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Rough Night

Old 01-02-2010, 07:58 PM
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Rough Night

I feel like I have been posting alot lately....but this is such a "intense" time in my relationship.
AH is really stepping up his manipulation and games about the whole being "kicked out" thing. Poor him does nothave a place to live. Poor him has nothing. Poor him, and his "self righteous wife who could care less about whether or not he has shelter or food." Guilt - yep got that...I had it before he started in with this today. But, at the same time, while he goes over and over saying this, and how I have no regard for him as I kicked him out - he totaly looks over the issues that he has no regard for me....let's see in our relationship he has physically threatened me, threatened to kill me more than once, pushed me down, verbally and mentally abused me...and yet I have no regard for him? WOW....and apparentely he believes I need help! He used to be able to pull me into that guilt game.....but when I type here and read what I just typed about what he has done, then I know I am right!!! I appreciate you all listening and commenting - even though it seems like we go through the same things over and over, but it is a learning process....so I am getting there working through all of this! I feel bad that he has no "home" presently, and is staying with a friend....that would suck I agree....but he has shown now 1 sign of acknowledging the boundaries I put in place or my feelings...so while feeling guilty, I do not feel wrong.
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Old 01-02-2010, 08:11 PM
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Ok, he is not living there. I have to ask, 'why do you continue to do the dance?'

Why not go 'No Contact' for a while. You do not have to continue to engage in the SAME OLD CONVERSATION ad nauseum every day.

Just wondering.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-02-2010, 08:15 PM
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:30 PM
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I would like to suggest you call your local domestic violence center and make an appointment with them. "Even" verbal abuse has devastating effects that can leave lasting scars and impair our functioning. Getting in touch with them was the best counseling I have had...and I have been seeing counselors off and on for over 20 years!
The best thing you can do for both of you is to start taking really good care of yourself. You deserve it!
hugs,
live
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Old 01-03-2010, 03:37 AM
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I know I keep hearing about the No Contact thing, and I don't know why but that makes me really nervous. He has quite a temper, and no doubt this would set him off. Not to mention, I don' tneed him so stop paying the bills he pays...which I can definately see him doing....so that worries me....it may very well come to that though.
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Old 01-03-2010, 05:58 AM
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I highly recommend a trial period of "No Contact". It was the only way I could detach long enough to listen to my inner voice without all the chaos.

I set a goal for myself, like: "I will not take his calls or read his texts for 3 days."
I took it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I had to keep reminding myself why I was doing this and re-focusing my attention on myself and my children. It is difficult! I was accustomed to spending all my energy and thoughts on him and his reactions. It takes longer than 3 days to retrain your brain to focus on your own personal needs, but it is a healthy beginning.

Give yourself three days of no contact and let us know how you feel.
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Old 01-03-2010, 07:52 AM
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I agree, having no contact gives you a chance to figure out your own needs, feelings and thoughts. It really does work. I have a no contact rule. Emergencies, bills or our daughter other than that I do not accept calls. I have the same issue, poor poor pity him. If you dont get off the merry go round your head will keep spinning out. Not saying its easy but it works.
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Old 01-03-2010, 08:09 AM
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i agree. no contact for a while and let the dust settle.

as for remaining in contact so that he pays the bills he pays, in all liklihood, he'll stop paying them anyway, regardless of whether you speak to him.
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Old 01-03-2010, 03:41 PM
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How are you doing today?
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Old 01-03-2010, 05:06 PM
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Better today...I suppose although we did talk because our daughter is sick and I needed him to go get her medicine so I didn't have to take her out of the house. He did go get me her medicine and bring it over. He stayed for a while and played w/ her, I kinda did my own thing...we really didn't converse. He wanted to talk earlier today and wanted me to apologize for kicking him out....I told him that I was sorry he had to stay with a friend, but that I am not sorry for doing it....and told him that I didn't feel I had a choice. He told me to F off at that....(of course that was before I had to ask him to get medicine). But anyway, I'm not sure where the light is at the end of this tunnel....so I'm just going to step back a little and take it a little at a time.
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Old 01-03-2010, 05:13 PM
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Mentally - Have you called a domestic abuse hotline for counseling? Going no contact can be dangerous with an abusive partner as they step up their efforts at control.

Please call tonight when he's not around.... State Resources << Violence Against Women << womenshealth.gov
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Old 01-04-2010, 05:29 AM
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Mentallyexh, your story is similar to mine. I kicked out my ex too, he was also very abusive. He tried to threaten me when he felt I was pulling away. He would stand over me in a hostile manner when I used the phone so that I couldn't talk freely, he told me that he would have my dad murdered if I went to my family for help (he knew some pretty rough and dangerous people from his use of drugs so I believed that threat).

When I kicked him out, I was blessed that he decided to move up to Scotland a 5 hour drive from me. He too was homeless and lived from sofa to sofa for up to a year. I was still very much under his thrall even though he had left. I kept regular contact, I even wrote him a letter explaining how he had a child who would come to stay weekends so that he could get a house quickly from the council. I then spent months in fear that my lie would be found out and something would happen to me. Thankfully, again, he never used the letter.

I found it difficult to let go. I knew what an unfeeling, cruel and sardonic aggressor he could be, yet I was also still drawn to him. I was suffering from a mix of traumatic bonding and 'shell shock'. Unintentionally, I frequently minimised the abuse I suffered and my mind blocked alot of it out completely, to revisit me in nightmares.

Over the months that followed, I experienced a slow turnaround. I was once again to be blessed by fate. He moved on to someone else and at first he tried to use that relationship as a weapon to hurt me. I believe that when he realised my pain was not as obvious to him or as great as he had wanted to induce he cut me off. His last act to hurt me.

Right through he consistantly accused me of throwing him out with nothing and no where to go, that I had put him in the position even worse than when he had first left home and on and on.

I honestly think he tired of me only because I was increasingly becoming distant and that he found someone else more conveniently situated to move his attentions to.

An abuser does not stop abusing. If you are lucky he will get bored and move on to someone else, if you are not, he can escalate the abuse. If you are worried about this man's temper and having a child together makes no contact that more difficult I would seriously enlist the support and guidance of a women's support shelter or equivalent in your area.

Keep moving forward, you are doing great!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:50 AM
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Now for the tough love talk.

I want to show you how NO Contact works from both sides of the street.

When I need space and time to focus on myself, I need to prevent the drama from entering my sanctuary. That involves not taking phone calls, not reading e-mails, texts and not answering the door for unscheduled visits. Those steps are hard to make. I'm curious about what the other person is feeling, thinking and doing; because that is my codie nature. I am more focused on another persons issues than my own. It's easier to judge his/her actions than to look at my own.

Now for the really hard part of NO Contact (for me): Not picking up the phone, texting, emailing and showing up unannounced in the other person's life. I can justify my need to contact till the moon turns pink, but my true motivation for the contact is not as pretty as a pink moon. In my case, I have to stop myself before I pick up that phone and ask: Why do I want to pull that person into my day? Then I play the tape forward: will I get the outcome I want or will I get the same old - same old.

My desire for contact is usually because I am lonely. Sometimes it is because I want my ex to know that I am having a hard time with the children, pets, plumbing, etc.... I wanted him to know that my life is not a fairy tale just because I have the marital bed to sleep in every night. The reality is that I never could get him to see my side of the relationship when he was in the house, and I still can't get him to see my side of the relationship when he is out of the house. No amount of personal drama in my home will get him to change into the person I want him to be.

It really, really is difficult to maintain NO Contact with a life partner. It is easier, for me, to stop receiving the contact than it is to stop making the contact.

I'm thankful for the times that I have been able to maintain no contact. Yet I also learn more about myself when I have failed to maintain no contact. Progress, not perfection.
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