KeepPedaling

I've been feeling stronger about my decision to go my own way, but still feel a connection between my xabf and I. I'm sure he texts and/or emails each day because he doesn't want to lose that connection. Based on a few texts, I made the mistake of calling him a few nights ago. I foolishly thought he'd be sober. He wasn't. I didn't realized this until he started yelling irrationally when I said his family loved him. I began to cry, not because I was being yelled at, but because I realized he was drunk and lying about it again.

He followed that up by sending a VERY long email a few days later (yesterday), which claimed he wasn't drunk during that phone call and that he was on the road to recovery. Among the promises to live a sober life, he let me know that it was very difficult for him when I told him how hurt I was. (He likes to say I'm "angry" all the time. I had reminded him that I spent my fair share of time crying and hurting and it wasn't fair to say I was "always" angry at him). Honestly, I only feel anger when I'm talking to him and he's flat out lying to me. So in the email he was letting me know that I "make" him "feel like a loser" when I tell him I'm hurt by his choices.

Anyway, in this email, he almost sounded together (if he would have not spent an entire paragraph on how I shouldn't talk to him about how I feel it might have been a little better). He told me not to worry about him because someone gave him some food to hold him over til he has money again. Do you think he was saying that to make me feel bad? Or was he genuinely trying to help me not to worry?

We texted back and forth for a bit later that evening (last night). I told him that the constant emails and texts were making it very difficult for me to heal. I asked him to not contact me again until he'd been sober for an honest month, and I explained why (my emotional well-being). He texted, "So just texting updates is ok, right?). I said that it wasn't. He texted, "Fine! I'll talk to you in 28 days!). By the way, in his email he said that he hadn't had anything to drink since Christmas. With that statement - 28 days - he was admitting he was drunk when we last spoke.

He texted me a few more times after I signed off from texting for the night, which means he was probably drinking.

Sober, he is a man of his word. The thing that gets me is that I'm surprised by his lying. Each time he drinks and lies about it, I'm surprised. Why? I think perhaps it's because I've never known him as a drinker, so I'm learning that he's all about lying when he's drinking. I guess I have a hard time believing that he's reeeeally that sick. I guess I thought he was further along in his recovery.

I just keep thinking he's going to snap out of it. He has a few days more and then school starts. He cannot continue to drink and be successful in school. Before I felt so confident that he would only be drinking during his winter break and then he would snap out of it. But now, I'm scared for him.

Thanks for listening. I think that if it weren't for this forum, I'd have raced down there to rescue him over a month ago when he first started drinking again. I might not be perfect, but I know this forum (the people in it) have helped me get through this is a MUCH healthier way than I would have alone. Thanks again.

FindingPeace1

I appreciate your sharing. It helps to hear other working through lying, deflecting, burying, drinking, our own distrust, etc.
Hugs to you.

Wife

Forever4you

One of the things that has really helped me is that I went on an all out fact finidng mission about the disease of alcoholism. I'm not sure why I didn't do that years ago but with my XAH seriously in recovery and working very hard at it I felt drawn to study on the disease.

I read the book "Under the Influence" and also "The Dr.'s Opinion from the AA Big Book" and suddenly I found myself at peace with so much that had happened in the past with my A. I felt as though I had answers to the why of the lies, the hurt, the deception and for once I started to look at my XAH in a whole different light. I learned a great deal that I didn't know and it has really helped me to process many things and gain some peace.

I'm the kind of person that always feels much better about anything once I learn almost everything I can about the subject whether it's investing money, baking a cake or alcoholism. I don't know if that would be of any help to you but I wanted to share that it did give me some much needed answers to many of my "why" questions.

KeepPedaling

Forever, which book would you recommend if I were to chose one for now?

Forever4you

"Under the Influence". You can pick one up from Amazon for under $7.00 and it was a wealth of information about the physiological aspects of the disease known as Alcohlism.

Also on this forum if you go in the Alcoholism section there are some pages from it in the stickies. I read the whole thing in one day. Could not put it down.

bookwyrm

I'd second that recommendation - Under the Influence really helped me get to grips of the disease model of alcoholism. While it doesn't excuse his behaviour, it helped me understand that the things he did he didn't do to me, he just did them. It's what alcoholics do and I needed to get out of the firing line!

KeepPedaling

I'll get the book. Thanks you guys.