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Why do they need enablers?

Old 12-26-2009, 09:59 PM
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Why do they need enablers?

Now you all have me thinking...

Reading things like "..the A doesn't want to lose their enabler, so they'll do anything to convince you to stay..."

Why do Alcoholics seem to need their enablers? I mean if they want to waste their life away and not be bothered about it, wouldn't it be more beneficial to themselves to get rid of everyone? After all, they are their own best enablers.

Any insight? Just curious about this.
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Old 12-26-2009, 10:01 PM
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they need an enabler so they have a roof over their head, a soft place to sleep, clean underwear to put on, food in the fridge, that lightbulb replaced, someone with a not destroyed credit record to sign contracts, etc. etc.

in a nutshell, it is easier to continue to drink, if someone else is holding the fort down and keeping the home fire burning.

without the enabler, the alcoholic would have to do these things theirself, or loose some comfort.

obviously, if they are drunk, it is unlikely they are going to the grocery store to make sure there is milk in the morning.

this is why, when we bring the drinking into the light and ask them to do their fair share, they want us to get away. we are no longer enabling, see.

and then they frequently go and get another enabler, someone who doesn't know the extent of their drinking yet OR someone else with a drinking problem.

of course, the other drinker isn't as desireable as an enabler, even tho they can now drink in peace. because then we have two people who won't take care of basic necessities required for survival and who wants to live in squalor?
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Old 12-26-2009, 10:02 PM
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Because self-centered fear is the root of the problem.
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Old 12-26-2009, 10:41 PM
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If IO could figure that one out - i'd be richer than Oprah.
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Old 12-26-2009, 10:44 PM
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Naive, that sounds about right. Wow.
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:27 AM
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Naive-that was powerful and makes perfect sense!
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Old 12-27-2009, 12:31 PM
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well said Naive. Addiction cannot live in isolation.
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Old 12-27-2009, 12:52 PM
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You are all smart! I wish I had someone to take care of all my basic needs sometimes ..just a day would be great to not have to do it all! I wish that for you all
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Old 12-27-2009, 02:04 PM
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I agree with basIam, for me it was having a square peg in the square slot...if i didn't have a GF then that would be another reason that i might have to take a look at myself and i sure as hell didn't want to do that...pure self centered fear, nothing more...
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Old 12-27-2009, 06:18 PM
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Thanks guys! I was curious about this and your prespectives.
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Old 12-27-2009, 06:32 PM
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Naive I agree wholeheartedly! And also, alcoholics need love too. I know that sounds trite, but they don't want to be alone.

Also, alcoholics are rendered lazy by their addiction. They can't do anything when they're drunk, and can't do anything when they're hung over. That doesn't leave much time to do all the basic necessities of life. As Naive said; like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, working, and let's not forget... getting more booze.

I still wish I could tattoo my STBX-AH's ass to warn the next poor enabler. Probably could have before we were separated. He'd never have known if I'd done it while he was passed out. Oh evil Tigger.
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Old 12-27-2009, 07:00 PM
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I definitely find everyone's point of views interesting....

and I suppose the thing I question in my own situation is that my A seemed to be drawn to someone who he could control really.
But from your experiences and knowledge, typically they want someone who will ultimately take care of them. Who is independant and secure financially.

Well, my A really brought is gf down here to isolate her from her family, states away, and in his description of her to me, he said he would even have to teach her to drive on the freeways here, as she's not from a large area I guess.
He's the one with the job now, he paid his own bills, though DEFINITELY did not want to be alone as he would tell me. She didn't have a job.

So it's almost strange to me, though I guess it shouldn't be, he wants someone who he can control, who NEEDS him. She is completely dependent on him here.
And I say isolate because I remember him telling me that when he lived where she lived, the big problems in their relationship were HER family and HER friends and ex boyfriends. So now that he has her here, he doesn't have to worry about that stuff....according to him.
When he decided to come clean about his feelings for her too, he said that he had had spies watching her ever since they had been seperated....so he knows she didnt cheat on him.
WOW! He doesn't want an enabler, he wants a hostage.
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Old 12-27-2009, 07:33 PM
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Seconding naive

When are they going to bring the "thanks" function back to this forum???
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Old 12-29-2009, 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
they need an enabler so they have a roof over their head, a soft place to sleep, clean underwear to put on, food in the fridge, that lightbulb replaced, someone with a not destroyed credit record to sign contracts, etc. etc.

in a nutshell, it is easier to continue to drink, if someone else is holding the fort down and keeping the home fire burning.

without the enabler, the alcoholic would have to do these things theirself, or loose some comfort.

obviously, if they are drunk, it is unlikely they are going to the grocery store to make sure there is milk in the morning.

this is why, when we bring the drinking into the light and ask them to do their fair share, they want us to get away. we are no longer enabling, see.

and then they frequently go and get another enabler, someone who doesn't know the extent of their drinking yet OR someone else with a drinking problem.

of course, the other drinker isn't as desireable as an enabler, even tho they can now drink in peace. because then we have two people who won't take care of basic necessities required for survival and who wants to live in squalor?
Standing ovation for Naive! VERY good!
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Old 12-29-2009, 12:44 PM
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Yep...Naive, it's funny because it's true.

I think also, when the drinker has someone who can hold down the fort it makes the drinker appear more 'normal'. Things still look like they are working from the outside looking in and really, they can't be that bad if (enabler person) is still with them. Can they?

and then....there are the drinkers that don't want anyone in their lives because they love their own company and don't want to have any commitments outside of getting themselves to the liquor store before it closes.
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