Mambo Queen

Oh jeez...I feel like a hypocrite now because I just posted a week ago about how much better I was feeling, and I still feel a little better about everthing BUT...XAH has been telling his sisters, and me, about how he knows he needs help, and he's checked into Salvation Army and this other rehab center in town to find out about them, and his sisters got all excited that he was maybe going to really do this, and I talked to him about both of the options and he sounded like he was going to do Salv. Army since it was free, and longer--he even said to me himself that he didn't want me to pay for the other option, which I told him I would be willing to do, since he didn't want me to waste my money. Basically, he's only thinking about this since he's at the end of his rope, almost out of money, jobless, no place to go when his lease is up in two weeks. And now, he says he doesn't want to go to Salvation Army because they "won't be able to help him with anything other than not drinking, I'll still be jobless, in debt, unmarried, unable to see my child while I'm in there" quack quack quack. Now he says he may just move away, since obviously no one here cares about him. His sisters are supportive but not enabling. If he's not going to go in for treatment, they're not going to speak to him anymore. Unfortunately, I feel like that leaves it all on me. Should I refuse to speak to him too, or should I give him a lifeline towards hope? I feel like even the way I phrased that is bad though and reflects my codie tendencies, because I don't WANT to speak to him when he's like this, but I also don't want to feel like I have given him no motivation to seek recovery. Basically, my question is this: Is it possible for a human being to seek recovery when they feel like they have no ties to anybody? Because I keep feeling like I have to offer that human tie, or he'll just, I don't know, not think twice about drinking himself to death? I know if it was me, I'd want to know that I had someone or something to care about if I were to enter rehab.

Mambo Queen

I also want to mention something else. My divorce decree states that I make my dd available by phone for XAH. Whenever I have tried to go "no contact", even for a day or two, if my XAH wants to find me, he finds me, whether it means blowing up my phone with 50 messages until I can't take it anymore to find that he has driven in to see my daughter since I won't answer the phone, or calling my parents or sisters house or wherever I am to hunt me down, and inevitably somebody answers the phone. That is why for me no contact has not been an option.

naive

this is dangerous thinking. he is not you. alcohlics don't think like normal people. they live in a separate reality.
if he was you, then he would be on sober recovery, as you are, facing your issues and asking for help.

mine would always say he was moving away. in my opinion, that is a threat to get a reaction.

don't fall for the "poor me" manipulation tactic. mine would say the same exact thing: he had no one. this is actually true. he has no one because he used everyone and left them for dead. he has no one because he only thinks of himself.

i would retract the offer to pay for his rehab. AA is free. if he is serious, he can go to AA. why should you pay for his rehab when free help is available? also, sober recovery is free also. he can log in from a public terminal.

there is PLENTY of help available to him without you financing it.

naive

regarding the phone contact, set up a time for a scheduled call.

for example, he can contact DD on tuesday at 7pm.

i would also get a separate phone for these calls. turn on the phone at the scheduled time only.

change your phone number to something else.

tjp613

His motivation has to come from within himself.

You say you don't want to speak to him -- so don't. Set up firm boundaries, stick to them and don't back down. THAT is how you help him.

He knows what he needs to do in order to get "human ties". If he wants human ties, he'll get into recovery. If he'd rather just drink and be miserable, he'll do that. You can't provide anything for him that will magically make him well.

He has a daughter, an ex-wife, and sisters....all of whom (i'm sure) have told him that they love him but can't support his drinking. If he wants a relationship with people that care about him, he knows what he has to do. If he chooses to continue drinking then he has to figure out how he's going to pay for the booze, get a roof over his head and food in his belly.... all on his own....just like the rest of productive society.

dothi

Wow, quite the matyrdom there. So I guess he shouldn't try fixing anything since it sounds like it'll be a lot of hard work???? As naive said, don't buy into the "poor me" routine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mambo Queen

Basically, my question is this: Is it possible for a human being to seek recovery when they feel like they have no ties to anybody?

We hope that when they have lost all ties as a consequence of the choices they have made to continue drinking that this will be their bottom and they will choose recovery. Unfortunately only they can decide this.

Also agree with naive about setting up a scheduled time with the phone. Reinforce it with boundaries. Make your family and friends aware of this schedule (e.g. "He has a fixed time to call, so please don't relay any more of his messages/calls/etc back to me. He knows when he can call.")

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mambo Queen

That is why for me no contact has not been an option.

This is not accurate. You're not obligated to listen to non-stop messages of abuse. Just hit delete. You are not obligated to return his calls. Just tell your parents/sister thanks for the message, but you have a schedule for when you are willing to talk to him, and leave it to your family to decide how they want to set boundaries with them. Get a trusted friend to screen messages for you. Get caller ID. Etc.etc.etc. You are still letting him have a lot of power over you in this way. Take that power back.

There's many small ways in which you can limit the abuse. But you have to choose to enforce these limitations and not feed into your guilt.

laurie6781

His having 'no one' is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

You don't have to talk to him at all. Change your number, get a 'pre paid' cell for DD and set times when he can call her.

Then when the phone rings in the time frame, hand phone to DD to answer. If it rings at a time outside your boundary, don't answer. Ideally, only turn it on during the time frame you have set up, all other times it will go to voice mail, and you can 'delete' the voice mails so DD does not have to listen to ones that are not appropriate for DD.

Keep moving forward, I know you can do this.

Love and hugs,

Chrysalis123

I know you have offered him plenty of human ties before. Did those prior offers od human connection help him choose rehab and recovery?

Gypsy Feet

The motivation can't come from you honey, that is just you trying to have a little control over this mess. Surrender him to your HP, and let go. Many times an alcoholic has to feel as if he has lost everything before they see the light, and your lifeline may actually be the hope he needs to keep drinking.


As far as no contact, I believe if the courts have ordered him to be allowed to call, you let him call her, but you don't talk to him. As other people have suggested, have a separate number for these calls and/or a pre-arranged time. And if that is really still to much, look into getting his contact severed.

KeepPedaling

Suuuuch helpful information! Thank you so much! My fridge is getting crowded with all the helpful bits of wisdom I get from this forum.

megan09

We do not have the right to stand in the way of a man's rock bottom; leave him go where he has to go if you really care for him.

TakingCharge999

Hi Mambo!!

Just offering some support... I know you have grown very strong.. and have a partner that you like, and treats you better, now... so that is what needs focus (as they always tell me here!!).

The root cause of my suffering was thinking an active alcoholic or dry drunk was a human like you and me or anyone here... HONEST... able to look at herself/himself with HONESTY... which does not seem to be happening... and may never happen in your lifetime. Dead end.

I know its hard to let go... and at the same time letting go of such a destructive person should be
VERY EASY to let go of...

Perhaps you are still trying to "win" over alcoholism? or to make him healthier so he can ask forgiveness to you? What are the motives? be honest...

I will post a visualization that helped me this weekend-.

Hugs!


PS naive means business!!

Janitw

We all know and feel your pain sweetie but you have to:

LET GO and LET GOD do his work....he is soooo close to the very needed bottom that he
needs and you are about to get in the way.....get out of the way and let the progress and the recovery begin.

You are on a slippery slope. If its too difficult for you to watch his consequences in action then turn away from the show...

Sorry to be so blunt but it had to be said sweetie..

Hugs
Janitw

barb dwyer

mambo

if I hadn't hit my 9own bottom - I wouldn't be sober right now in this crisis.

don't deny him this learning opportunity.

and -

*I* know what alone is.
and alone is NOT talking with sisters every day.
that's not alone.

just ... fyi.