UPDATE: AH still drunk. Not my problem.
 

Hi Ya'll hope your Christmas was peaceful and happy.

My AH has been staying with myself and our two sons at my new house really since about Dec 10 to "help get the place organized" till his apartment is ready. Predictably, he started drinking about Dec 20. At first at night when I was sleeping, then after the kids went to bed, then it progressed to a full blown binge that lasted from Dec 22 until now.

Things got a bit tense between us a few times, but I drew a line quickly and get the hell away from him.

The scene at his fathers Christmas Eve was ugly. He went with the kids early, like 5, while I went to my sisters and adult sons houses. I agreed to go later, as I do want to see our neices and nephews. When I arrived, no one said a word to me. Not one. AH was outside smoking and pacing. There is so much passive aggressive hostility there. AH father's wife left him in July and she was the codependant that held the family together. FIL was completly drunk.

I chatted happily with my beautiful nieces, said hello to the adults who murmered a begrudged hello and got the hell out of there.

Our Christmas eve preparing for Santa after the kids went to sleep (sorry, after I put the to sleep while he continued to drink) was a repeat of the last 12 years; AH got drunk, was unable to actually help me but ordered me around until I told him to shut up and go to bed. You know the scene. He was a drunken idiot.

Last year we were attempting to reconcile after his affair. I was still heavily triggered into a state of abandonment, afraid he would go back to the drunken, single 34 year old piece of trash he was madly in love with and abandoned his family for. My god, that fear dictated my life to me. Everything I did; I snooped, I didn't sleep, I cried uncontrollably for a year straight!

Funny, it wasn't until I stopped snooping, stopped focusing on him that I felt better. I wanted to fear to go away by doing those things, but I needed to stop in order to be free of the fear. Just figured that one out. Thank you.

Anyway, he was inebriated of course yesterday, Christmas day. Started drinking at 9am. I went to my sisters for dinner, said goodbye to him and left with the kids. He is in a major self pity party.

I am detaching with observation of his behavior and mine. HE went to work at 5am and has been calling me. I answered once. He was just checking in.

All along this, he feeds me "information" about your marriage and why it's not ever going to work. He doesn't approve of my lifestyle. I haven't done anything around here to help unpack. bla bla bla

Please know that up until really September when I left him, this sort of discussion would make me hysterical. I would listen, try to understand, figure out what I had done wrong, try to get him to understand taht I love him and we can work it out. Weep weep weep.

Last Christmas he got drunk and slammed his car into mine while I cried.

This Christmas I made a beautiful time for myself and kids, invited him along and he got drunk. Alone. Feeling sorry for himself.

I am not angry with him for what he did last year, for what he does. That would be like getting angry at the puppy for chasing the cat. I accept it, but do not engage.

I"m making plans to make more money, scheduling out my time when the kids go back to school.

I feel free, hopeful and happy, regardless of his madness.

Hooray! And thanks! (When will get the beloved "thanks" button back?)

Transform forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but what has really changed?

He's for all intents and purposes living with you and your kids as a family again under the veil of being 'seperated', no? Couldn't he have moved in with his Father until his apt. is ready? It's great that you are learning to detach, but I don't understand why you are still putting your children in a dysfunctional home life with a drunk for a Dad to help you to learn to detach. Sorry....

Hi Gerry

Everything has changed.

You can trust that my children are well taken care of and I'm not in some sort of denial. I"m good. Thanks anyway.

Merry Christmas!

Thanks Great Froggy.

I have to admit I have occasional thoughts of "when will I be crazy again?" but seriously think I have worked for and earned this.

Hi Trans,

You know I love you, right? But I'm concerned. I know that, as you said everything has changed, and that you are in a SO MUCH better place, and stronger, and taking fantastic care of yourself and your children beautifully. But wouldn't it just be easier if you and he didn't live in the same place? Why did YOU take him in instead of someone else? It was only last month, IIRC, that he was triggering you to distraction. Why risk it again so soon? Just an observation. I may be way off base.

Hi Girl, glad you see you moved out and are doing better.

FYI we're not living together. he stayed here temporarily until Christmas and has gone to his place. I posted about it elsewhere, I think it's called "what is this place?"

And you do remember correctly, I was triggered-and bad-while moving the last of my stuff out of our foreclosed marital home. HE didn't do anything in the present moment, but I was pretty darn angry.

Now that you bring that up, I think that was all part of why I feel so much better. That's over and gone. I am not living in that town, in that house where he brought his bimbo and i lived alone for 4 months with the kids. I have my own place--oh and I agreed to let him stay here because it was our first Christmas out of the old house, his place wasn't ready and he was here organizing my house and how anyway. Easy trade. It was temporary--and worth it.

go to the other thread and we'll talk, darling...