complex emotions
 

I'm sure I have read about this many, many times......but what is it about him being gone that I miss? Is the routine, the normalcy? Because that really doesn't describe what life is like when he is here. He came yesterday to spend Xmas morning with the kids, which was fine...then I went to my parents, which he didn't want to go, so I left. He asked if he could stay last night...so ok I said. He really didn't talk, just went to bed. Every word he said to me from that point on was degrading. He was mean....just like always, and disgusting just like always....so why is it when he leaves I feel alittle lost and uncertain, because when he is here I feel angry and abused? This confuses me....

Hi ME
I can only speak from my experiences, and I can relate to your confusion. My answer lies in the fact that my AH confused me, tore me down with his riddles and BS and blame shifting and all those typical things an alcoholic does for so long that I doubted myself and didn't know who I was outside of the context of that relationship. Everything else was secondary.

For me, I had to physically leave him, once the abuse got so painful I didn't want to try anymore.

It started with placing boundaries. Saying to him, "You will not speak to me this way," and walking away. Once I moved out, that process simplified because I could hang up the phone if he started.

It took a great deal of self control to learn to have faith in myself and my ability to be happy outside of the marraige, which is really paradoxical considering I had no happiness within the marriage. Not until I got away from him.

However. We were separated for 4 months last year while he lived with his affair partner and during that time I was horribly unhappy when he was gone. Affairs really do a number on you. I worked hard, and you can too, to replace your thoughts of confusion wtih determination.

I stopped focusing on him. Started making a daily plan that required me to draw on my strength and determination. I go to bikram yoga, where they tell you things like, "make up your mind to do this and do it, keep your determination, look how strong you are."

It changes your view of yourself.

You'll sort it out. Keep coming here, keep going to al anon if you do.

Thank you for your understanding, it is clear from your post that you understand exactly what I am feeling. The boundary, that forced me to ask him to leave 3 1/2 weeks ago was him calling me names....a trashy trailer *****...which for whatever reason made me tell him to leave because I was done with the namecalling as I had already told him. That is one of his more mild names......but I had had it. I guess what I don't get is, he believed that I will just "get over it" and when we argue now he goes right back to calling me names. Thank you again for your understanding.....I am trying to focus on me...but I still feel really sorry for him and who he has become.

Do you think he feels sorry for what he says and does to you? In his warped mind you deserve all of it...

What you do deserve is much better!

I miss the potential of my XAH but that is not who he IS. They have to blame you to take the focus off of them. He had my self-esteem down so bad I couldn't see he was bad FOR me. I miss who he was when we first got married before he went downhill into the substance abuse,low morals,unhealthy friends,porn addiction,driving under the influence, totally selfish. I was afraid to be financially merged with him because of his choices. Once he brought home a stupid knife collection $$$ and he would turn off the hot water heater.....hum.....cold showers,washing dishes with cold water????? but this expensive knife collection sitting on the coffee table........Real dumb s--- I could not live with anymore......aaahhhhhhhhhhhh peace on earth and in my house.....no more quacking........