not taking on his responsibilities
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
not taking on his responsibilities
So, I have been trying to find out what his and what my responsibilities are - so that I won't take on his responsibilities (never really thought I was taking on a lot of his responsibilities, but now I realize that I do from time to time).
Today was the perfect example: he tends to put all his money into alcohol and as a result has a hard time saving up for bills, etc. He didn't have to work yesterday, so he was binging. He just got up and asked if I could give him $1.25 for the bus fair to get to work today. I said, I wouldn't and reminded him that it was his responsibility to make sure he has enough money for his bus fair. He said that if I didn't give him the money, I would have to drive him, I reminded him again that it was his responsibility to get to work - not mine. He then asked if I could please give him $1.25, saying it's just $1.25 and he would give it back to me tonight - no go on my side. He then tried a different route, saying that he gave me $60 yesterday (the amount he needed to give me towards his half of rent cost) and that he didn't have to buy pizza yesterday (which he bought for himself, but shared 1 slice with me). I told him he was right: he did give me $60 for HIS bills and he in fact didn't have to buy pizza yesterday and that he would have the money if he hadn't bought pizza or 2 bottles of vodka yesterday (I said it calmly and stated it as a fact). He said he didn't want to argue, got in the shower, went through all the change he could find and got his bus fair in change, he even said goodbye properly afterwards and gave me a kiss on the forehead (I was pretty surprised that he didn't just storm out in anger).
I did feel guilty for a bit - I suppose most people would, because they want to help if there is a problem that can easily be solved (or is it just me?)... but I am glad I followed through with it.
I also gave him a list of bills that need to be paid in the next month - stating amount and due dates and told him that it is now his responsibility to make sure these bills were getting paid (I will give him my half at the time the bill is being paid). Mainly because I am tired of running after him to give me money all the time and then being accused of taking all his money (as if I was using if for personal entertainment). I know it is both our responsibility to make sure bills are bein paid, BUT I have tried splitting up the responsibility and I have tried to do it my way - both things didn't work. So I figured if he wants to do it his way, he now can. I'm aware that this might mean bills aren't getting paid, but so be it! I'm ok with the outcome - if it means we are getting evicted, then I will get to find a new place for myself!
Am I doing this right? Or am I taking the whole responsibility thing a little too far?
Today was the perfect example: he tends to put all his money into alcohol and as a result has a hard time saving up for bills, etc. He didn't have to work yesterday, so he was binging. He just got up and asked if I could give him $1.25 for the bus fair to get to work today. I said, I wouldn't and reminded him that it was his responsibility to make sure he has enough money for his bus fair. He said that if I didn't give him the money, I would have to drive him, I reminded him again that it was his responsibility to get to work - not mine. He then asked if I could please give him $1.25, saying it's just $1.25 and he would give it back to me tonight - no go on my side. He then tried a different route, saying that he gave me $60 yesterday (the amount he needed to give me towards his half of rent cost) and that he didn't have to buy pizza yesterday (which he bought for himself, but shared 1 slice with me). I told him he was right: he did give me $60 for HIS bills and he in fact didn't have to buy pizza yesterday and that he would have the money if he hadn't bought pizza or 2 bottles of vodka yesterday (I said it calmly and stated it as a fact). He said he didn't want to argue, got in the shower, went through all the change he could find and got his bus fair in change, he even said goodbye properly afterwards and gave me a kiss on the forehead (I was pretty surprised that he didn't just storm out in anger).
I did feel guilty for a bit - I suppose most people would, because they want to help if there is a problem that can easily be solved (or is it just me?)... but I am glad I followed through with it.
I also gave him a list of bills that need to be paid in the next month - stating amount and due dates and told him that it is now his responsibility to make sure these bills were getting paid (I will give him my half at the time the bill is being paid). Mainly because I am tired of running after him to give me money all the time and then being accused of taking all his money (as if I was using if for personal entertainment). I know it is both our responsibility to make sure bills are bein paid, BUT I have tried splitting up the responsibility and I have tried to do it my way - both things didn't work. So I figured if he wants to do it his way, he now can. I'm aware that this might mean bills aren't getting paid, but so be it! I'm ok with the outcome - if it means we are getting evicted, then I will get to find a new place for myself!
Am I doing this right? Or am I taking the whole responsibility thing a little too far?
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I don't think you are taking it too far, and 
for taking these steps, I found it really hard and confusing when I first came here.
Keep in mind that you can't make him be responsible. and therefore, you might want to think about the wisdom of handing him all that cash (not because its enabling etc, but what is the most likely scenario that will play out here?).
I'd maybe think about paying my half directly to the gas/electric/whatever company and tell him the other half is up to him. I'm not sure whether that affords you any legal protection if he doesn't pay, as I don't live where you do, but at least then it's only half the debt.
However, I found myself getting really mired in this sort of detail, I don't think there really is a "right" way. Eventually I had to ask what was up with me that I accepted this sort of a deal as all I was good enough for.
thank you for this post Lotus, I have been struggling today, and you have reminded me of another aspect of my relationship that I had somehow "forgotton": having to take on the financial responsibility and then being passive-aggressively accused of fiddling the books, when in fact I was heavily subsidising him.
for taking these steps, I found it really hard and confusing when I first came here. Keep in mind that you can't make him be responsible. and therefore, you might want to think about the wisdom of handing him all that cash (not because its enabling etc, but what is the most likely scenario that will play out here?).
I'd maybe think about paying my half directly to the gas/electric/whatever company and tell him the other half is up to him. I'm not sure whether that affords you any legal protection if he doesn't pay, as I don't live where you do, but at least then it's only half the debt.
However, I found myself getting really mired in this sort of detail, I don't think there really is a "right" way. Eventually I had to ask what was up with me that I accepted this sort of a deal as all I was good enough for.
thank you for this post Lotus, I have been struggling today, and you have reminded me of another aspect of my relationship that I had somehow "forgotton": having to take on the financial responsibility and then being passive-aggressively accused of fiddling the books, when in fact I was heavily subsidising him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Am I doing this right? Or am I taking the whole responsibility thing a little too far?
Lotus, I think you are doing quite well with this!!
When I started my own efforts in giving back responsbility to my XABF and letting him handle his own consequences, I felt very guilty. I chalked it up to the fact that any time I have had any task or job just dropped into my lap, I felt resentful. I learned by that feeling that doing so to someone else is unjust and unfair and something to feel bad about.
I had to remind myself that grown adults get the priveleges that come with being a grown adult when they do the things that adults are supposed to do, like support themselves and their family, pay their way, pay their taxes etc. etc. To give back a responsiblity that has been slipped on you or that you have taken out of a compulsion to help is not the same at all. You are letting a grown adult be a grown adult.
You've made an effort certainly to assist him in getting the bills paid this time around. All you've left him is the task of throwing his money in and licking the stamp on the envelope. To the average person, this should be easy for him to follow through, but with an alcoholic having no expectations are usually the best plan. You are doing this well also by accepting that he could fail in his follow through and that it could be the cue you need to strike out on your own, and that is a consequence he, too, must live with (not something he probably usually has to do).
It's progress not perfection, right? Keep working thru it because it's working for you!
Alice
Lotus, I think you are doing quite well with this!!
When I started my own efforts in giving back responsbility to my XABF and letting him handle his own consequences, I felt very guilty. I chalked it up to the fact that any time I have had any task or job just dropped into my lap, I felt resentful. I learned by that feeling that doing so to someone else is unjust and unfair and something to feel bad about.
I had to remind myself that grown adults get the priveleges that come with being a grown adult when they do the things that adults are supposed to do, like support themselves and their family, pay their way, pay their taxes etc. etc. To give back a responsiblity that has been slipped on you or that you have taken out of a compulsion to help is not the same at all. You are letting a grown adult be a grown adult.
You've made an effort certainly to assist him in getting the bills paid this time around. All you've left him is the task of throwing his money in and licking the stamp on the envelope. To the average person, this should be easy for him to follow through, but with an alcoholic having no expectations are usually the best plan. You are doing this well also by accepting that he could fail in his follow through and that it could be the cue you need to strike out on your own, and that is a consequence he, too, must live with (not something he probably usually has to do).
It's progress not perfection, right? Keep working thru it because it's working for you!
Alice
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I think it is great!!!
I would make one suggestion though ......................... when you give him your half of the 'due bill' give it to him in a check made out to where the bill is, or money order made out to where it goes, ie made out to the utility, or the landlord, etc. DO NOT GIVE HIM CASH. I call it "CYA". lol
Other than that, I don't believe you are being 'over the top', at all. I think it is an excellent move on your part.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I would make one suggestion though ......................... when you give him your half of the 'due bill' give it to him in a check made out to where the bill is, or money order made out to where it goes, ie made out to the utility, or the landlord, etc. DO NOT GIVE HIM CASH. I call it "CYA". lol
Other than that, I don't believe you are being 'over the top', at all. I think it is an excellent move on your part.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
whew... thanks for all your support. I wasn't planning on giving him cash - I know that would just end badly. He can't have any money in his bank account right now, because of garnishments (he's filing for bankruptcy right now and they've cleared all his money out of his accounts a couple of months ago). So I told him he could either use money orders (and I'd give him a check for my half made out to the place) or he could come up to me (give me his half of the bill in cash), sit down with my debit card and pay the bill online under supervision (which still entails my input, but is different than having all the pressure of getting the money from him to make sure bills are being paid on time, off me).
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