Kassie2

I thought I was ok and then yesterday the emails started from my RAH. He is still holding onto anger from weeks ago when I cut him off. He is full of blame and trying to find any button he can push to get a response from me. Guess he is finding out that I meant it.

I tried journalling my responses so as not to fall into that trap with him. But it bothers me still. Been distracting myself since last night but it isn't working very well. The more I read here the more hopeless I get. Letting of go of dreams and facing reality of being in a relationship with a A even in recovery is not pleasant.

Just putting it out there. "time heals..."

tjp613

Kassie, stop reading the emails. Seriously.

Startingover2

I agree...stop reading them. I know its so hard, but it may be the key to the end of the insanity!

Thanks for posting on the other board. I hope you had a quiet NYE!

Kassie2

Good advice.

Next, I had a long talk last night with my daughter (my has she grown up since leaving home) and a mini breakdown. I got out a lot of things that I have kept secret. I admitted the nonsense I have been through the mill "out of compassion" for his illness and recovery. I realized that he has a lot to sort out himself too. I realize today that I got caught up in the "cycle" eventho he wasn't present b/c of my response to his emails (in my head not to him). I find myself trying to "change his view of me" instead of accepting that I can do nothing to change it - if he doesn't want to.

Back to me - I have many bad memories, I have current hurts and ongoing frustrations. I have been going back and forth in dealing with my RAH (just one of the frustrations is his inconsistency and changeableness) instead of saying here I am - this is what I want - period - adjust. Flexibility in a relationship is necessary for it to work, but to continue the same patterns when they don't work is just plain dumb.

I don't want to dwell on the past - I can just look at what has happened in the past few weeks to see that his pattern, though change ever so slightly is not nearly what it needs to be. There are specific things that need to be different and I don't know if he will ever be that way with me.

littlefish

He needs to go a lot longer in his recovery, if he is still holding on to the anger and feeding it. I was a dry drunk in recovery for 10 months without a program and I was angry, angry, angry.
Now, 18 months later, I am finally learning how to let go of the anger and stop trying to play God and stop being the martyr that will be proclaimed a saint when I die.
It sounds like he still needs to let go of a lot of that.
As others say, stop reading the e-mails. He has a long way to go in his journey.

Kassie2

HI! Where is your thread? I would like to have someone in recovery to talk to about things that come up to get perspective. Had someone on another site but they stopped visiting.

thanks for the validation.