WizeDeb

So AH has been attending meetings and as far as I know is sober. Good for him, but.. There is always a butt in everything. Now it seems that Im suppose to forgive him and take him back. He has been calling my friends asking them "What does she want?" "What is she doing" "Is she seeing anyone?".

Ive been really good with the no contact rule unless its about our daughter, emergencies or bills. My friends are getting annoyed and sooner or later they are going to tell him to stop calling. He is claiming he has such deep feelings and he has never felt like this before. He is so hurt, blah blah blah. I do belive in some sort of warped way he is sorry, but for goodness sake, focus on something else besides what Im doing. Never mattered before what I felt or wanted. I not going to call him, but its very annoying to me. Guess its a trigger and I just have to let it go.

Before I would even think about taking him back it would be after he is sober for a year, living on his own and making a life for himself. Even then I dont think it would ever work. I dont think I could ever trust, stop nagging or get rid of the resentment I have towards him or myself. Dunno? Any words of wisdom ladies?

nodaybut2day

No words of wisdom here, just sympathy. I understand completely what you describe: lack of trust and resentment. My XAH didn't even go to any meetings; he just says he stopped drinking and then tried to get me to take him back. Fat chance.

IMO, if you have doubts or nagging feelings pulling at your heart, listen to them. So often, I've been in situations where I WISH I had listened to my gut instinct telling me to hold back, wait, and see what happens. Invariably, that instinct is bang on. In my case, I have simply decided that whatever XAH does, whether recovery or not, I don't want him back. I want a new life for myself and he's not invited.

CocoaBean

That is the same place I am at right now. I know that deep down he is probably sorry for doing all the things he has done in the past two months, but he wont get help and continues to drink. I am starting a new life without him in it, and that is the only way for me to look after me right now and not fall into the trap of falling back into the same place I was for so long.

tigger11

There is sooooo much recidivism where alcoholics are concerned. Stick to your guns. If his recovery is real, it'll be lasting. If he truly loves you, he'll wait until YOU'RE ready. Just my opinion.

Insulated

perhaps it isn't you that he wants so badly. Maybe it's the false identity he finds when he uses his DOC and therefore abuses and overpowers you,that he misses.

Forever4you

My XAH is sober and also in recovery. This is his third attempt at sobriety but this time I see a miraculous difference in him and in the effort he is making. Maybe it's because I went through with my threat this time and did divorce him. Maybe it's because his family and I chose to let him go and fall as far as a person can fall so that he either got sober or died homeless on the street. Maybe his HP stepped in and shoved him face first into a black hole of loss to help him get the message. Regardless of the reason for the change in this attempt, he is sober and he is working at it like I have never seen him do before.

He and I still talk often. We love each other and we have talked about the possibility of a future at some point. But HE (not me) says if we are meant to find our way back to each other that we will because it will be in God's plan for us and not a plan of our making. And HE (not me) has said he feels we owe it each other to take a year to do nothing but work on getting healthy so that we can either end up back together someday in a healthy relationship or go on to have a healthy relationship with someone new. You cannot imagine what a change that is coming from the man I lived with for 12 years.

The fact that your AH is pushing to come back after only a short time of sobriety could mean he has not yet figured out that he can't be in a healthy relationship with you until he does the work that comes with a full commitment to sobriety. I certainly don't know. But if my XAH were beggin me to come back now I think I would see that as him wanting to get back to where we were before I walked away....meaning him drinking and me enabling.

mmeat

Hey there guys. I just wanted to say a thank you to you all who post your thoughts and feelings on your situations and your Alcoholic husbands. I am one of the husbands who is most likely an alcoholic...but has not let it get in the way of a healthy relationship or stopped me from being a great father.

However: I was close to letting it all go a couple of times. When I read threads like these, it strengthens my resolve to stop drinking the way I usually do, and to make my amazing wife and kids the #1 thing in my life.

Thanks guys
MMeat

dothi

H WizeDeb, just my two cents.

It sounds like your AH is still in the addictive thinking. Black and white. All or nothing. All it will take is one thing - just one magical thing - to fix this problem. Can't be booze - that's what I leaned at the meetings. No, wait. Maybe it was WizeDeb... Yes, that's it. Maybe if I can get WizeDeb back again, that'll solve all my problems.

Try not to take it personally. Even tell your friends that you don't want to know if he's been asking about you.

When I catch wind of obsessive thinking from an addict it's usually been a sign that the addict-based thinking is still active. How nice it would be to actually be the focus on someone's thoughts. However, the reality is that it is the addict looking for the one magical cure to their problems. They are still side-stepping their personal work by shifting the focus to you.

WizeDeb

I knew you ladies would understand. I thank you all so much. Dothi you hit the nail right on the head. Look Deb Im sober now let me back in the house so you can continue to take care of everything. Voila Im cured. Except Deb isnt falling for it this time.