I went on a date
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Does he have a sight defect? Heck, you had a sign 12 foot tall telling him you were NOT into a relationship and he either did not see it or totally ignored you.
Either way it signals TROUBLE ahead.
Speedy Gonzales would come 2nd to this guy, and why in such a hurry to tie you up?
Fly away Pelican, your gut is right on target, and your picker is fine.
God bless
Either way it signals TROUBLE ahead.
Speedy Gonzales would come 2nd to this guy, and why in such a hurry to tie you up?
Fly away Pelican, your gut is right on target, and your picker is fine.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi pelican-
firstly, i'm delighted that you went on a date! to me, sitting here hurting in my solitude, it's a breath of fresh air, hope and possibilities.
secondly, i would keep him at an arm's length. in my dating experience, they act that way in the beginning, until you sleep with them (sorry men out there), then they act as if you are theirs.
also, i agree with livewyred...keep him out of your home for now. if he wants to see you, he can take you out or over to his.
after all we've been thru, i need a bit of peace in my house. i don't need men knocking the door and pestering me. i'm busy healing and i need my space....
naive
firstly, i'm delighted that you went on a date! to me, sitting here hurting in my solitude, it's a breath of fresh air, hope and possibilities.
secondly, i would keep him at an arm's length. in my dating experience, they act that way in the beginning, until you sleep with them (sorry men out there), then they act as if you are theirs.
also, i agree with livewyred...keep him out of your home for now. if he wants to see you, he can take you out or over to his.
after all we've been thru, i need a bit of peace in my house. i don't need men knocking the door and pestering me. i'm busy healing and i need my space....
naive
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thank you all for your amazing support and a few great laughs!
I agree with the advice about not bringing dates back to the apartment. I should clarify that part. I did meet him at the restaurant with my own car. I live in a gated apartment community. He had to follow me back to my apartment and come through the gate with me. In the parking space outside my building, I asked him if he knew my neighbor "Officer _______" as he is our local courtesy officer and his apartment overlooks my parking space. My date knows my neighbor. I have my cop neighbors cell phone number.
When he came over for dinner and a movie, he had to follow me home from work. I know that that metal gate is not enough to keep sir crazy off the property, but it is a nice deterant.
My date is also in law enforcement. That is how he is so highly recommended as a great guy. Successful in his career, deacon in his church and active in civic organizations.
As a recovering alcoholic and codependent, I wonder where I will meet the nice guys? I don't want to 13 step in the rooms, I don't want to meet the guys that friends are trying to set me up with that go to bars on the weekends, and I'm not religious so that leaves out the preacher's kid
I do like Mike's tip about introducing future dates to other 12 steppers! That would reveal a lot in a short time!
I'm trying to isolate the first red flag about this date. It happened right after I met him. The coworker that introduced us said: "He will take good care of you if you date him".
To which I replied: "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I don't want someone to take care of me. I'm looking for a life partner."
The date told me the same thing about himself during the first date. He told me if I was his lady, he would take good care of me and treat me like a queen. I gave him the same reply I gave my co-worker.
It sure feels like I'm not getting the respect I desire when I state my intentions.
How do you get your point across without raising your voice and resorting to drama?
I have learned in my recovery the answer: State your boundary and be prepared to back it up.
Thanks for listening friends!
I agree with the advice about not bringing dates back to the apartment. I should clarify that part. I did meet him at the restaurant with my own car. I live in a gated apartment community. He had to follow me back to my apartment and come through the gate with me. In the parking space outside my building, I asked him if he knew my neighbor "Officer _______" as he is our local courtesy officer and his apartment overlooks my parking space. My date knows my neighbor. I have my cop neighbors cell phone number.
When he came over for dinner and a movie, he had to follow me home from work. I know that that metal gate is not enough to keep sir crazy off the property, but it is a nice deterant.
My date is also in law enforcement. That is how he is so highly recommended as a great guy. Successful in his career, deacon in his church and active in civic organizations.
As a recovering alcoholic and codependent, I wonder where I will meet the nice guys? I don't want to 13 step in the rooms, I don't want to meet the guys that friends are trying to set me up with that go to bars on the weekends, and I'm not religious so that leaves out the preacher's kid
I do like Mike's tip about introducing future dates to other 12 steppers! That would reveal a lot in a short time!
I'm trying to isolate the first red flag about this date. It happened right after I met him. The coworker that introduced us said: "He will take good care of you if you date him".
To which I replied: "I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I don't want someone to take care of me. I'm looking for a life partner."
The date told me the same thing about himself during the first date. He told me if I was his lady, he would take good care of me and treat me like a queen. I gave him the same reply I gave my co-worker.
It sure feels like I'm not getting the respect I desire when I state my intentions.
How do you get your point across without raising your voice and resorting to drama?
I have learned in my recovery the answer: State your boundary and be prepared to back it up.
Thanks for listening friends!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Pelican 
How do you get your point across without raising your voice and resorting to drama?
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
How do you get your point across without raising your voice and resorting to drama?
Flash forward to five years from now when you're trying to make joint decisions. Yours will not matter. He's going to "take care of you."
You can't change a person who is like that. They're just.....like that. There are tons of women out there who want a dependent relationship like that. You don't strike me as one of them.
Anyway, you know more than we do, but just putting that out there as a woman who survived relationships with two men who wanted to "take care of me", which translated as "I make all the decisions." Bleccch.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Pelican
We came back to my apt after dinner and I introduced him to my children and the dog.
I invited him back into our home Sunday evening for dinner and a movie. We had a nice time.
I invited him back into our home Sunday evening for dinner and a movie. We had a nice time.
I like the idea of meeting at a mutually agreed upon restaurant or coffee shop for the first few "dates" to weed out the whackos. Save your amazing cooking skills for someone who passes the four safe dates test.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Cowgirl1265
Yeah, the whole "taking care of" thing is a huge red flag for me to. It brings to mind someone who is all about control.
Add to that the speed with which he moves...it stinks of desperation. A person who is self-confident isn't that quick to overtake another person's life, and totally ignore that person's boundaries.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh he's a cop? Remember those success, fairy tale stories I referenced earlier? Fugget about it.
I work with law enforcers. Recovering ones who speak the truth about how racist and sexist their industry is. The dynamics are complex, but in my experience, cops have a high percentage rate of domestic violence and control issues. Yes, many are wonderful family men, but often those guys just want to carry a gun and tell others what to do.
Yes, I realize this is a generalization, just like saying, "you might not want to left your new boyfriend that adores you but has no day job and is a musician move in with you one week into the relationship."
(O/T Joke, what do you call a drummer whose gf just broke up with him? Homeless.)
My father and many family members are in law enforcement and I've seen lots. Not criticizing, just sayin..
I work with law enforcers. Recovering ones who speak the truth about how racist and sexist their industry is. The dynamics are complex, but in my experience, cops have a high percentage rate of domestic violence and control issues. Yes, many are wonderful family men, but often those guys just want to carry a gun and tell others what to do.
Yes, I realize this is a generalization, just like saying, "you might not want to left your new boyfriend that adores you but has no day job and is a musician move in with you one week into the relationship."
(O/T Joke, what do you call a drummer whose gf just broke up with him? Homeless.)
My father and many family members are in law enforcement and I've seen lots. Not criticizing, just sayin..
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Picture this: Big beaked bird is nodding her head in total agreement!
Your insights are spot on!
So I have already prepared my "dear john" speech. I will deliver it later this week.
My next step in recovery is to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. Looking within and at my own actions.
Clearly, inviting him back to my apartment was not good judgement. I was invited to his place because he needed to drain the lines from some pressure washing equipment (his friend reminded him about this project at dinner). I knew I did not want to leave my car and get into a vehicle with him and drive out into the country. I also wanted the opportunity to speak with him one on one and learn more about him. Thus, I invited him back to my place. Next time.....
I want any future relationship partner to understand that my time with my family is important. It is a priority. I am the go to person for my children. I am it. I will not sacrifice time with them to spend time with a man. The man needs to be comfortable with my family. I need to set a better time line for dates alone to be followed by dates with the family.
I also have to look at my own ego in this. Did I want to prove to myself that I could handle an agressive male? Did I put myself back into a second date and consider a 3rd date just to prove to myself that I can accept the challenge and emerge victorious? Is my ego talking? Isn't my serenity more important? Should a relationship have a winner?
I'm still in class and signing up for more course work! I'm off today and plan to make an Alanon meeting tonight.
Your insights are spot on!
So I have already prepared my "dear john" speech. I will deliver it later this week.
My next step in recovery is to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. Looking within and at my own actions.
Clearly, inviting him back to my apartment was not good judgement. I was invited to his place because he needed to drain the lines from some pressure washing equipment (his friend reminded him about this project at dinner). I knew I did not want to leave my car and get into a vehicle with him and drive out into the country. I also wanted the opportunity to speak with him one on one and learn more about him. Thus, I invited him back to my place. Next time.....
I want any future relationship partner to understand that my time with my family is important. It is a priority. I am the go to person for my children. I am it. I will not sacrifice time with them to spend time with a man. The man needs to be comfortable with my family. I need to set a better time line for dates alone to be followed by dates with the family.
I also have to look at my own ego in this. Did I want to prove to myself that I could handle an agressive male? Did I put myself back into a second date and consider a 3rd date just to prove to myself that I can accept the challenge and emerge victorious? Is my ego talking? Isn't my serenity more important? Should a relationship have a winner?
I'm still in class and signing up for more course work! I'm off today and plan to make an Alanon meeting tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I had a date like that, about 6 months ago.....
Today I am trying to gather the strength to break up with him.... which means he will be homeless.... (How in the world did I let that happen??? --- and he's not even a drummer LOL) Tonight is the night. It helps to read all these comments. I ignored the red flags, but I ACCEPT now that it is not getting any better.... and I'm getting out before there is permanent damage to my self esteem!
Today I am trying to gather the strength to break up with him.... which means he will be homeless.... (How in the world did I let that happen??? --- and he's not even a drummer LOL) Tonight is the night. It helps to read all these comments. I ignored the red flags, but I ACCEPT now that it is not getting any better.... and I'm getting out before there is permanent damage to my self esteem!
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(edit to clarify classes and course work: I am referring to life lessons and not wanting to ever graduate from growing in wisdom)
I am thankful for SR. It was through this forum that I learned what I really wanted from a relationship. I think it was our friend Anvilhead that stated it this way:
"I want someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as an equal partner in life."
I embrassed that same statement while married to an active alcoholic. I knew that my relationship was not open, honest, forthright nor respectful or equal. I ended the marriage.
I began my recovery journey and have learned that I need to be what I want in a relationship. I need to be open, honest, forthright and treat others with respect as equals.
Nowinsituation, thank you for sharing. I wish you strength and peace as you take control of your life. Today is your day
We Interupt This Message of Support and Hope for a phone call from the date. .........
I had the conversation to end the relationship. He was not willing to accept the end already. I was able to stand my ground and not be manipulated into one more chance. I was willing to let it rest and talk about it again in a day or two, but he kept wanting to minimize his actions, explain his words, and justify his behaviors. He kept pushing for a committment to more dates. I was not feeling the respect I needed for stating my boundaries.
When he asked about us if we work this out and future disagreements and how he would respect me, I was able to use GiveLove's wonderful response and tell him it would be just as it is now but worse: He would minimize my feelings and not accept them because he was not willing to respect my wishes. His present actions of not accepting my wishes were proof positive that he would not be willing to accept them in the future.
Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
I assured him that my future interactions with him would be mature and respectful. I respect him as a professional and responsible man. I will treat him with respect when we meet again and when I speak of him with friends and co-workers. That's how I roll.
I am thankful for SR. It was through this forum that I learned what I really wanted from a relationship. I think it was our friend Anvilhead that stated it this way:
"I want someone who is open, honest, forthright and treats me with respect as an equal partner in life."
I embrassed that same statement while married to an active alcoholic. I knew that my relationship was not open, honest, forthright nor respectful or equal. I ended the marriage.
I began my recovery journey and have learned that I need to be what I want in a relationship. I need to be open, honest, forthright and treat others with respect as equals.
Nowinsituation, thank you for sharing. I wish you strength and peace as you take control of your life. Today is your day
We Interupt This Message of Support and Hope for a phone call from the date. .........
I had the conversation to end the relationship. He was not willing to accept the end already. I was able to stand my ground and not be manipulated into one more chance. I was willing to let it rest and talk about it again in a day or two, but he kept wanting to minimize his actions, explain his words, and justify his behaviors. He kept pushing for a committment to more dates. I was not feeling the respect I needed for stating my boundaries.
When he asked about us if we work this out and future disagreements and how he would respect me, I was able to use GiveLove's wonderful response and tell him it would be just as it is now but worse: He would minimize my feelings and not accept them because he was not willing to respect my wishes. His present actions of not accepting my wishes were proof positive that he would not be willing to accept them in the future.
Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
I assured him that my future interactions with him would be mature and respectful. I respect him as a professional and responsible man. I will treat him with respect when we meet again and when I speak of him with friends and co-workers. That's how I roll.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Hmmmmm.... (no comment)
Interesting thread Pelican..... :-)
So I feel like being shallow, :-),........ is he as good looking as you were told? ( Just wondering if he was at least enjoyable to the eye.)
Interesting thread Pelican..... :-)
So I feel like being shallow, :-),........ is he as good looking as you were told? ( Just wondering if he was at least enjoyable to the eye.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
LOL
Pelican, I hope this doesn't put you off dating. I enjoy meeting people and dinners out, but none of it obligates me to anything in the future.
To me, dating means we go out. I do not prepare meals for dates in my home. It is too close to the wifey role, or creates expectations that I am not willing to meet. Not even if I have been dating them for 3 months.
I am uber cautious, as I said, about letting anyone even know where I live.
However if I did have them over for a movie, we would order delivery food or eat out first.
Maybe this is just my hang up?
But it is something I do not want to project.
If I like them and feel comfortable with them, I will go to their house, and let them prepare dinner..the first couple of times, I like to take a friend...but maybe that is weird too.
Pelican, I hope this doesn't put you off dating. I enjoy meeting people and dinners out, but none of it obligates me to anything in the future.
To me, dating means we go out. I do not prepare meals for dates in my home. It is too close to the wifey role, or creates expectations that I am not willing to meet. Not even if I have been dating them for 3 months.
I am uber cautious, as I said, about letting anyone even know where I live.
However if I did have them over for a movie, we would order delivery food or eat out first.
Maybe this is just my hang up?
But it is something I do not want to project.
If I like them and feel comfortable with them, I will go to their house, and let them prepare dinner..the first couple of times, I like to take a friend...but maybe that is weird too.
Last edited by Live; 01-05-2010 at 12:49 PM. Reason: clarification
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by nowinsituation
I had a date like that, about 6 months ago.....
Today I am trying to gather the strength to break up with him....
Today I am trying to gather the strength to break up with him....
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