I Did it AGAIN!
 

Yep, back here once more, feeling like crap....spent time here in September, went through hell with the XABF, and yep, got roped in ONE more time, and got hurt, ONE more time! I was doing sooo good, then he comes down here (he lives 3 houses down) telling me he might have cancer, had to have some tests done....yada, yada, yada.....I go into MIGHTY CODEPENDANT MODE, pull out my cape, and I'm off the the races! He manages to get scared straight for all of about 70 days, then December 18....he's gone. Off and running again.....and I'm devasted cuz it's the holidays. Why was I surprised? Always the same thing....blocked his number that day, haven't heard a peep since! Back to Alanon, back to starting over at the beginning, back to feeling full of shame. I didn't even want to post again, the shame is so thick. UGH!!!! UGH!!!! UGH!!!!

I decided to post because I need to share this....it doesn't get better, I saw the writing on the wall, and I denied it. He didn't go to meetings much, and just slid into a dry drunk. I am an idiot, and I set myself up. New Year's Eve, alone, again. Actually, I'm getting outta here and going to my Alano Club for a dance. My heart hurts......I have finally let this go. He's God's job, not mine. Happy New Year to all here, and may we all find peace and joy........

Please don't feel bad about coming here. Seems our guys departed on the same day - do you think they have a code for this? or some secret place that sucks them all away? LOL! Glad you have somewhere to go for support and fun. :sparkler

Yes Kassie, they get sucked back into "No-Where-Land" where they can escape reality. I just feel like such a looser to be back in the same old boat. I said today that it feels like it's raining in my head, because insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Geez....you would think somewhere along the line I would have learned my lesson. Ten years gives a woman a lot of lessons...I guess I will start to pay attention, cause God's got it right now, and thats where it needs to stay. Thanks for the input and support!!

Don't feel ashamed! We all get sucked back in at one point or another, thinking that this time its different. I had to make sure I had tried absolutely everything to salvage my marriage before finally realising I was done for good. Use this as a learning experience. Dust yourself off and get back into recovery. Remember to be kind to yourself- don't beat yourself up about it! (((hugs)))

Harley, I'm so sorry that happened. Especially during the holidays. I'm so glad they're over!

Could someone tell me what a dry drunk is?

My understanding of a dry drunk is they have stopped drinking but are doing all the same behaviors. Therefore, nothing has really changed or is going to change. They need to work a program.


:nyag

I too am so glad the holidays are over. As I put away the Christmas ornaments, I realized that this year was just like last year, and the year before that, etc....I think a light bulb went on that the only person doing this to me IS ME. I keep putting myself back into the pain, instead of just staying out of the way and letting God take care of him. The feelings have been coming fast and furious, and sometimes the pain of letting go is so hard I want to climb out of my skin. I also realized that the pain of letting go is getting less than the pain of being with him, hoping and praying that this time will be different, that he will want recovery, and he will change. The AA program is for people who WANT it, not people that NEED it. Just sad today....again......

This is why, for me, no contact is the way it has to be. I don't even want to entertain the idea that I might let myself get sucked back into his nightmare.

Ever.

Still Waters....amen to that.

Here's the insane part, I HAD his number blocked for months, and he got a hold of my sister, and she sent me an e-mail saying he was pretty sick. Soooooo, I took off the block and called him. Geeezzzz, think I would have known better!! Wow, some realizations really hit me hard between the eyes....

That's why I like this place, it's like sorting out my thoughts while I'm typing, and getting excellent input!! Really, a win/win situation!!

It must be hard living so close. You are not an idiot. They are cons. Mine tries different hooks; guilt,sex,the cat needs food, he has tried everything. No contact is the best. It gets better. My therapist used to say she didn't try to stop me from going back.....there was something I hadn't learned yet.

Thank you still waters this is now my new Mantra