Disentangling. Again.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Disentangling. Again.
AH had been staying here over the holidays, under the guise of helping me unpack. He was very helpful.
I've had a few triggers and no wonder. Now that he's back at his place, he's calling me late at night drunk. Still calling me from work. Still is telling me where he's going, who he's going to be with. Tells me because he doesn't want me to worry, supposedly. I think he's just lonely. He doesnt' love me, that's for sure. Nope. He just loves the booze.
I am disentangling from him once again. It's like pulling spider web off me (sorry Grandmother Spider). tangled up in it. Now that he's physically gone, I can detach. Again. I guess I'll just keep circling around and around in a wider and wider spiral until it's finally over.
Seriously, I wonder what the next excuse will be. This time we both used the excuse that his place wasn't ready and we'd moved all of the stuff into my house from our foreclosed home and needing to break it down-with the kids home, during Christmas.
I guess I just needed to get close to him so i can see him through your eyes. Gotta go back and check. Yep, he's still doing that agian. Yep, that too. Again and again until I no longer act on fear. Fear that he'll find another drinking bimbo partner. Fear that I will miss out on him actually changing. all the fears all the other folks report when they first come here. Some of us take a long time to make that break for good.
I have faint feelings of distress. Faint. No crying, just uncomfortable. He says he doesn't deserve my kindness because he doesn't return it. That he can't "accept" certain things about me so we can't live together. Bla bla bla. Same quacking he's always done. Same quacking all the other A spouses do, I know, I've seen it reported here over and over. It gets so old. What never gets old, however, is the very real stress of the folks posting. Thank God for each and every one of you. For your honesty, for your kindness.
Mainly I want to not care anymore about him and all his drama. I've been there before, it's a glorious place. Soon, I will not answer when he calls. Let it go to voicemail. And not because I"m angry, or want to punish him or fight with him. I'm almost there.
This time, just like the last, I have brave Naive holding my hand, as if I were right there with her in that grocery store. And Tigger is by my side, moving out of my own house despite the fear and lack of resources. And LaTeeDa is bossing me around, even though she's younger. And Give Love oozing guidance, acceptance and faith. And that funny little guy wearing the helmet laying it out just the way it is. (Sorry I'm exhausted and my brain won't pull up your name) an Livewyerd just being the most kind, cheerful woman on the planet.
I have more and more acceptance in the moment for myself and where I'm at. I know that I will detach and find my balance alone here with the kids. i know that together, with all of you, I am invincible. Even when I'm sad and scared and don't have the answers.
I've had a few triggers and no wonder. Now that he's back at his place, he's calling me late at night drunk. Still calling me from work. Still is telling me where he's going, who he's going to be with. Tells me because he doesn't want me to worry, supposedly. I think he's just lonely. He doesnt' love me, that's for sure. Nope. He just loves the booze.
I am disentangling from him once again. It's like pulling spider web off me (sorry Grandmother Spider). tangled up in it. Now that he's physically gone, I can detach. Again. I guess I'll just keep circling around and around in a wider and wider spiral until it's finally over.
Seriously, I wonder what the next excuse will be. This time we both used the excuse that his place wasn't ready and we'd moved all of the stuff into my house from our foreclosed home and needing to break it down-with the kids home, during Christmas.
I guess I just needed to get close to him so i can see him through your eyes. Gotta go back and check. Yep, he's still doing that agian. Yep, that too. Again and again until I no longer act on fear. Fear that he'll find another drinking bimbo partner. Fear that I will miss out on him actually changing. all the fears all the other folks report when they first come here. Some of us take a long time to make that break for good.
I have faint feelings of distress. Faint. No crying, just uncomfortable. He says he doesn't deserve my kindness because he doesn't return it. That he can't "accept" certain things about me so we can't live together. Bla bla bla. Same quacking he's always done. Same quacking all the other A spouses do, I know, I've seen it reported here over and over. It gets so old. What never gets old, however, is the very real stress of the folks posting. Thank God for each and every one of you. For your honesty, for your kindness.
Mainly I want to not care anymore about him and all his drama. I've been there before, it's a glorious place. Soon, I will not answer when he calls. Let it go to voicemail. And not because I"m angry, or want to punish him or fight with him. I'm almost there.
This time, just like the last, I have brave Naive holding my hand, as if I were right there with her in that grocery store. And Tigger is by my side, moving out of my own house despite the fear and lack of resources. And LaTeeDa is bossing me around, even though she's younger. And Give Love oozing guidance, acceptance and faith. And that funny little guy wearing the helmet laying it out just the way it is. (Sorry I'm exhausted and my brain won't pull up your name) an Livewyerd just being the most kind, cheerful woman on the planet.
I have more and more acceptance in the moment for myself and where I'm at. I know that I will detach and find my balance alone here with the kids. i know that together, with all of you, I am invincible. Even when I'm sad and scared and don't have the answers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Younger, Ha! I don't know if I've ever divulged my age to you, although I have in many previous posts, but I am 47. But, that's neither here nor there. I feel 20 years younger than I did just a few short years ago, and it's come from breaking free. You will, too. It takes time, and patience with yourself, and determination, and all those things you already know. I will not boss you around, but I will share one of my secrets that helped me break free.
I had to sever all dependence on my AH. Even though we have children together, and even though I never thought I could do certain things without his help, I had to muster up the strength and courage to be able to live my live--completely--without him. For me, this meant I learned to chop my own kindling for the woodstove, I changed the locks on my own house, I installed a new shower head on my own, I hung my own Christmas lights on the outside of my house, I cleaned my own gutters, and I hired someone to do whatever I couldn't manage on my own. I needed him for NOTHING! It took a good long time, and a few scary moments, but I learned to take care of my life, my house, my children, my car, my finances, everything, without one bit of help from him.
It's easy to fall back on needing him. So much easier than doing for myself. But the price is too high. Way too high. This past summer, I installed a patio in my backyard. Nobody helped me except my kids. They were awesome. It took a month and a half to do what they do in one day on the Home and Garden channel. But, we did it! It was hard--no grueling--and there were several times I wanted to just give up and hire a landscaper to finish the job, but we stuck it out and did it! Man oh man, what a feeling. The first thing my son does when anyone comes over to visit is take them out back and show them the patio! What an awesome feeling.
You can take your power back. You don't need him to organize your house. You don't need him to pay your bills. You don't need him to watch the children. As long as you need him, he has power over you. Take your power back. You don't need him!
L
I had to sever all dependence on my AH. Even though we have children together, and even though I never thought I could do certain things without his help, I had to muster up the strength and courage to be able to live my live--completely--without him. For me, this meant I learned to chop my own kindling for the woodstove, I changed the locks on my own house, I installed a new shower head on my own, I hung my own Christmas lights on the outside of my house, I cleaned my own gutters, and I hired someone to do whatever I couldn't manage on my own. I needed him for NOTHING! It took a good long time, and a few scary moments, but I learned to take care of my life, my house, my children, my car, my finances, everything, without one bit of help from him.
It's easy to fall back on needing him. So much easier than doing for myself. But the price is too high. Way too high. This past summer, I installed a patio in my backyard. Nobody helped me except my kids. They were awesome. It took a month and a half to do what they do in one day on the Home and Garden channel. But, we did it! It was hard--no grueling--and there were several times I wanted to just give up and hire a landscaper to finish the job, but we stuck it out and did it! Man oh man, what a feeling. The first thing my son does when anyone comes over to visit is take them out back and show them the patio! What an awesome feeling.
You can take your power back. You don't need him to organize your house. You don't need him to pay your bills. You don't need him to watch the children. As long as you need him, he has power over you. Take your power back. You don't need him!
L
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
You can take your power back. You don't need him to organize your house. You don't need him to pay your bills. You don't need him to watch the children. As long as you need him, he has power over you. Take your power back. You don't need him!
So, okay you're only 2 years older than me. We'll give the bossing me around job to Learn2Live, she's great at that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Pop this near your phone, so it is in front of you when the quacking starts. It is very hard to keep a straight face or take anything quacked at you when the quacker looks like this.
God bless
God bless
Last edited by Jadmack25; 01-05-2010 at 01:27 AM. Reason: image problem
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
I love that duck...
And I really liked this:
"I have faint feelings of distress. Faint. No crying, just uncomfortable. "
After all the PTSD, after all of the emotional drama of your back and forth with this alcoholic, after all the codependent behaviors you used to engage in to accomodate these feelings of distress, you are really beginning to recognize that its OK to have those feelings, and the minute you have started to accept them as something you don't have to fight against, their intensity and their power over you dwindled.
I need to learn from you.
And I really liked this:
"I have faint feelings of distress. Faint. No crying, just uncomfortable. "
After all the PTSD, after all of the emotional drama of your back and forth with this alcoholic, after all the codependent behaviors you used to engage in to accomodate these feelings of distress, you are really beginning to recognize that its OK to have those feelings, and the minute you have started to accept them as something you don't have to fight against, their intensity and their power over you dwindled.
I need to learn from you.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Dude, that's so crazy insightful! Thank you so much. You make me look good, thanks!
And jadmack, I'm going to figure out how to copy that picture and use it for his avatar when he calls on my cell. Problem? My 12 year old is my tech guy and I can't ask him to do it, so now's the perfect time to discover what I can do on my own.
I just dropped the kids off. Woke up happy happy, just like I use to before this latest ron-day-voo with Drinky.
Being away from him makes me happy and I'm excited to see what I can do again. I feel like I can do anything. Instead of fear and doubt I feel confident.
I can't, and don't want to deny it.
And jadmack, I'm going to figure out how to copy that picture and use it for his avatar when he calls on my cell. Problem? My 12 year old is my tech guy and I can't ask him to do it, so now's the perfect time to discover what I can do on my own.
I just dropped the kids off. Woke up happy happy, just like I use to before this latest ron-day-voo with Drinky.
Being away from him makes me happy and I'm excited to see what I can do again. I feel like I can do anything. Instead of fear and doubt I feel confident.
I can't, and don't want to deny it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Jadmack...that photo cracks me up far more than I can tell you...it is the best duck pic I have ever seen!!!
Transform, thank you for the kind comments regarding me, I needed that today. I have had some people down on me lately.
But...no peeing on my parade. I have cut them off. I don't need to hear that crap. Let them think it and be miserable..tell anyone they want..but not to me.
I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away!
Are you regularly taking your meds to help the triggers and anxiety?
hmmm. what can we do today that is utterly exuberant?
I'll report back with something I have done that makes my spirits soar...and will check back on you.
Transform, thank you for the kind comments regarding me, I needed that today. I have had some people down on me lately.
But...no peeing on my parade. I have cut them off. I don't need to hear that crap. Let them think it and be miserable..tell anyone they want..but not to me.
I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away!
Are you regularly taking your meds to help the triggers and anxiety?
hmmm. what can we do today that is utterly exuberant?
I'll report back with something I have done that makes my spirits soar...and will check back on you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I have faint feelings of distress. Faint. No crying, just uncomfortable.
I totally think this a sign of your wondrous journey thus far. You used to be realling and thrashing when any contact with him occurred and now this is all that's lingering behind, a faint feeling, a crumb, a remnant, a ghost of the fury it once was.
My wish is for you to feel the accomplishment of this moment deep down. To see that little remnant as a shrunken little version of AH who has lost his power of your universe and the power you have taken back!
There are some things in this world that can never be denied. Faith, Joy, and Love to name a few, and you have found them.
Many more happy awakenings on the way!
Alice
I totally think this a sign of your wondrous journey thus far. You used to be realling and thrashing when any contact with him occurred and now this is all that's lingering behind, a faint feeling, a crumb, a remnant, a ghost of the fury it once was.
My wish is for you to feel the accomplishment of this moment deep down. To see that little remnant as a shrunken little version of AH who has lost his power of your universe and the power you have taken back!
There are some things in this world that can never be denied. Faith, Joy, and Love to name a few, and you have found them.
Many more happy awakenings on the way!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Transform...I did have a far more exciting and exuberant evening than anything I could have planned! Fiance got in contact with sources for his invention and they are super gung ho about working with him...WOW! He were so excited we didn't know what to do with ourselves!!! LOL
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