Letting Go- Anyone recognize this ?
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Letting Go- Anyone recognize this ?
After pondering the past week and the end of my two year relationship with alcoholic ex-fiance I have a lot of crazy emotions.
The thing I find most hard to let go of is the idea that someday he will realize how much I loved him and what he threw away. What he really traded for alcohol.
Deep down I know this is not likely. He will probably just keep going on blaming me or anyone else handy.
Did anyone else have this hope/feeling? I am truly done and want to be. How to get past this?
The thing I find most hard to let go of is the idea that someday he will realize how much I loved him and what he threw away. What he really traded for alcohol.
Deep down I know this is not likely. He will probably just keep going on blaming me or anyone else handy.
Did anyone else have this hope/feeling? I am truly done and want to be. How to get past this?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 20
Yes I do ............. Please read my post "is it my fault???"
I think your gonna relate to it... also a miracle has happened to me, something has clicked. I've never ever felt like this, always felt right up until today just the same as you..... I love him, will he change for someone else? panic!!!!I can't let him down, I can help him change etc etc etc
I think your gonna relate to it... also a miracle has happened to me, something has clicked. I've never ever felt like this, always felt right up until today just the same as you..... I love him, will he change for someone else? panic!!!!I can't let him down, I can help him change etc etc etc
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I think that feeling passes with time.
There is no doubt I have/had the hope that my XA would show up and say to me ALL of the things he said to me about his ex when he wanted her back. That he can't live without her, she's so special...etc. and OUCH to my heart.
But that will not happen. And everyday I realize how grateful I should be that will not happen. If he did, do I want someone who needs to drink to be able to go to sleep, who has moments where he will do coke when offered, who is so emotionally unstable I would be walking on eggshells for my entire life, who was never truly honest with me in the first place?
These are the questions that keep me grounded.
The fact of the matter is that YOU KNOW what he lost. It's all an ego thing when we want them to realize what they lost....it's natural.
I have had a few guys in my past who I wish would wake up one day and think "damn, I really wish I had held on to her!".....and those same guys now, I could care less what they think, because I sure as he** don't want them.
This feeling you have will pass.
I was watching a show the other night and they were talking about 6.5 billion people in the world, and my first thought was "6.5 billion people!!! and i'm stuck on ONE! ONE who wasn't even great to me!?...shoot, i'll CERTAINLY meet someone else out of 6.5 BILLION!"
There is no doubt I have/had the hope that my XA would show up and say to me ALL of the things he said to me about his ex when he wanted her back. That he can't live without her, she's so special...etc. and OUCH to my heart.
But that will not happen. And everyday I realize how grateful I should be that will not happen. If he did, do I want someone who needs to drink to be able to go to sleep, who has moments where he will do coke when offered, who is so emotionally unstable I would be walking on eggshells for my entire life, who was never truly honest with me in the first place?
These are the questions that keep me grounded.
The fact of the matter is that YOU KNOW what he lost. It's all an ego thing when we want them to realize what they lost....it's natural.
I have had a few guys in my past who I wish would wake up one day and think "damn, I really wish I had held on to her!".....and those same guys now, I could care less what they think, because I sure as he** don't want them.
This feeling you have will pass.
I was watching a show the other night and they were talking about 6.5 billion people in the world, and my first thought was "6.5 billion people!!! and i'm stuck on ONE! ONE who wasn't even great to me!?...shoot, i'll CERTAINLY meet someone else out of 6.5 BILLION!"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Acceptance is hard. I'm a basically optimistic person, so I tend to believe things will get better. I'm to the point where I realize that I have to accept the current reality, and not live on "what ifs". All I can hope to do is make the best decision for me based on what I feel and know now. No one can know the future.
So maybe someday your ex will look at things differently, or maybe he won't. Meanwhile, you have a life to lead. Good luck - be happy!
So maybe someday your ex will look at things differently, or maybe he won't. Meanwhile, you have a life to lead. Good luck - be happy!
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Hi Jules- i did read your thread- so similiar!
This man has come crawling back to me several times and I have taken him back.
This time I am afraid for my life, my home , my pets. He is out on bond and is drinking steadily all over town.
Because of what I found his ex-employer knows he has been stealing, something even I did not know until he was arrested in the domestic incident. The county atty has already filed spousal abuse charges and now the people he worked for my also file charges.
He has told me that the only way out of this is if we are both dead. All the while communicating with an old girlfriend.
What kind of person would do this- also what kind of person would be with someone like this?
This man has come crawling back to me several times and I have taken him back.
This time I am afraid for my life, my home , my pets. He is out on bond and is drinking steadily all over town.
Because of what I found his ex-employer knows he has been stealing, something even I did not know until he was arrested in the domestic incident. The county atty has already filed spousal abuse charges and now the people he worked for my also file charges.
He has told me that the only way out of this is if we are both dead. All the while communicating with an old girlfriend.
What kind of person would do this- also what kind of person would be with someone like this?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 20
You gotta stop blaming yourself xx I've read that they have to be face down on the floor with nothin and no one before they maybe turn themselves around. Listen I didn't just get this wise in the hrs today, I just got real and woke up to what I knew all along. Why did I put up with him, because I loved him unconditionaly, but I just realised I want it back. Maybe I'll compromise on the unconditional but the love, NEVER.... I've got a kind, loving forgiving heart and I deserve it back, just like you xx
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
I understand what you are saying. It is strange but I felt something coming on for several months- ever since he started drinking again. Deep down, I knew it would be bad. I guess I just kept putting off the inevitable. Hoping he would wake up. Apparently, I almost let it go too far. Thank God for all the support I have found in the past week.
I don't miss the ranting and rages and blaming. In fact enjoying the peace and quiet, I just hate the thought of seeing him with someone else. Why, I don't know- he can be someone elses problem, I know in my head that he is a major problem.
I don't miss the ranting and rages and blaming. In fact enjoying the peace and quiet, I just hate the thought of seeing him with someone else. Why, I don't know- he can be someone elses problem, I know in my head that he is a major problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
What you are feeling is part of the grieving process... it too will pass if given enough time and space. When you backtrack and get involved again with him (as in the past) it becomes even more evident just how selfish and unaware they are of the feelings others have... I don't think it really sinks in just what they have at stake.... as nothing is as important as the alcohol. Nothing.
Be safe.
Be safe.
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by isurvived 
What you are feeling is part of the grieving process... it too will pass if given enough time and space. When you backtrack and get involved again with him (as in the past) it becomes even more evident just how selfish and unaware they are of the feelings others have... I don't think it really sinks in just what they have at stake.... as nothing is as important as the alcohol. Nothing.
Be safe.
Be safe.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Oh Miyah, I would venture a guess that everybody who belongs to, and posts on this forum, possibly without exception, hopes for a time that their x's will realize what they gave up (us), and what they traded it for (alcohol). To us it's a DAH, but alcohol is the mistress that they are addicted to, and the chances are they'll never realize what to us is a simple choice. I'm so sorry that you're suffering! I noticed that you're doing something that took me a LONG time to do that's super positive though. You're remembering the things you DON'T miss. Good for you! Keep getting stronger. You're doing great!
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Thanks Tigger
It so helps to hear from people who have been through this. Yesterday was the first day I had felt sad for the break up. I guess maybe I had been in shock from the total chaos that happened 10 days ago,and perhaps distracted by all the legal stuff going on.
But I am also glad there will be no more begging, pleading and trying to convince him that his drinking again, indeed is the reason we were in the ditch again. It is truly a relief not to have anything left to say to him.
I can see what his blaming accusing and demeaning over just the last three months did did to me. In just that short time, my self-esteem fell apart, my grades dropped and I just lost hope for life.
This bout of drinking was worse than the one last year. He was much angrier and hatleful, I guess from not drinking all summer.
It so helps to hear from people who have been through this. Yesterday was the first day I had felt sad for the break up. I guess maybe I had been in shock from the total chaos that happened 10 days ago,and perhaps distracted by all the legal stuff going on.
But I am also glad there will be no more begging, pleading and trying to convince him that his drinking again, indeed is the reason we were in the ditch again. It is truly a relief not to have anything left to say to him.
I can see what his blaming accusing and demeaning over just the last three months did did to me. In just that short time, my self-esteem fell apart, my grades dropped and I just lost hope for life.
This bout of drinking was worse than the one last year. He was much angrier and hatleful, I guess from not drinking all summer.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hi Miyah
Welcome to our home!
I'm a little surprised no one has commented on this:
You've already said you're afraid for you life, which I'm glad to see you take his threats serioulsy. He does.
I've had friends murdered by their psychopath boyfriends/husbands after they've left. Several. I never understood why my friends, and their parents (both women moved back home) didn't take those threats seriously. Or why they didn't get a shot gun and carry it around with them. I would.
My AH made one threat to me, well, tons of aggressive behavoir too, but I called the domestic violence place in town and they helped me sooo much. Didn't take much. They just told me somewhere along the lines I lost my boundaries. And after about two days of thinking on that one, I realized they were right and fixed it.
Fortunatly, my AH isn't the kind of guy to kill me. Or strike me. He's just a raging drunk.
But those feelings of desperation and wanting him to love me actually went away. That's the good news. I kept working--hard--on letting go, on taking care of myself and on understanding how i got to a place where I could stay with an abuser anyway.
You'll get there too!
Welcome to our home!
I'm a little surprised no one has commented on this:
He has told me that the only way out of this is if we are both dead. All the while communicating with an old girlfriend.
What kind of person would do this- also what kind of person would be with someone like this?
What kind of person would do this- also what kind of person would be with someone like this?
I've had friends murdered by their psychopath boyfriends/husbands after they've left. Several. I never understood why my friends, and their parents (both women moved back home) didn't take those threats seriously. Or why they didn't get a shot gun and carry it around with them. I would.
My AH made one threat to me, well, tons of aggressive behavoir too, but I called the domestic violence place in town and they helped me sooo much. Didn't take much. They just told me somewhere along the lines I lost my boundaries. And after about two days of thinking on that one, I realized they were right and fixed it.
Fortunatly, my AH isn't the kind of guy to kill me. Or strike me. He's just a raging drunk.
But those feelings of desperation and wanting him to love me actually went away. That's the good news. I kept working--hard--on letting go, on taking care of myself and on understanding how i got to a place where I could stay with an abuser anyway.
You'll get there too!
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Hi Transformyself,
Sorry to hear about your friends- that is so sad.
Yes, I do take it seriously- as does the domestic violence advocate. I do have a restraining order. That is virtually useless considering that where I live it can take an hour or more for an officer to get here. The original incident took 30-40 minutes to get help, Thank God my sister and her husband got here quickly.
Before that I never thought he would get physical. But with pills and alcohol he just went nuts. He ws actually threatening to call 911 and say I punched him - he said he knew how the system worked.
Later I found out he has previously felonies for domestic violence. Nice.
I also have a gun- which using it would be the last thing in the world I would want to do.
Sorry to hear about your friends- that is so sad.
Yes, I do take it seriously- as does the domestic violence advocate. I do have a restraining order. That is virtually useless considering that where I live it can take an hour or more for an officer to get here. The original incident took 30-40 minutes to get help, Thank God my sister and her husband got here quickly.
Before that I never thought he would get physical. But with pills and alcohol he just went nuts. He ws actually threatening to call 911 and say I punched him - he said he knew how the system worked.
Later I found out he has previously felonies for domestic violence. Nice.
I also have a gun- which using it would be the last thing in the world I would want to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 15
Myah,
My AH left me at the beginning of Nov for his freedom which meant he wanted to drink without me in his life. I was going thru the same feelings as you. I couldn't stop crying and wailing and thought what did I do wrong how did i get to this place...............its now almost two months and I realize that he made this choice for both of us when he left, I thought I was abandoning him but he did this not me...............He actually did me a favour by leaving, he has given me the chance to start my life over and not spend the rest of it walking on eggshells around him.
He is also violent when he is drinking and right now he is at an all time low because his father died four weeks after he left me. Im afraid for what he might do when he is on a binge so I have to take everything he says seriously im moving to another province to get away from him in Feb but I still have to live where he is at for a month..............just be careful and make sure you don't let him in the house when he is drinking or drunk.......... oh and me I keep a phone in my pocket at all times so I have easy access to 911.
My AH left me at the beginning of Nov for his freedom which meant he wanted to drink without me in his life. I was going thru the same feelings as you. I couldn't stop crying and wailing and thought what did I do wrong how did i get to this place...............its now almost two months and I realize that he made this choice for both of us when he left, I thought I was abandoning him but he did this not me...............He actually did me a favour by leaving, he has given me the chance to start my life over and not spend the rest of it walking on eggshells around him.
He is also violent when he is drinking and right now he is at an all time low because his father died four weeks after he left me. Im afraid for what he might do when he is on a binge so I have to take everything he says seriously im moving to another province to get away from him in Feb but I still have to live where he is at for a month..............just be careful and make sure you don't let him in the house when he is drinking or drunk.......... oh and me I keep a phone in my pocket at all times so I have easy access to 911.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Trans and CocoaBean are right, Miyah. I've experienced both emotional abuse and the threat of physical violence with my STBX-AH. You need to be very careful, and take care of yourself. When you combine alcohol and/or substance abuse with a propensity toward violence, it can be a lethal combination. Living in fear is also an awful way to live. Feel free to PM me. I have a modicum of recent experience with this, and the legal side as well. We can exchange phone numbers, too.
Hugs and prayers for safety!
Tigg
Hugs and prayers for safety!
Tigg
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Insulated
Yup. I've had that feeling to the enth degree. Then I found out it's the DREAM that dies the hardest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I agree with the whole go be with her and be her problem now philosophy. My ABF died he is in a better place. Maybe she's there too! He told me one time that he had a girlfriend with a 60,000 yr job, a two bedroom house with a screened in pool. And they couldn't wait for me to be out of the picture so they can be together. My response ? Okay. I won't compete with that. Don't let me get in yours and hers way. Guess what? He did drugs and drank instead of pay the power bill and we had to go stay at my friends house until MY $$$ arrived to reconnect the power. My best friend told him the same thing. Get off my sofa and go stay at your girlfriends house!!! uh huh, he pawned his PS3 and bought liquor and drugs with it! funny huh. If yours has a girlfriend, even if an imaginary one, send him packing.
miyah
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by Insulated
I agree with the whole go be with her and be her problem now philosophy. My ABF died he is in a better place. Maybe she's there too! He told me one time that he had a girlfriend with a 60,000 yr job, a two bedroom house with a screened in pool. And they couldn't wait for me to be out of the picture so they can be together. My response ? Okay. I won't compete with that. Don't let me get in yours and hers way. Guess what? He did drugs and drank instead of pay the power bill and we had to go stay at my friends house until MY $$$ arrived to reconnect the power. My best friend told him the same thing. Get off my sofa and go stay at your girlfriends house!!! uh huh, he pawned his PS3 and bought liquor and drugs with it! funny huh. If yours has a girlfriend, even if an imaginary one, send him packing.
Actually sounds like he may have a nice warm jail cell again soon.
I would truly love it if he would go back to the state where his mom lives. If I never had to see him again that would be wonderful!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
