JenT1968

sorry SbH that turned into a rant about my situation

SadButHopeful

Hey don't worry about it, rant away! I didn't know that the courts could make them do breathalysers. I would think that the person should be supervised though, because what the heck stops them from drinking during the visit?

I don't think I feel hopeless, I am hopeful that God will help me in some way to do the right thing for my family and that I will be accepting of it and even happy. I haven't stopped caring, quite the opposite, I work really hard to keep my family fed, clean, and functioning.

I'm trying to get to a place where I accept my situation, and accept that I have to do all the work. It will always be my hope and prayer that my husband will make the right choices, but I'm thinking that I have to accept that it's possible that it may never be God's will for him to recover.

I'm not going anywhere, this forum is a Godsend!

I am doing my best to stay together, mainly for the kids, because I know how horribly painful divorce would be for them. They're too young. I'll be taking them to Al Ateen when they're old enough. Maybe the day will come when THEY will want us to divorce, maybe not. Maybe we can stay together.

I don't know, I go back and forth so much. There are some days when it seems unbearable and I just want to get the hell out, but then after I've seen it through, I'm still here, and I'm glad that I am.

I'm off to Al Anon today, looking forward to it!

JenT1968

just to be clear, the breathalyser is something I put in place, & he complies (to my complete shock tbh), I have no idea what I can ask for from the courts, I guess I am about to find out. Also I'm in the UK so all legal issues completely different.

GiveLove

sadbuthopeful,

If you were to have the opportunity to meet grown-up versions of your children -- children raised in an alcoholic household, with anger and resentments on one side, and an unpredictable drunk on the other -- you would no longer be able to live under the illusion that this is best for the children.

I am one of those kids whose parents stayed because of god, or because they convinced themselves it was best for me, etc etc, but really because it was just easier to stay. I won't tell you my sad story - you can find it in other places - but I can tell you that I will probably never forgive my parents for not finding the courage to create a safe, calm, stable environment for me to grow up in.

Just a thought, from the perspective of your kids grown up (me): making it your kids' responsibility to create their own childhood environment by telling you to divorce? Do you not find that a bit unfair? They are children, and helpless in this situation. Whose responsibility is it to ensure that they grow up free of the danger and chaos and psychological damage of living with an active drunk?

SadButHopeful

Thanks for your reply. I would actually like to hear your story if you are willing to share it, you can pm me if you want. I really do want to hear real stories from ACOA to help me to make the right decisions.

I just returned from an ACOA open Al Anon meeting. Unfortunately I couldn't stay long bc I had to take my baby with me and I could tell he was getting tired, so I had to leave early to get him to sleep before he interrupted things. So today's meeting wasn't helpful to me at all.

So, on one hand I think it's unfair for the kids, but I think it would also be unfair to rip them away from their father, who they adore, and who doesn't abuse them, when they are so young (oldest is 6). The kids are very attached to both of us.

Even if I did leave, they still would have an alcoholic father. Leaving him doesn't cure things for them, does it? How would it help them for me to leave? If I left, I would STILL be angry and resentful.

*sigh* keep talking to me, friends, please

DesertEyes

You can find us over here:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

please forgive my confusion here. You say he does not abuse them, but way at the top of this thread you posted that he was drinking and did not participate in the evenings activities. He was not at the dinner table to interact with the children, did not help put them to bed, did not help with discipline and setting an example.

I don't know about you, but where I come from that is called "neglect". What your children are learning from his example is that the proper way for an adult to behave is to withdraw from their responsibilities. They are learning that their needs and feelings are not important. That they themselves are not important.

Who do you think your children are going to be attracted to when they grow up and are looking for a spouse? Who is their role model today for what a parent should be?

I think you're right. You're being angry and resentful won't help them. However, you have a choice. You can get yourself into recovery, or get a good therapist, or whatever it takes to help _you_ get rid of the anger and resentment. That is something that _will_ help your children.

Once you get your own emotions under control, once you can see your life thru the eyes of your children, that is when you will be able to make decision that are in the best interests of your little ones and yourself. Whether you keep that "couch pillow" in your life or not is not the issue. The issue is that as long as your own emotions are out of control you can't make a _wise_ decision.

Am I making sense with all that?

Mike

BuffaloGal

Well, I was not able to detach with love until long after we were living separately and his behavior stopped affecting me 99% of the time. I was not able to even detach neutrally until I admitted to myself that I did not want to be in a relationship with him.


NDBTD: I found a smiley for puking on a partners of porn addicts bulletin board! They need it even more than we do.

Chrysalis123

I am one that left AXH and I can only share my experience. One way it has helped my kids is now they get to watch their mom putting in place healthy boundaries for myself. In turn, they are beginning to use healthy boundaries for themselves as they learn new ways to relate to the world.

Example: My 9th grader was being manipulated by her partner in a school project. She told me how frustrated she was because she wasn't getting to use the equipment due to the irresponsibility and manipulations from the partner. She and I talked through several scenarios of how she could choose
to respond to the situation. She and I discussed how she could not control this other person, but she had choices in how to respond. I reminded her that she did not cause this person to act that way either and my daughter then remembered other situations with this kid that showed she used other people. This helped my daughter not take the behavior personally, which she tends to do.

Due to me spending the majority of her childhood being a doormat to her dad, being over responsible and then resentful, and watching and absorbing her dad's emotional abuse of all of us, she has been afraid to be honest. A people pleaser like I used to be. I inadvertently taught her that. I taught her to accept unacceptable behavior, hide, go invisible. She is imitating the old me.

So, after our talk she mulled it over and came up with a great solution for herself. She mustered up the courage to tell someone she had needs, and her idea for a solution. She solved the problem herself. She was on cloud nine that day.

Proud mom moment for me.

Now, my kids and I are learning new ways to respond to their dad. Nothing has changed with his behavior other than it getting worse. But as I learn more and become more recovered I hope I am giving them the tools to break the cycle. I am probably 3rd generation ACOA.

SadButHopeful

Thanks for the link!

Yeah, you're right, that is neglect and I hurt for them. Still, if I left, they would still be neglected by him. If I left, how do I explain it to them? Daddy's neglecting you, so we're leaving?

Won't he still be their father, and a role model who they're going to learn from? Is it possible for me to validate their feelings while we are all living together and protect them, instead of staying and being in denial at the same time?

DesertEyes

How about: "I won't allow in my home a man that doesn't treat you with respect". "Just because he's your biological father does not mean we are going to allow him to treat you that way". "We're leaving because you deserve better, and together we're going to build a better life for all of us".

Sure. But it takes _lots_ of al-anon for you, ala-tot for them today and ala-teen when they are older. It takes _continuous_ and _fearless_ sticking to your boundaries. Basically, you're going to have another child in the house, one that you can't trust to drive your kids to school, pick 'em up from doctors apointments, leave them alone in the house. It _can_ be done, and many people in al-anon do, but you're going to need a _lot_ of support from a counselor, a sponsor, etc.

Whatever you choose to do, we'll be here for you 24/7

Mike

LaTeeDa

I did share some of my ACOA experience with you earlier in this thread. You might want to go back and read it again. This time, try to see the parallels with your own life.

L

tchappy

I used to think like this and then I read Codependent No More and in that book I found this paragraph...

" I believe God allows certain people to come into our lives. But, I also believe we are responsible for our choices and behaviors in inititating, maintaining and discontinuing these relationships when appropriate."
"It's not God's will that we stay miserable and stay in miserable relationships."

This truly helped me to understand that it was OK not to stay in misery.