Lotus2009

I know nobody but me can answer this question... but I just need some support!
I've pretty much had enough! The past month was horrible (called the police on him at the beginning of the month), christmas was spoiled, my birthday and our 1st yr. anniversary yesterday sucked, he has given me hardly any money for bills for the next month (he doesn't even have his half of rent together yet), and today I come home to find out that he took $10 out of my wallet (not the first time) and went god knows where (with god knows who) after work without telling me (- I just got home from volunteering and found him passed out in bed - he must have been out for at least 4-5 hrs after work).
We talked last Sunday and he told me that he understands what's going on, he is sorry for what happened, and he wants to go to a therapist starting January (when our health insurance kicks in), because the weekly group therapy that he tried didn't work (sidenote: because he wasn't committed to it). So I told him that I was originally thinking about moving out at the beginning of January but that I could wait until beginning of February (moving out only if he isn't committed to staying sober) if he would start working on himself and get and stay sober. After what happened in the past 3 days, I just don't think I want to be around this for another 31 days. And really just want to get out now (I could probably rent a room from a friend's friend).

But my doubts are:
maybe he will actually be able to make it in January, but if I leave he will just binge and feel sorry for himself and not even get his ass to a therapist (but me staying might not make him go either).
I told him I would stick around one more month
I'm pretty sure that as soon as I move out he will cheat on me (or at least try to)
I'm scared he will do something stupid and die (alcohol poisening, leaving the stove/oven on and burning the place down, fall and bust his head open, etc.).

I don't know what to do... this whole going back and forth between wanting to move out but then not wanting to move out is driving me crazy!

LaTeeDa

If you are so powerful that you can make him binge, cheat, and even kill himself, then why are you not powerful enough to make him stop?

You are allowed to change your mind. You told him you would stay for another month. Things have changed and you have changed your mind. Has he ever told you he would do something and then done something else?

L

scaredtochange

I feel the same way. I make plans one day, and the next day he does better. Then backpeddling. It makes you nuts. I'm at a loss right along with you.

LaTeeDa

Of course he will play the "getting better" game if it gets him what he wants. If he really wants recovery, he will do it regardless of anything you do.

L

coffeedrinker

of course there is a chance he will slide back even further if you leave. ok.
what laTeeda says is quite true - you don't really have any power. it's the ILLUSION of power than can help to keep us stuck.

if you do wield some influence, then i would think leaving him because of his behavior/drinking would send the strongest message. he can then decide if he wants to become the man he needs to be to try and get you back

pray4joy

I haven't had the power to influence my AH for longer than maybe 10 days at a time. Once or twice a few weeks after many rehabs (some he drank right away or during out-patient sessions). You might find if you stay things progress to get worse - that is the nature of alcoholism. If you find that you are getting too uncomfortable, you can always change your mind and make arrangements to go later. If you are in a position to have a "back-up" bail-out, then I salute you.

suki44883

I can't answer that question for you, but for myself, yes, I would beat feet.

transformyself

Hi Lotus

My first inclination is to say, "why yes mah dear, get the hell out of there." But you're right only you can answer that.

If he's going to get better after you've moved out, then the two of you can move back in together. After all, he'll be better. You will be able to trust him, rely on him and the two of you will have great communication. That sounds like a great plane. When he accomplishes those things, you can live together again.

If you're staying because you're afraid he'll cheat, that's not a very healthy motivation. I lived in fear like that for 18 months. It controlled me.

This might help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Happy New Year! You'll sort it out and do what's best for you!

tjp613

I think the real question you should ask yourself is "Am I willing to live this way now?" If you don't pin your hopes on 'what ifs' and just look at WHAT IS, how do you feel?

isurvived

I've learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease... whether I was there or not.

myawakening

Lotus...only you can decide what is right for you. What I've heard from many other people with the same situation as ours is that "you will know when the time is right". That used to drive me nuts because I would think will I really know? What if I miss the sign...the moment...the incident that would push me to do what I knew deep down was right for me?

Odd thing is...you REALLY do know when your time is up. You simply can no longer live in the situation anymore and nothing matters, but taking care of you.

One suggestion to you though...if you get to the point that you decide to leave...make sure you have a rock solid plan on how to move out and take care of yourself. If you are the least bit uncomfortable with your plan...you won't stick to it. You will back down and return. Once you do that...they will walk all over you. I speak from experience. The first time I wasn't prepared...this time I was.

Good luck!

JenT1968

this wasn't the case for me, I was acutely uncomfortable with my plan beforehand, I wasn't sure it was the right thing. This wasn't a snap decision, I had been visiting these boards for 3? miserable years and was acutely unhappy in my alcoholic marriage. On balance I felt it was very probably the right thing, but I still had doubts, I still wanted so desperately to believe his promises, & was upset that I was hurting him & our children. Once I made the decision and started to carry it through I was very happy, almost ecstatic, that I was going to be free of the anxiety and madness most of the time, that I would have my own peaceful home, but I also felt very uncomfortable too. Very occaisionally I still have fleeting doubts now, that is how I am programed to think, I am relearning patterns of healthier thinking by reading, coming here, going to therapy.

I am not sure I ever would have been completely sure beforehand.

For me it has been a huge blessing and relief, I know I have made the right decision, however sad I am that the decision had to be made, however much I still love him and wish that we could have had a different path together. For me it came down to (and always this had been there in my head) two choices: I either accepted the situation exactly as it was and became happy and contented to live with that, or I got the hell out of dodge.

I knew I had tried with every fibre to do the former, and I couldn't be content, I was being destroyed, and not only was that not the sign of a character flaw, but it was a healthy thing to do to end this misery.

WizeDeb

Something clicked this time around for me. You will know when the best time to leave him will be. I stuck around for 18 years. One day I woke up and thought to myself "enough is enough" Its hard, but I know in the long run it will be the best thing I ever did. I have my up and down days, but the up days are beginning to out weigh the down days. Good luck, and please try to do whats best for YOU!

transformyself

The same thing happened to me. My HP tricked me, I think.

I had: a moving truck in the driveway, friends to help move and a new house rented when this happened to me. I was still trying to figure out how to not move out with the kids and stay with AH.

He repeteadly came in the room, drunk, while I was trying to sleep to tell me why he was divorcing me. For the first time, I didnt follow him weeping. I repeated these sentences to myself, that I had just found on the internet, until I fell asleep. It was a miracle, seriously.

I AM LEAVING YOU NOW
THIS IS MY CHOICE
I AM FREE OF YOU AND YOUR TOXIC BEHAVOIRS
ALL IS FOR MY GREATER GOOD


I feel asleep instead of following him around crying for the first time EVER. I woke up the next day at 5am. AH was passed out on the couch and I started singing and packing that truck. For a good 6 weeks I laughed out loud every morning when I woke up and realized I had left. I escaped!

I too did not know the freedom I would experience. I fought and fought it. Kept trying to fix the problem by doing the same things I had been doing. I finally let go and started flying!

Bernadette

Lotus - you say you don;t think you can take another 30 days of this.
I believe you!

What's holding you back?
Does the answer begin with "What if he...?"
Then you're basing your life around someone else's decisions and this will keep you stuck and miserable and at the whims of him & his behavior.

He stole money from you.
You had to call the police on him.
He passes out from booze.
He did not commit to therapy before.

These are facts, true today and true tomorrow. Basing this decision on some future fantasy or what ifs is not living in reality and is a slippery slope down to the river of pain.

What's best for Lotus, and her life, and her mental health right now, today?

peace-
b

Lotus2009

Thank you all so much for your input ... I'm still processing all the wise words!

I hope you all have a very happy new year!

littlefish

I wouldn't make my plans on that kind of "if".
You are assuming positive changes will happen if he manages to stay sober. A lot of the changes aren't always positive.

A lot of couples split up after one of the partners sobers up. I am not saying this to be overly negative, but consider the fact that lots of people fall in love with the alcoholic and when the alcoholic sobers up they wonder: "hey, who is this person? I don't know this person!"
All your worries are about him messing up or hurting himself or cheating on you if you leave him/don't leave and he drinks/doesn't drink. You being there or not is not going to make a difference, he will do all of these things anyway, or not. You aren't a factor, it is his internal mechanism and his alcoholism that drives him, not anyone or anything around him.

Lotus2009

Thank you again for all your responses and for pointing out that I let my fantasy thinking get in the way of reality.

I know that is something I'm struggling with (and always have). I re-read a great article from a person that writes about people living in dysfunctional relationships (the link was posted on here by someone not too long ago - Sandra Says :), as well as the hooks page that was stickied (thanks transformyself). And I recognize that the fantasy thinking and the illusion of power plays a big role in my hesitation to move out!

I am also starting to recognize my responsibility in the mess that our marriage has become and am trying to take responsibility when it comes to my emotions. How he is treating me is not right, but the way I deal with my emotions is also extremely unhealthy and has an effect on the dysfuntional relationship we are now having (I am not saying that to minimize his behavior, simply seeing that we both play a part in this).

My decision to move out right away was mainly spurred by anger. I decided that I want to make that decision more rationally and will observe his actions over the next 2 weeks - if I don't see that he is working on himself and putting work into our marriage, I will start to PLAN my move for the end of the month. Moving is stressful and I think I need to take it slow and know exactly what I'm doing (not sure if I'm expressing this right, I just don't want to pack in a hurry and run - that would just be even more stressful and I don't want that type of stress). Maybe I will change my mind again after an arguement - but please bear with me. I hope you're not frustrated by my decision. This is all part of me trying to get on the path of recovery and I know that I continously make steps forward, then fall back, just to move forward again. PLEASE bear with me! I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!