nodaybut2day

Hi all,
I've been somewhat absent from the board for a bit (instead of my usual overactive overposting self!), so I could take a break and reflect on things. XAH is around, behaving "nicely", and has skipped 2 visits with DD, so I haven't seen him a lot. He did his usual best to try to reel me into his personal drama (something about his son supposedly looking at online pornography), but I resisted. I'm still working on not always making things easiest for HIM and trying to figure out where my boundaries with him lie.

I've been trying to write down some reflections based on the questions of Step 1, in the step work thread. One question in particular jumped out at me: "How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?"

I am realizing that I have sought approval from others since I was a little girl...first from my parents, then my friends, then my coworkers, then my boyfriends, my clients, etc etc. I have always felt a need to be "liked", to be "popular" and "respected". I realize that I have done so many things to get my fix of being liked: I've worked hard at work/school, I've gone the extra mile to please/show off, I've told tall tales to impress or to sounds solicitous, I've lied to cover things I felt ashamed of, I've agreed to do things even though I didn't agree or I felt severely compromised, I've said outrageous things or done stupid/dangerous thigns to get noticed (by men), ...ugh, the list goes on. I sound like a horrid person.

I'm starting to see that most of my relationships are coloured by my vast need to please, to be liked and not to rub anyone the wrong way. Being able to say "no" is still very challenging for me. This is obviously how I got myself into soul-sucking relationships and then couldn't for the life of me dig myself out!

I need to break this pattern. I want to begin anew, but I see evidence of it creeping into my daily interactions with people. I'm almost afraid to interact with people because then I see that behaviour creeping in and I inwardly stop and say AHAH, THERE YOU ARE! and then recoil back.

Is anyone else struggling with this? How have you managed to change this?

myawakening

Noday...I can't speak for the group, but I am that very same person you describe above...to a tee.

I learned that behavior from having two parents that should have never been married...much less bring two children in the world that they were ill equipt to raise. My father was physically and verbally abusive to my mom and she in turned learned to lean on my brother and I far more than she should. Little kids should not have to take care of their parents.

My mom had a minor breakdown and looked to me (being the oldest) to 'help' her. I was the buffer between her and my father. I can't count how many times I had to come between them when he was hitting her. This set the pattern for me to be the people pleaser my whole life. I swore I would never marry a man like my father and I'll be damned if I didn't do just that...only my husband abused alcohol. My father was just plain NUTS.

If you can get to the root of why you developed these coping skills (and yes...they are skills you develop early in life as a means to deal with things in your childhood)...you might be able to find a way to break the cycle.

I would love to hear the feedback from the group. I struggle with this each day...

FindingPeace1

I was just journaling about this this morning!
I reread an old entry that said, "He won't ALLOW me to bring up...blah blah blah."
So that struck me. He has that power?

No, but he causes a stink and I recoil. I accommodate. I avoid. I minimize. I forget. I let it go. I deny. Whatever.

People pleasing.

I don't want to upset him (perhaps, justly, because he's a pill when he's upset), but I end up giving myself up in the process for niceness. At what cost? What benefit?
What if I said it, did it or whatever and took the consequences? Was the me I wanted to be? Real? Said what was true for me? No vitriol. No punishing. Just authentic. Told him where I was at?
Then I would be being true to me and him and he could do whatever he wanted. Then I could see his ACTIONS. How he behaved. Because that's real.
I was living in 'I'll avoid the hard stuff and he'll be wonderful' ...and the wonderful is real, right? Except it was wonderful at a cost. But I thought it was all good.
The more genuine I get, the more crummy he gets. Holy cow.
My people pleasing gets me people pleasing in response from my partner and in-authenticity all the way around!

So, yes. I get you.

I benefit from bringing my junk into the light.
I don't want all my junk. My fear. My self-hatred. My inertia. My hopelessness. My anger. My resentment. My helplessness. My feelings of worthlessness and unloveableness. The places I'm stuck. The places I'm unreasonable, judgemental, holier than thou, terrified, avoiding.

It reminds me of you seeing all this stuff in yourself and exclaiming how messed up you are.

But, we must remind ourselves that EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE is wounded. Broken. Has a past. A history. Pain. Fear. Junk. Stuff. Issues. Weaknesses. A dark side. Whatever you want to call it. Everyone.

And I see my reaction to my AH's dishonesty and secretiveness and self-abuse is my own reaction to my own junk...or perhaps junk in general! I hate junk! Don't remind me it exists, for fear I have to face it in myself.

But, the fact that we are beginning to SEE it, well that's on the path of growth! All we have to do is make a space for it. Allow it. Don't beat ourselves up. Don't bury. Don't deny. Don't react. Just allow. Make space. Love ourselves. Understand. Observe. Allow.

Then the paradox arises. The more we look and don't judge, the more the pain eases. The more peace occurs. The less junk.

May you allow yourself to be yourself in all that arises.

Hugs,

Wife