KeepPedaling

I've been trying so hard to distract myself from thinking about him. I find that if I do things that make me nervous or really wear me out, I don't think of him. (I climbed a damn mountain this weekend, seriously - three hours of vertical climb one hour back. It was fun and hard and distracting.) But as soon as I'm home, and my head hits the pillow, I'm back to thinking about him; worrying about him; second guessing myself; wishing I could help him; wondering if I should help him...

Then I'm back here, reading posts, finding comfort in them, finding comfort in the responses, learning how to stay afloat. Some days are harder than others though. I really miss my friend. I feel so sad for him and so sad for the loss of him. I mostly worry about him. Sometimes I worry about me too because I know I'm hanging on. I've got a white-knuckled grip on hope for sure, and even though it's been two months since I've seen him, I don't feel like I can let go.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad tomorrow is Monday.

bookwyrm

:ghug3

Glad you find physical distractions work for you! Time to find some mental distractions for you to use. It is a hard habit to break but you can control your thoughts with a little 'training'! I was taught a mini meditation that really helps me get to sleep when my mind just wants to chatter. Breathing normally, focus on the end of your nose. Feel your breath going in and out and think only about that. Picture any stray thoughts that come into your mind as marching across it and falling off the edge. Focus only on your nose. It was hard to clear my mind but, after several attempts, I got the hang of it and it really helps me quiet my thoughts.

Another method I used when I found myself thinking obsessively about STBXAH (and this will date me) is to imagine the robot from Lost in Space waving his arms at me and shouting 'danger bookwyrm, danger'!

Jadmack25

Sent you a bear to wrestle if that is what it takes to get him out of your head, Girl!

God bless

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I hear you KP. It seems one day I am fine with taking the next step (separation) and the next I am queezy. I too wish I would stop thinking about this situation. It always seems to be there and it is not always, as they say "In the back of your mind". To me, while going through this, it seems to be Front and Center. Be gentle with yourself and try and take the days as they come.

How about another thread, we have now jumped and this is our journey to shore? What will be our shore? Let's see......

My Shore is...

A house with no Drama and Alcoholic free

A new place to start completely NEW

Happy and healthy kids around me because they are no longer on edge wondering when AH is going to have a huge QUACKING SESSION!

PEACE AT LAST


To you KB :ghug3:ghug3

FindingPeace1

Hooray for mtn climbing! Good for the mind AND body!
I agree with bookwrm - meditation is actual practice at letting go of thoughts. Each time you do it you are practicing this skill. That's helpful stuff! There is tons on you tube about meditation and I have previous posts about it, if you are curious.

For me, I have started working on Step 4. WOW! Is there a lifetime of work to do there. If I really am real with it, there's not a lot of space to fuss on him when I am in me, digging myself out.
Of course, I have an AH that doesn't cause too much drama, so he may be easier to detach from than others...

My new favorite saying is from Bernadette, "Put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror."

Wife

Live

Meditation is great! But sometimes I can't get my mind to stay still and focus on that either, what often works for me is to get lost in a good book until I fall asleep, with others it might be tv...anything that you like...and some days the best I could do was to read posts here for hours....which helps train my mind and reinforce my convictions.

NYC_Chick

Hugs KP!

I slept on the couch for a couple of months after I broke up with xabf with the tv on. Not great for sleep, but I found that I didn't feel so alone if I did that. Now I sleep on the couch when I have things to think about. It's small and forces me to isolate to make sense of what is going on with me.

It gets better, especially when you decide to let go. I heard that over and over, but did not want to believe it. Then I finally did it and have never looked back! Baby steps, right?You'll get there!

nodaybut2day

anvilhead...that was awesome!! Now where are my spurs and whip?

KeepPedaling

That's kinda the point though, I'm not able to "move along" yet. He does see the problem. He cried a lot about the problem, saying he thought he was better and now that he's relapsed he's really scared. So singing the theme to rawhide isn't going to make me worry less about my old friend, who is a human being, that I love. Right? Sorry if this sounds snarky, but if I could just "move along" and sing a song, I wouldn't be here.

Thanks for the input though. Thanks everyone for the input. I'll look into some meditation methods and see if that helps. I don't know. It's all just really hard.

I think, for me, you just don't abandon your friends when they need you. He's asked for help, but I don't know how to help an alcoholic recover. I only know how to protect myself from alcoholics, and thats to stay away from them. I wish I were stronger emotionally, so I could talk to him when he needed me to be there, but not have it hurt ME so much at the same time.

Thanks.

Meeko

Hey Pedaling,

I can so relate to your experience. What you have just posted is what I felt. The thing is I am an alcoholic in recovery myself who has a pretty good idea on how to get sober and I could not help him because he DID NOT want my help even though he said how he needed help!!! Go figure. He would call everyone except me to ball about his drinking....because he knew once he told me I would hold up the mirror to him. Even though he knew what he was doing was not working for him - he was still in denial because he was not getting the proper help.

Anyway this man is an adult and he does not need you to help him get sober. If he wants to get sober he will do so on his own. Trust me. If anything him being alone is the best thing for him. I know for me once people started not wanting to have anything to do with me when I was drinking that is when I thought oh I need help and sought it out and did whatever it took to get sober. I did not need anyone to hold my hand.

You don't know what the future will bring. Hang in there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it does get easier. Trust me. I still think about my ex once in a while (not near as I used to) but at the same time I know if he gets his act together and he cared about me like he said...well he knows how to find me.

Hang in there!!!!

KeepPedaling

Thank you so much Meeko. Your perspective, as a recovering alcoholic is soooooo helpful. Thank you! The last time we spoke, he said he was going to AA again and that he planned to stop drinking when school started again, which is today actually. I know that MY life, despite the missing him and worrying, has become less stressful by not having any contact with him. On bad days, I think I've abandoned him. On good days, I think it's good for him to be without me (alone) for the reasons you stated, but also because he can focus on school and recovery. He always said that I made him feel bad and guilty because he hurt me so much. I doubt feeling like that makes recovery any easier.

Thanks again.

KeepPedaling

Thanks Anvil. I'm sorry if I sounded short. I'm just feeling all bruised and worried and miserable today. Frustrated. It doesn't help that the rain won't stop! Thanks for confirming that I'm doing the right thing. It's hard NOT to feel like an abandoner. I was raised to be one of those true blue type friends, so I feel responsible to help sometimes when I see one of them hurting. It's a fine line between a true blue friend and a codependent. I'm learning how to recognize and define the difference between each of those in this forum, with everyone helping me.

I get what you're saying and really do appreciate it. It makes me feel better. You guys really are the best, you know?

Still Waters

One day at a time right? Maybe one hour at a time, or even one minute.

I have to force those thoughts out of my head, over and over. I picture them in there, like a big angry red face yakking away yak yak yak, and I picture me kicking them in the butt, kick kick kick. Get OUT of my head. And they go away for a while and next thing I know, they're back and I'm kicking red butt again.

Eventually they stay gone longer and longer.

I should keep my day job and not attempt to write a self help book, this I know for sure.

Live

LOL Still waters! day job and self-help books!

we do not do anyone any help by allowing them to harm us....and when it gets to the point that it is intruding on our functioning..such as sleep when needed, that is harm.

LaTeeDa

By the end of my marriage, our relationship was more like parent/child than wife/husband. It is such an insidious thing, I don't even really know if it started with me rescuing, or him being needy. All I know is the more I "helped" the more he needed "help."

In learning my part in the alcoholic/codependent dance, I learned that I had perpetuated the problem. By treating him as helpless, incompetent, unable to take care of himself, I reinforced those feelings in him. It made us both sick. Now that I recognize that, I have no desire to be a mom to anyone other than my children.

L

barb dwyer

KP-

maybe it's time to re-arrange the furniture,
throw out or pack up those 'rememberances' lying around...
put the dishes in different cabinets, even...

because -
it sounds to me as if the moment you get home -
it's still all 'around this guy'.

Couch in the same place.
Same lamps.
Same stuff on the desk...
...whatever.

Go grab some second hand store tables,
donate ones you don't like -

change the place so it's not a walk-in photo album
of a relationship
that truly never was.

Kick out the imaginary man, hon.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Meeko

I understand you miss him and care about him. I understand the fact that you feel as though you are abandoning him. I understand that you think about putting all you needs and wants on the back burner for him because you want help to get better. I get that. But listen after awhile of doing this....it gets boring. You will get resentful and he will get resentful too after while. He will begin to feel you don't understand him, he will begin to feel resentful as he has to act a certain way etc. It is not right but I know the mind of an active alcoholic. And then whatever you had will no longer be because you will both be full of anger with each other!!

So hang in there. If this man is serious about getting help, he will seek it out and do what he has to do. And really the best help for an alcoholic is another alcoholic in recovery (AA is great). It is hard to profess such deep, dark feelings to someone you are romatically involved with. Because usually there is some heavy work that needs to be done in recovery. Give it some time and space. It is the best thing you can do for you and him. Hang in there. You feelings are normal. Every day you will get a little bit better even though you might not notice it you are! And letting him go so he can heal from this sickness does not make you any less of a caring and compassionate person it actually makes you more of a caring person because you are looking after you and him.

You have helped me too! I can so relate to your experience and I just want you to have hope for better days.

Hugs to you.

tigger11

aHA - just caught Still Waters writing more then 2 sentences. You RATE Keep Pedaling!

Still Waters

I am a wordthrift :P

Live

Lmao