kv816

but guilty about my feelings.

I haven't been here in awhile. Not even lingering. The first four pages were all new posts to me.

I had a trigger, brought back some thoughts of exabf tonight and thought I'd jump in here to try to calm myself down. And now I'm somewhat almost feeling a little guilty.

Fact is I don't care anymore. I've been on my own for 8 months now. It's been a slow process. The first few months I cried my eyes out, non stop. Then for awhile I was confused but starting to understood. I went to a meeting online just about every night. I read my Alanon books every night. Picked up my Co-Dependent No More book and was reading it every chance I got. Went to at least one, sometimes two f2f meetings a week.

After all hell broke loose Halloween night between us I got to where I didn't want to understand anymore or try to learn to deal with it because I just didn't give a rats behind anymore. He could do whatever the hell he wanted to because I was done. I didn't want to try to understand it anymore. That's when I went full no contact. Absolutely none whatsoever.

Of course, it only took him 17 days to get in touch with me. He claims the kids' school gave him my new number. I don't even know if that's true. I don't care; knowing won't change anything. We've gotten together a few times since then. And each time he showed up at my place unexpected, uninvited.

The last time he was here I saw a lot of things that I didn't see before. What really got me was my dog. She has changed so much since we moved here too. She's got that puppy life back in her. I never saw my dogs walking on egg shells until last time he was here. She stayed hidden under the table, coward in the corner when he spoke. The kids were fussier. Here was this man that I always felt so comfortable and at peace with at night in bed. The only way I could fall asleep and sleep soundly was knowing he was home and next to me. And when he was here, I couldn't sleep a wink. Just tossed and turned all night.

Is it normal? To just not care anymore? Maybe I've just convinced myself it's never going to be any better so why hang on. I know if I ever saw him with another woman it'd probably tear me apart. But I think that part is normal--what woman wants to see "her" man with someone else? But he can go out and drink his little heart out every night, I don't care. He can drive his drunken butt home with no license, holding a beer, in a stolen car; I don't care. I don't wish him any harm. But if he gets himself into it--not my problem!

I'm just starting to wonder if I'm doing okay. Am I moving forward or have I just pushed all the crap to the back and am forgetting about it? I can almost honestly say I don't feel like I need alanon anymore because I am no longer friend nor family to xabf. Not in my mind anyway.

I almost don't even feel sorry for him anymore. Fact is I just don't care.

But if I didn't care, I wouldn't be here tonight, right?

tjp613

Well, you know what they say.... the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Falling 'out of love' with someone is a process.... 2 steps forward, one step back. I think you're just processing these new thoughts and emotions, learning and growing. Seeing him and your relationship without the blinders on sure makes a difference in your perspective, doesn't it?