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Insanity!! Would a normal person respond like this???

Old 12-27-2009, 03:02 PM
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ME- good, I"m glad, I was feeling like I was harsh with you!
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Old 12-27-2009, 04:38 PM
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Wow, it sounds a lot like my husband before he was in recovery. Now that he is in recovery it is often not that he quits on the relationship but insists that we are not on the same page.... no kidding! But that is true only while he is angry for something I said or did. When he is ok everything is fine.
It is amazing that many commented on having the same "spouse".
What has helped me to this point - was to set limits with him just as you did. I also took his responses seriously. Whether or not this helped him gain his sobriety or not I can't say but he often tells me that he resents the way I handled his drinking - while everyone else enabled him - I did not. My thoughts are this, he can't take you seriously unless you take yourself seriously. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If he leaves - he will have no one else to blame his behavior on and just maybe he will see more clearly what his problem is. If not, my heart and prayers are with you either way.
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:18 AM
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I have been guilty many times of making the ultimatum to my recovering A and not following through -- wanting to believe he will come around and taking him back at the slightest sign of remorse...

The fact is that even when they aren't drinking alcoholics have some incredible mechanisms to support their bad habits that are not drinking -- avoiding commitments and responsibility is the main one I have trouble with. My (now ex) boyfriend would do terrible things along the lines of cheating, abandoning the relationship, etc., beg me back, only for me to find out that he has no intention of stopping the behavior and in fact has found a wonderful way to blame me for it! The reversal of blame is pretty amazing. Anything I said was used against me, twisted and distorted, and when I drew the line in the sand he would just hang up on me, give it a few days, and then try again.

It has been so hard for me to stay out of it that I am actually considering jumping right into something else so that I can be done with him once and for all. The latest episode in which he told me that his enabling sister hates me and has told him as much...I told him that he can't defame me with his family while apologizing for his wrongs and promising to change -- that I cannot bare the burden of our problems and the blame anymore. I wanted to have a family and instead what do I have? I don't even have a relationship in which I am respected. I dread and fear the day he contacts me again to try to rope my back in with his flowery recovery language ("I feel a shift in myself", "I've been struggling with this my whole life but today, this week, everything has changed!").

Be warned: recovery is sometimes just a means to acquire more tools to manipulate, use, and ultimately destroy other people. An alcoholic in recovery can be worse than a drinking one if he isn't working on the underlying illness.
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Old 12-28-2009, 06:40 AM
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Checking in with you mentallyexh -how are you today?
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Old 12-28-2009, 08:06 AM
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Kassie - doing great today-Thanks! Generally speaking the more time/distance between us the better I feel. He is staying w/ a friend - I feel a lot guilt over that (I know I shouldn't). However, I know that I can not keep going through what he does to me....I cna't. And more importantly, as I have said before.....I am definately not going to expose my children to anymore of this and risk them believing his behavior is normal or acceptable. I know this ia going to be a long hard road, but I don't believe he has any intentions to make a any changes in his attitudes or behaviors....and I meant it when I said those were deal breakers. I can do this!! Thank you for checking in.
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Old 12-28-2009, 08:11 AM
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Mexh,

Yes...YOU...CAN!!

Good to hear you are doing great today.
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Old 12-28-2009, 08:25 AM
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I read your post. Ouch. I'm sorry. If I may can I ask you if perhaps this is a compounded addiction with mid life crisis? There is a forum for that which I found very very helpful when I divorced my second husband. It was my saving sanity.
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Old 12-28-2009, 08:52 AM
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You sound better today. I will be here all week to check in if you need to talk.
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Old 12-28-2009, 10:39 AM
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Insulated - I'm not sure about the midlife crisis -I'm thinking just an internal crisis in general that has been going on most of his life. After speaking with his parents, I think there is probably an underlying personality disorder - such as bipolar disorder, but of course I will probably never know that for sure. It is hard to say, maybe midlife has something to do with it, though he is not really the kind of man who actually ever "grew up" enough to I think have this type of crisis. Kassie- Thank you for your continued support!
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by alanonicnov2008 View Post
I have been guilty many times of making the ultimatum to my recovering A and not following through -- wanting to believe he will come around and taking him back at the slightest sign of remorse...

The fact is that even when they aren't drinking alcoholics have some incredible mechanisms to support their bad habits that are not drinking -- avoiding commitments and responsibility is the main one I have trouble with. My (now ex) boyfriend would do terrible things along the lines of cheating, abandoning the relationship, etc., beg me back, only for me to find out that he has no intention of stopping the behavior and in fact has found a wonderful way to blame me for it! The reversal of blame is pretty amazing. Anything I said was used against me, twisted and distorted, and when I drew the line in the sand he would just hang up on me, give it a few days, and then try again.

It has been so hard for me to stay out of it that I am actually considering jumping right into something else so that I can be done with him once and for all. The latest episode in which he told me that his enabling sister hates me and has told him as much...I told him that he can't defame me with his family while apologizing for his wrongs and promising to change -- that I cannot bare the burden of our problems and the blame anymore. I wanted to have a family and instead what do I have? I don't even have a relationship in which I am respected. I dread and fear the day he contacts me again to try to rope my back in with his flowery recovery language ("I feel a shift in myself", "I've been struggling with this my whole life but today, this week, everything has changed!").

Be warned: recovery is sometimes just a means to acquire more tools to manipulate, use, and ultimately destroy other people. An alcoholic in recovery can be worse than a drinking one if he isn't working on the underlying illness.
Wow. Just wow. I can relate to this post on pretty much every level:

The reversal of blame.....

She has turned her enablers (2 out of 3 of whom I have been friends with for longer than she has) against me, and has openly taunted me that the third one, who has never even met me.....hates me......(obviously because she has twisted and distorted my non-enabling behaviour to look like control and abuse).

Flowery recovery language......acquiring more tools to manipulate.....amazing.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:54 AM
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more insanity!

WOW...so today he stopped by today to see our daughter and he was full of negativity. He started with (sarcastically), Wow the house looks great...laughing. I am switching two rooms out which is taking some time because I have a 13 month old. Then about the color of paint, "the ugliest green in the world". Then about the dogs being in and there being dog hair. Well....by then I was upset and walked out of the room....and he says to my 13month...."Look, A mommy is visibly angry...then starts laughing....HE IS PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet he accuses me of always bi****** and complaining...really??? I said nothing negative and was being nice! What is WRONG WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
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Old 12-29-2009, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
WOW...so today he stopped by today to see our daughter and he was full of negativity. He started with (sarcastically), Wow the house looks great...laughing. I am switching two rooms out which is taking some time because I have a 13 month old. Then about the color of paint, "the ugliest green in the world". Then about the dogs being in and there being dog hair. Well....by then I was upset and walked out of the room....and he says to my 13month...."Look, A mommy is visibly angry...then starts laughing....HE IS PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet he accuses me of always bi****** and complaining...really??? I said nothing negative and was being nice! What is WRONG WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
Sounds like deflection. If there isn't anything major for him to attack you with - then he will manufacture things. Needle about countless small things. Then when he gets a reaction from his blatantly outrageous remarks and points, he can point his finger and say - 'See, you are the one with the problem.'

Mine does that when I let her - namely, says outrageous things, lies, makes things up and makes me look bad - then when I get angered, she says I need anger management therapy.

Well.....who wouldn't, putting up with that crap!!
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Old 12-29-2009, 01:54 PM
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OMG Ment he sounds just like my ex of two months. Im going thru the same as you trying to get his negativity out of my life. it hurts when they call you a manipulator, I heard it so much I thought in some crazy way he was right. Now that I know he is back to drinking and his persona is so different I know I have to move on and it isnt me being the manipulator its him.........hard to wrap your brain around it. But he is putting you down to make himself feel better.......
God what gives them the right to treat people that way.

I cannot wait to move on with my life and say goodbye to the past 9 1/2 years.

Why do they all seem to have the same behavior patterns?

Take care of yourself first Ment
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Old 12-29-2009, 02:38 PM
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Because they all suffer from the same denial.
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Old 12-29-2009, 03:18 PM
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Thank you all for your responses and help....it helps so much to know that others understand the insanity involved in these relationships. The most frustrating thing right now is his facebook status post....read this....

"Biblical Scholars and Scriptural Exegete's would like you to believe that HELL is a burning furnace consuming flesh and eating souls for eternity. Hell is the mere absence of all that is Good, Holy, True.....(i.e. GOD). Take a Soul away from God and its engulfed in alienation, separation, Evil, Torture and no GOD!!!! There is truly no greater Hell than that!!!

If God is "Good" and thats gone- then you have lost ever knowing what is right, true, good, holy, one, peaceful and gracefilled in an instance!!! Wow that sucks! It's like the sun and oxygen cease to exist. "

18 minutes ago

For someone who is SO book smart....how can he act/do the things he does....if he believe even an ounce of what the bible says he wouldn't be able to do what he does!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a hypocrite...it applies to all but him!
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Old 12-29-2009, 04:29 PM
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Ya that is it....... they are hypocrites. they will call you every name in the book, and then the next hour or morning say I'm sorry and expect all to be forgiven.....but the hurt is done and what can they expect ............They want so much from those around them but do not give any back.........its mind boggling.........I don't understand what it is they want I know that mine wants to be served by me, looked after by me, fed by me clean house by me oh and what do I get in return called names and punched in the face.........and put down and lied to so 2010 is my moving on year, I deserve better and ment so do you I mean we need to cleanse ourselves of these people and look after us for once............right that is somthing that I havent done for 9 1/2 years is look after me.........and it actually feels good.
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Old 12-29-2009, 08:15 PM
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Be warned: recovery is sometimes just a means to acquire more tools to manipulate, use, and ultimately destroy other people. An alcoholic in recovery can be worse than a drinking one if he isn't working on the underlying illness.
Oh how true this is.

Mentally - my AH plays himself as a super intellectual also - he's utterly full of delusions. Really, don't read or hear anything from them and take it at face value. There is ALWAYS an underlying angle/reason for what they do and say.
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Old 12-30-2009, 09:06 AM
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Yes I am starting to realize there is another underlying reason for what they do and say, and always making it seem like it is your fault not theirs............its hard to filter what is reality and what is not........it really hurts your feelings if you take everything they say at face value.

Like my ex I am learning that sometimes what he says he is actually referring to himself and not me........he says stuff like I'm manipulative and I'm too strong a person for him???????? What the heck does that mean he was with me for 9 1/2 years and now all of a sudden I'm too strong of a person for him and too controlling............the problem is he cannot control me because I wont live with him if he is drinking.........

very confusing to a normal thinking person and trying to decipher it all will drive you insane.
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Old 12-30-2009, 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by CocoaBean View Post
very confusing to a normal thinking person and trying to decipher it all will drive you insane.
Isn't that the truth! For me the only option was to let go and move away from it. Others here seem to be able to create enough distance or the ability to see it for what it is and still maintain a relationship. There were times for sure i thought I was losing my mind. I actually remember calling healthy freinds of mine, laying out the situation and asking them if I was insane, asking too much, or over reacting. Usually they totally agreed with my stand point and were just amazed I was still dealing with the insanity!
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Old 12-31-2009, 04:23 PM
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Until I found this website I did think I was going insane, but the more I read what everyone is going thru and feeling, I realize that alcohol turns people into the same monster.
Everyone here is struggling with the same things that I have been the mood swings the going into a total rage for something very small and insignificant to me like lint in the dryer would be a total all out screaming at me........

And the more I read here the more I realize that this is not the life that I want for myself, I don't want to be confused anymore over someone else's actions because I am a normal thinking person who was always told by him that I was "out to lunch" or I was saying something and meaning something else just to confuse him, constantly putting words into my mouth, telling me that he can do better than me, well that is what he said in November when he left me for his "freedom" but what he did was give me my freedom.......thank god

And you do start thinking your the one who is insane..........what a crazy way to live.......
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