I've had it with drunks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I've had it with drunks
My whole life has been marred with other people's drinking and my own for a short while. I find myself surrounded with people who drink to excess. Do sober people exist????
I don't know if others are in the same boat, but I wonder if I should break all contact with people who drink to excess (my mother, my boyfriend, my brothers, my friends, my cleaning lady) and start fresh!
Is this possible? Or is society so sick? Does my utopia exist?
I don't know if others are in the same boat, but I wonder if I should break all contact with people who drink to excess (my mother, my boyfriend, my brothers, my friends, my cleaning lady) and start fresh!
Is this possible? Or is society so sick? Does my utopia exist?
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
My facebook status for most of yesterday invited my friends over to my house for an alcohol free party (because I refused to ring in the new year with drunk ass sarcasm, I've had enough of that the last two years of my life).
I deal with people all day at work. Nine hours a day driving from house to house trying to resolve problems people have. Not a day goes by I don't encounter a drinker. For awhile there I would be angry; very short with these people. Almost an "I really don't want to help you" kind of attitude. Their complaints are legitimate, it's the smell of booze that turned me off from caring though.
I have a few friends that are drinkers (but not alcoholics). My close ones know what the last two years of my life have been like and to my surprise a few of them have even been in similar situations in their lives in their past so they understand. A few, however, don't understand. And for me that's where boundaries come in. I don't want to lose these friends, I just don't want to be a part of the drinking times. For me I felt like I had two options....lose these friends or skip certain moments. If I asked these friends not to involve me in the times when drinking was taking place and they did anyway, or if they simply walked away for good, then really they weren't my friends at all. Fortunately for me, the one friend I was so worried about losing accepted my boundary and doesn't call or text me anymore when he's drinking. THAT is a friend.
As for the others I have to encounter during work....my job is to handle their complaint. Being angry that someone is drinking (or is drunk) by 10 in the morning is not my job. Handling the complaint is. I am not there to fix a drinking problem and once I receive the information I am there to get, I can walk away and let it go. It will not affect my life. I have almost trained myself to feel sorry for these people, rather than get angry with them. Anger solves nothing.
I don't want to be a part of the drinking my friends get whatever out of. And that's okay. It didn't mean for me I had to lose all my friends. I set up boundaries and those who respected my boundaries were my friends. Those who didn't, like xabf, are long gone.
For the longest time, every person I saw drinking was automatically a verbally abusive alcoholic. Every person I saw at 10 in the morning buying a case of beer at the gas station was a drunk and it stirred up a lot of anger and resentment in me. I'd snicker at the person. In time I realized that my reaction to these situations was allowing alcohol to control my life. Here I was--a non drinker being controlled by a alcohol!!!
Act....but don't REact. My reaction was to get angry and cold. My action is to not be a part of it.
I deal with people all day at work. Nine hours a day driving from house to house trying to resolve problems people have. Not a day goes by I don't encounter a drinker. For awhile there I would be angry; very short with these people. Almost an "I really don't want to help you" kind of attitude. Their complaints are legitimate, it's the smell of booze that turned me off from caring though.
I have a few friends that are drinkers (but not alcoholics). My close ones know what the last two years of my life have been like and to my surprise a few of them have even been in similar situations in their lives in their past so they understand. A few, however, don't understand. And for me that's where boundaries come in. I don't want to lose these friends, I just don't want to be a part of the drinking times. For me I felt like I had two options....lose these friends or skip certain moments. If I asked these friends not to involve me in the times when drinking was taking place and they did anyway, or if they simply walked away for good, then really they weren't my friends at all. Fortunately for me, the one friend I was so worried about losing accepted my boundary and doesn't call or text me anymore when he's drinking. THAT is a friend.
As for the others I have to encounter during work....my job is to handle their complaint. Being angry that someone is drinking (or is drunk) by 10 in the morning is not my job. Handling the complaint is. I am not there to fix a drinking problem and once I receive the information I am there to get, I can walk away and let it go. It will not affect my life. I have almost trained myself to feel sorry for these people, rather than get angry with them. Anger solves nothing.
I don't want to be a part of the drinking my friends get whatever out of. And that's okay. It didn't mean for me I had to lose all my friends. I set up boundaries and those who respected my boundaries were my friends. Those who didn't, like xabf, are long gone.
For the longest time, every person I saw drinking was automatically a verbally abusive alcoholic. Every person I saw at 10 in the morning buying a case of beer at the gas station was a drunk and it stirred up a lot of anger and resentment in me. I'd snicker at the person. In time I realized that my reaction to these situations was allowing alcohol to control my life. Here I was--a non drinker being controlled by a alcohol!!!
Act....but don't REact. My reaction was to get angry and cold. My action is to not be a part of it.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Mama...I also feel that the whole world is one giant liquor bottle! The reality is that we are so affected by an alcoholic in our life that we are highly sensitive to people who do drink. It's magnified by us...we look and watch...and in some cases judge.
It's not just you...and not everyone in the world drinks.
Your utopia does exist...
It's not just you...and not everyone in the world drinks.
Your utopia does exist...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I totally agree with MyAwakening.... I have become super senstitive to others drinking. And it seems that whenever I see someone pick up a drink I wonder, somewhere deep down, are they an alcoholic? I don't think this has become a good trait in myself.
And I do also feel that our society is consumed with the idea of drinking. Corporate America thrives off of liquor sales.
Since I have returned to college I am amazed and horrified at the amount of teens and 20 something students who think it's so "cool" to go out and drink, they boast about it, and boast about driving home after a party. It's sickening.
I used to drink in my 20's, yes I would go out and get drunk, and I can't recall on any occassion where ANYTHING good EVER came out of the fact that I got drunk.
I don't drink right now, have no desire to. Mostly I don't drink because alcohol will enhance my sadness. Until I become more emotionally balanced, I won't pick up a drink. I simply mean, even having a glass of wine with dinner. I just know how alcohol effects me. I have done enough crying without it this year!!
I will be moving home in 4 months, and my friends for the most part are social drinkers. I don't associate alcoholism with any of them. Though now, after doing all of the reading I have, I am less likely to go to bars and get drunk with them. My focus is on other things at this point.
As far as wanting to cut off contact with those in your life who do drink to excess....well, if it were me, and anyone was affecting my life in a truly negative way due to thier drinking (or really anything), I would probably distance myself. If it was something that had a constant negative impact on my happiness, health, well being, then I would cut contact.
I have chosen to distance myself from people who actually haven't even done anything wrong to me, but because in this moment I am doing what I can to rebuild myself, and focus on my happiness, I have had do cut down on contact with people who I know have a connection to my XA.
You just have to do whatever you need to do for you to preserve your health and happiness. Atleast this is how I have come to feel.
Happy New Year to you!
And I do also feel that our society is consumed with the idea of drinking. Corporate America thrives off of liquor sales.
Since I have returned to college I am amazed and horrified at the amount of teens and 20 something students who think it's so "cool" to go out and drink, they boast about it, and boast about driving home after a party. It's sickening.
I used to drink in my 20's, yes I would go out and get drunk, and I can't recall on any occassion where ANYTHING good EVER came out of the fact that I got drunk.
I don't drink right now, have no desire to. Mostly I don't drink because alcohol will enhance my sadness. Until I become more emotionally balanced, I won't pick up a drink. I simply mean, even having a glass of wine with dinner. I just know how alcohol effects me. I have done enough crying without it this year!!
I will be moving home in 4 months, and my friends for the most part are social drinkers. I don't associate alcoholism with any of them. Though now, after doing all of the reading I have, I am less likely to go to bars and get drunk with them. My focus is on other things at this point.
As far as wanting to cut off contact with those in your life who do drink to excess....well, if it were me, and anyone was affecting my life in a truly negative way due to thier drinking (or really anything), I would probably distance myself. If it was something that had a constant negative impact on my happiness, health, well being, then I would cut contact.
I have chosen to distance myself from people who actually haven't even done anything wrong to me, but because in this moment I am doing what I can to rebuild myself, and focus on my happiness, I have had do cut down on contact with people who I know have a connection to my XA.
You just have to do whatever you need to do for you to preserve your health and happiness. Atleast this is how I have come to feel.
Happy New Year to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I work in a restaurant, and when I first started working the 3rd shift, I dealt with many of what I called the "drunk and disorderly"...I hated it. However, in time I had to realize that I was judging them to be alcoholics, when, in fact most were probably just young people who had gone out drinking for the night and had too much. I did that when I was young and never crossed the line into alcoholism.
I learned to relax and do my job. I got off that shift, but had to work late one night and couldn't stand it again...I'd been away from the "drunk and disorderly" too long...out of practice, I guess.
I agree with KV about setting boundaries. I don't mind being around someone who is "tipsy", but when it comes to being obnoxious, loud and rude, I will remove myself from the situation, no matter who it is. We have an obligation to take care of US.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I learned to relax and do my job. I got off that shift, but had to work late one night and couldn't stand it again...I'd been away from the "drunk and disorderly" too long...out of practice, I guess.
I agree with KV about setting boundaries. I don't mind being around someone who is "tipsy", but when it comes to being obnoxious, loud and rude, I will remove myself from the situation, no matter who it is. We have an obligation to take care of US.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I don't like being around people who have had too much to drink. Even when I was young I would frequently leave the party before it got out of hand. Still doing so at 50 years old! LOL!! They all just think I can't stay up late at night. It's OK, they can think what they want. I left a great party last night at 11:00 pm and I would rather they think I'm a light weight than think less of my good friends because they got **** faced on a night when most everybody does.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Thank you everyone! I think I get too judgmental. I guess it is a boundary issue. I should just leave a party when I feel people are getting too boring and sloppy. I also need to stick up for myself and insist on going on a separate check when at a restaurant with others. Inevitably, my drunk friends will insist that the check be split per head, which is not fair considering that some of us just had a salad and water all night. They, on the other hand, had steak and lots of wine. Some even have the gall to say that it's no big deal and that's the price you pay for sharing company with them. I just don't want to subsidize drunks!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Ugh, drunk or not drunk, it's pretty presumptious of anyone to think that someone else should chip in for what THEY choose to east and drink....
I don't mean to sound cheap and selfish there, , but hey, most of us are on a nice little budget.
I don't mean to sound cheap and selfish there,
, but hey, most of us are on a nice little budget.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
I have discovered that I know very few people who don't drink. I enjoy a drink from time to time with friends. BUT, like others have said, I have no problem saying good night when the people I am with start to get sloppy, loud etc. Fortunately I have a group of girl friends that enjoy a drink from time to time but rarely do they over indulge to a point that I start to think time for me to go.
I think anyone who has endured what most of us have with an A are probably highly sensitive to drinking that goes on around us when or if it starts to pose a problem on the social situation. The key for me lies in detachment. I can excuse myself from the evening if I feel the party is getting past my taste and I don't allow myself to get caught up in the judging of those that have taken the night a bit to far.
I think anyone who has endured what most of us have with an A are probably highly sensitive to drinking that goes on around us when or if it starts to pose a problem on the social situation. The key for me lies in detachment. I can excuse myself from the evening if I feel the party is getting past my taste and I don't allow myself to get caught up in the judging of those that have taken the night a bit to far.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Detachment is the key--exactly. It took me a long time to get that. My STBXAH told our marriage counselor that his drinking is his "heritage" (he's Irish) and because I'm German, I can never understand. He also said our marriage was in trouble because he "couldn't get me out of the house with dynamite", when the fact was that I LOVED going out for dinner with couples, or to any kind of gathering. I just hated going to the event, then to another bar, then to the casino, then to the casino bar...until I had to drive him and everyone else home and carry him into the house! Not my idea of a date....so I began taking my own car or just staying home.
How twisted the A's outlook becomes! Of course, the entire time we were in marriage counseling, he was "dating" a secretary in our law office. He just lost his job there, because his partners don't want to deal with a liar and a cheater, either.
Bottom line: we are entitled to have a life without this foolishness and sometimes have to leave our comfort zone to fight for it. Happy New Year, all.
How twisted the A's outlook becomes! Of course, the entire time we were in marriage counseling, he was "dating" a secretary in our law office. He just lost his job there, because his partners don't want to deal with a liar and a cheater, either.
Bottom line: we are entitled to have a life without this foolishness and sometimes have to leave our comfort zone to fight for it. Happy New Year, all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Pa
Posts: 17
Mama,
In my twentys and thirtys, all I did was party. My XH and I lived for the weekends. The older I got, the less I wanted to party and the less I could tolerate friends that did. I think I was growing up and the rest weren't. Maybe this is whats happening to you, not sure? The thing I noticed in your situation is, its your family that is doing it as well. My XH's family loved to drink...my family is a bunch of recovering alcholics. I not only divorsed my husband but I also divorsed all my friends that chose him over me. They chose him because I cleaned up my act and he didn't. These were friends that he aquired thru me. These were my friends that I have known since kindergarden and some even younger. It was really tough for me for awhile, knowing that I lost all my good friends but in reality...they weren't as good of friends that I thought they were. I am much happier without all that partying going on. I now have friends that don't drink at all. Actually when I think about it...none of my new friends drink....life is good!
I still do have one friend that is a really bad A...but I hang up on him if he calls me drunk. I tell him to call me sober...click.Its repulsive to me! I might not hear from him for a few months but eventually he calls me sober. I don't need people like him bringing me down. Its taken me a long time to realize that he really is a downer. His life revolves around drama and I don't need it. When he is sober, we do things and have a great time. The times are getting further and further apart. I can't trust him even when he is sober now. He now lies when he is sober to cover up a story he told when he was drunk. What kind of friendship is that> Its not a healthy one.
I think you need to seperate yourself from the times that involve alcohol..wether its family or friends.
I am new to this forum and usually am just a lerker..but your post hit home with me.
Good luck to you on what ever road you choose to take!
In my twentys and thirtys, all I did was party. My XH and I lived for the weekends. The older I got, the less I wanted to party and the less I could tolerate friends that did. I think I was growing up and the rest weren't. Maybe this is whats happening to you, not sure? The thing I noticed in your situation is, its your family that is doing it as well. My XH's family loved to drink...my family is a bunch of recovering alcholics. I not only divorsed my husband but I also divorsed all my friends that chose him over me. They chose him because I cleaned up my act and he didn't. These were friends that he aquired thru me. These were my friends that I have known since kindergarden and some even younger. It was really tough for me for awhile, knowing that I lost all my good friends but in reality...they weren't as good of friends that I thought they were. I am much happier without all that partying going on. I now have friends that don't drink at all. Actually when I think about it...none of my new friends drink....life is good!
I still do have one friend that is a really bad A...but I hang up on him if he calls me drunk. I tell him to call me sober...click.Its repulsive to me! I might not hear from him for a few months but eventually he calls me sober. I don't need people like him bringing me down. Its taken me a long time to realize that he really is a downer. His life revolves around drama and I don't need it. When he is sober, we do things and have a great time. The times are getting further and further apart. I can't trust him even when he is sober now. He now lies when he is sober to cover up a story he told when he was drunk. What kind of friendship is that> Its not a healthy one.
I think you need to seperate yourself from the times that involve alcohol..wether its family or friends.
I am new to this forum and usually am just a lerker..but your post hit home with me.
Good luck to you on what ever road you choose to take!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I just wish I could meet some more sober people to have those healthy moments. Tonight, I am going out without my boyfriend. I will be able to leave the party when I want to. Perhaps, I will meet some new sober friends, or at least some who don't get sloppy.
New Chapter... you're absolutely right. I have to leave a certain comfort zone to fight for a life without drama and nonsense. I guess that's the courage part in the serenity prayer.
I just made a list of friends who don't drink to excess and it's larger than I previously thought. I guess I should try to contact these friends and to take care of those relationships first.
New Chapter... you're absolutely right. I have to leave a certain comfort zone to fight for a life without drama and nonsense. I guess that's the courage part in the serenity prayer.
I just made a list of friends who don't drink to excess and it's larger than I previously thought. I guess I should try to contact these friends and to take care of those relationships first.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My fiancee likes to drink beer occasionally. I have a real hangup about beer....because of prior bad experience (that is putting it mildly). I told him that I couldn't deal with having beer in the frig. Fine, it is not that important to him. Now, every once in awhile he stops at the c-store and buys only one. I can deal with that.
For years, I had escape routes from gatherings where the drinking bothered me. And I still use them, but no longer get invited to those much. It just became evident that I was uncomfortable and would isolate myself.
For years, I had escape routes from gatherings where the drinking bothered me. And I still use them, but no longer get invited to those much. It just became evident that I was uncomfortable and would isolate myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
For those of you who might be curious, the evening went well. I stayed until 12:30. It was a birthday dinner party for a friend. She and her family are light to moderate drinkers, but there were two or three people in the room who drank to excess and were a bit loud. It didn't bother me as much as it usually does... perhaps I enjoyed knowing that I could leave when I wanted. There were also enough sober people in the room to balance it off.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
In my twentys and thirtys, all I did was party
that is what the twentys are for....a little party here and there...(especially with a new HUSBAND)...those are the days when you are discovering who and what you are...BUT at some point the "kids"come...and LIFE moves differently...and you GROW...thats all normal...I have friends who are so STAGNATED in the past still and yet are 40....now how about that??!!
I for one do DO NOT want to go there again...that was the past...I want to move forward and so excited for my present day and FUTURE...~SOBER!~
that is what the twentys are for....a little party here and there...(especially with a new HUSBAND)...those are the days when you are discovering who and what you are...BUT at some point the "kids"come...and LIFE moves differently...and you GROW...thats all normal...I have friends who are so STAGNATED in the past still and yet are 40....now how about that??!!
I for one do DO NOT want to go there again...that was the past...I want to move forward and so excited for my present day and FUTURE...~SOBER!~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Yeah, I just hardly go out on the town anymore, for exactly that reason! There always has to be at least one person who gets drunk enough to be obnoxious. I really don't get it. I mean, where's the fun part?
(The last time I went out with people I work with this one work friend drank too much and started crying and berating her boyfriend for not proposing to her! Awkward! Now I always have 'plans' when staff nights out are planned.)
I'd rather just have a quiet dinner party with people I know well. Or, you know, just chill out at home with my cats! I used to worry that meant I was misanthropic; now I know I'm a misanthrope, but who cares?
(The last time I went out with people I work with this one work friend drank too much and started crying and berating her boyfriend for not proposing to her! Awkward! Now I always have 'plans' when staff nights out are planned.)
I'd rather just have a quiet dinner party with people I know well. Or, you know, just chill out at home with my cats! I used to worry that meant I was misanthropic; now I know I'm a misanthrope, but who cares?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 173
I feel an absolute NEED to get sober to help the next generation. I love my niece and nephew (17 and 21), but they sadly are going to go through this battle. Already signs from the first time the 21 year old drank. I feel so let down that my family does not acknowledge this issue. I do not want them to go through feeling like this is a secret,
Mamma, alcohol does have a hold on society. I choose my sober friends or my friends here. When I feel stronger in my own sobriety I will tell the kids my story and bring this whole thing out of the closet the best I can without judging anyone.
Melissa
Mamma, alcohol does have a hold on society. I choose my sober friends or my friends here. When I feel stronger in my own sobriety I will tell the kids my story and bring this whole thing out of the closet the best I can without judging anyone.
Melissa
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