SadButHopeful

Quick question...

So he said that he's going to "try and not drink".

Now what do I do? Do I encourage him? Thank him? I have thanked him of course...do I suggest AA?

megan09

We have a saying in AA "Trying is lying"; if u say u r going to 'try', well, u r just setting yourself up to drink really. An alcoholic has to do it, not try and do it! I wish u well.

laurie6781

Continue to work on you and sit back and watch his actions.

To be honest, what he said sounds like he said it to 'appease' you. When he does hit his bottom he will be looking for recovery help, meetings, or rehab, or therapist, etc. or all of that and more.

Please keep working on you and your boundaries.

Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much!!!!

I hope 2010 is a good year for you!

Love and hugs,

transformyself

My experience:

You--believe him, watch afraid for a few days or weeks until he starts again then freak out. Live with anxiety, fear and soaring hopes dashed.

Don't believe him, accuse him of deflecting so that he can throw me off and start drinking agian when thinks settle down. See above.

(I did the above two or themes on those two for a long time)

Or--here's my latest plan of action-

Stop caring. Nod. Say, "Oh really? Good." then call my sister, go to a movie, clean the house, do my life and do it all with the joy of knowing he is no longer my problem.

Detachment Baby. It's a beautiful thing.

flutter

"Try" was a word I used when I wanted permission to fail.

Let his actions speak to you, not his words.

Emeraldstorm

All you can do is hope and pray....

I've been dealing with that saying for 4 years now...

It's become just a saying with no meaning behind it...

SadButHopeful

Thanks (I'm glad that button is back!)

Well, I suggested AA and he said that he's not closed to the idea, but doesn't sound too keen on going. He might give it a try. I sent him a link to the "What is Recovery" link in this forum.

The past two days have been wonderful. He said that he's saying he'll "try" because he's afraid he will slip up, but that he sees how alcohol is ruining our lives.

You're right, I can only hope and pray.

Thanks again!

coffeedrinker

I'm sure he has come to the realization that he is alcoholic, and that yes, of course it's causing problems. I'm sure he is toying with the notion of getting sober. But he is not making any commitments, because it is just too scary.

"I'll try" is perhaps for both of you. Yes, he is appeasing you, and he is buying time (you're not leaving him right now, are you?) and he is maybe "trying on" sobriety. I don't know if I would jump to "he's already planning his next date with the bottle" but I agree with the poster who said that saying you will try is a set up to fail.

Of course you are enjoying having him around this way - it is a delight. But keep
making your back-up plan. I don't want you to blind-sided when he falls off the wagon.

barb dwyer

when it strips away to only the truth ...

we all knew we were alcoholics.
All of us.

Admitting it
doing something ABOUT it ...

is the task.

And not all are up for it.

*I* would say that preparing yourself
is more important right now.
Sure, suggest AA.
Suggest SR.

My teacher used to say
'be prepared for the best outcome
and prepared for the worst outcome.
Anything that happens
falls in between.'

Whether he makes this change or not
is up to him.
Whether YOU weather the whole thing ...
depends on YOU.

And the question right now is -
can YOU handle the changes
you're about to see
alone?

SadButHopeful

Yeah, I'm continuing to form a plan. I've heard this before. He's had several "wake up calls" but has ignored them after a while. *sigh*

I'm going to continue with Al Anon even if he does remain sober. His drinking has really made me sick, mentally and emotionally. I'm trying to find a counselor as well. Alcohol is part of our problem but there are def others.

Thank you all for your advice

transformyself

Hi Everybody

Glad to see everyone here searching for answers. You know what they saw about seeking, you shall find.

About this
Hope is not a strategy. And while prayer is essential, you still have to take action.

For me, those two ordinarily essential elements of life-hope and prayer-became a way for me to not take action and live in dysfunction and pain and resentment.

I was hoping and praying for someone else to change how I felt.

Nothing changed until I took the focus off other folks and applied it to myself.

FreeingMyself

SBH - Back in July when I first start to assert myself and my boundaries with my AH, the things I have read in your posts that your AH said are exactly like mine. However, we are now in January....an truly very little has changed. THe routine from July to November, would be I would tell him my expectations, he would "pretend" to acknowledge and want to comply, then when I started to feel a little better he would again come home drunk. This was over annd over...until finally in November I asserted my boundaries and was NOT TURNING BACK. I think that part has probablly really been hard on him, becuase in truth for whatever reason I was not ready to be DONE before. Now however, we have been seperated a month, ,and at this point I don't really believe he has any intention of changing....now his goal is to "guilt" me into submission by using our children, his living situation, my faith/religion to let him come back. Unfortunately for him, that isn't working. I set two boundaries...only two (when Oh I could come up with more!), but neither of which he will acknowledge or attempt to discuss or accept...so guess what...at this point he has not power over me with his manipulative actions and words. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done....because I definately have strong feelings about marriage....but I believe his mother put it best - "He isn't acting like a husband, and it isn't really a marriage at all. You should not let him come back." I have NO idea wha tthe future holds, but it will not be life with an alcoholic...or a dry drunk...as when he didn't drink he would become! There is more to life that this...and my life is so much calmer and peaceful now - no arguing, no walking on eggshells, no watching his depressed self do nothing for days on in. Just me and the kids...and I can smile about that! I don't know your AH, but the story you tell sounds so much like where mine began....just becareful, and believe in yourself and your intuitions!

coffeedrinker

Yay, yay, yay.

I don't know if you've been doing Al-Anon for long, but it's a lifelong commitment for me. Funny, when I thought I was "cured" (half kidding, half serious there) I found myself catapulted back to Step One last summer. Oh, and what a hard crash it was. You never outgrow your need for growth!

SadButHopeful

Thank you! I've only been 3 times, I started about a month and a half ago but it gives me such peace!