Has this happened with anyone else?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Has this happened with anyone else?
I have been just about a year no contact with xabf. The worst part of the end took place between January 2 and Valentines week when I last spoke with him. I spent new years with the new guy and part of the weekend, which was great, then he went home and I kind of hit a wall.
I have managed to convince myself that he is seeing someone else behind my back, like xabf did and I found out about before the end. Also, I'm convinced he is drinking to excess, despite lack of any evidence. Today, he has to work late and I'm convinced that's a lie despite the fact that he owns a business and this has happened a few times before when deals come up. Along with that, I keep crying. I realized the dates a little while ago. Has anyone had residual stuff like this happen around the anniversary of the final crash? It truly was the most painful time of my life and I feel like the pain is coming right back despite my overall happy life.
Thanks for reading : )
I have managed to convince myself that he is seeing someone else behind my back, like xabf did and I found out about before the end. Also, I'm convinced he is drinking to excess, despite lack of any evidence. Today, he has to work late and I'm convinced that's a lie despite the fact that he owns a business and this has happened a few times before when deals come up. Along with that, I keep crying. I realized the dates a little while ago. Has anyone had residual stuff like this happen around the anniversary of the final crash? It truly was the most painful time of my life and I feel like the pain is coming right back despite my overall happy life.
Thanks for reading : )
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Yes.
My bf was killed in a car crash.
Since then -
I can get clingy (I was NEVER clingy)
I *have* to tell them I love them,
if they're late (in my head) they're dead....
all because of drinking and driving.
I can tell you -
it lightens up with time.
and with work on self.
But now, although yours isn't a 'death' ...
maybe it'll be milder than what I've experienced.
we have to keep reminding ourselves that this is a different person.
It takes time.
And practice.
My bf was killed in a car crash.
Since then -
I can get clingy (I was NEVER clingy)
I *have* to tell them I love them,
if they're late (in my head) they're dead....
all because of drinking and driving.
I can tell you -
it lightens up with time.
and with work on self.
But now, although yours isn't a 'death' ...
maybe it'll be milder than what I've experienced.
we have to keep reminding ourselves that this is a different person.
It takes time.
And practice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
UGH! I thought I was done with all the hard parts having to do with xabf, mostly because I no longer have feelings for him and have not for almost as long as it's been since I've spoke to him. Finding out about the new girlfriend forced me to a whole different level in my feelings. All the closure work I did sealed the deal forever.
The problem seems to be not being able to forget the hurt. I thought I had done that, but I guess not. Xabf is a musician. He plays several instruments, but mainly one and the piano. He always used to say he was no good at it, but he would write and play these beautiful piano songs for me and sometimes record them, once a whole album full. Anyway, after I did all the closure work, I was listening to the radio and heard a song called "Nothing Left to Say" by Jim Brickman. I remember at the time thinking that the song fit perfectly with what was going on in my life with him because I had just finished everything. I heard the song again today and burst into tears. I know we said everything there was to say to each other and there really is/was nothing left for me to say to him, but I think a small part of me still wishes that all the lies regarding how much he loved me were true. I think I still feel bad about the lies I told myself and the lies I allowed him to tell me.
As for the new guy....he just scares me. I don't think he's bad, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop and it is just heightened more right now. Sometimes I feel like this will never get easier and I will always have to think, think, think before I do anything or allow myself to have any fun.
The problem seems to be not being able to forget the hurt. I thought I had done that, but I guess not. Xabf is a musician. He plays several instruments, but mainly one and the piano. He always used to say he was no good at it, but he would write and play these beautiful piano songs for me and sometimes record them, once a whole album full. Anyway, after I did all the closure work, I was listening to the radio and heard a song called "Nothing Left to Say" by Jim Brickman. I remember at the time thinking that the song fit perfectly with what was going on in my life with him because I had just finished everything. I heard the song again today and burst into tears. I know we said everything there was to say to each other and there really is/was nothing left for me to say to him, but I think a small part of me still wishes that all the lies regarding how much he loved me were true. I think I still feel bad about the lies I told myself and the lies I allowed him to tell me.
As for the new guy....he just scares me. I don't think he's bad, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop and it is just heightened more right now. Sometimes I feel like this will never get easier and I will always have to think, think, think before I do anything or allow myself to have any fun.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
well, we *do* have to think think think ...
from now on,
that part it true enough.
But with time
the thinking is more ... automatic.
We don't have to spend so much time
thinking ... about thinking.
from now on,
that part it true enough.
But with time
the thinking is more ... automatic.
We don't have to spend so much time
thinking ... about thinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." Maya Angelou
Just keep facing this stuff with courage NYC! I hope that time and tide will lessen these feelings...I held back from my current BF for a long time because I had a lot of (completely fictional!) flashbacky feelings to my doomed marriage - it all went down in my mind. It took time, and the usual prescription: focus on myself and my real feelings and needs: and check out BF's actions not his words....actions tell me all I need to know.
peace-
b
Just keep facing this stuff with courage NYC! I hope that time and tide will lessen these feelings...I held back from my current BF for a long time because I had a lot of (completely fictional!) flashbacky feelings to my doomed marriage - it all went down in my mind. It took time, and the usual prescription: focus on myself and my real feelings and needs: and check out BF's actions not his words....actions tell me all I need to know.
peace-
b
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
If it's any consolation, I'm only recently fully trusting my boyfriend and we've been dating a little over a year. He's proven time and time again that he is who he says he is, keeps his word and is consistent. His actions match his words.
I can identify with the flashback stuff, too. I had a horrible experience with my x many Thanksgivings ago and it echoed back to me this year bad. All I can do is remind myself that things are different now -- everything's ok.
This stuff can be so frustrating, but I suppose it's a defense mechanism to help us make sure never to end up back in hell.
I can identify with the flashback stuff, too. I had a horrible experience with my x many Thanksgivings ago and it echoed back to me this year bad. All I can do is remind myself that things are different now -- everything's ok.
This stuff can be so frustrating, but I suppose it's a defense mechanism to help us make sure never to end up back in hell.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh I 'm so sorry. Triggers, flashbacks, whatever you want to call them, are totally evil until you know what they are and sort out how to handle them.
You've received great advice here, I just want to offer you support. If you can, get as much water, exercise and sleep as possible for awhile and let yourself cry if needed. Say goodbye in as many ways as you can.
Goodbye XABF.
Goodbye fear, suspicion and obsession.
((((((NYC CHICK)))))
You've received great advice here, I just want to offer you support. If you can, get as much water, exercise and sleep as possible for awhile and let yourself cry if needed. Say goodbye in as many ways as you can.
Goodbye XABF.
Goodbye fear, suspicion and obsession.
((((((NYC CHICK)))))
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I feel like the pain is coming right back despite my overall happy life.
Its more like pain being washed away to make space for better things yet to come, NYC Chick.
Ah the joy of triggers!! its part of being human in the "forgiving process" (I believe Melody Beattie calls it that way instead of "mourning process")
Trauma and learned patterns won't dissapear so fast, if you have lived them for years or decades... it takes time and inner work, inner work, inner work to heal and unlearn them and we need to keep at it !!
I too have had a lot of triggers with bf, but zooming out and seeing the actions is very telling. If they are consistent, trust will come naturally. I also have felt very very numb... I remember when I moved together with XABF I was the happiest girl in the universe... now moving with BF its like "at least I will save some money... now pass the chips"
No doubt relations are complex and more so after knowing an alcoholic, expecting disaster is a common pattern we recreate subconsciously.. perhaps the book "Reinventing your life" may help (let me see who the writers are)
It has excellent tests, exercises and examples to heal destructive patterns in a relatively easy, approachable way, and they also describe how patients overcame them and how their life looked like afterwards. Very motivating. I highly recommend it!!
Hugs!! hope you feel better soon.
Its more like pain being washed away to make space for better things yet to come, NYC Chick.
Ah the joy of triggers!! its part of being human in the "forgiving process" (I believe Melody Beattie calls it that way instead of "mourning process")
Trauma and learned patterns won't dissapear so fast, if you have lived them for years or decades... it takes time and inner work, inner work, inner work to heal and unlearn them and we need to keep at it !!
I too have had a lot of triggers with bf, but zooming out and seeing the actions is very telling. If they are consistent, trust will come naturally. I also have felt very very numb... I remember when I moved together with XABF I was the happiest girl in the universe... now moving with BF its like "at least I will save some money... now pass the chips"
No doubt relations are complex and more so after knowing an alcoholic, expecting disaster is a common pattern we recreate subconsciously.. perhaps the book "Reinventing your life" may help (let me see who the writers are)
It has excellent tests, exercises and examples to heal destructive patterns in a relatively easy, approachable way, and they also describe how patients overcame them and how their life looked like afterwards. Very motivating. I highly recommend it!!
Hugs!! hope you feel better soon.
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