Those Magic Words

Old 01-02-2010, 01:00 PM
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Those Magic Words

Today after reading some posts here I realized what I have being doing. While reading post about No Contact etc....I realized that I must continue to hold on to a shred of hope that he will somehow 'poof' just get what I have been saying. I realized that whenever I speak to him a part of me is trying to come up with the perfect "magic words" that will make him "get it", that will inspire him to change - oh how I know that is the codie in me! I'm not sure why I realized that today...but it is what I have been doing. Wow....what an odd realization, but true. So thus the broken record post earlier...I probablly sound that way to him too! Anyway, so I think it is time for me to stop "talking" about the problems and when if ever he wants to really talk.....that will be up to him! Sometimes it's those little realizations that hit this!!
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Old 01-02-2010, 01:14 PM
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I think I said this earlier so sorry for repeating myself.

I realized that my anger yesterday came from something similiar. We think if someone does not respond the way we want that they often are not listening to us. We think if we keep saying it, it will get through. The point is getting across, he just isn't agreeing with it - get it? or some other version of that.

good job hanging in there and looking at yourself.
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Old 01-02-2010, 01:17 PM
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Seeking Serenity
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M...don't be so hard on yourself. I have been exactly where you are right now.

Truth be told...I still feel that way...deep down inside...MAYBE something will change and we can put 31 years back together again.

I don't know your total situation, but I know mine. The first half of my marriage was pretty good...the last 12 years were horrible. I did everything I knew how to help him "get it"...but nothing happened except I built up this wall of anger that I couldn't get over or around anymore. My AH never 'got it' and will never 'get it'.

Dreams die hard M...but there are new ones right around the corner if you let your heart and mind be open to them. Besides...all of this is out of our hands. It's not our plan...something higher and stronger than us is in the drivers seat. :-)
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:06 PM
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Being Silent so I can Hear
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I too think about this a bit. When I left, I left for me and my daughter, not for him..but a little bit of me thought that this would also give him time to get on with his recovery, if that's what he chose to do.

His recovery at this point wouldn't make any difference to our marriage, or lack of...but, I was so hoping for him.

The fact that he hasn't is okay too, it doesn't effect me other than in the divorce proceedings.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:13 PM
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I read this yesterday in the comments under the sticky "Overcoming The Need To Fix".

Someone on this forum once said "when I say it once, it's for you. When I keep saying it, it's for me."

That kinda says it all
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Old 01-02-2010, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
So thus the broken record post earlier...I probablly sound that way to him too!
I had a interesting conversation with AH the other day. I told him, I wanted to talk (like I have so many times before), he sighed and said ok... we sat down and he started with: "just so that this won't drag out too long. I know I have a problem. I know I need help. I know that... " listing everything I always tell him in under a minute. I couldn't help but laugh. I think you're right, just like I'm tired of hearing the same things over and over again from him, he is probably tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again. He does LISTEN to what I say, but that doesn't mean he will have to DO what I tell him to do - I can't change him into something - it is up to him to decide who he wants to be and how he wants to act.

Thanks for your post!!!
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Old 01-02-2010, 03:44 PM
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same planet...different world
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And so ... we grow.

I think it's great to realize stuff like that
because to me, awareness is power.
Some peopl esay knowledge is ...
but in behavior -
it seems to me that as soon
as I'm AWARE of something -
that ... is when I can step in and make a change.

I like that quote, too.
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