Can this marriage be saved? Do I want to save it?
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Can this marriage be saved? Do I want to save it?
OK-my AH is jerking me around like a puppet. One minute he is furious with me for leaving him. Then the 'other' side of him comes out The man I married is there...visible...wanting to work things out.
There were so many bad reasons why I left and so many good reasons why I stayed. I feel like I'm losing my mind trying to sort this out. I don't have any one to talk to about this. My family and friends have seen what this has done to me emotionally and would disown me if I took him back.
I'm reading everything on this site to help me navigate my mess. I read that they will DO anything and SAY anything to get you to agree to move back home.
For the first time ever...he has admitted out loud that he has a problem. He says that he wants to get help and take some sort of pill that will make him sick if he drinks.
I don't know what to do. What I read here clearly indicates that even sober...he has a very good chance of being the a-- I know very well. Yet...there is that sliver of hope that maybe this time he can get the help he needs.
What I'm struggling with is what if he does go get help and does stop drinking. We have done damage to our marriage and I once again have some serious trust issues.
My thoughts are that I would stay out of the marriage home for at least 18 months. This would give him time to work on himself without me being his "sponsor".
Can an alcoholic work on sobriety AND the stress of working on a marriage at the same time? I once thought (before coming here to SR) that once the drinking stopped he would be who he was before. I am sadly beginning to understand that's not possible. He has other issues to deal with and the alcohol makes those things come to the surface big time.
I'm so confused. I got what I wanted...he admitted to his problem and wants to seek help. He wants to work on the marriage. He wants a chance to be who I know he used to be. But...is real change possible? Has too much damage been done?
I'm very peaceful in my place. There is no daily drama and I've become my own good company. I am afraid to get pulled back into the insanity of my old life. I do know that if I did go back to him...I would never get away again.
The sense of freedom that I've experienced since moving out has been wonderful...but on the other hand there are those years that we shared and the chance to recaptue the love we once had is also very appealing.
I'm a freaking mess...
There were so many bad reasons why I left and so many good reasons why I stayed. I feel like I'm losing my mind trying to sort this out. I don't have any one to talk to about this. My family and friends have seen what this has done to me emotionally and would disown me if I took him back.
I'm reading everything on this site to help me navigate my mess. I read that they will DO anything and SAY anything to get you to agree to move back home.
For the first time ever...he has admitted out loud that he has a problem. He says that he wants to get help and take some sort of pill that will make him sick if he drinks.
I don't know what to do. What I read here clearly indicates that even sober...he has a very good chance of being the a-- I know very well. Yet...there is that sliver of hope that maybe this time he can get the help he needs.
What I'm struggling with is what if he does go get help and does stop drinking. We have done damage to our marriage and I once again have some serious trust issues.
My thoughts are that I would stay out of the marriage home for at least 18 months. This would give him time to work on himself without me being his "sponsor".
Can an alcoholic work on sobriety AND the stress of working on a marriage at the same time? I once thought (before coming here to SR) that once the drinking stopped he would be who he was before. I am sadly beginning to understand that's not possible. He has other issues to deal with and the alcohol makes those things come to the surface big time.
I'm so confused. I got what I wanted...he admitted to his problem and wants to seek help. He wants to work on the marriage. He wants a chance to be who I know he used to be. But...is real change possible? Has too much damage been done?
I'm very peaceful in my place. There is no daily drama and I've become my own good company. I am afraid to get pulled back into the insanity of my old life. I do know that if I did go back to him...I would never get away again.
The sense of freedom that I've experienced since moving out has been wonderful...but on the other hand there are those years that we shared and the chance to recaptue the love we once had is also very appealing.
I'm a freaking mess...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by myawakening 
I got what I wanted...he admitted to his problem and wants to seek help. He wants to work on the marriage. He wants a chance to be who I know he used to be.
I'm very peaceful in my place. There is no daily drama and I've become my own good company. I am afraid to get pulled back into the insanity of my old life. I do know that if I did go back to him...I would never get away again.
The sense of freedom that I've experienced since moving out has been wonderful
Look at your description of your current situation.
Go back now and get on the rollercoaster. You know recovery is a crazy ride.
Or, let him do his work. Give a year. See where he is.
If he grows and is a person you would want to be with at that time, hooray!
If not, you have the peaceful goodness you describe. Win-win for you.
Nonexistent Willpower
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 439
Originally Posted by myawakening
For the first time ever...he has admitted out loud that he has a problem.
Originally Posted by myawakening
I'm a freaking mess.
Here's the deal: In 99.9% of cases like yours, if you want to improve your life whether he comes back or not, whether he quits drinking or not, you will most likely need to:
Go to Al-Anon meetings.
Get a sponsor.
Work some steps and clean house.
Help others.
Unless you've done this I don't understand how you can even consider the possibilty that things will change.
Your only other option is to keep focusing on him. Don't go bonkers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Dear "myawakening"... I can sure relate to your post and the questions you've posed. I know very much how you are feeling. I ended a 27 year marriage due to alcoholism, so my history is similar to your story.
What you are facing is a life-changing situation. You've stuck with this man through thick and thin, to the point where your family and friends would all but disown you if you took him back - gosh I know how that feels! Each time I took my AH back, I felt such shame - and embarrassment - and very unsure of my decision. My friends and family after a while just wouldn't comment. They remained in my life, but were more and more distant. It is part of what isolates us from the rest of the world... and that isolation, while self-induced, is crippling in it's own way.
My AH would admit that he had a problem, he was in treatment (in patient) 3 times over the 27 years. He'd get better, only to fall back onto it again and again. I remember one time in particular that was especially painful for me. I thought he'd been sober, he SAID he went to AA meetings once a week, this was about 6 months after one of his treatment stints. One day he was on his way out of town for his work, he was going to be gone for the whole week. He was in a hurry to pick up a co-worker on his way, and forgot his suitcase. I noticed it and quickly called the co-workers house to leave a message that he'd have to come back to get his suitcase. While I waited for him to return, I decided to put a little note in his suitcase, just a sweet note to let him know I was looking forward to the day he got home. When I opened the suitcase to put in the note, much to my surprise was a full bottle of vodka. My heart just sank. I was gut-punched. Hurt. Betrayed. I realized he'd be lying to me all along, he hadn't been sober - just secretive.
My point is living with a person like this is just very hard. The trust issues become huge. I couldn't trust mine, due to events like described above, many of those events occurred over the years, and I realized finally that no matter how many chances he got, it just wasn't going to get better. He just couldn't be honest with me or himself... and I couldn't trust him on anything. The love I had, and all of the trust was gone. I was vacant.
I lived that way, vacant - for about two more years... until I couldn't do it anymore. We were two people, living in the same house, but not a couple, not a marriage, just a shell of what was. There was nothing left to recapture. It was gone.
It took a while, but the memories I had faded - with the emergence of my new life, the peace I had. It's all a blur now, even the worse of it has faded for the most part. I have found there is life, a full life for me out there. Happiness has again returned to my life.
I hope you find that as well.
What you are facing is a life-changing situation. You've stuck with this man through thick and thin, to the point where your family and friends would all but disown you if you took him back - gosh I know how that feels! Each time I took my AH back, I felt such shame - and embarrassment - and very unsure of my decision. My friends and family after a while just wouldn't comment. They remained in my life, but were more and more distant. It is part of what isolates us from the rest of the world... and that isolation, while self-induced, is crippling in it's own way.
My AH would admit that he had a problem, he was in treatment (in patient) 3 times over the 27 years. He'd get better, only to fall back onto it again and again. I remember one time in particular that was especially painful for me. I thought he'd been sober, he SAID he went to AA meetings once a week, this was about 6 months after one of his treatment stints. One day he was on his way out of town for his work, he was going to be gone for the whole week. He was in a hurry to pick up a co-worker on his way, and forgot his suitcase. I noticed it and quickly called the co-workers house to leave a message that he'd have to come back to get his suitcase. While I waited for him to return, I decided to put a little note in his suitcase, just a sweet note to let him know I was looking forward to the day he got home. When I opened the suitcase to put in the note, much to my surprise was a full bottle of vodka. My heart just sank. I was gut-punched. Hurt. Betrayed. I realized he'd be lying to me all along, he hadn't been sober - just secretive.
My point is living with a person like this is just very hard. The trust issues become huge. I couldn't trust mine, due to events like described above, many of those events occurred over the years, and I realized finally that no matter how many chances he got, it just wasn't going to get better. He just couldn't be honest with me or himself... and I couldn't trust him on anything. The love I had, and all of the trust was gone. I was vacant.
I lived that way, vacant - for about two more years... until I couldn't do it anymore. We were two people, living in the same house, but not a couple, not a marriage, just a shell of what was. There was nothing left to recapture. It was gone.
It took a while, but the memories I had faded - with the emergence of my new life, the peace I had. It's all a blur now, even the worse of it has faded for the most part. I have found there is life, a full life for me out there. Happiness has again returned to my life.
I hope you find that as well.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
For the first time ever...he has admitted out loud that he has a problem. He says that he wants to get help and take some sort of pill that will make him sick if he drinks.
Speaking as an alcoholic, and a four tour veteran ...
that statement, worded that way - is not a committment to recovery.
It's the statement of someone who wants their problem 'handled' FOR them. That's why they make the 'pill' statement. In other words, 'yah I'll quit if I don't have to do anything other than take a pill'.
See what I mean?
I think you've got the right idea about staying in your own place.
That is fabulous, that you're already independent.
I also agree with actions speaking louder than words.
And one other thing -
sometimes,
we try to 'tread water' waiting for some man
to decide he wants to have a life
when I clearly see now
that ...
I should NEVER have put my own life on hold
but kept on in my own direction of growth and
self sufficiency
and HE woudl be the one to catch up.
Make sense?
We tend to stop everything and say in the back of our heads
'well, when this happens, I'll do that'
or
'when he's sober a while, then we can go ... someplace '
'I won't get/buy this right now, we'll get it when we're back together'
that kind of thing.
and that's what I'm encouraging you NOT to do.
DON"T WAIT!
I completely agree with anvilhead.
wanna be sober?
good.
fine.
while you do that ...
I'm gonna be doing THIS.
great advice, that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I do know that if I did go back to him...I would never get away again.
Wow. There is no scenario of a healthy relationship that involves shackles. Always remember, in each moment, you are free. Free to change, free to change your mind, free to go, stay, walk away for ever or recommit. Recommitting to a relationship with an active alcoholic? Well you are free to choose that if it's how you want to spend your time.
I got what I wanted...he admitted to his problem and wants to seek help. He wants to work on the marriage.
When I think about what I "want" with my sick codie hat on - which usually involves someone else doing something I want them to, I am often left with a hollow disappointed sort of - that's not really what I wanted feeling when the person appears to be doing what I said I wanted.
If I make decisions based on my needs, my future, my mental health, then I am at peace, and when I achieve my goal or I fix something that was broken I feel satisfaction and strength.
That's why in AlAnon the work, the tools, the steps, are all aimed at getting the focus completely off the alcoholic. Not just in a token way - or in a superficial way - but in a very deep and lasting way. And it takes enormous effort to do it successfully - in fact it takes all that I am! If I am doing it right there is no room for fretting about what if this person does that or what if the alcohol affects this, etc!
Maybe what you really wanted was peace in your life. Serenity. Calm. A predictable and pleasant home life. From your post it sounds like it is just his quacking that is confusing you - I wouldn't want to run back into the arms of that!!
Focus on you. When the thoughts ...but what of he does stop drinking....etc., creep into your mind - banish them. They are all fantasy, they have nothing to do with reality or what you want. GIve yourself the space and freedom to actually change first!
When I am in a panic or a torrent of racing thoughts thinking I have to make an important decision right now it is best that I do nothing...let time pass...more will be revealed.
peace-
b
Wow. There is no scenario of a healthy relationship that involves shackles. Always remember, in each moment, you are free. Free to change, free to change your mind, free to go, stay, walk away for ever or recommit. Recommitting to a relationship with an active alcoholic? Well you are free to choose that if it's how you want to spend your time.
I got what I wanted...he admitted to his problem and wants to seek help. He wants to work on the marriage.
When I think about what I "want" with my sick codie hat on - which usually involves someone else doing something I want them to, I am often left with a hollow disappointed sort of - that's not really what I wanted feeling when the person appears to be doing what I said I wanted.
If I make decisions based on my needs, my future, my mental health, then I am at peace, and when I achieve my goal or I fix something that was broken I feel satisfaction and strength.
That's why in AlAnon the work, the tools, the steps, are all aimed at getting the focus completely off the alcoholic. Not just in a token way - or in a superficial way - but in a very deep and lasting way. And it takes enormous effort to do it successfully - in fact it takes all that I am! If I am doing it right there is no room for fretting about what if this person does that or what if the alcohol affects this, etc!
Maybe what you really wanted was peace in your life. Serenity. Calm. A predictable and pleasant home life. From your post it sounds like it is just his quacking that is confusing you - I wouldn't want to run back into the arms of that!!
Focus on you. When the thoughts ...but what of he does stop drinking....etc., creep into your mind - banish them. They are all fantasy, they have nothing to do with reality or what you want. GIve yourself the space and freedom to actually change first!
When I am in a panic or a torrent of racing thoughts thinking I have to make an important decision right now it is best that I do nothing...let time pass...more will be revealed.
peace-
b
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Thank you for taking the time to post. Your thoughts and suggestions do make sense.
I have another thread going and the message keeps coming back again and again...let him do what he needs/wants to do. I can only take care of and manage myself...to a point...then it's out of my control.
For those of you that said he is quacking and isn't really commited to getting serious about stopping his addiction...BOY WERE YOU RIGHT.
The day I posted this he was promising me everything under the sun. Since then...he has once again said that he doesn't really have a problem and just said that to get me to come back and work on the marriage. He also said that he doesn't understand why I get so bent because he drinks and that he doesn't really want to give it up...but would do it for me. He said he would take the pill and that way I could monitor him.
Are you freaking kidding me? There is so much BS in those words he spoke to me.
1. Yes, he does have a problem with alcohol. Would a sane person break down a door? Try to pull out an over the stove microwave? Bang pots on the counter over and over again? Race people on the street to catch up to them and fight with them because they had the audacity to cut you off in traffic? Hides bottles in the car? Really?
2. Why do I get bent when he drinks? See above...plus his nasty miserable mouth that can't say a nice thing when he's been drinking.
3. Monitor his pill taking so I could make sure he was following his plan? Oh hell no! My raising children days are way over. I am not going to be the pill police. That is a plan for disaster right there. You want to stop...get your sh-- together and get it done.
OK...one last thing. I got a little frightened when he said he wanted to get sober and work things out. I got a feeling of panic and suffocating. I was flipping out about getting pulled back into a situation that I know isn't good...but for the sake of the years we had was willing to try. My gut tells me run...and I always listen to my gut! It has never failed me.
THANK YOU EVERYONE. You simply will never know how much your posts mean to me. I do not feel so alone anymore. There are many of you who live it too.
I have another thread going and the message keeps coming back again and again...let him do what he needs/wants to do. I can only take care of and manage myself...to a point...then it's out of my control.
For those of you that said he is quacking and isn't really commited to getting serious about stopping his addiction...BOY WERE YOU RIGHT.
The day I posted this he was promising me everything under the sun. Since then...he has once again said that he doesn't really have a problem and just said that to get me to come back and work on the marriage. He also said that he doesn't understand why I get so bent because he drinks and that he doesn't really want to give it up...but would do it for me. He said he would take the pill and that way I could monitor him.
Are you freaking kidding me? There is so much BS in those words he spoke to me.
1. Yes, he does have a problem with alcohol. Would a sane person break down a door? Try to pull out an over the stove microwave? Bang pots on the counter over and over again? Race people on the street to catch up to them and fight with them because they had the audacity to cut you off in traffic? Hides bottles in the car? Really?
2. Why do I get bent when he drinks? See above...plus his nasty miserable mouth that can't say a nice thing when he's been drinking.
3. Monitor his pill taking so I could make sure he was following his plan? Oh hell no! My raising children days are way over. I am not going to be the pill police. That is a plan for disaster right there. You want to stop...get your sh-- together and get it done.
OK...one last thing. I got a little frightened when he said he wanted to get sober and work things out. I got a feeling of panic and suffocating. I was flipping out about getting pulled back into a situation that I know isn't good...but for the sake of the years we had was willing to try. My gut tells me run...and I always listen to my gut! It has never failed me.
THANK YOU EVERYONE. You simply will never know how much your posts mean to me. I do not feel so alone anymore. There are many of you who live it too.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh. this
explains this
He's gaslighting you. And yes, it will literally drive you crazy. I had illnesses, chronic ones, that melted away when I left AH and stopped trying to figure him out.
In fact, that's one of my mantras when things get wacko. I say, "Oh that's right. Trying to figure him or this out will make me crazy."
Then I can let go.
(((((((Myawakening))))))))
The day I posted this he was promising me everything under the sun. Since then...he has once again said that he doesn't really have a problem and just said that to get me to come back and work on the marriage.
I feel like I'm losing my mind trying to sort this out.
In fact, that's one of my mantras when things get wacko. I say, "Oh that's right. Trying to figure him or this out will make me crazy."
Then I can let go.
(((((((Myawakening))))))))
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Trans...that is so true. I used to have such pain between my shoulder blades! Once I was settled in my place...they went away. I sleep better too and I'm not snapping at everyone all the time.
You know what is amazing to me? When you look at them with clear eyes...eyes that are new because you are away from the situation...you can really figure out their game. My eyes are becoming clearer. Today I feel stronger than I have in a while and it's all because of him. His flip flopping back and forth...yes I have problem...no I don't. Monitor my pills...were a big help.
You know what is amazing to me? When you look at them with clear eyes...eyes that are new because you are away from the situation...you can really figure out their game. My eyes are becoming clearer. Today I feel stronger than I have in a while and it's all because of him. His flip flopping back and forth...yes I have problem...no I don't. Monitor my pills...were a big help.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You know what is amazing to me? When you look at them with clear eyes...eyes that are new because you are away from the situation...you can really figure out their game. My eyes are becoming clearer. Today I feel stronger than I have in a while and it's all because of him. His flip flopping back and forth...yes I have problem...no I don't.
Nonexistent Willpower
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 439
Originally Posted by myawakening
My raising children days are way over. .
HaHa, I can relate. In my cups noone was able to get through to me what a serious, serious problem I had. I just blew it all off like life was a joke. In fact I had to sit around meetings for a year before I came to grips with the hoplessness and futility of life as I had been living it.
There's an old saying "You can tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell him much." I think the only reason I began to listen is because they didn't tell me anything. They just talked about their own experience, strength, hope.
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