Like a Broken Record... Seperated from my AH about a month now...our conversations haven't changed one bit. I have tried to explain that in order for me to even try at this marriage he had to agree to 2 things 1. No drinking and 2. No name calling/put downs. I have said it a thousand different ways. His response is always, well at least your not the one who got kicked out. Not once has he acknowledged my hurt or boundaries, nor do I believe he intends to. It is like a cat and mouse game with him. I say this, he says that.....round and round. I suppose not much different than it has ever been with him. No real communication or feelings, just accusations and anger. I believe that he things that I will just fold....well I hate to break it to him...but not this time. The more time that goes by the more I realize he is incapable of having a realy emotion or feeling....he is so locked up inside himself. I acutally think that is very sad! My new year's resolution was to spend this year/time in finding strength in myself and providing the type of home my kids need. I was reading posts here today and it seems that a few of the AH's/ABF seem to at least acknowledge (whether meant to manipulate or not) their behaviors and the want to change....my AH...he can't do that at all - if I say you called me this or that...he would say well, I was mad...as if that would justify it. The reality he lives in is definately not the same reality the rest of the world lives in....2010 is going to be a year of happiness...that I know! Thank you all for your support and thoughts....it really clarifies my own thinking when I begin to doubt or feel unsure aobut the things happening in my life!! Happy New Year! |
good for you! and yes, from what you wrote - you've gotten your answer. I'd just written this whole big thing to you on the other thread only to have the computer time out and lost it. But it basically said that I hope you're not sitting around waiting to sculpt some kind of FUTURE around this person. Because that's what we do, you know. We put what WE want out of life aside until we know what THEY want. Good for YOU!!!!! |
Have you considered just not talking to him? Trying to explain why you feel a certain way is like talking to a brick wall. They don't care. The more you try to explain, the worse they make you feel. Stop trying to explain anything. Go no contact unless it's absolutely necessary regarding your children. Don't allow him to draw you into the trap. Someone here said it best when they said...don't feed the monster. |
Suki- that is definately something you are probably right about.....I need to be ok with not talking to him, and most of the time I am....I will work on that! Barb - Thanks for your support! |
"Because that's what we do, you know. We put what WE want out of life aside until we know what THEY want." Barb - OMG! That hit the nail on the head for me. Wow, that's exactly what I did. Lesson learned in 2009. |
Be proud of yourself for trying to better your own life.....Wishing you the best in 2010! |
I hear ya on this one. Round and Round. Doesnt get threw there head. The no contact rule works! I had to get off the merry go round. |
I can only validate your experience as everyone else has pretty much done already. Good boundaries start with assertive communication. First rule is to use I statements, and second rule - you don't have to explain anything - third is to say what you mean and mean what you say so follow through. He will get the hang of it and figure out how to respond. It really does work. It will help you sort out what you need/want and allow a balanced response from you and peace. |
No you are not alone. My exah still does not acknowledge any of the horrible things he has done to us and this family. He goes as far as saying he has made mistakes, never clarifies what they are, but then is sure to point out ALL of my shortcomings. A month or so ago my exah told me he wanted to go slow and see what happens with us. Well, slow meant him cake eating on a more regular basis and dropping any sort of visit schedule and letting him come and go as he pleases...OH and also that would mean me not making him pay CS and also buying him new tires on his truck. I didn't do either of those! Changes have to be more than good intentions via text messages for me. I am with you! Making 2010 a happy year! |
A month or so ago my exah told me he wanted to go slow and see what happens with us. Well, slow meant him cake eating on a more regular basis and dropping any sort of visit schedule and letting him come and go as he pleases...OH and also that would mean me not making him pay CS and also buying him new tires on his truck. They truly are arrogant little sh*ts, aren't they? LOL!! |
I'm so proud of ALL of you for getting your power back -- for realizing that you do have a voice in your own life. YOU HAVE CHOICES! Choose to be strong today! Choose to be excited about your future! Choose to LIVE instead of survive! Choose to love and nurture yourselves! (((((HUGS!!)))))) |
Originally Posted by suki44883
(Post 2474323)
Have you considered just not talking to him? Trying to explain why you feel a certain way is like talking to a brick wall. They don't care. The more you try to explain, the worse they make you feel. Stop trying to explain anything. Go no contact unless it's absolutely necessary regarding your children. Don't allow him to draw you into the trap. Someone here said it best when they said...don't feed the monster. 99.9% of what I say to him has zero effect. So, why bother and engage in the dance. Instead I focus on me and in helping my kids develop into awesome humans inspite of their dad. I know how hard it is to maintain NC. ((hugs)) |
I know it's hard, but it's something that must be done if you ever want to have any peace. 99.9% of the problems we read here in F&F is because of our reactions to something our addicts say or do. If we cut off contact, we won't know what they are doing and won't hear what they want to say. Until we have finally had enough, our curiosity will keep drawing us back into the dance. As long as we keep dancing, they will keep pulling the strings. |
Originally Posted by Kassie2
(Post 2474610)
Good boundaries say what you mean and mean what you say so follow through. He will get the hang of it and figure out how to respond. It really does work. Though I go through moments of being lonely and sad.......it is nothing compared to the stress and grief of having an active A in your house. Hang in there! Better days lie ahead. |
Originally Posted by sofacat
(Post 2474863)
Though I go through moments of being lonely and sad.......it is nothing compared to the stress and grief of having an active A in your house. Hang in there and remember...ONE DAY AT A TIME. It's all we can manage. |
Originally Posted by Kassie2
(Post 2474610)
I can only validate your experience as everyone else has pretty much done already. It seems so obvious how harsh and hurtful our partner can be that it is baffling that they deny or refuse to accept their part. I spent so long believing that my abf couldn't understand my reality because of his addiction, his mother, his bad day, his childhood and on and on. I spent a lot of time trying to explain it better because when he finally understood how much it hurt me, he would see the error of his ways and be remorseful and it would begin to heal. My freedom from this hook came the day I validated my own experience. With help and support from friends here and through reading and 'reaching out' into the printed word; I acknowledged for myself the chaos and pain that my life had become. I didn't need his validation any longer and the rest happened very quickly, my recovery journey took off at full speed. Mentallyexh, I am happy that you are fueling your own journey right now, I think 2010 will be a great year for you Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:You_Rock_ |
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