Happy to wrestle a bear to NOT to think about him
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
. I picture them in there, like a big angry red face yakking away yak yak yak, and I picture me kicking them in the butt, kick kick kick. Get OUT of my head.
I love it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
Hi KP,
It helps me so much to read that you are in the same place as me right now. My ExBF is in such a bad place now. Even though he is sober, about everything else is wrong with his life. He is sorting out things like taxes that he screwed up over the past years. No job, he lives off money he gets from his dad.
When I don't hear from him I worry. When he shows up at my door all I can feel is annoyance and pity. He comes over and wants a meal and then he wants to grope me and have sex. I have told him many times NO, although I do feed him.
I feel tremendous guilt in not helping him out with things. Like you, I am a true blue friend. I learned this from another friend who I have known since high school - the kind of guy who will help anyone out. But he is not codependent and doesn't get stuck in bad situations. When he has a crazy girlfriend he dumped her and no looking back.
A couple of things I learned from the good people here and from my therapist:
Helping someone out all the time deprives them of the learning experience they get from doing it themselves. My therapist gave me the example of a kid learning to tie their shoelaces. If you always do it for them they never learn how to do it themselves.
Adults are responsible for their own lives. I cannot be responsible for my ex's life, even if he screws it up or kills himself. And I am responsible for my own life. If something is not going right it is up to me to fix it or find the right help I need.
I feel like my ex is using me like he did when he was drinking. Then he mostly wanted money but now he wants me to help him sell stuff on ebay (using my account!) and things like that. I have to think long and hard about taking on anything that involves a risk to me or my reputation.
Oh yeah, my ex came for lunch on Christmas Day but didn't stay (thank goodness). I wasn't strong enough to not invite him but it worked out ok. He didn't invite me when he went to visit his parents a couple of days later (something I always used to do). I probably would have said no anyway.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It really helps me.
Spinner
It helps me so much to read that you are in the same place as me right now. My ExBF is in such a bad place now. Even though he is sober, about everything else is wrong with his life. He is sorting out things like taxes that he screwed up over the past years. No job, he lives off money he gets from his dad.
When I don't hear from him I worry. When he shows up at my door all I can feel is annoyance and pity. He comes over and wants a meal and then he wants to grope me and have sex. I have told him many times NO, although I do feed him.
I feel tremendous guilt in not helping him out with things. Like you, I am a true blue friend. I learned this from another friend who I have known since high school - the kind of guy who will help anyone out. But he is not codependent and doesn't get stuck in bad situations. When he has a crazy girlfriend he dumped her and no looking back.
A couple of things I learned from the good people here and from my therapist:
Helping someone out all the time deprives them of the learning experience they get from doing it themselves. My therapist gave me the example of a kid learning to tie their shoelaces. If you always do it for them they never learn how to do it themselves.
Adults are responsible for their own lives. I cannot be responsible for my ex's life, even if he screws it up or kills himself. And I am responsible for my own life. If something is not going right it is up to me to fix it or find the right help I need.
I feel like my ex is using me like he did when he was drinking. Then he mostly wanted money but now he wants me to help him sell stuff on ebay (using my account!) and things like that. I have to think long and hard about taking on anything that involves a risk to me or my reputation.
Oh yeah, my ex came for lunch on Christmas Day but didn't stay (thank goodness). I wasn't strong enough to not invite him but it worked out ok. He didn't invite me when he went to visit his parents a couple of days later (something I always used to do). I probably would have said no anyway.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It really helps me.
Spinner
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
