally charged for all concerned.
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9...ishes11az2.gif
I'm in Australia - & I always had the Child Support Agency handle things for my kids. Much simpler & easier & less emotionally charged for all concerned.
http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9...ishes11az2.gif
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Here in Illinois, the state will pursue a non-custodial parent for back or current child support for no charge. They are not exactly the swiftest office in the world, but they have done well by me so far. They docked his unemployment and could (if I got on their case about it) suspend his license and intercept his tax refund.
Child support is considered the right of the child, not the right of the parent. How he feels about your behavior or whether or not you are pleasing him is a bulls**t excuse to try and exercise an abusive amount of control in your life now that you are not together anymore.
IMHO, have him served - get it legalized - get it in writing - get it enforced ASAP.
Child support is considered the right of the child, not the right of the parent. How he feels about your behavior or whether or not you are pleasing him is a bulls**t excuse to try and exercise an abusive amount of control in your life now that you are not together anymore.
IMHO, have him served - get it legalized - get it in writing - get it enforced ASAP.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I know you are in a bind of a situation because I think we have discussed this before? your son's medical situation puts an extra spin on the situation?
he is a b*stard. There aren't any nice words for what he is doing. It is intentional and abusive.
Can you get some financial advice about your specific situation or legal advice regarding whether he can be forced to not only pay child support but also provide medical coverage? Is there a charity that deals with your son's condition that could help you access these professionals at cheap/free rates.
((B6))
he is a b*stard. There aren't any nice words for what he is doing. It is intentional and abusive.
Can you get some financial advice about your specific situation or legal advice regarding whether he can be forced to not only pay child support but also provide medical coverage? Is there a charity that deals with your son's condition that could help you access these professionals at cheap/free rates.
((B6))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
My mother's favorite line was "The Lord helps those who help themselves." so let's get moving on this, Buffalo! Why don't you calculate your living expenses with the child support amount that the courts will set? It might be less, but it will be clean, reliable, enforceable support - unlike this freaky, HOLD-IT-OVER-YOUR-HEAD game that he is playing with you. And it is abuse - no question about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I know others have said it already, but in case you need to read it again: what he is doing is disgusting and pathetically low. You don't deserve this sh*t and it's time to find a way to change the situation. I do hope you find a solution soon.
Many hugs.
Many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
A little plan buffalo.....time to make a little plan.
Start however you like-- I usually like to start with my list of goals or dreams...and then try to break those down into small (maybe even teeny weeny) manageable steps.
When you say you were in "entertainment" were you talent? I worked in production for years and some of the best behind-the-scenes & crew people were people around your age who used to be talent but 'aged out!!" and started working at production jobs. You have knowledge, you have skills, and you have maturity. You start at the beginning - maybe look into local production companies, see if they need PAs (Production Assistants), you can check it out and see if it appeals enough to you to work at moving up.
Also let everyone kind & decent in your world know that you need help! After my divorce when I was just at rock bottom I just had to reach out. Little jobs started coming my way, guardian angels seemed to show up just when I was ready to lie down and give up, once I humbled myself and asked for and accepted help things started moving and the isolation ended.
Baby steps buffalo. You can do this, the weight you feel is so connected to this abusive atmosphere - once you step away from that you will free up boatloads of energy!
peace-
b
Start however you like-- I usually like to start with my list of goals or dreams...and then try to break those down into small (maybe even teeny weeny) manageable steps.
When you say you were in "entertainment" were you talent? I worked in production for years and some of the best behind-the-scenes & crew people were people around your age who used to be talent but 'aged out!!" and started working at production jobs. You have knowledge, you have skills, and you have maturity. You start at the beginning - maybe look into local production companies, see if they need PAs (Production Assistants), you can check it out and see if it appeals enough to you to work at moving up.
Also let everyone kind & decent in your world know that you need help! After my divorce when I was just at rock bottom I just had to reach out. Little jobs started coming my way, guardian angels seemed to show up just when I was ready to lie down and give up, once I humbled myself and asked for and accepted help things started moving and the isolation ended.
Baby steps buffalo. You can do this, the weight you feel is so connected to this abusive atmosphere - once you step away from that you will free up boatloads of energy!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Thanks everyone. I am going to file for child support tomorrow.
I worked as a musician in a touring rock band. I am pretty much unqualified across the board otherwise. I have sold paintings, I do small catering jobs on the side, working for HIS father, now.
I am going to have to reach out. There is no other way. I am so depressed. And it is going to be a long winter.
Thanks for all your kind words and support. I cannot express how much they mean to me.
I worked as a musician in a touring rock band. I am pretty much unqualified across the board otherwise. I have sold paintings, I do small catering jobs on the side, working for HIS father, now.
I am going to have to reach out. There is no other way. I am so depressed. And it is going to be a long winter.
Thanks for all your kind words and support. I cannot express how much they mean to me.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Believe that you and your son have a bright future...Hey it is already good if you chose to leave an abusive alcoholic mate...way to go.
Ea. day Think of the things you have to be grateful forr..no matter how small...Let the list build. Seek companionship from friends and family. You have a blank slate to create the NOW that you want.
Ea. day Think of the things you have to be grateful forr..no matter how small...Let the list build. Seek companionship from friends and family. You have a blank slate to create the NOW that you want.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
he showed up with the $600 television set as a gift for our 5 year old. I will have no where to put it when I can't make the rent, but, that is "not his problem", he says
So he's washing his hands of this TV problem, huh?
I know where you can put that TV....online on Craigslist, EBay, or any other classified pages. Sell it and say nothing to him. Take what you can get for it, in my opinion. If he wonders why, tell him. You have no place for it but you have deficits in your support that need to be compensated for.
His priorities do not have to be your priorities! He thinks a 5 year old needs an expensive TV, but you and I both know a 5 year old needs a parent who provides for his real needs far more.
He wants to stay outside the system with his support so he can play these games. I agree with the others who say get back in the system with this so that control of his is gone.
Much love,
Alice
So he's washing his hands of this TV problem, huh?
I know where you can put that TV....online on Craigslist, EBay, or any other classified pages. Sell it and say nothing to him. Take what you can get for it, in my opinion. If he wonders why, tell him. You have no place for it but you have deficits in your support that need to be compensated for.
His priorities do not have to be your priorities! He thinks a 5 year old needs an expensive TV, but you and I both know a 5 year old needs a parent who provides for his real needs far more.
He wants to stay outside the system with his support so he can play these games. I agree with the others who say get back in the system with this so that control of his is gone.
Much love,
Alice
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