Cheers to this misery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Cheers to this misery
OK I've been lurking in this forum for months but I feel I have something to contribute now. I'm the husband of an alcoholic wife. Over the festive season I've had the last straw happen to me. Don't need to go into the details, you all know the score.
The difference is, this time I know it's over for me. Done, dusted, over. I'm giving her an ultimatum that I'm backing up with consequences for us and our small children. Get help, do SOMETHING about your addiction, or I'm leaving. In the past she's refused to get any meaningful help, she even denies she has a drinking problem.
I've tried everything within the marriage to effect change. I've tried good cop, bad cop, indifference too. I've tried getting her family involved only to have that (predictably) explode in my face. I'm now the bad guy according to them. I'ved tried controlling her drinking by turfing all the booze out the house. What a joke, you can't stop an addict from drinking, this much I've learnt.
I believe at the heart of her addiction is a fundamental disrespect for me as a person, as her husband, which makes it OK for her to behave in the way she does. So for instance we'll go to a Christmas party where she'll get slobberingly drunk, start crying on a friend's shoulder about how "everything is a mess" and make a complete fool of herself and me, and the next day she won't offer even a hint of apology for her behaviour. And being the co-dependent personality I am I won't make mention of it for fear of causing a "scene".
Back to the ultimatum. It's such a strange feeling to finally have resolve about the situation. I haven't told her yet, but I know that, come Monday when we have time together alone, I'm going to present her with choices, on my terms. I simply cannnot face another year like 2009 was. In the past, I rationalised my need to stay as being for the sake of the children (aged 3 and 6) but now I do believe that as a single dad I have more chance of being the father I that I want to be to them than being some sidelined idiot in a marriage where I constantly play second fiddle to her and her family. I have no family of my own to fall back on, and her family knows that this puts me in a weak position.
My position was also further weakened by a long bout of unemployment, which fortunately has been remedied by finding a well paying job a few months ago. Plus, what strengthens my position now is a burning need to be out of this bullsh1t, this need is now becoming greater than my fear of a failed marriage.
No more false hope about her magically getting better. I'll go through the motions of giving her a reasonable option or alternative to splitting up. I'm fairly sure she'll laugh it off, so I'll give her 24 hours for an answer, if none is forthcoming, I'll take it as a resounding no.
I've had 15 years of being together with her and the last 18 months I've been on the receiving end of serious alcoholic behaviour. I'm still not sure what the hell happened to us, such is the nature of the disease.
I simply don't see how people can put up with this crap for years and decades. I'm 41 and life's too damn short for this. I can't wait to get the hell out now.
The difference is, this time I know it's over for me. Done, dusted, over. I'm giving her an ultimatum that I'm backing up with consequences for us and our small children. Get help, do SOMETHING about your addiction, or I'm leaving. In the past she's refused to get any meaningful help, she even denies she has a drinking problem.
I've tried everything within the marriage to effect change. I've tried good cop, bad cop, indifference too. I've tried getting her family involved only to have that (predictably) explode in my face. I'm now the bad guy according to them. I'ved tried controlling her drinking by turfing all the booze out the house. What a joke, you can't stop an addict from drinking, this much I've learnt.
I believe at the heart of her addiction is a fundamental disrespect for me as a person, as her husband, which makes it OK for her to behave in the way she does. So for instance we'll go to a Christmas party where she'll get slobberingly drunk, start crying on a friend's shoulder about how "everything is a mess" and make a complete fool of herself and me, and the next day she won't offer even a hint of apology for her behaviour. And being the co-dependent personality I am I won't make mention of it for fear of causing a "scene".
Back to the ultimatum. It's such a strange feeling to finally have resolve about the situation. I haven't told her yet, but I know that, come Monday when we have time together alone, I'm going to present her with choices, on my terms. I simply cannnot face another year like 2009 was. In the past, I rationalised my need to stay as being for the sake of the children (aged 3 and 6) but now I do believe that as a single dad I have more chance of being the father I that I want to be to them than being some sidelined idiot in a marriage where I constantly play second fiddle to her and her family. I have no family of my own to fall back on, and her family knows that this puts me in a weak position.
My position was also further weakened by a long bout of unemployment, which fortunately has been remedied by finding a well paying job a few months ago. Plus, what strengthens my position now is a burning need to be out of this bullsh1t, this need is now becoming greater than my fear of a failed marriage.
No more false hope about her magically getting better. I'll go through the motions of giving her a reasonable option or alternative to splitting up. I'm fairly sure she'll laugh it off, so I'll give her 24 hours for an answer, if none is forthcoming, I'll take it as a resounding no.
I've had 15 years of being together with her and the last 18 months I've been on the receiving end of serious alcoholic behaviour. I'm still not sure what the hell happened to us, such is the nature of the disease.
I simply don't see how people can put up with this crap for years and decades. I'm 41 and life's too damn short for this. I can't wait to get the hell out now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I do believe that as a single dad I have more chance of being the father I that I want to be to them than being some sidelined idiot in a marriage where I constantly play second fiddle to her and her family. ...and her drinking problem!
FiftyP-- good for you- everyone says you will just know when enough is enough - and when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing then you will change.
You are doing the right thing by your children - I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother in perpetual denial and it was hell. Children learn what they live, and I often think how different my life, and maybe the lives of my three A brothers would be if our mom had just called it what it was: alcoholism, and offered us some help or information.
Have you considered going to AlAnon meetings? they are for the F&F of A's and I found they really turned my head around and gave me the tools to cope with my brothers's ongoing alcoholism....
Here's to a NEW New Year - change is good!
peace & courage--
b
FiftyP-- good for you- everyone says you will just know when enough is enough - and when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing then you will change.
You are doing the right thing by your children - I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother in perpetual denial and it was hell. Children learn what they live, and I often think how different my life, and maybe the lives of my three A brothers would be if our mom had just called it what it was: alcoholism, and offered us some help or information.
Have you considered going to AlAnon meetings? they are for the F&F of A's and I found they really turned my head around and gave me the tools to cope with my brothers's ongoing alcoholism....
Here's to a NEW New Year - change is good!
peace & courage--
b
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Life IS too short to live on perpetual eggshells with an alcoholic.
Not to get into another debate about the disease model of alcoholism but that idea, that he has a disease, kept me living the nightmare longer than I think I would have otherwise. I mean, who walks out on a sick loved one??
I hope your wife wakes up FiftyP, but if she doesn't you and the kids will be just fine, and really...even better...with no chaos in your lives.
Not to get into another debate about the disease model of alcoholism but that idea, that he has a disease, kept me living the nightmare longer than I think I would have otherwise. I mean, who walks out on a sick loved one??
I hope your wife wakes up FiftyP, but if she doesn't you and the kids will be just fine, and really...even better...with no chaos in your lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Been there done that have the t-shirt......My therapist said to give my AH the offer of go to AA for 90 days or bye bye.....I went bye bye. It is all good. He has still gone further downhill and is about to lose his house. I am good. There are meetings with childcare. Good luck. Your kids will have a chance at a calm, chaos free life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Good luck to you.
Her drinking has nothing to do with her respect or disrespect for you. It has NOTHING to do with you, your marriage, your kids or anything else. It is HERS alone. She has to want to be sober and maintain it. You cannot get her to that point. Many of us tried and failed. Maybe she will wake up, maybe not. Please take care of YOU and those kids. She is an adult and can take care of herself if she chooses to.
Hugs
Her drinking has nothing to do with her respect or disrespect for you. It has NOTHING to do with you, your marriage, your kids or anything else. It is HERS alone. She has to want to be sober and maintain it. You cannot get her to that point. Many of us tried and failed. Maybe she will wake up, maybe not. Please take care of YOU and those kids. She is an adult and can take care of herself if she chooses to.
Hugs
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story.
You will find lots of support for yourself here. Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story.
You will find lots of support for yourself here. Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I believe at the heart of her addiction is a fundamental disrespect for me as a person, as her husband, which makes it OK for her to behave in the way she does.
This is not true.
An alcoholice drinks ... because we're alcoholic.
The hardest thing to do in a realtionship with an alcoholic
is not to take their drinking personally.
Not being faecit... faceti... smart alecky
just placing the emphasis
where it belongs.
Holding thoughts like that
will make for harsher resentments in the long run.
I understand exactly.
Because when *I* am done...
I am done. As well.
But you've got enough coming in your future
without making it more bitter
by carrying around a belief like that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Hi everyone, and thanks for taking the time out to reply.
My AW has said to me on more than one occasion that she needs to stop drinking for HER... at the moment she has no reason to stop drinking, it's too easy, there are no consequences. Her family is squarely on her side, as families will be, regardless of what she's doing to herself, to me and the kids. I get accused of not being "sympathetic" enough to her plight (the loss of her mother recently). This is how her family are rationalising her drinking.
The only one left calling her out on the non-stop boozing is me, while everyone else looks away, either from sheer embarrassment or plain denial.
I think one huge factor that keeps a partner in this kind of perpetual state of limbo is the hope that one day the alcoholic will want to change, get sober, wake up to the chaos that he or she is causing. I've certainly been there, am still there to an extent. A lot of the time I feel pissed off that this has been thrust into my life, life is complicated enough without this madness. Accepting the situation as it is, is so hard.
My AW has said to me on more than one occasion that she needs to stop drinking for HER... at the moment she has no reason to stop drinking, it's too easy, there are no consequences. Her family is squarely on her side, as families will be, regardless of what she's doing to herself, to me and the kids. I get accused of not being "sympathetic" enough to her plight (the loss of her mother recently). This is how her family are rationalising her drinking.
The only one left calling her out on the non-stop boozing is me, while everyone else looks away, either from sheer embarrassment or plain denial.
I think one huge factor that keeps a partner in this kind of perpetual state of limbo is the hope that one day the alcoholic will want to change, get sober, wake up to the chaos that he or she is causing. I've certainly been there, am still there to an extent. A lot of the time I feel pissed off that this has been thrust into my life, life is complicated enough without this madness. Accepting the situation as it is, is so hard.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Fifty Pence-
You're right about that.
The growth starts when we take responsibility for our part ...
and then Take steps to change.
It's far easier to do that with support.
I hope you'll look into ALanon.
You can't beat the price.
You're right about that.
The growth starts when we take responsibility for our part ...
and then Take steps to change.
It's far easier to do that with support.
I hope you'll look into ALanon.
You can't beat the price.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
>>so, what's the plan?
Well, the plan in the short term is to rent an apartment close to our house. I'm going to negotiate that I get the kids at night, because it is night time when the drinking happens. She's fine with the kids during the day. Sober, she' a perfectly capable mother. It's just when drunk that she turns into an incompetent parent. It's all very Jekyll and Hyde.
>>how are you going to get custody of the children?
Very hard as a father to get custody of the kids in the country I live in. The law is heavily biased towards the mother. Still, if divorce is the only option left I'll have to go through the motions. For now, I'm just focusing on breaking the news of my intention to leave if she refuses to get help, and the practicalities of finding a place to stay.
We have a joint account that we use for the household budget. Whatever my rental is going to be will have to be deducted from my contribution to the household account. She's not going to like that, but really, tough sh1t. She has a private income from a trust fund and she doesn't work. Maybe she can follow her own advice and go and get a job to make up for the shortfall.
Well, the plan in the short term is to rent an apartment close to our house. I'm going to negotiate that I get the kids at night, because it is night time when the drinking happens. She's fine with the kids during the day. Sober, she' a perfectly capable mother. It's just when drunk that she turns into an incompetent parent. It's all very Jekyll and Hyde.
>>how are you going to get custody of the children?
Very hard as a father to get custody of the kids in the country I live in. The law is heavily biased towards the mother. Still, if divorce is the only option left I'll have to go through the motions. For now, I'm just focusing on breaking the news of my intention to leave if she refuses to get help, and the practicalities of finding a place to stay.
We have a joint account that we use for the household budget. Whatever my rental is going to be will have to be deducted from my contribution to the household account. She's not going to like that, but really, tough sh1t. She has a private income from a trust fund and she doesn't work. Maybe she can follow her own advice and go and get a job to make up for the shortfall.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi 50p-
perhaps it would be good to consult a lawyer prior to moving out? just for some advice and to know what your rights are?
secondly, what about getting social services involved? i would discuss this with the lawyer too.
thirdly, does she drive? i feel uneasy when you say she doesn't drink during the day. they are so good at hiding it. i really had no idea as to the extent of the drinking until i started to snoop.
my concern with the kids with her during the day is that she might be drinking, or at least not sober yet in the morning. you know yourself that drinkers still blow positive the morning after. so, this means she's partially drunk with the kids alone.
naive
perhaps it would be good to consult a lawyer prior to moving out? just for some advice and to know what your rights are?
secondly, what about getting social services involved? i would discuss this with the lawyer too.
thirdly, does she drive? i feel uneasy when you say she doesn't drink during the day. they are so good at hiding it. i really had no idea as to the extent of the drinking until i started to snoop.
my concern with the kids with her during the day is that she might be drinking, or at least not sober yet in the morning. you know yourself that drinkers still blow positive the morning after. so, this means she's partially drunk with the kids alone.
naive
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
I would highly suggest you consult an attorney.
I don't know where you live, but in my locale, you have to be carefl to not act in a manner that can be construed as marital abandonment.
Have you read "to wives" in the basic text of alcoholics anonymous? While written by lois to the wives of alcoholics, it applies. To husbands as well.
Best of. Luck
I don't know where you live, but in my locale, you have to be carefl to not act in a manner that can be construed as marital abandonment.
Have you read "to wives" in the basic text of alcoholics anonymous? While written by lois to the wives of alcoholics, it applies. To husbands as well.
Best of. Luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
basIam-
i have a problem with "to the wives" section of the AA book. it is not the same as the advice given by alanon. i heard it was written by bill, actually, which makes sense why it would say to tolerate a bunch of abuse.
if the alcoholic is in recovery, sure, cut them a break. if they are in denial, take yourself and the kids to safety.
i have a problem with "to the wives" section of the AA book. it is not the same as the advice given by alanon. i heard it was written by bill, actually, which makes sense why it would say to tolerate a bunch of abuse.
if the alcoholic is in recovery, sure, cut them a break. if they are in denial, take yourself and the kids to safety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Hi naive,
I'm very in tune with her drinking. It starts daily at around 5 pm and ends at around 9 pm. She drinks a bottle of wine on a daily basis. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. She combines sleeping tablets with the booze and she's also on anti-deps.
Legally, I don't know where I stand, I probably should speak to a lawyer. I just want to get the first phase going, that is, giving her a real ultimatum and letting her make a decision based on that.
In terms of AA, I've yet to try it out. As an atheist, I'm put off by all the God stuff, although I do think the programme works for a lot of people.
I'm very in tune with her drinking. It starts daily at around 5 pm and ends at around 9 pm. She drinks a bottle of wine on a daily basis. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. She combines sleeping tablets with the booze and she's also on anti-deps.
Legally, I don't know where I stand, I probably should speak to a lawyer. I just want to get the first phase going, that is, giving her a real ultimatum and letting her make a decision based on that.
In terms of AA, I've yet to try it out. As an atheist, I'm put off by all the God stuff, although I do think the programme works for a lot of people.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I hope you'll consider going to a meeting or so -
just so you're not going this alone in 3-D.
I also have no family
and I know just how big that word - alone.... can be.
just so you're not going this alone in 3-D.
I also have no family
and I know just how big that word - alone.... can be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by naive 
basIam-
i have a problem with "to the wives" section of the AA book. it is not the same as the advice given by alanon. i heard it was written by bill, actually, which makes sense why it would say to tolerate a bunch of abuse.
if the alcoholic is in recovery, sure, cut them a break. if they are in denial, take yourself and the kids to safety.
i have a problem with "to the wives" section of the AA book. it is not the same as the advice given by alanon. i heard it was written by bill, actually, which makes sense why it would say to tolerate a bunch of abuse.
if the alcoholic is in recovery, sure, cut them a break. if they are in denial, take yourself and the kids to safety.
It has good info on how to identify the type of alcoholic you are living with.
It has good info on how to broach recovery to the spouse.
I also didn't know that Bill wrote the chapter. I will bear that in mind in the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Quick update:
Well, we've had our conversation about separation. She agrees it will be a good thing. Odd how we're coming at it from different angles. She's not hearing me when I say I'm leaving because she's drinking. She's interpreting it as us both needing time to ourselves, which is also true.
She also said that if our marriage ends, she doesn't want it to be because of booze. Rather, because we just have nothing in common anymore. I chuckled inwardly when she said that because, for me it would obviously be the booze. Self deception seems endless when you're in denial. It's also very shameful for her to admit I'm leaving because she's drinking, so she's minimizng my feelings around the issue, and the real reasons why I'm doing this.
She added that in January she wants to attempt to stop drinking. Her plan seems very vague though. I asked her how the hell she thinks she can just turn it off without professional help? I also said I don't want to be around if she IS serious about quitting because I'll just be in hunt-'n-snoop mode, which won't help one bit.
I honestly think the only route is rehab, but there's no telling someone how to stop drinking. I'm one of those weirdos who just suddenly stopped drinking one Christmas and never touched booze again, now going on four years. I was a hard drinker, more so than my wife at that stage. I guess part of the problem is my hardcore stance on booze, I just hate the stuff now.
Anyway, so now I'm looking for a place to stay, I need to see a lawyer about what the legal implications are and I need to negotiate the children's night times. I want them with me at night, most nights if possible. We live in a small town and the apartments I'm looking at are about a 5 minute drive from our home.
I am so looking forward to evenings that are not dominated by booze, to social engagements that I can go to where the evening doesn't end up with my wife in a drunken mess and passing out in the car on the way home, as has happened countless times in the past.
Well, we've had our conversation about separation. She agrees it will be a good thing. Odd how we're coming at it from different angles. She's not hearing me when I say I'm leaving because she's drinking. She's interpreting it as us both needing time to ourselves, which is also true.
She also said that if our marriage ends, she doesn't want it to be because of booze. Rather, because we just have nothing in common anymore. I chuckled inwardly when she said that because, for me it would obviously be the booze. Self deception seems endless when you're in denial. It's also very shameful for her to admit I'm leaving because she's drinking, so she's minimizng my feelings around the issue, and the real reasons why I'm doing this.
She added that in January she wants to attempt to stop drinking. Her plan seems very vague though. I asked her how the hell she thinks she can just turn it off without professional help? I also said I don't want to be around if she IS serious about quitting because I'll just be in hunt-'n-snoop mode, which won't help one bit.
I honestly think the only route is rehab, but there's no telling someone how to stop drinking. I'm one of those weirdos who just suddenly stopped drinking one Christmas and never touched booze again, now going on four years. I was a hard drinker, more so than my wife at that stage. I guess part of the problem is my hardcore stance on booze, I just hate the stuff now.
Anyway, so now I'm looking for a place to stay, I need to see a lawyer about what the legal implications are and I need to negotiate the children's night times. I want them with me at night, most nights if possible. We live in a small town and the apartments I'm looking at are about a 5 minute drive from our home.
I am so looking forward to evenings that are not dominated by booze, to social engagements that I can go to where the evening doesn't end up with my wife in a drunken mess and passing out in the car on the way home, as has happened countless times in the past.
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