myawakening

I am struggling every single day. I left an AH 3 months ago. I went to Al Anon, I bought all the books that were suggested here, bought books from Al Anon. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. I have 3 books started right now...I go from one to the other. I am making myself nuts.

And I continue to struggle. I don't know how to do this. I go to Al Anon and I listen. Sometimes I share a bit...but mostly I listen. I'm listening for that magic phrase or sentence that helps me put all of this madness into perspective. I don't hear it. Why? Why can't I hear it.

I am happy I left my husband. I am at peace in my new home. I am my own boss and no one is here to make me feel stupid or not good enough...or blame me for all the things he thinks are wrong with his life. I don't regret leaving. I just don't understand how to get started living my life again...after all the years I was married.

I am pulled into texting or emailing with my AH. It starts out innocent enough...but then it gets so ugly and all the rage and anger comes to the surface. It's like the genie in the bottle...once out there is no containing it. I go from zero to insane in almost no time. I think its all the years that I kept quiet and pushed everything down to avoid or minimize an arguement with him. I don't recognize myself when I go over the edge. I don't want to, but he brings out the worst in me. I can never get him to understand that I didn't do this to us...he did. He is so bitter and angry with me for "walking out on him". I believe he has recently done something revengeful because he feels so "wronged". I believe he cheated and he won't admit it. I have very valid reasons for believing so.

Last night during yet another insane communication we had...I asked him point blank several times. He gives me some stupid excuse and then I call him on his crap so he takes another route. He talks in circles because he has no alibi for where he was. This isn't the first time he cheated. He did once before...out of spite. Yes friends...out of spite, because he was viewing the world through his alcoholic eyes and I dared to not agree!! He cried and was remorseful and I took him back. What a fool I was! I want to cry when I think about all the years I wasted on him.

I know I made the right choice by leaving. I just need to figure out how to make sense of what I hear at Al Anon and what I read in the mountain of books!! So far nothing is helping.

I want to block his text messages and phone number...but I can't. We have a house to sell and two adult children. I worry about an emergency and not being able to get in touch with him. If I block him from calling me...I can't call him. We can't do everything via email. But...if he continues to have access to me...he pulls me back into the nightmare.

Friends...so many of you post that Al Anon and these books help...that you've gotten your life together and are truly happy. Please help me understand how...

I morne the loss of my marriage of so many years...for the husband I used to have...for the life I used to have...for the person I used to be.

I need to find peace and it continues to elude me.

bookwyrm

Give yourself a bit of time - you were married, what 31 years?? It will take a lot longer than three months for you to finish the grief process! Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to struggle with your new life. Keeping in touch must also be hard on your serenity. Are you absolutely sure you can't cut all ties and only communicate in an emergency?

I received some one on one counselling that really helped me come to terms with the loss of my dreams/marriage. There isn't one phrase or magic trick to help you come to terms with things - it is going to take time. In my mind, I think it took me 18 years to get here, I can't expect my recovery to happen overnight. It will get better. It just takes a lot of time and self reflection.

I'm still at the 'what do I want to do with my life now' stage but it hasn't stopped me from trying different things. I've been to the theatre, been to the opera for the first time ever and enrolled in a Life Drawing evening class that I really enjoyed. I'm rediscovering who I am and it is scary but fun!

basIam

I don't think there will ever be a magic phrase that makes it all fit together. While I go to AA and am not an Al-Anon, I used to think if I sat there long enough I would hear the little nugget I need to know that would solve my problem. I now know that belief is what kept me in the dark.

There is nothing I will ever "know" that will fix me, it will take action. Through action I gain experience, experience gives me strength. And when I share that experience with another, we both get hope.

My advice, as always. . . go to a meeting and reach out to the next woman coming down the path behind you. Share what is working for you as well as what has not worked.

In AA, it says, we frequently attend meetings to provide the fellowship that the newcomer seeks. My sponsor put this question to me, "How much longer are you going to be a newcomer?" Meaning, when was I going to stop going to meetings, desperately seeking fellowship and begin providing fellowship to those who are desperate. When I began doing that with earnest, my desperation began to wane.

Bernadette

I worry about an emergency and not being able to get in touch with him. If I block him from calling me...I can't call him. We can't do everything via email. But...if he continues to have access to me...he pulls me back into the nightmare.

OK, understood, but you can choose which of his communiques you need to respond to. If it has to do with business about the house, or family, then respond, keeping it very very business-like. Ignore all communication that is loaded or frivolous. You could block 2 out of 3 lines of communication....maybe block email and texting but keep his access to telephone/cell open - let him leave messages and then you can listen to the message and choose whether it is vital to you that you answer or not.

I had to make my peace & progress #1 - I had to take real action to protect myself from emotional assault. If the As in my life could just get at me anytime I was leaving myself open to any sling or arrow they wanted to throw at me. Yuk!

I think as bookwyrm said, it is normal to be struggling - you're going through a major change - it will take time and effort to change....but you can do it! Little lists and plans with tasks I can "check off" when I am struggling help me stay focused on me and feel like I am getting something accomplished.

I'm kind of from the watched kettle never boils school - if I am focused on finding this one elusive thing too narrowly it will not express itself freely to me...that may be why as basIam said - if you focus on helping another person with similar problems to you then you may turn around and realize how at peace you feel.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
hang in there myawakwning - trust the process of life and know that the universe is unfolding just as it should be and you are OK!

peace-
b

brundle

I have to agree with everyone else; it takes time. I would also suggest to get an egg timer, they are really cheap at the Dollar Store. After about 5 minutes of talking with your husband the bell will ring and tell him: "OH Lord I have to go. Love you. Good-bye; We will talk later." In five minutes you'll know if there is anything important you need to know. Then he wont have time for the other stuff.

I find keeping my AH on a short leash works best. When he says something about "how can we work on 'us' when you wont talk to me?" ... I just tell him that I can't work on us if we talk too much. (That's bs I don't want to work on 'us' but whatever). I set the timer to all different times or I just let him leave a message. My young adult children know to call me personally if there is a problem. Really if there is an issue with the house it will have to go through the lawyer in the end.

I only left 3 weeks ago so there is lots of "poor me" from him. I can only stand so much. I do the same with my parents who he cries to as well. They buy every word he says; so I get to hear it twice.

I guess they all missed that HE is the alcoholic not me. Hope that helps. Stay strong; your not crazy, he is, that's why you left.

HUGS...

nodaybut2day

I agree with bookwyrm...you were married for over 30 years! Give yourself a break. I understand the need to be "better" and happy right away, but perhaps if you mentally give yourself some slack, you won't wonder why it isn't happening as fast as you expected. You've done the difficult work of breaking away from your H, but the healing is a longer process.

With regards to necessary communication, I developed my own system for communicating with my XAH: I would start every email and text with the word "Business", and then go about describing in as few details as possible what needed to be communicated. For example"
"Business: r u picking up A at daycare at 4?" or
"Business: pls call the landlady re Jan. rent"

I make a point of using as few words as possible and keep strictly to the details, thinking almost of a military short form. It took some getting used to, but it helped calm down the communication between us a great deal. Anything else he texted or emailed, I didn't respond to. He eventually got the message, though he tries sometimes to send me "I still love you" texts/emails. They go unanswered.

Still Waters

Time heals most wounds, sounds trite but it's true.

CAPTAINZING2000

you can not answer when, he calls and check the voice messages.

Sorry he put you through hell and back but, the important thing is you broke free. You no longer have to live with him and you can choose when, you talk with him !!

barb dwyer

Agreed. it takes time.

You're not ... I dunno... closing an account , here.

This is re-training yourself. That takes time. You've only got three months.
You said yourself you don't doubt for a second you've done the right thing.

Keep it what we used to call "civil, but non-committal'.
Like Bernadette said - business only.

'Just the facts, man.'

Hang in there!

I doubt you're EVER going to hear the 'one bumper sticker fixes all' slogan of phrase at AlAnon.
What you ARE going to hear is others who know exactly what you're feeling, exactly how afraid, exactly how angry and lost you feel.
And you're going to hear how THEY learned to move on. What they did, step by step.

But it's not gonna be one sentence.

It's gonna be a whole LOT of sentences.

ItsmeAlice

I've heard phrases along with way that meant something to me. I still marvel at how a phrase seems to come to me at a certain moment and it carries me over a current obstacle.

Is it one phrase or bullet point that made it all work for me. No, but it was a bit here and a bit there.

When it came to the books recommended here, I started them, read a bit until I felt full and then came back another time.

When it comes to recovery, you just focus on one thing at a time, one emotion at a time. Read, journal, chat here, go to Al-Anon or therapy or whatever tackles those feelings for you right then. Let God, your higher power, the universe, the fates, whatever your belief is, handle the big picture and where your path will lead.

Best wishes,
Alice

Still Waters

And...don't take everything so literally and seriously. One of the most important things we lose when living with chaos is our sense of humor. We end up taking everything way too seriously, in my opinion.

Don't forget to laugh.

DesertEyes

Hello there awakening, and pleased to "meet" you.

I was married 20yrs, the first 15 or so were absolutely wonderful. Then she became ill, got addicted to pain meds and it all went down hill. My first few months separated were much like you described. My emotions were all over the place, I was in deep grief, and I had not even a hint of peace.

It was also during the holidays, and that made it so much harder.

I know. I had a heck of a time figuring that out too. What worked for me was to _not_ start living my life again. I just started living _one_ day. Just one.

What I did was take action. I did what al-anon suggests, but in a very small scale. I went out and bought just _one_ christmas ornament. Just one. A butterfly, because it is the al-anon symbol of re-birth. I hung it up next to my 'puter so it would remind me of the future I was soon to know.

Once a day I made a little time just for _me_. I would do a little yoga, just for ten minutes. For those ten minutes I would only think of the yoga, how it was part of my therapy to heal my body and start the very beginnings of a new life.

I went to a meeting. Once a day. And I cried my heart out. They understood, passed the tissues and told me it was ok. I gave myself permission to _not_ be at peace that day. I gave myself permission to hurt, and grieve, and feel absolutely miserable for just that one day. I spent every free minute I had here on SoberRecovery, just so I wouldn't be alone.

Sometimes, it was just for one minute.

After a month or so, that little butterfly ornament started to look a little brighter. Those ten minutes of yoga turned into fifteen. And I actually sat thru a whole meeting and did not cry.

Some weeks after that I noticed that the yoga was now an entire half hour, and I had gone _several_ meetings without crying.

Try just _one_ minute, awakening. Just one. Do that for a few days, then try for _two_ minutes. I know it sounds silly, but it worked for me. Go get yourself just _one_ ornament. Nothing more. Try getting a perm, or a manicure. Just that, nothing more.

It's been 5 years now since my marriage fell apart, and those "one minutes" are now several months at a time. I still get the ocassional "low" moments, but they only last a few minutes now.

You'll get here, awakening, just like all the rest of us have. But it won't be all of a sudden. It's a gradual thing that you have to carfuly nourish and tend, like a blossoming flower in a pot on the windowsill.

Mike

myawakening

My heartfelt thanks to each and everyone of you for taking time to post. It has helped me realize this is going to be a very long process and there is no quick fix.

I am that person that needs to take on a project and see it through to completion and then move it off the plate...on to the next project. I am that person that takes chaos and creates order...it's the only way I function. It's the chaos in my life...or mainly in my head...that is making me crazy. I snap at people and my fuse is very short right now. My AH has taken my peace of mind away and I want it back. I used to be a fun person. I hate him!! Is it OK to say that? That's how I feel. How could one person do so much damage to a family?

I will continue to go to Al Anon and finish the books I've got here. I do need to focus on ONE DAY AT A TIME. When I think beyond that...I become overwhelmed.

One last thing...something strange has been happening. I've been saying the Serenity Prayer a lot lately. It just seems like very good advice. It has also made me think much more about God and handing it all over to him because the load has become too great for me. When I feel the swirl of chaos start to build in my head and the tension in my body builds...I ask Him to help me...that I can't figure this out by myself and that I need Him. The chaos in my head stops and the tension leaves my body...sanity comes back for a little while.

Wishful thinking or Divine intervention? I would like to believe Divine intervention...

Kassie2

Hi! MC!
Hope you are having a peaceful day.

Like you in some ways, I am still married but we are separated and even though he has been sober for almost a year - we have not made much progress. Hence, we are not together for the holiday - my choice b/c I don't think he expected me to let go and mean it. We have had a difficult pattern to break and I always knew that it would have to be me that sets the boundary. Lately I have been setting more boundaries with him because it works, but because I have hung in there with him, I suspect his assumption would be that I wouldn't be able to do this through the holidays. Maybe we will learn something from this.

I grew up with the serenity prayer not because of an alcoholic in the family but due to a loss of a parent at an early age. Someone gaves us the plague for encouragement. So I whole heartedly believe in its wisdom. Since my recent marriage to an alcoholic I have been through all the alanon lit. and find the Just for Today poem to give me the same encouragement.

When I asked my husband to leave more than a year ago, I thought he would sober up quickly but it took eight months to reach a bottom when he landed in the hospital. Then I thought once sober, we could work things out and again I have been sorely disappointed b/c he is just not drinking and has not been committed to help with changing his thinking or negative patterns.
It was one year ago that I decided to let go - he got sober, and remained in AA until we tried to reconcile and it was advised that we not focus on our rel yet. He left AA, we have struggled since, and this site was recommended for me. I continue to work at letting go of the negativity and anger and if that means the marriage then I will deal with it. I won't like it but who wants this?

It is a daily struggle that gets easier.

nowinsituation

I was just going to suggest that you pray (the serenity prayer, or whatever prayer works) and ask for guidance from your HP. Let you HP guide you through the process. I know as soon as I stop and ask for help, the path seems so much clearer.

One other thing that may help: I can never get him to understand that I didn't do this to us...he did. And you will never, ever, get him to understand. Stop trying!

myawakening

Thank you everyone! It helps to come here because I can vent and people understand. I get the most wonderful support here from people who don't even know me. I am such a bitter angry person these days and I am so upset about that. Once I left my AH I didn't realize just how much anger and resentment had built up inside of me. It is toxic and it's dragging me down. I dumped my garbage on another persons thread recently and I felt bad. It was theirs and I should never have done that. I did appologize. I couldn't figure out how to remove it once it was there and I am so sorry.Yes, I am in counseling for this anger. I ask you guys to work with me as I am a work in progress. I could use your good vibes as well.

transformyself

Please dont' apologize for your anger
This place and these folks are the most understanding, loving group I've ever "known." We understand and accept you.

For me, my recovery from codependence and my AH was sidetracked by his affair (s). It really does a number on you. I found another website that was very helpful in dealing with the infidelity, but it did not help me with the alcoholism issues.

It's very normal to have this kind of anger. You will see it through and be your old, happy self again.

Thank you for posting. Please be kind to yourself.

myawakening

Thanks Tran...the holidays are just so hard. I keep taking one step forward and two steps back! I moved out in Sept. Had all the emotional trama of that. Tried to level out and adjust during October and mid November. Then I got hit with the affair thing at the end of November and the realization that he had been doing that BEFORE I actually moved out. It just crushed me. I was so trusting of him and was so concerned about how what I was doing (moving out) was affecting him. Can you imagine...I was worried about how he would take my moving out??!! He was laughing all along behind my back!!!

Thanks again for your words of support...

Stereosteveo

Myawakening,

I enjoyed reading your message. Congratulations on taking steps to improve your life.

I can imagine how hard this is and I'm not trying to make it sound so simple, but the solution is always so much more simple than we could have ever imagined.

I would say just keep focusing on you. Use the tools of Al-anon to help yourself. That's where the freedom comes from:

A thought to keep in mind:

"What is it about me this allows this to continue?"

Don't forget Al-anon's are addicted to alcoholics. In so many ways it's just as serious and crippling a dependency as alcohol is to an alcoholic. When other people control our thoughts/emotions it says something. To me it mainly said "Lack of Power". The Al-anon program will give you power. In fact you can become a "black-belt Al-anon" from what I hear...!

Also, in trying to deal with the guilt, regret, indecision, etc. Keep this thought in mind: "I'm doing what best for TODAY, and TODAY only." You don't know what the future holds. You can't change everything today. All you can do is do what's best for you in building your strength in preparation for any scenario that may play out.

Lastly, believe it or not, the best thing you can do for him is take care of you, and you only right now. Just for today.

If you don't have a sponsor yet, next time you share in the meeting say "I think I really need a sponsor."

TakingCharge999

myawakening,

You are such an incredibly strong woman, I hope you realize that. This is the first post I read from you and it is very obvious to me how much courage you showed leaving a toxic person and choosing something different.

When I feel I am going backwards I recall what Melody Beatty says "Trust your process". She also says our feelings are sent by God to allow love and healing in our hearts. I loved that phrase, it allows me to be myself and feel whatever I feel. There are no "shoulds" in the forgiving process, no timers or straight lines.. "the Language of Letting Go" is great reading (I too read several books at the same time!) and there is also a Daily support thread (I got this link from Dec 9, perhaps there are newer threads...)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...king-help.html

I like this one too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-10-a-10.html

As someone said.. this is like keeping fit, it is not because you left the bakery only... its because you took the decision... you left it AND ALSO you keep away from bad foods AND prepare your meals mindfully AND take part in some sport AND chat with ppl interested in health etc etc... it is a thread of smaller decisions that support your goal.

Focus on today and it will be easier... the huge and tiny decisions you make to take care of yourself. For instance coming here to SR and sharing your life and feelings... what can you do TODAY to make yourself feel better? not tomorrow...today.. it doesn't have to be extraordinary or expensive... sometimes I give myself one deep breath.


Also, I invite you to exercise compassion towards yourself... how? rewriting recurrent, destructive thoughts into more loving ones:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am struggling every single day.
I am going through an important transition phase, and I am facing it with courage.

I don't know how to do this
I have everything I need at this moment. I put myself in the hands of God/HP, where I am safe.


I morne the loss of my marriage of so many years...for the husband I used to have...for the life I used to have...for the person I used to be.
I accept and honor my feelings. The best part of my loved ones reside within me. Everything that has been good in my life, I keep it in my heart and memory. I decide who I am at this moment.


3 months is such a little time... you are doing well ((HUGS))


PS
"What is it about me this allows this to continue?"
Ouch.. thanks for this, Stereo!