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Like a Broken Record...

Old 01-01-2010, 07:49 PM
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Like a Broken Record...

Seperated from my AH about a month now...our conversations haven't changed one bit. I have tried to explain that in order for me to even try at this marriage he had to agree to 2 things 1. No drinking and 2. No name calling/put downs. I have said it a thousand different ways. His response is always, well at least your not the one who got kicked out. Not once has he acknowledged my hurt or boundaries, nor do I believe he intends to. It is like a cat and mouse game with him. I say this, he says that.....round and round. I suppose not much different than it has ever been with him. No real communication or feelings, just accusations and anger. I believe that he things that I will just fold....well I hate to break it to him...but not this time. The more time that goes by the more I realize he is incapable of having a realy emotion or feeling....he is so locked up inside himself. I acutally think that is very sad! My new year's resolution was to spend this year/time in finding strength in myself and providing the type of home my kids need. I was reading posts here today and it seems that a few of the AH's/ABF seem to at least acknowledge (whether meant to manipulate or not) their behaviors and the want to change....my AH...he can't do that at all - if I say you called me this or that...he would say well, I was mad...as if that would justify it. The reality he lives in is definately not the same reality the rest of the world lives in....2010 is going to be a year of happiness...that I know! Thank you all for your support and thoughts....it really clarifies my own thinking when I begin to doubt or feel unsure aobut the things happening in my life!! Happy New Year!
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Old 01-01-2010, 07:56 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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good for you!

and yes, from what you wrote - you've gotten your answer.

I'd just written this whole big thing to you
on the other thread
only to have the computer time out
and lost it.

But it basically said
that I hope
you're not sitting around waiting
to sculpt some kind of FUTURE
around this person.

Because that's what we do, you know.
We put what WE want out of life
aside until we know what THEY want.

Good for YOU!!!!!
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Old 01-01-2010, 07:59 PM
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Have you considered just not talking to him? Trying to explain why you feel a certain way is like talking to a brick wall. They don't care. The more you try to explain, the worse they make you feel. Stop trying to explain anything. Go no contact unless it's absolutely necessary regarding your children. Don't allow him to draw you into the trap. Someone here said it best when they said...don't feed the monster.
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:01 PM
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Suki- that is definately something you are probably right about.....I need to be ok with not talking to him, and most of the time I am....I will work on that!
Barb - Thanks for your support!
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Old 01-01-2010, 08:12 PM
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"Because that's what we do, you know.
We put what WE want out of life
aside until we know what THEY want."

Barb - OMG! That hit the nail on the head for me. Wow, that's exactly what I did. Lesson learned in 2009.
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Old 01-02-2010, 06:12 AM
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Be proud of yourself for trying to better your own life.....Wishing you the best in 2010!
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Old 01-02-2010, 06:36 AM
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I hear ya on this one. Round and Round. Doesnt get threw there head. The no contact rule works! I had to get off the merry go round.
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Old 01-02-2010, 07:31 AM
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I can only validate your experience as everyone else has pretty much done already.

Good boundaries start with assertive communication. First rule is to use I statements, and second rule - you don't have to explain anything - third is to say what you mean and mean what you say so follow through. He will get the hang of it and figure out how to respond. It really does work.

It will help you sort out what you need/want and allow a balanced response from you and peace.
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Old 01-02-2010, 07:43 AM
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No you are not alone. My exah still does not acknowledge any of the horrible things he has done to us and this family. He goes as far as saying he has made mistakes, never clarifies what they are, but then is sure to point out ALL of my shortcomings.

A month or so ago my exah told me he wanted to go slow and see what happens with us. Well, slow meant him cake eating on a more regular basis and dropping any sort of visit schedule and letting him come and go as he pleases...OH and also that would mean me not making him pay CS and also buying him new tires on his truck. I didn't do either of those!

Changes have to be more than good intentions via text messages for me.

I am with you! Making 2010 a happy year!
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Old 01-02-2010, 07:47 AM
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A month or so ago my exah told me he wanted to go slow and see what happens with us. Well, slow meant him cake eating on a more regular basis and dropping any sort of visit schedule and letting him come and go as he pleases...OH and also that would mean me not making him pay CS and also buying him new tires on his truck.

They truly are arrogant little sh*ts, aren't they? LOL!!
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Old 01-02-2010, 08:11 AM
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I'm so proud of ALL of you for getting your power back -- for realizing that you do have a voice in your own life. YOU HAVE CHOICES! Choose to be strong today! Choose to be excited about your future! Choose to LIVE instead of survive! Choose to love and nurture yourselves! (((((HUGS!!))))))
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Have you considered just not talking to him? Trying to explain why you feel a certain way is like talking to a brick wall. They don't care. The more you try to explain, the worse they make you feel. Stop trying to explain anything. Go no contact unless it's absolutely necessary regarding your children. Don't allow him to draw you into the trap. Someone here said it best when they said...don't feed the monster.
I am doing this too. It took me a good year and half to be consistent with it. I put "NC" in capital letterts in lipstick on the mirror in my bath to remind me. At first it was really hard, so I kept a tally record for each successful NC day, in lipstick, under my NC. For some reason that silly idea motivated me when the going got tough. I realize now he intentionally pushed (and still pushes) my buttons through hurting the kids cause he wants attention and even negative roaring mother lion is better than nothing. Getting me mad is even better in his sick mind.

99.9% of what I say to him has zero effect. So, why bother and engage in the dance. Instead I focus on me and in helping my kids develop into awesome humans inspite of their dad. I know how hard it is to maintain NC. ((hugs))
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:09 AM
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I know it's hard, but it's something that must be done if you ever want to have any peace. 99.9% of the problems we read here in F&F is because of our reactions to something our addicts say or do. If we cut off contact, we won't know what they are doing and won't hear what they want to say. Until we have finally had enough, our curiosity will keep drawing us back into the dance. As long as we keep dancing, they will keep pulling the strings.
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Old 01-02-2010, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Kassie2 View Post
Good boundaries say what you mean and mean what you say so follow through. He will get the hang of it and figure out how to respond. It really does work.
I'm on day 3 of no communication. I finally stuck to my boundaries and he is out of the house. It's hard to do, but it's worth it for your own sanity.

Though I go through moments of being lonely and sad.......it is nothing compared to the stress and grief of having an active A in your house.

Hang in there! Better days lie ahead.
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Old 01-02-2010, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by sofacat View Post

Though I go through moments of being lonely and sad.......it is nothing compared to the stress and grief of having an active A in your house.
Sofa-this is normal and part of the process we go through. I've been away from my AH for over 3 months. I still miss the good parts of him...but then I remember why I left.

Hang in there and remember...ONE DAY AT A TIME. It's all we can manage.
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Old 01-04-2010, 06:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Kassie2 View Post
I can only validate your experience as everyone else has pretty much done already.
Hit the nail right on the head Kassie... 'validate your experience'. I believe this is what every poster on this board wants and our As keep us in constant torment by withholding this emotional right from us.

It seems so obvious how harsh and hurtful our partner can be that it is baffling that they deny or refuse to accept their part. I spent so long believing that my abf couldn't understand my reality because of his addiction, his mother, his bad day, his childhood and on and on. I spent a lot of time trying to explain it better because when he finally understood how much it hurt me, he would see the error of his ways and be remorseful and it would begin to heal.

My freedom from this hook came the day I validated my own experience. With help and support from friends here and through reading and 'reaching out' into the printed word; I acknowledged for myself the chaos and pain that my life had become. I didn't need his validation any longer and the rest happened very quickly, my recovery journey took off at full speed.

Mentallyexh, I am happy that you are fueling your own journey right now, I think 2010 will be a great year for you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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