This.too.shall.pass
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
This.too.shall.pass
Hey, friends,
Just an update.
AH has been home for the weekend (F-Sun). We both want to spend time together and don't. Neither of us want to make eye contact or say anything to have it get ugly again. It has been a roller coaster with him snotty then nice (mostly grumpy/sullen/depressed) with some sweetness sprinkled in.
I came clean with the fact that I have applied to a 3 year job in Alaska (which he was encouraging me to apply to in the way that he does where its kind of to push me away and kind of because he knows it would make me happy and kind of to test to see if I'll go - you know that kind of encouragement?) Anyway, I was afraid of his reaction, but I told him I applied (he said nothing).
I told him I didn't know where it was going and it might be done, but I am giving it the 6 months we had talked about. (I felt AWESOME about speaking truth. He said nothing.)
I told him it was unacceptable for me to be in a relationship with someone that regrets when he shares his feelings or asks for help.
I also told him I had a therapy appointment on Wed. and that part of my work is to see more of MY responsiblity in the breakdown of our marriage.
He told me I didn't give him enough room for mistakes and I was too reactionary. I thanked him for giving me something to think about (I need that, although it might be crap, it might be true, too. I can look at it.)
On a good note,
I did some tiling and some knitting (yah!).
We had a fun time today xc skiing and then he came to bed to watch a movie with a cup of hot chocolate. I took his cup to take a sip and it had liquor in it. I sat there quiet, not knowing what to do. He could tell something was up, but didn't want to admit anything if I didn't put two and two together. Finally, I said, "I don't know whether to be happy you are drinking in the open or mad that you broke your own promise to stop."
He immediately flipped out. Marched into the kitchen muttering and tossed the cup (which broke) into the sink. When he came back in, he said, "I didn't know it was such a big deal. A dash of brandy. That's all."
"You didn't know - seriously?" I asked.
"Fine! Sorry I didn't know your detailed plan! No alcohol at all!"
"This is all wrong," I said, "I don't want to dictate to you what to do. I am bothered by the broken promise that you set up yourself to stop."
He had no reply. He went into the living room to set up the futon muttering, "F**k you."
After a bit of laying in bed wondering what was next, I went in to him. F**k me for what? I asked. Silence.
"Who is this angry husband? Where did my other husband go?"
Silence.
He went to bed out there.
No, I'm not surprised. I mean, the part of me that can't believe it all still is surprised by everything. The part of me that has learned from you is accepting. More of the same.
I change weather by the second, but I am in a place of compassion for his suffering and my predicament (and for ALL your suffering and/or predicaments) and love for the fragile beings we all are.
This too shall pass. In fact, going out skiing lately, I am amazed EVERY DAY how the snow is so different. Changing. Changing. Changing. Just like life, situations, us. It has been a great time till now. Now, our relationship is changing. It is, as my meditation teacher would say, a 'choiceless observation'. I watched the rest of my movie and snuggled with the dog. A nice end to the evening, regardless.
Peace to you all in 2010.
Wife
Just an update.
AH has been home for the weekend (F-Sun). We both want to spend time together and don't. Neither of us want to make eye contact or say anything to have it get ugly again. It has been a roller coaster with him snotty then nice (mostly grumpy/sullen/depressed) with some sweetness sprinkled in.
I came clean with the fact that I have applied to a 3 year job in Alaska (which he was encouraging me to apply to in the way that he does where its kind of to push me away and kind of because he knows it would make me happy and kind of to test to see if I'll go - you know that kind of encouragement?) Anyway, I was afraid of his reaction, but I told him I applied (he said nothing).
I told him I didn't know where it was going and it might be done, but I am giving it the 6 months we had talked about. (I felt AWESOME about speaking truth. He said nothing.)
I told him it was unacceptable for me to be in a relationship with someone that regrets when he shares his feelings or asks for help.
I also told him I had a therapy appointment on Wed. and that part of my work is to see more of MY responsiblity in the breakdown of our marriage.
He told me I didn't give him enough room for mistakes and I was too reactionary. I thanked him for giving me something to think about (I need that, although it might be crap, it might be true, too. I can look at it.)
On a good note,
I did some tiling and some knitting (yah!).
We had a fun time today xc skiing and then he came to bed to watch a movie with a cup of hot chocolate. I took his cup to take a sip and it had liquor in it. I sat there quiet, not knowing what to do. He could tell something was up, but didn't want to admit anything if I didn't put two and two together. Finally, I said, "I don't know whether to be happy you are drinking in the open or mad that you broke your own promise to stop."
He immediately flipped out. Marched into the kitchen muttering and tossed the cup (which broke) into the sink. When he came back in, he said, "I didn't know it was such a big deal. A dash of brandy. That's all."
"You didn't know - seriously?" I asked.
"Fine! Sorry I didn't know your detailed plan! No alcohol at all!"
"This is all wrong," I said, "I don't want to dictate to you what to do. I am bothered by the broken promise that you set up yourself to stop."
He had no reply. He went into the living room to set up the futon muttering, "F**k you."
After a bit of laying in bed wondering what was next, I went in to him. F**k me for what? I asked. Silence.
"Who is this angry husband? Where did my other husband go?"
Silence.
He went to bed out there.
No, I'm not surprised. I mean, the part of me that can't believe it all still is surprised by everything. The part of me that has learned from you is accepting. More of the same.
I change weather by the second, but I am in a place of compassion for his suffering and my predicament (and for ALL your suffering and/or predicaments) and love for the fragile beings we all are.
This too shall pass. In fact, going out skiing lately, I am amazed EVERY DAY how the snow is so different. Changing. Changing. Changing. Just like life, situations, us. It has been a great time till now. Now, our relationship is changing. It is, as my meditation teacher would say, a 'choiceless observation'. I watched the rest of my movie and snuggled with the dog. A nice end to the evening, regardless.
Peace to you all in 2010.
Wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
When he gets like this he is self-derogatory and angry. He insists I don't love him. For me to acknowledge my feelings and speak truth about what I see makes him so mad.
This is a self reminder that I am okay and moving toward
honesty and Truth
courage
growth
self-definition
in the face of opposition
all done in love
This is a self reminder that I am okay and moving toward
honesty and Truth
courage
growth
self-definition
in the face of opposition
all done in love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Found this on the Best Of page...
6) Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
aww, crap.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Okay. But tell me this. If I just focus on me, isn't that like pretending all this crap isn't happening? What about my feelings about his lying, etc? I can do this, but what is the difference between this and my self deception? I mean, in a way, I have appreciated me talking about this monster (before I denied) and now I can see a whole new side of him I didn't know was there, or didn't think would ever turn towards me. So, that makes me feel like my choices are making sense. Does that make sense? When I leave it alone, he is great and makes me want to stay. When I address it, he's obnoxious and fuels me to keep coming here, going to therapy, etc.
Oh, man! Preferring his depression/anger is unhealthy, too!
What I have been trying to do is focus on me and speak the truth to him - my feelings about his behavior. I am trying to do that in a gentle, non-judgmental, loving way...but maybe I am off base to bring it up at all?
What do you all think?
6) Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.
aww, crap.
10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Okay. But tell me this. If I just focus on me, isn't that like pretending all this crap isn't happening? What about my feelings about his lying, etc? I can do this, but what is the difference between this and my self deception? I mean, in a way, I have appreciated me talking about this monster (before I denied) and now I can see a whole new side of him I didn't know was there, or didn't think would ever turn towards me. So, that makes me feel like my choices are making sense. Does that make sense? When I leave it alone, he is great and makes me want to stay. When I address it, he's obnoxious and fuels me to keep coming here, going to therapy, etc.
Oh, man! Preferring his depression/anger is unhealthy, too!
What I have been trying to do is focus on me and speak the truth to him - my feelings about his behavior. I am trying to do that in a gentle, non-judgmental, loving way...but maybe I am off base to bring it up at all?
What do you all think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
So true. Wanting change is so insidious! It's so woven into me! Every thing I say...
If I am to do these 6 months...why? I feel like I am at a stalemate and I don't accept the relationship on the terms it is on (that I can't change).
If I am truly *allowing* him as is, I am letting him be and not b*tching about him here.
AWWWW THIS IS HARRRRRDDDD!!!
Whew. Okay.
If I am to do these 6 months...why? I feel like I am at a stalemate and I don't accept the relationship on the terms it is on (that I can't change).
If I am truly *allowing* him as is, I am letting him be and not b*tching about him here.
AWWWW THIS IS HARRRRRDDDD!!!
Whew. Okay.
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