iwantcontrol

So, my boyfriend was on a day program (4 days a week) purely for stopping drinking. It is a 13 week program where you have to be abstinent - they breathlyse you and you can't go in if you've been drinking. He completed about 7 weeks, although was still drinking about 3 or 4 evenings each week (but a lot less than before). He was grumpy and wanted to spend a lot of time on his own. He didnt really want to see me much. It wasn't fun but I thought it was worth it for him to get sober.

Now, his main problem he says is depression which he has had for about 15 years I think. He says he thinks he drinks to make him feel better, although his father is an alcoholic, so I'm not really sure of the cause and effect here. Maybe it doesn't matter, but I think he needs his psychological and depression problems sorted out almost separately from the alcohol.

Anyways, he decided over Christmas that he isn't going back to the program at all - he spoke to them and he is going to get counselling which is only once a week I think, and wants to go back to work. While I support the getting a job, I'm worried that it is going to end up with him sitting around doing nothing but drinking all day, like it was before he went on the program. I'm really worried, but I know he has to do what is right for him. If the program wasn't working I suppose it is right to leave it? I'm confused about it though. He says that it jsut wasn't helping talking about alcohol all day and then going home and trying not to think about alcohol. I can see his point but I'm worried he'll now just think he can control his drinking by himself, but I don't think he can.

Any opinions are welcome - I'm very confused!

GiveLove

There is nothing confusing about this, really, except that you want him to behave differently, and make different choices that would make you feel better about the relationship.

But his program is his program. If he decides not to work a program and continues drinking, well, that's his choice and his prerogative as an adult.

It is very hard to let someone live their own life, and to live our own as well. But Al-anon and SR helped me to see how enmeshed I was in someone else's choices, and how much my happiness depended on what they did or didn't do.

Hoping you will focus on you, your life, your happiness, your dreams & goals.....and not on his choices, which are something you can't control.

iwantcontrol

Thanks givelove - you have hit the nail on the head really - I do just want him to behave differently because I want us to have the great life together I know we could have. We have glimpses of it, and when he isn't drinking things can be really good.

I just don't know how to get past the longing for things to be good all the time. I'm so upset that I feel I am obviously not important enough for him to get sober, even though I know he doesn't drink to hurt me. It's so frustrating, and I don't know how to deal with it at the moment.

nodaybut2day

iwantcontrol...who your boyfriend is right now is the only person he is willing to be. Do you love and accept that person? Wishing things to be otherwise and seeing how things *could be if only he'd...* is just, well, wishful thinking.

As for dealing with the fact that you're not important enough for him to get sober, I think we've all been there at one time or another. For me, it helped to realize that no matter what, XAH would always love booze more than he loved me. Since I couldn't compete with an intoxicating substance, I felt a bit better, day by day.

*hugs* to you.

iwantcontrol

thanks, he does seem to be making an effort right now to get things sorted but I'm just expecting it to turn back to how it was again. I guess I just need to work on getting myself to realise i can't compete with alcohol - maybe it is just going to take me some time.