living with a 'dry' alcoholic ...please shed some light

Old 01-03-2010, 01:18 AM
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Sim
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living with a 'dry' alcoholic ...please shed some light

hi all ,

im hoping some of you could help ... ??

my partner of 10 years is in recovery and attends AA / NA meetings ... has been on and off for the last , say , 7 years ... has been completely sober for a year , last week .

at the start of our relationship , we partied together , had a tonne of fun until i fell pregnant . the pregnancy turned my world around , made me see through the haze and i stopped all vices to try and become a great mum . we now have 2 amazing girls aged 7 and 5 and give thanks every day for them .

my partner tried to stay sober through out , would relapse occasionally , but he really did try to get help not to drink / drug , and overcome his addictions .

i have recently been trawling these forums in hope i would find someone with a similar problem and have come across the term ' dry' alcoholic . this term fits him perfectly - even though he doesnt drink and drug - there seems to be no joy in his world , he lives in a distant bubble , is FULL of resentment towards EVERYBODY and thinks the grass is greener in everybody elses world , ESPECIALLY if they can drink .

i continually try to boost him up , tell him how fabulous he is ( because he REALLY is ) , buy him books that will help him find his joy , buy him cds he can listen to whilst working . he resents all this and grows even more distant and gets angry .

i know my approach isnt working and tells me that he cant take advice from me because we are emotionally involved . we ve constantly argued for about 6 months now . my patience has suddenly just dissolved .
today it came to a head , and he s moved out indefinately . its our daughters 5th birthday tomorrow and im gutted for them but feel a small sense of relief for myself . so im sitting here wondering if anyone out there can shed some light ....

why does he find it SO SO SO hard to surrender to step 1 ???

why does he love and feel comfort from his misery ???

why does he resist recovery ??? ( i read a passage of Louise Hays the other day on 'resistance to change ' and felt it fit him like a glove . he completely agreed then cancelled a meeting with his sponser who he continuously avoids because they just dont click .

does any one have any advice ? i hope i explained the situation enough and it wasnt too long winded . many thanks to all in advance . i really want this kind beautiful man back , but want him to SEE THAT HE HAS THE GREENEST PASTURES OF ALL !

x m
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Old 01-03-2010, 01:43 AM
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Welcome!

Have you taken time to read through the 'stickied' threads at the top of the forum? There is a wealth of information there that I found really useful when I first found this forum. One of the first things I picked up is the three C's:

You did not cause the addiction
You cannot control the addiction
You cannot cure the addiction

As much as you would like to 'make' your partner see the error of his ways, you can't! It took me ages to realise this. I drove myself insane thinking if only I found the right words, the right actions I could change him. I only have that kind of power over myself.

Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? I found it to be an amazing read. It gave me so much insight into the alcoholic 'dance' I was involved in with STBXAH (soon to be X alcoholic husband) and tools in helping me change how I acted around him. 'Getting them Sober vol 1' is another book I found useful.

More people will be along to share their strength, experience and wisdom with you - I have found this forum to be a great resource and support. Stick around and you might find it be too!
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Old 01-03-2010, 01:56 AM
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thank you thank you thank you for your reply , i greatly appreciate it . ive just read some of the threads in 'best of sober recovery ' - wow wee !!!!!!!!!!

i guess i completely play the blame game ( i blame his upbringing and today accused him of transferring his HATE for his mum ,onto me ) and i continually rack my brain to think if only i could find the right words .

ive tired al-anon in the past , and coming from a smallish city , most of the members seemed to be older ladies that had been battered physically and emotionally for years and i thought my story was not 'bad' enough because he never physically abused me .

so i should read read and read some more and rejoin al anon ?

how do i explain to the kids dads not going to be here for the bithday party tomorrow ?

many thanks x
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:09 AM
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This is my first post here but I decided to reply because the original post reminded me so much of my own family situation when I was a child. My father was an alcoholic who got sober when I was about 11 years old. After getting sober he became a classic "dry drunk."

There is nothing worse than a dry drunk. They are angry, nasty, bitter human beings. Not everyone who quits drinking follows this pattern, but I think the ones who do are the ones who are more likely to have had some sort of serious underlying psychological problems to begin with. You mentioned him hating his mother, my father was the same way. HUGE issues from childhood that he had never dealt with that ended up manifesting as just generalized rage at the entire world.

My dad eventually improved -- dramtically, although it wasn't until years later and after many years of therapy and being placed on medication, and also I think just getting older and mellowing out a little. Before he "got help" I honestly think that he was worse as a dry drunk than he ever was as an active drinker.
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:45 AM
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thanks for your reply cobra , we can be newbies together .

i remember those dark awful days of his drinking and remeber thinking if only he would stop .

and now , in this last year of his sobriety , ive thought , if only he could be happy .

i was so isolated back then , so absolutely miserable in my situation , shut out al of my friends and family so they couldnt see what was going on . now im getting out there , reaching out for once instead of trying to do it alone .

i really think this forum will be such an amazing place for support and healing .
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Old 01-03-2010, 03:38 AM
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I was a dry drunk my first 8 months of sobriety. I was going to AA, but I was only physically in the rooms, nothing was happening in my head. I was angry and miserable, because I had not started to address all the reasons why I drank. I was a dry drunk but didn't even know what that meant.

It is a very difficult challenge to do that, because it means that we have to face ourselves and acknowledge our faults. Nothing really started happening to me until I started working the steps.

So many have said it before and it was very true in my case, a dry drunk is in a terrible place because to simply not drink doesn't mean you are sober. Staying sober means taking a personal journey of self-development, that isn't always easy.

Step three was a real whingdinger for me because I was firmly convinced everything was everyone else's fault, and never mine.

All you can do is suggest a plan and a program. AA or one of the many alternatives to AA. Outpatient rehab, or inpatient. He really does have a lot of options, but it has to be his choice.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:07 AM
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There is no such thing as a dry drunk. You are either dry or drunk. That being said, drinking typically masks all sorts or psychological, physical, and emotional problems. After all most of us were drinking for some "reason". Typically we want to point at issues we can see as the issue that causes the drinking, but more often it is the unseen issues that are the problem. When a person quits drinking the first thing that happens is that the body will begin to heal somewhat. There are however emotional problems that may still be left that have never been dealt with. If a person only stops drinking then these problems will likely remain. Depression is also often a "cause" of problem drinking. If a person is depressed they will remain depressed without some form of treatment. Proper diet, rest and exercise, exercise, exercise will help with most of these problems. It also takes work on socialization skills to help a person become comfortable sober. There are many people who have never taken a drink and they are angry, miserable, and awful to be around. Are they on a dry drunk? No, they are just angry, miserable, and awful to be around. To change, to get better a person has to want to. Unfortunately, there are many of us that quit drinking and say, "I quit drinking what more do you want?". These problems people have after quitting drinking have less to do with drinking than the drinking had to do with having these problems in the first place.
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Old 01-03-2010, 04:52 AM
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Thanks totfit: that was an excellent explanation of what a dry drunk is. There is a reason why AA uses the expression dry drunk. You have gone on in your post to explain that underlying problems are not removed by alcohol abstinance. You explained that we have to solve those problems to move on in recovery.
Maybe the term "dry drunk" is blunt or annoying, but, it's a real thing as far as I'm concerned, I know I didn't make any progress in recovery until I looked at the "underlying issues".
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Old 01-03-2010, 07:53 AM
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Oh yes, dry drunk is definitely a real thing. My AH is one, and is a miserable, narcissistic, abusive human being.

If the crazy behavior and insane thought processes are still present when alcohol is no longer in the picture, you have a dry drunk.

I found it impossible to live with one.
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Old 01-03-2010, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Oh yes, dry drunk is definitely a real thing. My AH is one, and is a miserable, narcissistic, abusive human being.

If the crazy behavior and insane thought processes are still present when alcohol is no longer in the picture, you have a dry drunk.

I found it impossible to live with one.
About two months ago, my XABF gave me my suitcases and asked me to leave. We had been together nearly six and a half years, and the first year he was a blackout drunk, smoked entirely too much weed, and was above all very emotionally distant. He decided to quit drinking and drugs about five years ago, and I thought that was amazing! Over the last five years, however, I have come to realize that even with the absence of liquor and weed, he still had all the isms. He was still the empty, emotionally absent jerk that he was when he was still using. When he handed me my suitcases, he had been working a good program (AA), had a sponsor, and finally had a job. Three things I never would have thought I would see him get.

It's been through zero contact with him over the last two months, that I have come to realize that dry drunks exist, and they are some of the most miserable people. I went to an AA speaker meeting a few weeks ago, and the speaker had been dry for eight years, and said that he did everything he could to substitute in for alcohol...sex, relationships, going to the gym obsessively, working an insane number of hours at work... anything besides actually working a program.

Sim, do yourself a favor, go to Al-Anon immediately and also, seek out some open AA meetings. I found those to be particularly helpful in understanding their side, and I also gained some compassion for them, which I didn't have before...I only had pity for him and them.

Now's the time to work on you, and for you to understand that you can't cure, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and finally, you can contribute to it.

MUCH LOVE!
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