JACKRUSSELLGIRL

My AH keeps trying to get me to back off on the separation. I have made up my mind and I do not want to live with him anymore. Once again he did the cycle of being sober for a few days and started again and tried to hide it. I am just done with the whole thing. I have been working on myself and do not engage when he is drunk. I am just tired of living with an unpredictable A.

He says he will move out but does not. He has a list of apartments and I said get the paperwork and I will write the check. I am not going to be stupid enough to give an active A @ $5k to get the apartment and everything he needs for start up. Let's face it, he would blow the money and I'd still be stuck with him living in our home.

I am wondering if anyone else went through this and how did they handle getting their AH to leave the house? My youngest daughter graduates next year, Thank God and I can sell this house any any ties to him. I have to somehow get through this next year.

Still Waters

No advice for you, sorry to say, but I'm thinking about you. I know how difficult it is to live with the madness.

Hang in there.

WizeDeb

Took me three long hellish weeks to get mine out. I was trying resonable about the whole thing but it didnt work. What worked was I litterly freaked out. Told him if he made me and my daughter (who graduates this year) move, I would never speak to him again. I started packing my stuff. For some reason that worked. We stayed with friends for a week and I came back and he finally agreed to leave.

naive

i don't think you can make anyone else do anything.

can you come up with a plan that doesn't involve him?

a plan where YOU take action? that, you can control.

if you feel comfortable, why don't you tell us some more particulars about your situation, like whose name is on the deed and the mortgage, etc. then, we can brainstorm together.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

We have been married 21 years and both names are on the deed. I have one more year until my youngest graduates high school and I am defintely selling the house. I am just trying to get through this last year but this is progressive and I do not want to live with it anymore. He had a DUI last February and stopped drinking until this fall. I noticed he was trying to hide it. His court case is still pending.

I am thinking maybe a legal separation. Does anyone know about that?

Thanks for everyones help!!

Carol Star

In Va. it takes a year for a divorce if you have kids. If you write your own seperation agreement you both agree to it costs alot less. $400. for me total. I filed. He didn't pay anything. He wrote the seperation agreement and it was fair so I signed it. If a lawyer writes that it can get expensive. I know someone who filed the papers herself without the lawyer. If you have no kids it takes 6 months.You take a witness to the fact that you haven't lived together. Most is done in the mail and not too bad.

pray4joy

There are different laws in each state regarding this... I know I used to live in CT where it was far easier to have the authorities involved with getting an alcoholic to move out (following a violent row!) Now I live in TX and the laws seem not to support that.

Check into what your rights are first if he doesn't leave willingly.

naive

jackrussellgirl, a year seems like a long time to wait to get on with your own life. if he already has a dui and is still drinking, many bad things could happen in one year.

regarding legal separation for massachusettes:

"Massachusetts recognizes legal separation, and may make orders relative to the support of the married person and the care, custody and maintenance of minor children. The court may revise and alter such judgment or make a new order or judgment as the circumstances of the parents or the benefit of the children may require. [Based on the General Laws of Massachusetts Chapter 209-32]"

from: Massachusetts Divorce Laws - Massachusetts State Divorce Laws

it also states that grounds for divorce can be granted for alcohol abuse.

perhaps it would be a good time to start documenting events as best as you can recall and keeping a journal of his drinking. you'll need to prove it.

might be time to consult a lawyer and understand your rights.

as for your high school daughter, another year of living with an active alcoholic might cause more damage than relocating to a peaceful apartment with you.

naive

tjp613

If I were you I'd make an appointment with an attorney ASAP (like tomorrow!) to find out what would happen to your chances of ending up with the house in a settlement if you were to move to an apartment until the divorce is final, then I'd go apartment hunting.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I did speak to an attorney and he said Mass does not have a Legal Separation but Spousal Support. He said I would have to file for Divorce and I am not at that point yet. I want to start with a separation and I have to find away to get him to move out. I am going to address it again today and will look into more legal advise.

Thanks All!!!

pray4joy

Check with another attorney or State Agency...some attorneys have no scruples and are only after $$...do beware.

Jazzman

I had the option of filing for sole use of the martial home, but that was after I pulled the trigger on filing for divorce. If you're not yet at that point than maybe pulling a WizeDeb move would be worth a try?

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I found the Spousal Support form online and filled it out. This allows me to request living in separate residence and child support for the kids. I filled it out and where it ask for the reason for living apart, I wrote "The defendant has an alcohol addiction and will not seek treatment. His behavior is unhealthy for him and his family". It felt weird calling him "defendant" and I do not want to do the legal route but feel I will have to.

I left him the form with a note saying that I did not want to have to go through the courts to separate but if he will not move out I will have to. He was all emotional and said I swear I will never drink again and I said I have heard that before. He said I stopped for many months and I promise I will do it for good this time.

bookwyrm

Quack, quack, quack...

:ghug3

naive

why don't you go ahead and file that form?

if he only quits when threatened with your departure, it is highly unlikely he will follow thru. he might quit for a while, just to manipulate the situation.

if he really wants to quit, he can certainly do so. even while you are file for legal separation.

FindingPeace1

JackR- No one has paused to say
HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY FOR YOU!

You are setting boundaries/protecting yourself. Nice job, woman!

Don't give up. Even if he professes to quit or quits you have BEEN THERE DONE THAT! Keep on moving in positive directions for YOU!
If he truly does quit, a year from now, or sometime in the future, you will see the fruits of it and be able to reevaluate then.

Hugs